Toddler RAGE

Put him in his room or another safe spot and shut the door when he starts having these fits. Don't try to calm him or talk to him. Just walk away. You can't rationalize with a 2 year old and you'll only end up frustrated. Tell him he can come out when he can control his self. This method worked for me when my children were small and the outcome has been wonderful. Now as adults when they get upset they remove themselves from the situation until they are in control of their emotions. My trick of the trade thru 40 years of parenting and I still use it with my grands.

I am dealing with the same thing right now. Everything is perfect as long as he is getting his way. Yesterday my 2 yr old threw a fit over wanting pizza. So we agreed to have pizza for dinner. But he was so wrapped up in his tantrum that he wouldn't even put shoes on to go with my husband to get the pizza. So Instead of arguing with him we calmly told him its either putting shoes on and going or staying here with me. He still wouldn't listen. In the end my 5 year old went with his dad to get dinner while i sat there on the computer ignoring my 2 year olds tantrum. after about 5 minutes he calmed down and came and sat down next to me and was fine. I know it is HARD to ignore their behavior but sometimes it really is the only way. I would wait until they are back to their perfect angel like selves and then try and calmly explain wht you tried to earlier. My son tends to get it after. And once you make that habit of not giving in to him he'll realize he won't win and then he'll give up. Good luck though! I totally relate to this one.

.

C.,

This seems so much more than terrible twos, we expereinced the same kind of behavior from our daughter. I would suggest that you consult a Developmental Pediatrician. You can find them at your nearest children's hospital. This is not your regular pediatrician, a Developmental Pediatrician is a specialist and if it is just his strong will, you have lost nothing by knowing that, and you may be taking the first step in getting him the help that he will need now, and later.

In the mean time, stop trying to reason with him. Make a plan every time you go some where, and tell him what will happen if he has a tantrum. Since he does not seem to be able to hear you once it starts, don't try to negotiate with him, just follow through with removing him as quickly as possible, and leave him in a safe place until he is done.

Tell him what you want him to do not what to stop doing. This is much harder than it sounds, but in general, this will be very helpful at his developmental stage. Generally speaking, success breeds success, and the more you can set him up for it, the better. Keep a log for the time of day, the trigger, and how he behaves so that you can really describe what is going on to a professional. You may be surprised by the pattern once you see it on paper.

Last, when you have a child with these kinds of extreem outbursts it is natural to have a hard time liking them, so don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You may need to seek out care for yourself, espcially if this turns out to a symptom of a more difficult diagnosis.

M.

it sounds as if this is more than just a tantrum and terrible two's. if he seems ok one minute and goes into a fit the next and there is no talking to him for more than 20-30 minutes....its more than just a tantrum. he is soo young and i have no experience with this, but i saw a documentary on bi-polar disorder being diagnosed in alot of our children now a days. and although i first thought to my self, oh gosh now this, its just a child being a child....when i finished watching the documentary it really made me reconsider. you should talk with your pediatrician and maybe see a specialist if you think the tantrums are more than just a kid pushing the limits. good luck

C., it sounds like you really need some help. Maybe a break too. You may want to look into some parent counseling on how to deal with your high-energy little guy. I would recommend the Elizabeth Blackwell Center as a starting point. They have free phone counseling ###-###-####. The counselors also do one-on-one parent coaching, and there are parent classes as well.
It is really hard to have people give you the solution without more information and without seeing your family interactions. Most toddlers are determined and fisty, but it sounds like there is something more going on here.
Good luck and God bless.
Julia

C.,
I didn't read through all your replies but what works for me is to sit my son in time out until he's "done". We just started this and it sure takes a while at first. I put him on a specific couch cushion. If he gets up, I put him back. Over and over (and over!). Sometimes I sit by him to put him back every two seconds! The only words I'll say to him are "are you done?". I have noticed him staying put more and the time required for him to calm down has decreased.
When he is done, we talk briefly about how yelling and screaming and crying do not get you what you want.
Good luck. I know it's exhausting.

Don't ignore it, he is wanting attention and will continue until he gets it. Feed him and then go lay down with him. Watch his diet, keep him on natural stuff, no sugar, no red dye/;artifical anything. Keep telling him you love him until you feel it and just hang in there. Get a babysitter and go do something if it gets to be too much.

Read the book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond. You can find it on amazon, or his website at rosemond.com. Good luck!

have you ever just put him in his room and LEFT him? remove anything he could use to hurt himself (even all his toys if necessary), and instead of trying to comfort him, reason with him, explain things to him - just tell him, "when you can calm down you are welcome to come out with us." if he comes back out before he's done, just keep putting him back in. don't engage him! it may be that he is just doing it for attention. of course if that's the case you might need to make an effort to spend a little one on one time with him to make him feel less like he has to do this. just a thought. if this is the case, you would HAVE to stick to it. once he realizes that he's not getting attention from his tantrums, they will hold less appeal. and remember to give positive attention for good behavior.

My son was pretty good, but at that age he had a half dozen or so memorable melt downs. Usually he was over tired or hungry and frustrated over something, and most usually it was at home. When he'd get like this, I'd haul him off to his room, sit him in my lap in the rocking chair and I'd hold him not tightly but he couldn't get away. His back was to me so he couldn't hit or kick very well, and I'd hold him till he was exhausted. It would take about 20 or 30 min for him to blow off enough steam to calm down again. Usually when he was done, he'd want to snuggle and rock a bit more. When we made sure he had plenty of naps and snacks, the melt downs were minimized.

