Toddler Won't Sleep Alone Anymore- Afraid of the Dark

this has happend to me and my little sister many times before. Maybe you should move the baby in with him., and tell him he has to stay in there and go to sleep or little sister will statr to cry(or something like that). or maybe put a T.V. in his room like i had when i was little.

i went through this when one of my sons were three also. I found it was a more control and power struggle than being afraid. he would get up in the middle of the night and climb in bed with us I would put him back in his bed tuck him in again sometimes I would wait until he fell back asleep he too had a little brother i didnt want woken up.
Finally he just didnt do it anymore and there was no struggle. Battle of the wills

Hello, a parent educator here. This is very tough to solve, it will pass but it takes time and patience. Here are a few clues to help. Unless this is a true power struggle, which it doesn't sound like at all, then crying it out won't work, it will make it worse.

The fear your child is experiencing is part of a developmental stage that occurs at this age. At 3 the brain becomes aware of fantasy and imagination. As parents we love this stage and we begin sharing movies with them. However, from a wee one's perspective the movies can be seen as really scary. Now the branch outside the window becomes the claw. So 1st, watch the types of movies and stories you share, look at it from your child's perspective first before turning the TV on. Example: So many parents like High School Musical, but it also shares how older children talk and behave, not a good idea for a four year old!

2nd. I did what several moms suggested and created a bed on the floor for my little guy. I had one child who at this age was dealing with power struggles, control and sleep, and I had one child who was truly afraid. The interesting thing about having gone through this process, my children are grown, is I can look back and see what really served them and what really didn't serve them. My second was always afraid. There was nothing I could do to talk him out of it or redirect him out of it or change this about him. It became a fact of life, he was a scared little one UNTIL he went through the entire process and learned how to manage things for himself, and then he became fearless. I wasn't in charge of how long it took him to feel ready, all I could do was empower him to keep trying and support him when and if he failed. So we had him come in silently when he woke up in the middle of the night and sleep in a bed on the floor, which allowed all of us to sleep. And when he was ready and older, he moved back to his room. I made it a safe space, but not an entirely comfortable space. I always wanted his bed to be more comfortable than the floor. I love the idea of the dog sleeping with him. The dog will not only make him comfortable but will also alert you if he ever needs you.

Here is another trick. When putting a child to sleep in his own bed try patting the mattress, not the child. This movement creates the same soothing feeling but allows the child to learn how to put himself to sleep by finding his own self-soothing clues. If your child is in a crib, then get down on your knees so you can be at his eye level as you pat the mattress and do not make eye contact. Being at his eye level means he doesn't need to stand up or look up to see if you are still there. This helps him relax and fall asleep himself eventually.

Also, make sure that the environment he falls asleep in is the same one he will wake in. If you allow a child to fall asleep on the sofa with TV noise and he wakes to total quiet then he will pull himself up to a waking state and try to find you. If you can have him fall asleep in his room with whatever light and similar noise you’d have when he wakes, then he can roll over and go back to deep sleep.
Try using a CD of white noise, and if he wakes in the middle of the night use a remote control to start the CD of white noise again. Routine is key, it helps the child realize all is well and all is the same, it’s okay to go back to sleep. Try Gerber’s lavender bath and a 1/4 cup of table salt in the bath. The lavender is very calming and creates sleepiness and the salt leaches any tension out of his growing muscles, just like Epsom salts does for hurt muscles. Try making bedtime very quiet, lower the lights and reduce activity. All of that may help you start the process in his bed from now on, and none of it may work. I told you this was a tough one.

I know these suggestions are not perfect, that's because each child and each family is different and sleep or lack there of in early childhood is the great equalizer, it happens to all families. How you deal with it is a learning process for both parent and child.

I hope this helps in some small way. There are lots of other wonderful suggestions like this at ProActive Parenting. Come for a visit and sign up for the newsletter, go to www.proactiveparenting.net.
Happy Thanksgiving To all who are reading!

Hello L.,
My son (2 and a half years old) did the same thing when his baby brother came home from the hospital. At first we allowed him to sleep on our floor, since the baby was sleeping our our room as well. After two months though it was enough. We decided to move his fish tank which has a light on it into his room and he no longer felt that he was alone in his room. It was hard for a while because he would wake up and want to come into our bed, but we would walk him back to his room and he was happy to lay back down in his bed with his fishy in sight. Strange, but it worked for us. Good luck!

