Toddler Cries All the Time and Has Meltdowns

Updated on December 03, 2014
Y.F. asks from New York, NY
12 answers

Hi Mommies out there...my husband and I really need some help. Our son is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He is 4 and at school we are told he is the model student...well behaved, happy, excited, plays well etc. The minute I pick him up from school he's a crying maniac, whines about everything, doesn't listen to anything we ask him to do, dinner time is just depressing. I dread it every day. The mornings are the same...getting him dressed for school is a nightmare. Do we just ignore his outbursts? Will he just outgrow it? I know he is exhausted and tired from school and sometimes even hungry, but we can't use that as his excuse for his outbursts all the time. He may also even be trying to get attention from us because he has a younger 18 month old brother?

Any suggestions to get through the days without him eventually taking advantage of us?

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So What Happened?

First and foremost, THANK YOU mommies for your great responses!!! I will definitely do my best to keep everything you all said in my head and in my heart. I picked him up from school today and attempted a nap. He didn't want to sleep, but he "rested" in his bed with me for 30 minutes. He said that he wasn't tired and that he took a "tiny" nap.

I do have a sitter that helps me with the baby because I work from home, so I was able to spend those 30 minutes with the older one. We will see what happens at dinner...I do agree, what I have on the table is what we are going to eat.

I do also give all my attention to him when I pick him up from school. I try not to talk too much with the school moms because I find that they actually distract me from watching him when I let him go to the park next to the school.

He is FOUR and I am guilty of forgetting that because he is so articulate for his age.

But again, thank you thank you all for all your suggestions and advice!

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

I can't pick up my 7 year old till 5:30 from aftercare. I have a snack for him in the car to eat on the way home. It's only a 5 minute drive, but when you're a kid, you just don't think that way.

Go with Nervy Girl's suggestions. She's probably nailed it on the head. He doesn't want to leave, because his brother gets to stay with you. Think from his perspective. Once he's at daycare, he pulls himself together and does his best. Once back with mommy (safe/loved), he collapses and the overload from all day explodes all over you.

Have a snack for him. Love him all over when you see him. Try to see all of this from his perspective.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

If this had been my 4 year old, I'd be doing some troubleshooting by asking myself some questions.

First I like to focus on basic needs.
1. Is my child getting well-balanced meals? These are meals that have a good balance of protein and carbs, fresh and prepared foods. Kids have ways of using food as a battleground with parents. I always try to offer a good variety of things a kid *usually* likes and giving three things on each plate or meal, so there's at least one or two choices they'll likely be on friendly terms with.

2. Don't *make* your child eat. If this is becoming a power struggle, (kid doesn't want what I have to offer), I just say "This is what I have for dinner tonight." No more talking. That food is available when they are hungry later. If you decide not to save the food, then decide in advance what you want to offer and put it in a bowl. I do this with my seven year old, who loves to try to negotiate on food. A banana, cheese stick, some pretzels or almonds-- I put these in a bowl for if he's hungry later and leave it on the table until bedtime. Again, I offer choices I can live with, but he does have to eat by bedtime. And he can leave whatever he didn't want in the bowl-- there's no discussion and I don't offer substitutions. :)

Getting him dressed for school a problem? He can either get dressed at home or at school. Take him there in his pajamas and drop him off with day clothes. Let the teachers know ahead of time-- give them a head's up that you might be doing this and that he is to go dress himself if he refuses to dress before school. My guess is that you will only have to do this a couple times before the allure of throwing a fit loses the excitement. If *you* have a backup plan for this, you will give yourself space to feel less stressed in those moments and that will help you stay more emotionally neutral-- instead of you owning this problem, you are handing it back to him. You don't *have* to get dressed before school-- no one is going to make you-- but it *is advisable* to do so.

Identifying which things are hills to die on and which you can just chalk up to "I'll let him figure this out" is important.

3. It's also important to create a strong schedule and sense of predictability for him. When you pick him up, are you talking to other parents or focused on your child? Try to put it in your kid's perspective: I had to go to school, where I'm required to be my best self, while my younger brother got to stay home with mom; My mom is my best, favorite person, she's the person I trust the most. When she comes to pick me up, I can't wait to see her. I'm bursting because I have so many feelings I had to put on hold because I was at preschool and not with her.

(As a former preschool teacher, I can happily tell you how much our little ones *really* want to see their mommies and daddies! :) )

So, make sure that your chatting with other parents happens before the pickup, that way your son can feel like he's not having to compete for your attention. Bring a snack, too. Even kids who do half-day preschool are tired and often hungry-- usually they do more chatting than eating at that age. I'd have shopping and errands done while he's in preschool as well. Preschool is very demanding for little people (it looks just like play to us!), they are learning so much about how to be in groups, in the world, and that's why I mention it so prominently.

Make sure meals, rest times, and your 'together time' with your son is consistent so he can rely on it. My guess is that a lot of gentle touch,smiles, positive non-verbal physical attention (just touch) when he's just engaged in his own play can go a long way. When he cooperates immediately or anticipates a request, give positive feedback. "You really helped me when you set the table. It looks so nice for dinner." "Thanks for putting your toys away so quickly. You were being very responsible. " Simple praising of the *action* is helpful.

5. I'll give one other piece of advice-- we often try to talk our kids out of their bad moods and complaints. I find that instead of getting sucked into a long focus on their negative feelings, some simple empathetic validation goes a long way.
Child :" I never get to have a birthday."
Parent : (instead of "You just had a birthday party last year, your birthday will come soon") "You really want to have a birthday party, huh? That sounds like fun for you." and then "You must be looking forward to your next birthday. Birthdays are fun." This is about as much depth as they need at this age, mostly just having their feelings reflected back to them and understood.

