Daughter Scared of the Dark

My son hit this phase too, around 4 years of age. I got him a flashlight to sleep with and it really helped.

Vision troubles can make the chasm of darkness more frightening. Noises that can't be immediately identified can also play on her imagination. She's only 4 and will grow out of it. If the light bothers y'all then shut her door or sleep with masks on.

Hello H.,

I remember this frustration that you're experiencing. I'm a mother of four kids ages 13,11,9 and 7 in IL. Over the years, I've learned to choose my battles...and this is one that for whatever reason children seem to go through. How important is it that they get to sleep...very. How important is it for the light to be on or off for them to get into that state of slumber? Not very.

They all went through this stage...so I just wonder if their little bodies are just letting us know that the creative part of their right brain is developing or something.

In any case, monster spray worked to empower one of my boys, and believing and praying for God to send his angels to guard and protect my daughter as she slept. Then confirming with her at breakfast that those angels did a great job!

Another son was into a power play because of the new baby...so for him it was just a matter of sticking to a bedtime routine...always a bath at 7 with Dad, reading a story with mom, saying our prayers, tucking, kissing and the hallway light on. We're okay with spanking and we never had to do it with this one...just a warning was always enough for him. We just warned him that there would be consequences if he got out of bed...and he never did after that.

The youngest one gets a snuggle with mom or dad for 10 minutes and then we leave the hallway light on and leave whether he's asleep or not. He's been comforted without words, so there is no extra verbal stimulation, the room is mostly dark to encourage sleepy lids...and he got the isolated attention that he craved because of the competition with four kids. He just turned 7, so we've shrunk our time to 5 minute snuggle...and will continue to shrink that to zero before spring break. We do expect some relapse when we move into a new home...so we'll break it into manageable chunks and work our way down again if need be. He'll also have a streetlight outside his window, so I suspect the hallway light will be a thing of the past.

Just a little FYI: I've heard the night lights create near or far sightedness because the children focus on something bright across a dark room. Don't know what truth there is to that, so that's why we opted for the hallway light.

Best of luck to you!
M.

I tend to believe that even though scaring monsters away and those types of techniques may work for some children, they have a root flaw that makes it not work...that is that you have just confirmed that there are indeed monsters which now have the possibility of getting to your child if you didn't remember to scare them or zap them correctly. I would tell her the truth and stress the importance of truth. Ask her where she heard of monsters and why she thinks they are in her room or house. She very well may have heard of this from kids at school. Even if the teacher doesn't discuss these things or share stories of this, there are many parents that unfortunately expose their children to tv that teaches them of these things and kids this age always share everything good and bad they see with other kids. My son learned of darth vadar when he had just turned 4. He heard about it from a child who has seen all the star wars movies....and the child who saw them was actually 3. It took my son all of 5 minutes to pick up the star wars theme from the toy brought to school and the boy emphatically sharing who darth vadar was for my boy to come home and share with his 2 year old brother, thus causing him to be afraid that darth vadar was hiding in our house and ready to hurt him. It is sad that our children are exposed to such things, but the reality is there are just enough people out there that don't understand the consequenses of sharing such things with their kids. That being said, how to help you daughter...

I would tell her there are no monsters. I would find out where she discovered them, because at 4 she will likely be able to give you a good idea. Find out where she thinks they are hiding. Go investigate those places with her. Make a game of it. If she really feels like there is something there tell her she can pretend it is there and show her how to growl at it, but remind her it is just pretend since that is likely a big part of her world now anyway. A night light isn't a bad thing, and if you can encourage maybe reducing it to a nightlight versus a lamp, she might rest better...though you would have to check for shadows coming thru the windows, etc to make sure nothing is potentially scary looking - though this isn't a fast step that needs to be taken meaning give her a chance to work with her on the fact that monsters just don't exist. The best thing in addition is to just reassure her that she is safe and fine and you and her daddy are just in the other room and there for her if she needs you. She will find great comfort with that, and she may even test it out by calling to you to see if you come. You can just again assure she is fine and that it is time for her to get good rest and you are just in the other room and you will see her smiling face when the sun wakes up in the morning. We had to do this with our boys about darth vadar. We ended up telling them that he is not a real person, but just a character or a person that dresses in a darth vadar costume for the movies. We also reassured them in the way I described above. Then we took them to toys r us and let them try on a darth vadar mask and be darth vadar. It was a non issue after that. If you have a way of making a monster costume (since that would be less scary than the ones at the story) or let her draw her idea of what a monster looks like and then let her act out what the monster does...this may help her too. I do wish you the best and hope your little sweet girl gets thru her fear very soon. Good luck and God Bless!

