Toddler Has MAJOR Seperation Anxiety Whenever I Leave

I went through this with both of my sons right around 2 1/2. With the first one, I thought it was because we had just had #2, but with #2 (and no subsequent #3), I found out it is a common thing - even if you haven't had separation anxiety issues before. I think it lasted about six weeks or two months - which can seem like a lifetime when you are going through it - and seemed to resolve itself on it's own. We continued with the routines we had before, and just slogged through it.

Hi,
I understand the MAJOR part pretty well. Some kids are just hyper-sensitive to Mom's presence - or lack of. First, it sounds like you're doing a GREAT job being a mom. You clearly love your daughter and are genuinely concerned about her happiness and well-being. Also,I disagree that she has been traumatized by her family members - if it was just one person, possibly, but since this is a "mommy-or-no one" situation, it sounds like good old separation anxiety.

Some things that I think help (sometimes):
1 - Give her plenty of warning that you will be leaving. Maybe 1/2 an hour is enough, maybe a whole day's prep is needed. And make sure you use "times" that a 2yo understands, like "after your nap", "when Daddy gets home from work", "after lunch", stuff like that. For a while, the extra warning will mean extra anxiety, but that's your **opportunity** to talk about what's making her nervous and to remind her of all the fun stuff she can do with her caregiver. In time, that prep time will be internallized, so she can kind of prepare herself for being away from you. So keep your explanations about why you have to be away, and who will watch her, as positive as possible.

2 - Play games about her caregivers. "I love when Daddy plays with me because..." "I love eating at Grandma's because..." Let your daughter fill in the blank. Then file away the info, to be repeated back to her when she turns to you with that anxious face. Help her remind herself about what she loves about her other caregivers.

3 - Part of the tantrums could be due to developing verbal skills. Make sure you label her emotions: scared, nervous, sad, unhappy, worried, angry, frustrated. I know most of us like to keep things positive all the time for our little ones, but they have negative emotions too. Helping them label their feelings seems to help them get control over them. Weird, but true.

4 - Get a good-bye routine established. Get your jacket on, purse and keys in hand. Then one hug, 2 kisses, an "I love you", out the door. A big raspberry on the tummy. Waving goodbye through the window. Blowing kisses. Just do the same sequence each and every time. Kids this age absolutely thrive on routine. And if your daughter is too upset to participate, make sure you still do your half of the blowing kisses or whatever.

5 - When it's time to go, GO. As painful as it is (and BOY do I know!), it is more painful for your child if she senses your worry. Prolonging the good-bye tells the child that she's right to be scared, that bad stuff might happen. If you stay calm, confident, and stick to your goodbye routine, she'll get it eventually.

5 - It's nice to have an "I'm back" routine too.

Things that don't work:
1 - Leaving without warning her ("sneaking out") is likely to fail in the long term. It's convenient and it works sometimes, but it sends her the message that you don't think she's important enough to say good bye to. Also, if you can just disappear like that, how will she know that you will be back?

2 - Also, bribing her not to cry or scream. She's entitled to her emotions, and at 2 1/2 she has almost no control over them. Rewards for good behavior are great, but bribes to prevent bad behavior are a bad idea.

3 - Letting your anger and frustration show. She's already fighting for control over her own emotions. If she sees your emotions are out of control, she'll totally lose it. Mommy has to be calm, calm, calm.

My own 3 1/2yo daughter still struggles with separation anxiety. There are days when I feel like it's my fault. But I really KNOW it's not. Some kids are just super-attached. And it's really rough on you when the other adults in your life just don't get it. Check out separation anxiety on AskDrSears.com. There's lots of good stuff there too. I really hope you find something that helps you through this.
-K.

Hi :)

First of all, not every child goes through this as intensely, and that's okay. I teach this age group, and some children happily send Mom off with a kiss and a wave, while others are inconsolable for hours. People who haven't gone through this with their own children really don't know what it's like, and you shouldn't listen to their advice.

The important things are:

Unless you have to go to work, stay with her, just for now. Let her feel genuinely secure for at least a couple of weeks before you go about trying to "cure" her of this, if you decide you must.