In response to your situation, I remember many years ago there was a woman who had a similar situation, she sat down on the bed next to her daughter and asked her to close her eyes, she did. The mom asked her daughter what she saw, the answer was "nothing, it's dark". The mom asked are you afraid? There was a hesitation, "no". The mom told her to open her eyes, mom turns out the light, and convinced her daughter it was like having your eyes closed. Nothing can harm you. It seems that when parents constantly instill confidence in their children and are able to communicate in a way that the little ones can understand that they are safe, they become less fearful.

There is also the possibility that if you have your 6 month old in your room, then the older one probably feels left out, or in someway replaced. You mentioned that you have pets, have you tried letting the dogs sleep with your son? I can't promise that either of these suggestions are going to work because each child is unique, but you could try. ;o) Sincerely, P. K

We had a similar experience. We decided to have the dog go to sleep with her one night and it worked like magic. The dog now sleeps in our 4-year-old’s room every night and bedtimes are much easier.

I feel your pain too. My son will be 3 in April & has been doing the same thing for over 3 months now. We have always put him back to bed, we've tried night lights, making the room warmer/colder, humidifier. I have an almost 5 yr old that is tired at "school" when she gets woken up. SHE started it a year ago & we made a bed out of folded blankets (on a wood floor) & tucked sheets/blankets at the botton like a real bed in our room - which she uses 5 out of the 7 nights. We told her she could use the bed whenever she wants as long as it was in the "middle of the night" & she didn't wake us up ; ) It works for her. I haven't tried that yet with our son - just cuz we don't have room for 2 "beds". He WAS always a MUCH better sleeper than her, so I was hoping it was just a phase that would go away, but I think we're probably gonna have to break down & find room. I have always felt like it was a bad habit to start, but I justify it by the fact that when I sleep well, I'm a much more patient & happy Mommy during the day. GOOD LUCK!

I'm with Elizabeth. I've never thought that kids have to be "taught" how to sleep...going against nature never made sense. If a child is biologically wired one way, then it's easier to work with it rather then against it, which of course is contrary to popular parenting and thinking..which teaches that you MUST have children independent and doing everything on their own at such a young age.

With our son, he has a little bed on the floor if he feels he needs it. He's always had this option and he feels safer since he's closer to us. I know he won't be there forever...it's not like he'll be in high school and still there! It's one reason why I like Dr. Sears' books so much...he's one of the few voices of medical authority that actually understands childrens' development.

The arrangement is great because everyone gets sleep this way and he gets his emotional and mental needs taken care of while still having space of his own. Truely my best advice is to STOP worrying about "bad" habits, as he will outgrow it eventually. I have a 7 week week old as well and I badly need all sleep I can get, and if that means my son sleeps in an "unconventional" place then so be it...everyone is happy and gets what they need this way at least.

Silly question, but you said you tried a night light and the hall light, but did you try his bedroom light? Our daughter has always slept with her fan light on. It's bright and we have no clue how she can sleep, but that's what works.

Hi L.,

I guess you've already done this, but in case you haven't - have to tried talking to your son about this problem? I know nearly-three-year-olds aren't great conversationalists, but if you get them at a good time, when they're quiet and receptive, it's usually possible to have behaviour chats. It may be that he's not scared of the dark at all, but something else (like being alone). Maybe you could negotiate a settlement with him, one that you all feel comfortable with - like, as someone else suggested, a bed in your room (but not a place in your bed, if you don't like that!). Good luck!

Hi L., I don't have much advice on how to help with the fear of the dark because my oldest is still only 2 and we have different challenges. However, what I can empathize with is the fact that when your oldest screams he wakes the baby. I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and we have gone through multiple cycles when their sleeping gets "off". It always seems like when one of them starts having trouble, the other one does too. Their rooms are right next to each other, and of course the walls are paper thin. So the crying seems to wake them up.

The one thing that I try to do is stay consistent with the sleep rules. If one of the kids wakes up crying and they are not hurt, in pain or sick then I do sleep training and they pretty much cry it out and I go in at intervals until they fall asleep. Usually this takes a few days. I try to remain patient as I know this "few" days will really suck with both kids sleep disrupted. However, the phase usually passes and they both get back on track again. So I guess my advice is to not worry so much about your 6 month old and try to get through the sleep issues with your toddler. Your little one can get adjusted again too. I also put a loud noise machine right next to the crib to try and drown out noise so the little one sleeps better.

Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

I made a spot on the floor on my side of bed and kept a pillow and blanket there for years. I love my children so much that I provided a safe haven for them and that made them feel better.... (sometimes we all need a safe haven)

My children knew that if they had a bad dream or anything else that woke them they could come and lay there.

They did not have to wake me only lay down and go back to sleep.

It did not take them long to out grown the need for that safe spot and sleep the night in their rooms.

I know some do not agree but it worked and they felt secure and it did not disrupt mine nor hubby's sleep. I just always expected someone to be there. So when they were no longer there in the morning.... I knew that everything was better.

It's comforting to know that we're not the only family going through this. My almost 4 year old daughter started climbing into our bed 6 months ago. We have tried "monster spray", sleeping in her bed until she falls asleep, having her go potty and then bringing her back into her room and nothing has worked. She used to be a GREAT sleeper until her brother came along. Now when one gets up, the other is quick to follow. This week I made a two week "sleep reward chart" and if she sleeps in her bed she gets a sticker. At the end of the two weeks, if we have more stickers than sad faces, we get to go to Chuck E. Cheeses (something she's been asking to do for some time now). She is really excited about it and last night was the first night in over 6 months that she sleep in her own bed. She did get up at 4:00 and called out, but after reminding her of her reward, she layed back down went back to sleep. Maybe we found what works for her. Keep trying different tactics and one will work. Good luck.

Oh boy, can I relate! My son is 3.5 and we now have a 6 month old,but when he was born we dealt with the "I don't want to sleep in my room." For us it was a fear of monsters, for you a fear of the dark, but I really think it's seperation anxiety. What worked for us, was a sleeping bag, placed near our room. I told him that if he had two choices, to sleep in his room or on the sleeping bag. Eventually he would wake in the middle of the night and get his sleeping bag and then when I got up there he was. Less attention given the better. Once the baby moved into his own room, it became less of an issue. When I think about it, I can see how he would feel left out, we are all sleeping in our room but him.
I did tell him that he had to at least start in his room and that I would check on him before I went to bed. This seemed to appease him. I did not want to have him in our bed, I really didn't want to start that. I know that some are okay with it, but it just doesn't work for me and a good night sleep. I did find that when he slept in the hall, he did not get the quality sleep he needs, and would tell him this as he was breaking down. One morning, when the baby had slept through the night, I praised the baby for sleeping through the night, and my oldest heard this and wanting praise himself has started to do so himself, in his bed. I think that it is normal though, and although I know it can be hard to be patient, it is what works the best...patience!
K.

I totally feel your pain - as soon as one sleeps through the night the other one doesn't. I swear kids communicate about this and say, "tonight's your night." At about this age, my kids have had trouble too. I had to try a bunch of things until something worked. From a night light, to leaving a bathroom light on, to spraying "monster spray" (daddy's cologne) to keep the monsters away. The only advice I have is stay consistent. Insist that he fall asleep in his own bed and stay there. It may mean that the baby wakes up and/or that you have a few nights of torture. However, you really are teaching him how to sleep. If he learns good sleeping habits now, he will carry this with him the rest of his life. Just stick to your guns and this will pass - I promise! If he gets out of bed, consistently put him back, even in the middle of the night. He will throw a fit, so be prepared. Best Wishes!!!

I am with Lori. When we moved into the new house, my son went through the scared of the dark, new noises, new environment stage. It was awful. He would get so scared sometimes that he would be visibly shaking when we got to him. We moved the dogs in his room at night and he felt "safe" almost immediately. It worked out great for all of us. My son sleeps great now and the dogs don't beg to get on our bed anymore.

Good Luck.

Separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood. It is very common up until about age 5. you have been "fortunate" to not have had much issue with it until now.
In most cultures around the world parents (or older siblings or other relatives) sleep with a young child. They are not forced to sleep alone. This has been the case through most of human history and pre-history.
I am sure there are lots of little tricks to TRY to see if your son can be convinced he's safe even though alone in his room. It may not be a fear of the dark so much as a fear of being alone. Good luck. Nature has programed him to feel distress.
I'd be careful about the night light...light is detected by the eyes even while asleep and can affect melatonin levels...and thus sleep and overall health. (Blind women have a lower cancer risk because they can not see any light at night...have steady melatonin, very interesting!)
I like the idea of sleeping with the dog...that might work.
The crying it out method has never been proven totally safe. I think it is kind of cruel to make a child give up trying to tell us they are scared. We are all the support they have.