B. :)

To ease your frustration, just let her sleep with the light.
I'm 27 and have a night light in my bedroom, its more just to see where I'm going. My son is 13 months and has a night light in his room and I'm not bothered by it. If it helps him sleep, then great! That means I get to sleep.
Maybe try a small fan to make a gently noise or even a white noise machine that you can use for babies to help them sleep. My problem sleeping is the sound of "quite". If its completely quite I can't sleep so we run an oscolating fan all the time.
She'll more than likely outgrow it as she gets older, but just give her time.

how strange my four year old son is doing the same thing, whatever you do dont let her watch tv at bedtime its the worst thing i ever did cuz it is a pain to break that habit. i bought him that electronic roboraptor thing and it has a motion sensor on it. i put that at the foot of his bed after i explained the motion sensor thingy and how it works, that seems to work really well cuz if anything moves the roboraptor picks up and will "scare" it out.

Is she scared of something in particular? Our boys (4 and 5) say they are scared of the dark, too. We just leave the hall light on and leave a light on in the living room so that if they need to get up in the middle of the night, they can find their way to our room. As long as I leave a light on for them, they are fine, so I just leave it on. Hopefully they will grow out of it one day.

My son is 7 years old and still afraid of the dark, he leaves a little lamp on in his room every night. I have tried to get him to go without it as well but no luck I have also tried turning it off when he is asleep but then he wakes up and freaks out because it is not on. I look at it as this is his security, we all have one whatever it may be. And if this is all he needs a light on every night I know that he will grow out of it someday. It is something that I wouldn't push too much as you will start more problems.

Good luck, S.

Hi H., my 4 yr. old boy has the same problem. I think it's just a case of active imagingation. To get him to sleep every night I read a story in bed and then turn off the lights and I lay down with him till he goes to sleep. 50% of the time he wakes me up in the middle of the night cause he is scared and I have to put him back to bed or he just ends up sleeping with me. (this is why my husband and I got the king size bed). I know this probably is not the greatest advice but it works for me now. It has been my experience that they do grow out of it within a year. Consistency with whatever plan you choose helps alot! It has definately screwed up my sleeping through the nights and I have 5 older children that make this difficult sometimes and then when I do get to sleep, my oldest will come home from work or whatever and wake me up, he's 18. Come to think of it...I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in 18 years LOL.
Don't worry it will get better in enough time for you to go through this with your second daughter. :) Hang in there, my thoughts and good wishes are with you.
From one tired mom to another,
M.

Hi H.! You sound like a great mom. Your husband sounds like a great dad. Looks like you've covered all the bases. If this were me and my kiddo here's what I would do after doing everything you've done so far. I would turn off the lights and get in bed with her and hold her tight and speak reassuring whispers to her until she falls asleep. Also while you're there next to her you can get in her zone and ask her if anything is bothering her and momm and daddy love her and she is really growing up fast and becoming a rgeat little girl, etc. Sounds like a confidence issue with a little bit of wanting some more mommy time. She's still your little baby! Give her some love and eventually she will be sleeping solo and in the dark.

Why are you so set against the night light? If that is what helps her go to bed without the stress, than I'd just do it. She'll grow out of the phase and may not need the light any more, but if she does, so what?

My 5yo daughter has always had a night light, which started mainly so I can see where I'M going in the middle of the night. Then you add the pink glitter lava lamp and globe that changes colors (I turn all off but the night light before I go to bed) and sometimes the hall bath light so that she can 'read' a book to her 'babies' before going to sleep. Even I have a night light in my bathroom so I can see things when I wake up in the middle of the night.

I just feel that if it helps the situation and it doesn't hurt anything, then do what it takes to make the bedtime routine a comforting one.

Good Luck!

