We were running late this morning, because we stayed out late for my son to attend a church youth concert. (Big Daddy Weave) As we dropped off my 4 yr old girl at daycare, I asked my 14 yr old to help get her out of car. (She was on his side) She was whinny and cranky, she is getting over the flu. She was struggling to get out of third row because his backpack was in the way for the seat to roll forward. He proceeded to jerk her out of the car from third row seat. (She was fine and didn't get hurt-physically) I told him get in the car!! I then took my daughter in to day care, helped her get jacket in cubby offered a big hug and kiss and said goodbye.
Got in the car and asked him what gave him the right to think it was ok for him to do what he did. He just looks at me in silence. I then proceeded to ask was her whining annoying you? He replied yes. I said that makes no difference, you were a whinny baby too and I did not treat you like that. I said there will be consequences, he said what? I told him I have to think about it as I dropped him off at school; he gets out gets his backpack from the second row. He tells me goodbye, I look at him and say bye.
URG!! He is tired from getting home late, and was annoyed by his baby sisters’ whining. Still he should not have pulled on her so hard. I need a good punishment for him, any suggestions?
I ask that your comments are constructive and not hateful. If you don’t have anything nice to day don’t say anything at ALL.
If this is something rare and likely tied directly to ALL parties being over-tired. I would do the following:
- no t.v. tonight. Instead, after homework and dinner, big brother needs to do something fun and quiet with her- board game, puzzle, coloring, etc.
- He needs to apologize to her directly and sincerely for losing his patience.
- Both in bed early tonight
Tomorrow is another day!
He has to babysit.
His problem was patience. He needs practice. What better way to do something productive, and also get some practice remaining calm when others aren't? :)
I am going to ask that you read this completely before misunderstanding. I am not blaming you and you certainly should give him consequences but before you do, I'd like you to consider something.
I have a 20 yr old son and a 5 year old daughter (15 years and almost 2 months apart). Think about it, even if he wasn't tired, a 14 year old does not have the patience for a toddler/preschooler that an adult would have and NO ONE has patience for whiny (not even the parents). My point is, you can't expect him to actually be patient especially with whiny.
That said, he certainly can not be physically rough with her. In today's situation, clear instructions would have made a difference..."Can you move your backpack and put the seat up so she can get out?" would have prevented any misunderstandings. As it was, you said to "Help get her out of the car" only asks him to facilitate the outcome while not suggesting the route you want him to take to achieve the outcome. He did just that...but not as he should have and not as you wanted...but he did act like a 14 year old boy.
As for his punishment...what works for each child is different. What does he "have to have" his cell phone, the internet, the radio? Take that from him for whatever timeframe you decide is appropriate. Or have him volunteer w/ you at the church's nursery so he has to show patiences where he is supervised and you can lead by example.
I agree that his punishment should be no tv and play nicely and quietly with sister to make up for how he treated her.
I would also tell him that if he does it again, he will have no tv and will play with sister every night for a week!
If he's not usually like this, and everyone was tired, cranky, etc., and if he's good with her in general, perhaps his discipline for this would be to play nicely with her tonight after school for a while so you can have some time to yourself. Gives you a little break, is connected to what he did wrong, and takes into account how everyone was feeling off this morning.
I would have him do something fun and special w/his little sister...a tea party, a date to the ice cream shop, a walk to the park, a date to the roller rink...doesn't really matter what it is as long as it is just the two of them?!
Something along those lines. Something that reminds him how lucky he is to have a sibling...especially one who probably worships the ground he walk on no doubt!
I think perhaps he should spend some quality time with his sister. Perhaps playing with dolls? I wouldn't want to put this to him as a punishment just a helpful way to think about your actions. My assumption is that your daughter probably really likes her big brother, it would probably do them both some good to have time together to show how much they care for each other.
M
I would have him do something to repair the hurt he caused his sibling. The other day when one of my older ones was impatient with our 3 year old the old child had to go blow bubbles with the younger one in the bathroom. When it was all over with the older child had to whip down the bathroom and make sure nothing was sticky. I tell my kids that if they aren't getting along that means they need practice and so I will be pairing them together until they show me they have practiced enough. I might add that I also don't allow wining because I loose my patients with winers. If a child wines then they must need more practice speaking without a wine and so they have to repeat the request several times without wining.
My first line with my older boys is to take away the favorite thing of the moment, so for us it is his video games.
you are all tired and all on edge- if this is the first time something like this has happened I really would just let it go with a warning- explain that you were angry because he really could have hurt her- teenage boys are stronger than they think. But just remind him to be careful and that she is a baby then send everyone to bed early tonight
I would cut him some slack.
I know I have snapped at my kids when I was tired and annoyed, it sounds like that's what he did.
As long as it's not an ongoing problem I would just let it go. He made a mistake, but he is human after all. Like I said, we've all been there :(
No judgement here at all! I know how it is...
Anyway, if your son was sick and tired and feeling a little cranky I think I wouldn't too hard on him. I would explain to him that even though he's tired and cranky, there's no reason to get out of pocket. So now he has the warning, so if he does it again then you punish. That's my opinion anyway....
I'm big on consequences, and my kids are very well behaved because of it, but I never give consequences the first time someone does something. Tell him not to be aggressive and impatient with his sister again or you will_____(clear explanation of what major consequences will be), and if he does it again, THEN give MAJOR consequences. If he has been physically aggressive with her like this before, and you already warned him, then go ahead and use the consequence and I hope you get effective suggestions!
What does he like best?
What's his "thing"?
You know, the thing he likes more than anything?
Yeah...that O..
No access to that thing for a few days.
I get your point.
It's hurtful when things get "yanked" away isn't it? It will be especially hurtful when you go to his room and begin pulling out those things that make him comfortable. His computer, video games, collections he's cherished, favorite articles of clothing, etc....
I think it's important to remind your son he has to "live and practice his faith at home" beginning with his family. What's the point of attending any church-related event if he can't manage his own moods and treat his sister with respect? He's not a child, but a youngman on the cusp of adulthood. Whether he likes it or not, he's must do as you and your husband ask. You weren't being unreasonable to ask him to help his sister out of the car. His behavior was completely childish. Since you cannot put him in the naughty corner, it's time to remove the things he values or cherishes in his room, or perhaps restrict places he likes to visit.
Most important though, he needs to apologize to his sister.
Good luck. I know it's not easy raising teenagers.
