Too Much Screaming!!

Hi S.. Early intervention is imperative. My son did the same thing. He is three. And his older brother is sevenM. A good place is the Child Study Institute in Bryn Mawr Philadelphia. Good luck.D.

We use "inside voice" and "outside voice". So that they know there is a difference and that you can yell, but only when playing outside. I'd start there, with both of them.

Dear Mom,

Why not try to de sensitize DS?

Have him wear Ear muffs LOL.

to buffer the sound.

have his ears checked to make sure there isn't more going on.

And next time DD screeches, ignore it.

and let the 2 little ones work it out.

It should be ok since he is wearing his saftey ear muffs.

M

Hi S. - not sure if this has been suggested to you yet. Sound sensitivity can be a red flag for auditory processing difficulties. You might want to talk with your pediatrician to see if he/she can recommend a specialist for having your 3 year old's hearing tested. That was the age that we had our son's hearing tested on the advice of a family friend who just happened to have a professional bckd in pre-school learning/behaviors.

Kathy H P.

It's her way of getting attention. You are right in trying to stop the screaming ASAP, because she'll start doing it in public which is anoying and embarrassing. The best thing to do is to make a game out of it. Yes, I know that sounds like it's promoting it, but it's not since the purpose of the scream will be defeated. All you have to do is to gentling pat her mouth, so it sounds really funny and makes everyone laugh. Then try to get everyone interested in singing a song instead like the alphabet song. When you see a potential for your daughter being bored, get her to sing to distract her. Another unknown reason they scream is because they are bored.

you have been give great advise and i think you ned to turn to your teacher experience..
my daughter (2) also started screeching and i calmly told her we useinside voices and if she cannot listen she can go in her room.. my son (4) also is instructed when he is crying and mad that he can also go in his room if he wants to cry/scream loud because he is mad. so i would just instruct them that we use inside voices in the house and that if they are going to scream they can go in their rooms until they are finished.. and when they come out/or you go in 2 minutes..(time out rule of thumb) you praise them for stopping and remind them they can come out as long as they use inside voices.. and when they raise their voices again send them right back youhave already warned them you will do it and if you are consistent they will catch on that you dont excpet it...good luck
sahm of 2 and 4 year olds...

Hi S.,

We went through something similar when our 2nd son got to the "shout suddenly and watch everybody react" phase -- our 3 year old would always shout back, especially awful at mealtimes.

We took one afternoon to "practice" not shouting back. Made it a game with a penny prize when the older one didn't shout back. We started with me making a small but sudden noise, and got louder slowly. When he didn't react, he got a penny, and after so many pennies, a reward. It at least lessened the craziness of everybody shouting -- though it was still a phase to live through.

Good luck. Isn't mamasource great for bringing these sticky problems to? (And if you get any snarky responses, just ignore them. We're all doing our best, right?)

Hi S.,

Ouch, you've got your hands full! Reading your request, what struck me most is that your children are at two different developmental stages. They each need a different developmentally appropriate response.

I also think it might be possible to enlist your son as an ally.

For your little one, she's just experimenting to see what effect she can have on the outside world -- she's at the "scientist stage." As long as screaming will provoke a reaction, she's going to scream. Not because she's manipulative -- small children don't have those planning skills, not by a long shot -- but because she's learning. She needs no reaction to the screams, AND she needs to be whisked away to an activity to which you can respond positively -- redirect and distract.

And for your big boy, if you can (I know it's hard), take a little time with just him and say "We need to help Baby ___ learn to stop screaming, and I need you to be on my team." He's clearly motivated to stop the screaming, and kids that age love being helpers and feeling important. The more important you make his "job" seem, even if it's just covering his ears and bringing her a baby toy, the likelier he'll be to be able to override his initial reaction and help out.

In other words, developmentally, she needs redirection and he needs skills. It sounds hard, and like it won't work all the time, but if you make him feel like he has an important helping job, you just might be able to meet both those needs at once.

Best wishes,

Mira (mom of another sweet, sensitive 3-year-old boy)

Hi, S..

My son screams too, sometimes I think its going to drive me crazy. Kids this age scream because its a new sound they can make. If it gets more attention than babbling or saying a word they will do it over and over. Does your older child understand ignoring? If he walks into a room and the little one screams tell him to walk out. I try to stay calm ignore the scream at first for a count of 10 then I say in a very quiet calm voice we don't make that sound, or I don't like that. My son still screams, but its definitely less often. In my case yelling back just set him off and made the situation worse.

Good luck,
R.