My daughter was very intense like this. Many times we had no idea what would set her off even though her verbal skills were off the chart. We became very consistent with naps and getting quality sleep and also cut out red food dye (she would occassionally get skittles for a treat and we could link the more intense tantrums to that). That being said her tantrums lessened but still occured until she was close to 4. Now she is very sweet and cooperative. In the moment it helped to put her near her room and to remove us from the situation until she would calm down; this usually took 45 minutes. I would call up the stairs to assure her that I was there but I was "free" to get other things done. She would then come down and ask to be held and we could then talk a little about what happened. She usually had a really good reason for why she went "off" and it usually had nothing to do with what we thought set her off. They are little; their emotions are strong and out of control. They don't often "choose" this nor are they doing it to ruin our lives (although it sure seems that way in the moment! I know many a time I felt so frustrated and helpless!) I had called some parenting experts at the Blackwell Center and they were helpful at assuring me that for some children this is normal until close to 4. Set limits and do what you can to maintain your own sanity.

Our granddaughter is almost 3 and she pulled this a few times just a couple of weeks ago when we were present. Fix a place where you can put him where he can't destroy or get hurt, bare room or corner, and put him there at the first sign, say " When you are calm, you can come out!" Repeat each time you need to put him there, but NO other talking, pleading, explaining, etc. He can NOT come out until he is calm and ready to go with whatever is going on.
He is NOT too little to learn this.....he is exerting himself and watching how you react....be calm, speak calmly and matter-of-factly....this is just the way it is and you are the boss.
He will learn that it is NO fun to be in ths boring place.

I really think you need to talk to a psychologist because you need a place to deal with your feelings about this problem, where the person will help you to keep the courage to do what you need to do as a parent.

I think the other responder had some good pointers, too, like the explosive child. Whenever possible if you're trying to ignore the child, I suggest putting some distance between you and him. If necessary, close a door between you.

You will get through this, but I think you could really use some professional help doing so. *hugs*

My son, 3 1/2 now, also gets set "off" very easily though his tantrums are less dramatic/physical than you describe, esp now that he's older. He had some speech/language delay issues which contributed to it. Through this speech delay I found the state of Ohio program, Help Me Grow, which is FREE services to help developmentally delayed/disabled children up to age 3 (at age 3 they age into your local school district.) Your son may not be delayed at all, but I suggest you "refer" your son to their program. They come to your house for an initial eval by an early intervention specialist. He may have a minor emotional delay and they can work with you (did I mention FREE!) on referring you to an agency that can build a program to help you. And if not, they'll still give you pointers during the eval! AND when he gets older, don't count out your school district. My son had his "transition" eval by the schools and though by this time his speech delay was not present, they did notice some aggressive behaviors. Our school district psychologist told me at any time if I felt I needed help to please go to them and they will work with me AND his private preschool to build a program for him. I was so impressed to know I had help if needed. Such a relief to know that your kid really is good, that others think so too, and that there's someone (a whole team even!) to help bring out more of the sweetness. Just google Help Me Grow Ohio to find their website.

Just remember YOU are the parent. You should not let HIM take control. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to stop. YOU ARE THE PARENT AND SHOULD BE THE ONE TO TAKE CHARGE....NOT HIM.

Have you talked and I mean TALKED...about appropriate and inappropriate behavior? Talk about alternative behavior. Respond and praise the good responses, choices, etc. He has to LEARN how to handle things differently. It's your responsibility to teach him how.

Also might do a "check" and make sure no one else in the household is allowed to go into "rage mode" to handle situations. CONSISTENCY is a must!

I can certainly understand your frustration and deep feelings because of the temper tantrums. Many of us have been there or are there right now. Your feelings of uncertainty and frustration are being felt by your child and he is trying his best to be in control. Children with strong wills must be guided and sometimes strongly but you do not want to break that spriit. That strong will is what helps all of us get through life. It must, however, be guided. Do you have a place where the child can go when he is out of control? His room (alone) or a special chair or spot in the house where he must stay until he can regain control. This does not work for all children because they will destroy or not stay put. Some children must be restained by the parent until they can regain control. Holding the child on your lap with his back against your torso and arms wrapped around him might help him calm. "I will let you go when you calm down" There is no talking to an out of control child. He cannot hear you above his own cries. I suggest that you and your husband decide exactly how you will react every single time and that you do the same thing everytime. Being consistent is critical. Decide if he needs to stay in his room until he calms, ona chair where you can monitor but not talk, or holding him tightly. What ever you decide it must happen everytime and he has to learn that he cannot be in control. Easy? No and behavior sometimes gets worse before it gets better but in the end you find that he is intelligent and the strong will that he has can be used for positive things. Hang in there and don't give up.

I feel for you! This sounds exactly like my four year old. He has to call the shots or everyone else is miserable. No matter where we go, he is throwing a tantrum and is constantly telling people what to do and how to do it. I don't have much advice because what might work one day never works a second time. Good luck-I hope you find something that works for you.

This could be far more than the terrible twos. Talk to your pediatrician. I know it may sound crazy but he could be allergic to foods he is drinking/eating. This can affect MANY behavioral issues.
Once you rule that out, find a therapist. It does not get better when they hit 3 years old, it's just as bad.