I know parents who have done all the stuff you've done, some with good results and some not. I think I'm with Becca, who says by trying stuff to get rid of the monsters, you are confirming their existence. I remember a story one of my professors told about his son, who was complaining about being in the gymnasium at his school because there was some sort of monster in there. On the weekend, he took his son down to school to show him the monster, and it turned out that the sun streaming in through a clerestory window was casting a huge shadow because of the basketball goal, and the shadow was moving across the room as the sun moved! By talking to his son about the shadow and showing how he could break the shadow by holding something up between the window and the goal, he was able to ease his son's fears.

On the other hand, there might not be a particular thing - just a general fear. I think a night light is probably a good alternative. Good luck to you. I know everyone in your house will sleep easier when you figure this one out!

S.

It is a phase that most children go through. My son sleeps with his lamp on and he has since he was 3. He has no problems going to sleep with the lamp on so I don't worry about it. I personally don't see anything wrong with leaving the lamp on for her and I wouldn't take it away. I always sleep with the tv on or my closet light on just because I don't like to sleep in the dark either. It's comforting for her and that's all that matters. Is there a reason that you insist on taking away the light??

My daughter, who is now 5, did the same thing when she was 4. I don't know how much you tell your daughter about God but the Veggie Tales have a song called "God is bigger than the boogie man". When her fear of the dark and going to sleep at night started is when we first found that song and she started listening to it. We also explained to her that no one and nothing in this world is bigger than God and that he loves her and will protect her. From that point on she had no problem going to bed as long as she either heard the song or if we sang it to her at bed time. And of course it was just a stage and she grew out of it, the song just helped the process for the time being. I hope you find what will comfort your little one. Take care and God Bless!

My daughter was never scared of the dark, but I remember being terrified when I was a child! Nothing would soothe me. I had a vivid imagination and even during the day imagined devils under my bed, would refuse to walk on the floor (only on my dirty clothes that lay on the floor). My parents were pretty patient with me. I slept with the light on in my room for a long time (years? I'm not sure). The put up with fairly regular visits to their room, and for a while I could stay in bed with them, but then after a while they just had me stand beside their bed talk to them until I got sleepy again. And then, I grew out of it. I have no recolection of how I grew out of it. I think peer pressure had a bit to do with it. (sleepovers with friends who wanted the light shut out, etc)

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but your child might be like me... having a vivid imagination. If its any help, I have grown up to be a regular person, a nice career, etc... but I still get freaked out by the dark occasionally, esp. when my husband is out of town. But don't we all?

Best of luck,

R.

All 3 of my kids began sleeping in the dark, then needed some sort of light about the same age as your daughter. I think this is normal. We didn't do scary movies, books, etc. (still don't). My two oldest have grown out of it, and my daughter, 10, still likes some light at night. I would think that as long as she can sleep with light on, don't make too big of a deal of it. Our jobs are to make them happy and secure, and if that means leaving a light on, then so be it. Small price to pay for their sense of security.

As odd as it sounds, and maybe being a former teacher you can appreciate this, I got the book "Go Away Big Green Monster" and we read it religiously. So she knew what to say and it seemed to help. If she sees something scary, I have heard her say, "Go away!"
She also has the light on as well. We modified it until we moved recently where she picked out her OWN nightlight which was a Christmas Tree and Santa Claus. She loved that which helped to get rid of the BIG light.
Good luck!

I had the same problem with my 5 year old. i finally figured out that she was having night terrors and that we were leaving the closet doors open in her room. The night terrors have since subsited however if we fail to close the closet doors she wakes up screaming and saying that there is a monster in her closet.Good luck

This might go away with time. I would not take her light away. I am 29 years old and I am STILL afraid of the dark. I never sleep with out the T.V on or a night light. I really dont see the harm in it. I just had an idea though. Maybe you can try to get her a big doll or big stuffed dog and tell her it is going to watch over her so she is not so scared. Take your time with it and please be patient with her and dont let her feel ashamed of it.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

My kids slept with a lamp on for a long time. I think they develop a bigger imagination at your daughter's age, and that contributes. My kids had to just outgrow it in their own time. K. R.

Hi!
My, now 6 year old, went through that too. What we found that really helped her was turning some soft music on in her room. We just placed a cheap radio in her room, tuned it to a classical music station, and put it where she couldn't get to it to change it or turn it up. After a couple of weeks, I made the night light "dissapear", and she went right to bed.
Hope this helps!