Hi S.:

When you were pregnant with DS, did you startle easliy or were you surrounded by the occassional or frequent yelling? This may explain DS's reactions and possibly DD's. As a suggestion, keep the environment calm - verbally, with music, soft lightening, chimes; get a mother's helper/assistant. Also, Flower Essence (FE) is a natural therapy approach that helps to balance emotions - for everyone, including babies and children...worth looking into. Feel free to contact me if you have questions about FE.

All the best,
N.
Holistic Healthcare Practitioner
www.WholeCreations.com

Hi S.
First of all congrats on a lovely family.
Second, would either behavior bother you without the other? Probably so it is loudness. Yelling, screaming they are about the same for me. No matter whose mouth it is out of and that includes mine. "Use your inside voice" worked eventually.
My mom always said "if you can't beat them, join them." So when she didn't like our ___________, she decided to enjoy us in the situation. I took my clue from her, when I didn't like what mine were doing, I joined them. Their music, their sports, their art,so yes I guess joining their screaming would be my reaction. Can you get your DS to scream whenever his sister does? Then the 3 of you can scream. It will stop quickly because your DD will wonder what is going on. It is at that point that I would say "Use your inside voice" all that noise is too loud for the house, and go outside and scream again. Making a point of it.
Screaming in my experience is for 2 reasons --- attention, and to hear their own voice. If they get neither then the behavior stops. Just a thought. My kids were too far apart mostly to have to work this one. But often used it in preschool class.
Laughing is always better than getting angry. Can you force yourself to act instead of react to the situation? Don't try to fix it but just realize that your two children are different and don't compare.
God bless you
Hope you get some great ideas
K. -- SAHM married 38 years -- adult children 38,33,and twins 19

This is classic sibling rivalry. DD gets a kick out of startling DS and they both are vieing for your attention. My advice is to be consistent. Whenever they scream, tell them to stop, and then put them BOTH in time out for the same amount of time. It might take awhile, but they will soon find something else to do to amuse them and aggravate you.

You've gotten great responses to your request, so I'll keep it short. The first to work on is you. You simply need to stay calm. Take a cleansing breath before you proceed with the kids. I'm still in the learning process. The quieter I am/speak, the quieter the kids are/speak. And don't feel bad about spanking your child for the right reasons. I feel your frustrations. I trust that you are not a child abuser. There is not a fine line, but an absolute thick line between spanking and abusing. Try checking DS's hearing and using soothing techniques for DD. Good luck.

You set the tone...in your classroom and more importantly, in your home! Don't respond with yelling or spanking, you're just encouraging the negative behavior. When the little one yells, calmly say in a nice, quiet voice-"No, we don't yell, let's use a nice voice" or something like that. Model the behavior you want for your kids to follow. I have a 12 yr. old daughter who really wants to be sarcastic and argue. It's very hard but when she starts with me, I take a deep breath and respond back to her without yelling. This has taken a lot of practice but it works and now we have more conversations and less arguments.

What happens when someone screams? All eyes one them. After awhile, though, no one listens. That is why screaming is ineffective for parents.

When the child screams, pick her up and remove her to a previously designated spot where she gets no attention. If the other one screams and you don't have another spot, just break contact ... don't look at him or speak to him. She gets a minute for being one year old, he gets three. This is REALLY difficult initially because it means that you have to stop whatever you are doing. Pretty soon, though, they see the pattern.

This works with many people in many situations. When I was a lunch lady in a middle school and the hungry, hormonal buggers turned the line into a mosh pit, other lunch ladies would yell and add to the caucophony. I would put my utensils down, fold my arms across my chest and lean back on the counter, giving a very clear visual that I was not playing. Sure ... my boss and the kids got nervous: we don't have enough time for her to stop serving lunch! But guess what? Those kids learned fairly quickly that when they were in my line, they could not scream or shove ... or they would not be served.

best wishes

Your daughter is definitely getting a kick out of getting a reaction from her brother, and this will just be the first of many. I would talk about the inside voice as other moms have mentioned, and I guess it wouldn't hurt to have his hearing checked or discuss the sensitivity issue with his doctor.
If you have a yard the kids can go outside in, make them run laps around the house (might be a little hard for your daughter, you can help her and then you'll be getting exercise too :) ) Otherwise, get down on each one's level, very quietly and calmly tell them, looking in their eyes, they are not using an inside voice and need to have a very quiet time out, tell them this means no talking, no noises.
You can tell them if they don't behave in the timeout that the next step is a spanking and going to bed, but this threat may work better on a 3yo than a 14-month old.

You can try the earmuff thing for your son to deal with his sister around the house, but you're going to want to find a solution for all the noises of the world, and that's worth discussing with the Dr.
Good luck.