I don't indulge the conversation and I don't dismiss it or try to explain it away, just acknowledge the feeling at the heart of things; I will sometimes ask my son "what would you want to do about that?" and see what answers he comes up with. Sometimes kids start thinking about other stuff and just forget they were upset-- so give it a try. Kids at this age are very mercurial... try not to make this wholly a discipline issue. Remember, he's FOUR.

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K.W.

answers from Seattle on

4yo? Tired, hungry, overwhelmed. He uses all of his energy to keep it together at school, so he falls apart at home. This is pretty typical. He's not taking advantage of you. (And being tired/hungry seems to me a perfectly acceptable excuse for his outbursts.)

Make sure he's getting at least 10 (and more like 11) hours of sleep a night. Bring a snack with you that he can eat on the way home.

BTW, we have a 5 and 7 yo, and dinner is still not fun. The 7yo is fine, but the 5yo has perpetual ants-in-the-pants syndrome. And not just at dinner. We're hoping it improves in the next couple of years.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

Honestly, anyone that is tired and hungry is a monster. It's no fun to want food or your bed and not get them. Only 4 year olds don't know that's what they want or need sometimes.

I'd have a snack in the car when I pick him up and take him somewhere to relax for a little while. Maybe the library to read a book, cuddle on the couch and watch a show, read a book at home - just do something relaxing for him after being stimulated at school.

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C.V.

answers from Columbia on

Sometimes little ones are so overtired that it doesn't matter what we do. I used and still use the phrase that "Everyone has a hard day sometimes, but we can't treat one another badly. Please go in your room and rest until you're ready to be around other people in a nice way."

Often kiddo will just fall asleep. ;-)

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I think in addition to being tired, he probably misses you at school even if he likes it there. I suggest when you pick him up, give him some heavy duty cuddling and a few minutes of intense mommy time. Having an 18 month old brother probably doesn't help the situation.

At 4, they still miss their moms while at school.

Yes, he will grow out of it.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

He IS tired and hungry!
How could that possibly be taking advantage of you?
Try giving him a snack and having him take a nap as soon as he gets home.
He's 4 - our son napped till he was 7 yrs old - he needed the sleep.
He napped in preschool and kindergarten and he slept DEEPLY - REM sleep and everything - every time.
And yes, your 4 yr old still needs attention even though he has a younger brother.
What did you think having 2 kids was going to be like?

Are you sure you're alright?
The kids are just being kids and the way you write things and express yourself - I'm not feeling the love.
Maybe a baby sitter and some down time for yourself might help you cope and regroup.
When our son was 18 months, I needed 6 months on Zoloft - I was too wrapped up trying to be super Mom and not seeing how I was exhausting myself and snapping at everyone.
After the first 2 weeks it felt like the hair on the back of my neck could stop standing on end all the time.
Please make an appointment to see your doctor.

It's VERY common for a kid who's good as gold all day long to lose it when you pick him up at the end of the school day.
He trusts you enough to be himself and let it all hang out.
So it's a GOOD thing - although I know it doesn't feel like a compliment when you are going through it.
He will out grow it eventually but some kids are like this through 2nd grade.

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M.G.

answers from Kansas City on

While I certainly agree with making sure his nutritional needs are met and that he feels loved and secure I also believe children need to be told that their behavior is not acceptable and there will be consequences.

Yes, I spanked my children when they needed it but that is not the only solution. Being firm and telling them that they'll be missing out on special tv time or play time if the behavior continues may work. Be Firm, parents are supposed to be in charge. (unfortunately in our society that does not seem to be the norm) Make sure your child knows that you set the rules and there will be consequences if the rules are not obeyed.

In most cases you have to be super firm to begin with (not letting the child get away with anything) and then as they begin to understand that you mean what you say you can lighten up a little. I have to go back and forth with my own kids (13 and 16), sometimes I'm the meanest Mom on earth (a name I hold with pride) and sometimes I'm a somewhat cool Mom.

Good Luck

M.

I am a childcare provider, I see this a lot. I hear a lot of babying as they are going out the door with the child throwing a fit about nothing. Do Not Baby. Tell the child your expectations and stick to your guns. You Can do this while still being a loving, fun, kind parent.

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F.B.

answers from New York on

My MIL called it "vulture food." She would bring a snack to pick up and the boys would devour it like vultures do a carcass. It gave them the boost that they needed to get through the afternoon and be as close to civilized as children can manage on any given day.

Best,
F. B.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

4 year olds that are tired and hungry are monsters.

Prevention is your best friend.

Please pick up the book easy to love, difficult to discipline. Do it right now. Your library should have it, if not, buy it! Read it, and then read it again, and probably again.

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A.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I didn't have time to read all of your other responses, but just wanted to say that we have a 3.5 yr old girl with virtually the same description you wrote above. After a colossal meltdown on our flight home from Disneyland in which we were trapped with said toddler as she flailed about and had the biggest meltdown of her life, we made an appt. to see a child psychologist for help. We met with the doctor just us, the parents. It was an hour long appt. and we felt it was worth our time. In essence, the best piece of advice we received was a book called "1,2,3 Magic". We have started to consistently use this and have seen some promising behavior changes. Good luck. We also have an almost 7 yr. old, so we know this phase shall pass!

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M.H.

answers from Atlanta on

Nutrition is terribly important but I want to add that chiropractic care can probably solve this problem. The neurological system is a complicated thing and getting it to a baseline of good health will give you a clear picture of what to do next. Most of the time, at this age, it's simply a matter and making sure the brain signals are getting to the rest of the body. when things work appropriately, everything else falls into place....

Hope this helps!
M.

If you don't know one in your area go to upcspine.com and locate one.

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