Too Old to Visit the Restroom with Mom?

S. - I too am a mom of two boys, 7 and 4. My seven year old is also very tall, and to top it off has a mohawk so he looks older with that as well. I make my 7 year old come to the bathroom with me almost all of the time. He gives me funny looks and kind of sighs at me and I just don't care. The only place he goes by himself is Fred Meyer, and then I am outside the door yelling in "you okay, buddy?" "everything all right in there?" So he would probably prefer to go with me.
I just went to the zoo today and dragged everyone in with me, 3,4,7,and 9. Two boys, two girls. I heard a little girl ask her mama why there were little boys in the bathroom and the mom told her that sometimes moms have to take there kids in to the bathroom with them if the dad is not there. Sounds good to me.
Who cares if other woman are giving you dirty looks? It's not like he is watching them go to the bathroom. He's probably just as embarassed. Give 'em a dirty look back!
It's my job to protect my son the best way I know how, and right now him going to the bathroom with me is the best I know. Good job mama
L.

I have the same fear...and it wasn't until my son was 8 that I would let him go into the men's room alone.
I still don't like it - and he's 11 now.
I have heard terrible stories too, and I don't blame you at all for being over-protective.
I think anyone who has children is not going to be terribly offended by a 7-yr old coming into the women's room.
Don't worry about other people.

Many places have "family" dressing rooms and bathrooms. I would look for places like that. At least until he is older.

Juliette and Gina have hit the nail on the head! While it's true we need to be vigilant, we ALSO need to make sure our kids understand HOW to be safe when you are not right there holding their hands. We overreact to every sensationalized news story, but statistically speaking the rates of these kinds of crimes are NOT increasing, nor are they as prevalent as the media would make us believe.

If I was able to stand outside the door of the men's room, and it wasn't a tremendously busy place, I'd feel comfortable sending my 7/8 year old inside. But I'm one of those moms who really enjoys watching my kid grow and become more independent... I know it's harder for some moms to do. I also agree with Judy, you need to teach him how and why it's important to be open and vocal.

Most cases of molestation are NOT in public men's rooms. Most cases come from someone the parents and the child know. The most likely possibility would be from someone who knows the child is on the quiet side, not likely to tell their parents, and therefore in the pedophile's mind-- easy to manipulate. Again, why Judy's advice is so critical...

Of course he's your oldest so this is all new for you, and you are going to do what works for all of you in the meantime. If you get "the look", give one back! I don't understand why women get so weird about it in a restroom--it's not like they are peeing with the door wide open and your son is staring them down! What's the worst that could happen, he might see a clothed woman washing her hands--heaven forbid!! I used to nanny a developmentally disabled boy and brought him with me into restrooms and the changing room at the pool until he was about 10/11. He and I always stayed toward a corner, him always facing the wall while he changed and I changed. I actually stuck my tongue out at a woman who was giving us "the look" one time! It was quite liberating! Then again, I was only 19 at the time :)

As a mother of all boys, I completely understand your predicament.

My oldest started going into the mens room by himself (he's very independent)at the age of 7. However, he is a tall boy, always has been, people judge him to be two to three years older than he actually is. He was 6 feet tall at 14.

I would just plant myself right by the men's room door. I made eye contact with every man going in and out. I would smile and say "Excuse me," then while the guy had the door open I would check-in on my son with a "How are you doing?" Then look look back at the guy and say "Sorry, gotta check on the kiddo." The men were usually accepting of my behavior since I wasn't treating them like they were felons, yet at the same time, they knew I was right there and constantly checking.

Yes, I even went into the men's room once when I didn't get an answer from son, he couldn't figure out the soap dispenser. I gave a head's up, "Mom coming into men's room." There were no other men in there, but there was one who came in after I was heading out. He laughed.

I would just recommend teaching your son about what is appropriate and what isn't...and staying near the door.