When you do leave, come up with a ritual that you go through every time - words, hugs and kisses. Then, leave immediately, and come back when you say you will. Get her a transition object - a lovey - to smooth things out. Be consistent.

It may be that she just needs a little more time to process her feelings about separation. Some kids just do!

Hi C.,
I have been going through the same exact thing....EXACT! My daughter is also 2 1/2 and she says the same phrases "No Daddy" "No Grandpa/Grandma"...she actually holds her hand up to to say "No"...."Stop". She really freaks if I even just leave the room to grab something and come right back....
I really believe that this is a stage that ALL kids go through. I've known other moms in the past before I had kids that had toddlers that did just the same. I think that 2 1/2 to 3 is a big learning and growing period. I think they want to be more independent, but the realization that they are growing up makes them want to hang onto being a "baby" for a little while longer. That's my theory anyway...My daughter on top of all of this has also been asking to be held like a baby....
I always try to clearly communicate with her when she's in one of these freak out modes....and calm her down and tell her just what's going to happen and emphasize how much Everyone loves her.
Good Luck!....don't forget to Breathe!
All the best,
S.
______________________
S. T.
Certified Holistic Health Counselor, member of the AADP
www.shannontategiordano.com
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Peek-a-boo. Play it a LOT!! Play hide and seek. Hide her dolly and have her find it. She is going through a stage where she doesnt see you and thinks youre gone forever. She will get over this..until she has to go to school and it will probably start again. Some kids are more clingy than others and thats what makes all kids unique.

It might be a phase. My daughter is 3 and it comes and goes. A few days ago, she only wanted Daddy and not me.
Best thing, I think, is for you to tell her clearly, that you are going to the store (or whatever you're doing). Have Dad or Grandma take over - distract her or keep her busy with her favorite thing to do - like play dolls together or go to the playground or whatever. She does need to get used to you not being there all the time...it will pass. :)

Hi, C..

I am currently having the same problem with my 27 month old daughter. My husband and parents have found toys, DVD's or television programs that she is interested in playing with or watching. My mother also suggested telling her that I was leaving and giving her a kiss. However, once you commit, you need to leave.

If you happen to get any other wonderful advise from the ladies, please let me know.

Good luck.

Susan

All of my children had this problem. It is common at this age as they can't understand the concept of return. Since I had to work, leave taking every day was very painful. We worked thru it and they did learn mommy would return.

C., what a precious age is 2 1/2 ! And I'll bet your little girl is very beautiful.

IMO, professionally and as a mom and grandmom...and traumataized toddler...any time a toddler says,
"No (name)" it's most likely that the child has been scared by that person...even unintentionally, of course; or maybe even some other sort of thing that happens more than people realize.

My own prominent memory is of being that age and being left at a babysitter's home on my mom's way to work. I would cry and scream with fear. Sitter was a scary looking old woman in black clothes and gray hair in a bun (this was the 1940's and she probably wasn't awfully old at all but was a widow, thus always in black and forboding looking.) I think her old-fashioned Italian ways were gruff...oh, and she walked with a limp...scary to me.

When I reached adulthood, something else emerged with the memory...she had an adult or late teenage son...and my fear may have been due to something he did to me. It's a haunting suspicion I feel.

R. Conte CCHT

Have you gone to any playgroups? I would recommend signing up for one if you can but one that is progressive. They do also have classes that are 2-3 months in length that will start off w/ moms, then go to moms staying for a short time & then moms dropping off their kids. My mom, who took care of my daughter, did this & it was great. Then again my child never really had issues with me leaving until she was older (around 4yrs old).
Whatever you do, if you need to go, go. Do not linger or try to calm her down. Give her a warning that you will be going & tell her where you are going. When you are about to leave, tell her again & then reassure her that you will be back soon. Give a hug & kiss and then go. Don't linger. The longer you stay the harder it will become each time there after b/c you start giving them the message that "if I cry & scream, mom will stay". Also, never sneak out. That will cause more anxiety.
You are the main caregiver so she is used to you always being there. She will get past this stage. It may make life difficult but one day you will look back & remember when she would cry when you left instead of her saying bto you "do you have to come with me?"
Good luck,
H.