Child safety experts say 10 and to go into the stall with them up until that point or use a family restroom if available. Now when my husband is out with us we each take a kid since we have one of each. So give a "look" back to those women who give you one, at least you will know that your son is not going to be kidknapped, molested, or killed. Good on you for being a responsible parent.

my oldest was about 9/10 before he was going into the men's room without me. I dont care about the dirty looks, his safety is more important to me that what other women think. If they have no family restroom available, then he goes with me. My 2nd son is 7 and he still goes with me most of the time. Sometimes he goes with his brother, but I get worried still. We were in LAX coming back from Disneyland, when he and his older brother went into a mens room there at the airport. the older one came out first and did not wait for his brother. When he finally did come out, this guy was following him and was looking at him in a way that did not set well for me. I started him down and was about to say something really loud about looking at my son in that was when he caught my eye and turned quickly away. So creepy!! he has not rally been in many men's rooms since. Follow your gut and dont let others dictate how you protect your kids.

You can never be too careful! You would feel horrible if you listened to other people instead of your gut and something bad happened. Listen to your instincts. Some places you may feel safe letting him run in alone and busier places you may feel uncomfortable letting him be alone. Since there are no urinals in the women's bathroom, and everything is done behind the privacy of a stall door, I think there is no reason to put an age on when your son needs to stay out.

If you feel you absolutely must send your son in alone to the men's, you can have him check to be sure the room is empty. Then stand near the doorway so all other men know you are there and you are keeping an eye on your son. Most men will either wait until you leave or go into a stall to pee. Have your son sing a song or talk the whole time. If anything (or anyone) startles him, you will hear his voice change or stop altogether... that is you little alarm to know when something is wrong.

What is the worst that can happen if you continue taking him in the women's? One day, someone might make a comment to you. What is the worst that can happen if you send him to the men's instead?

I think you need to stop worrying about what other people think and do what you feel is right for your child. Who cares if other people give you looks. Your job is to keep your child safe. I would ignore the other people and take him in with me until I felt he was old enough to go it alone.

Hello S.,

I do not have boys, so have not had this problem, however, my best friend, who is wonderfully protective has her son - who is now 12 sing Happy Birthday or the ABC's or count to 100 or something else, so she can hear him the entire time. She also keeps one foot in the door, so EVERYONE knows that she is there. She doesn't care about being embarrassed, her son's safety comes first, her embarrassment second. She also instructs her son to go into a stall and to not stand at the urinals.

Positively,
M.
Woodinville

The only stories I've heard about children being harmed in restrooms were when they were completely unsupervised (no parent standing guard outside), and in seedy areas but then again, I haven't heard many of these stories to begin with. Do check out the FreeRangeKids website as a resource to help allay your fears whether you continue to take your son into the ladies room or not. As mothers, we are highly susceptible to the fear that's being propagated by a sensationalist media. We then pass that fear onto our children and send them the message that the world is unsafe. In this particular case, you're even telling your son that being just a few feet away from you in a room with other males is unsafe!
I agree, don't worry about the dirty looks but perhaps look more closely at the messages you're sending. Giving a child a bit of responsibility and freedom can do wonders for his shy nature.
I will share a story of something that happened to me recently. A woman brought her son into the changing room at a local community center and the boy looked to be about seven. I wouldn't even have minded that but then he proceeded to stare at me while I was getting changed and the mother wasn't monitoring what he was doing - ugh. I guess there does come this natural point when we feel uncomfortable about young boys we don't know being inquisitive in intimate spaces. It's a tough issue.

I would do the same thing. My 5 year old is bigger then most 7 year old and I even get looks, but I don't care. I don't feel comfortable letting him go in a men's room alone. I have the same fears and I think it worth the dirty looks to keep my children safe. Your doing great. I am amazed at the world and how judgmental total strangers can be when it come to YOUR OWN children. Keep up the good work mom!!

A.

It is your son's life, don't pay attention to people's attempt to manipulate you with looks. These looks are petty and selfish. My son told me when he was ready and in different situations he felt safer and in others he was clearly not feeling safe so he joined me. He went into the stall and did what needed doing and got out.

Take care of your child, no ones opinion matters more than your son's health and well-being. I also recommend reading Real Boys - good information for all of us.

Be strong in what your heart tells you, not what the world does to control you.

I feel ya. When my son was 4, he was the size of most 8 year olds...so I started not only getting the "look" but some oh-so-neurotic people actually telling me my business. If I was bothering to care that day (aka they were "trying" to be nice), I'd tell them how old he was...but more than half didn't believe me.

Where I ran into MAJOR problems was the changing room at the pool...that stated that all children 6 and older had to be in sex appropriate changing areas. The first time we went, no one told me there were family chaning rooms. Half an HOUR of my son being missing...because there was no male staff...and he was sitting (harmlessly) with another boy playing with the swimsuit spinner. The mum of the other missing boy and I finally charged into the men's room to find them...Now really...what's worse? Two grown women...or a six year old boy?

Truth of it is...to this day, sometimes I bring my 7yo in, sometimes I let him go by himself. I play it by feel. No child has ever sexually abused a neurotic woman...but plenty of strange men have abused little boys. And after that experience at the pool, I say, screw everyone in this regard.

IMO it's better safe than sorry!
I would try to find some places with unisex or family restrooms and keep them in mind when you are out and about, that way you won't have to worry at all.
If you have to use a public restroom I would say it depends. I would NEVER let my child use one of those park restrooms for example by themselves. On the other hand a small men's restroom in a restaurant with just a a couple of stalls may be fine. Teach your son to use a stall, even if he has to pee and to lock the door behind himself. And just trust you gut-feeling. I'd much rather deal with a couple of stares than have something happen to my child.

I took my son into the restroom with me until HE felt uncomfortable with it at age 6. Now he is 7, and I wait outside the door for him. If I were suspicious something was wrong, I wouldn't hesitate to barge into the men's room (announcing loudly that I'm coming, of course.)

I have four children, three of which are boys and two of them are old enough to go in to the bathroom by themselves. I always tell them not to talk to strangers... especially not in the bathroom. I still wait directly outside the door and listen carefully to whatever I can hear and quiz them when they come out. My oldest is 13 now, so he doesn't get that much of the third degree, but I still ask him if he bothered to wash his hands and so forth. I know it is hard to let them go into a place that we know is a potential danger. We have to do it eventually. Letting them go in doesn't mean that we have to go ungaurded. I kind of laugh now whenever I get a look from a guy going into the bathroom that I'm standing gaurd by, but I just look him directly in the eye, smile and say that I'm waiting for my son. This lets them know in a not so threatening way that I will not allow anything bad to happen to my child and they'd better not touch him.

That's how I handle it. Stinks the first several times you have to do it because it's another reminder of how your little man is growing up. Hang in there.

S.

I wouldn't worry about what other women think or how they look at you. If you feel your son is too young to visit the men's room on his own then you're probably right.

You can also take him into the men's room. At the very least you could escort him in, and see if anyone else is in there. If you're comfortable, you could step back outside. If not, you could wait at the door or if you do go outside and someone else walks in, you could start talking to your son. Ask him questions, etc.

Good luck.

I honestly think 7 is too old to be going to the restroom with you... but, there are doors on the stalls so it's not like you're showing him anything.
I think it's ok to send him to the mens room, but make sure you are right outside so you can hear anything unusual, and pay attention to how long he's been in there. For one thing, a mom standing at the door is most likely going to make any creap of a man think twice because he could get cought too easy... it's not like there is anywhere to go if the kid does yell, and mom will definately hear if she is right there and paying attention. I would keep track of the time by something other than you're feeling of "It's been forever!"... find out what he has to do (1 or 2) and have an idea of how long this generally takes him and then look at your watch or cell phone before he goes in. Otherwise 30 seconds will seem like 5 min.

That is a frusterating one. I wouldn't worry about "the looks." Who gives a shissa about everyone else? He is your son for goodness sakes, and when YOU feel ready to let him go on his own in there, then you do it. He can come into the women's restroom until he and you feel ready. If I was in the women's bathroom, I wouldn't care a stitch. I bet other mothers would understand too, if you were to really say something...but you don't need to. Just take your son into the women's bathroom until you feel ready.

I agree with Marcia. If you dont feel comfortable then dont do it. My son just turned 6 and he is a little tall for his age but he goes where I go until Im comfortable otherwise. My son still plays in the soap & water! He too is a little on the shy side and has also been diagnosed with speech apraxia and he can be a little hyper active so until I am ready to let him go by himself then he will come with me. I dont care who might look at me. Most women who have boys have gone through this anyways and its really no big deal for some of us moms.

My son is 5, and uses the restroom on his own. I wait out side the door. This is if we are places with a small restroom like a restaurant or the such. When it is a large public restroom like at a mall or the Post exchange, he still comes in with me. Women's rooms have stalls, so it is not like he is seeing anyone anyways. He does now stand outside the stall door where I can see his feet while I go.

forget the other ladies looks, if you don't feel safe sending him alone into the men's restroom, don't do it. having him go into a stall in the women's restroom is completely private so i don't know why those women would give you strange looks. go with your gut feeling on this to keep your child safe.

Sounds like I'm in the minority here, but I really don't see a problem with letting a child of that age use the public restroom by himself, as long as you have educated him on how to recognize and protect himself from predators. Of course, I'd stand right outside, not only so I could hear him call out, but also so that any men entering the room would see that I was right there. If he took more than a minute or two to use the restroom, I'd have no problem calling in to him to make sure he's ok.

There comes a time when we have to give children a little bit of independence. Otherwise, how else will they learn to be strong, idependent adults?

I took my boys into the women's restroom with me til they were around 10. As they get older, you can try waiting til the open area of the restroom is clear, then your sons can slip into the stalls where they are out of sight and can slip back out when the coast is clear. I have had one woman scold me for having my boys in the women's restroom and many other women have spoken out to support me, bless them!

When it was necessary for my boys to use the men's restroom, they had to go together and keep and eye out for eachother. If one was alone, I would stand right outside the door and "chat" with him, even holding the door ajar with my foot to do so.

Lots of great answers here. I think giving our children age-appropriate (not scary!) information in general for their own personal safety is a good idea. Allowing ourselves and our children to follow our instincts is also okay. If someone makes us feel uncomfortable, we make a different choice--that's all.

One slightly-related thing I thought I'd share was something my mom did with my younger brother. When he had to use the bathroom alone at a restaurant or what-have-you, she would always ask enthusiastically "Oh, what kind of soap did you have in your bathroom? Let me smell!" The soap is usually very pungent and she could tell if he'd washed his hands or not. I've used this technique with the kids I care for when I think they haven't washed their hands. Now they just say "Oh, let me go back!" They know that if there's no smell, they're going to be sent back anyway. Makes it easier than asking "Did you wash your hands?"

Hope you find a way to feel comfortable with this little wrinkle in your son's growing more independent and society's little quirks. I never mind kids in the bathroom as long as they're not peeking under the stall! Just mind them.:)

Every child is different, I don't think there is a set age that he should have to go to the restroom on his own. I think it is just fine for him to continue to use the restroom with you. Follow your instinct, it is better to be safe than sorry in today's world. Ignore the look you get from these other women, they are simply being rude. What I like seeing these days is the implementation of "family" restrooms in more establishments. It would be great if more places would do this.

Hey S.,

As a mother of 3 girls, I have the point of view of hearing them ask me why boys are in the girls' bathroom. I guess it's not really a *problem* when it's a bathroom, because everyone is behind a closed door. Our discomfort comes from the times we've been in showers and changing rooms at pools and community centers and they are seeing the boy and he is staring at the girls/women. I don't think that's okay. At our Rec Center there is even a sign posted on the door that boys over 5 need to use the family shower or men's room.

I teach my girls about modesty and not showing their bodies to other people, so they don't appreciate boys in the girls' rooms. But I understand why you are bringing him in with you. However, you might be surprised at how mature he can be if you stand at the door and let him go by himself!

Too bad there isn't a handbook . . .