Spin-off of Dinner Question - Not Eating Dinner, Then Hungry at Bedtime

I feed my dd whenever she's hungry. Sometimes it doesn't always happen at "dinner time". Kids grow while they sleep. It makes sense that their body wants food before they go to bed.

My almost 2 year old is doing a similar thing (yes - I may be in trouble when she gets older! LOL)

What I am doing is giving her a snack right BEFORE I start to get her ready for bed. Then I know she is not hungry, but she can't use the "eat" excuse to not go to bed.

Wrap up her dinner plate (when she doesn't eat a decent amount of it) and put it in the refrigerator. About 10 minutes before time for her to brush her teeth before bed, ask her if she is hungry and if she says yes... offer her her dinner plate. Let her eat as much as she wants of it.

Then, she goes and brushes her teeth and goes to bed. No more snacks offered. She doesn't get to use it to stall (since you offer it in advance of the bed time routine) and she gets an opportunity to eat right before bed (brushing teeth should be part of the regular bed time routine and typically it happened within 30 minutes of lights out for us).

For those times when she DOES eat a decent amount at dinner.... offer her one or two things.... that's it. Don't let her pick from anything she wants. For us, it would be something like a mozzarella string cheese stick or a piece of colby off a block of cheese, with a cracker or two. Filling/protein. Not "junk".

My 5 year old is the same way. Rarely eats more than a few bites at dinner but chows down at bedtime!

He's always been offered a bedtime snack with his stories so I've come to realize that is really when he is hungry. He simply isn't hungry when I am so it's a battle I no longer fight.

If it was up to him, he'd have breakfast at 10 (even if he is up at 7), lunch at 3:00 and dinner at 7:30. Of course, with school, he doesn't have that luxury and as a result eats a minimal breakfast before leaving, a bit at lunch and a larger after-school snack. Then some bites at dinner (he still must join us at the table whether he's eating much or not) and a larger snack at bedtime.

However, his bedtime snack is often what we had for dinner! Tonight he ate carrots, broccoli, snow peas from our stir-fry and strawberries. Other nights it could be leftover chick'n, fajitas, pasta. He is allowed his snack during storytime so it's not like he is getting any extra time added to bedtime.

I know eating right before bed is not the best of habits as we get older, but I also believe in listening to his own body and eating when hungry, not simply when the clock dictates. Also, he is only allowed healthy things at bedtime so there is no refined sugar or anything like that to get him worked up. Fruit, veggies, peanut butter, whatnot.

It works for us!

(but still drives my husband crazy.)

I don't know who is right, but there is an easy way to handle it. 30 minutes before bedtime, announce that it's snack time for anyone who wants to eat before bed. If she turns down food at that time, then I think it's reasonable to turn down her request for food just a few minutes later when you announce bedtime.

I'm not sure. I also grew up very poor, and the feeling of going to bed hungry is really haunting. I am like your husband, in that I never want my kid to know that feeling...no matter the reason. I understand where he is coming from. With that said, I don't think her going to bed a little hungry one night will hurt her. Does she snack close to dinner time? I've found that I can't let my son eat anything for an hour or two before dinner. He just isn't hungry if he does, and of course wants food right before bed. We also tend to eat dinner earlier, and that really helps. He hasn't had as much time to snack later in the day, so he is actually hungry come dinner time.

Kids' stomachs can't tell time. They're hungry when they're hungry.

no child has ever died from going to bed without dinner.
your daughter's situation is not remotely like your husband's.
i would not play this game.
i do not think children should be forced to eat, or have stuff they hate jammed down their throats, or be denied opportunities to graze. but no way should a child rule the family insofar as they can skip family meals and then demand food at bedtime.
khairete
S.

We have this problem too. We were letting him have something, but I don't like feeding him right before bed or after we've brushed teeth. Now I tell him that if he doesn't want his dinner, he gets no food later. At first he said fine, but when he didn't get something later, he changed his tune and started eating more of his meal.

For us, he was wanting something different than what we were having so he was putting off eating. I'm trying to stop being a short order cook and get him to eat what we make. I don't want him to go to bed hungry, but we have to do something.

How long between dinner and bedtime?
And what are your family's eating patterns, do you eat a few large meals or are you grazers?
We tend to graze:
breakfast, around 8
light snack around 10:30
lunch about 12:30
afternoon snack about 3:00
dinner 5:00 to 5:30
small evening snack around 7:30
My kids knew it was "last call" before we started the bed/bath routine, so if they were hungry that was their last chance.
I don't think it needs to be an either/or thing, just make sure your daughter has a reasonable choice within whatever boundaries you're comfortable with.
If you think she's stalling then for sure give her a cut off, snacks are OVER by (fill in the blank) PM and then follow through, she'll learn :-)

The first thing I would do is to make sure that she has NOTHING to eat at least 2 - 3 hours prior to dinner to help ensure that she's hungry. Then, if she eats at least a little bit, then I would let her be excused, but her plate would go in the microwave. If she claims hunger prior to bedtime, heat up her leftover dinner. If she refuses to eat it, then she's not hungry and is playing you. I would definitely NOT let her decide what she's going to eat.

My hubby also grew up poor, so what bothers him is kids not eating their dinner and food being wasted/thrown away. He too went to bed hungry as a child so he does not understand wasting food. Maybe bring that to hubby's attention - focus on the fact that she's wasting food = money.

I guess only you guys can decide what's "right" -- right for YOU.
Personally, when my son was going through that "too busy to eat" phase, I wouldn't let him go to bed hungry.
He could always have a bowl of cereal or something if he didn't eat much dinner.
I don't like being told when to eat.
I would leave time for that. So tell herbitsvtome to bed 20 minutes earlier than normal is what I'd do.
Good luck.

I'm on your side on this one. Make it clear to her at dinner that if she doesn't eat what's in front of her, her next meal will be breakfast. This is a control thing.
Hubby shouldn't call the shots based on his background. You both need to be on the same page. If necessary, compromise: let you have your method of her going to bed for, say, a week. If there are no changes, then allow a glass of milk at bedtime.
Another thought here is that there are times I've gone to bed hungry too. And it helps, for one thing, to not allow the body to become conditioned to overeating. It's like it'll get so used to it that if you don't feed it, it'll start the hunger pains and you'll give in to it and that can lead to weight gain. For another thing, once you fall asleep, those hunger urges disappear. You don't stay awake at night 'dying of hunger'.
So give it a time allotment's try. She'll come around, I would bet. And I wouldn't ply her with non nutritional junk at dinner just to get her to eat. Just put your foot down, lay down the law, and let her find out what it feels like to be silly at dinner. Again, this is one of those ploys kids will use to feel a sense of control, but they're too young to understand the ramifications. Allow it and you and hubby will be dancing to her tune forever!

Not everyone feels like eating at the same time everyone else eats.

Some nights I cannot face dinner, but a bowl of cereal or some yogurt is great at 8 for me.

I cannot eat a thing until after 9:00 am..I love a really nice Breakfast at 10:00 and then not anything for lunch until 1:00 or 2:00..

It is wonderful to be an adult and be able to eat when I want. Go tobed when I am actually tired.

Being a child means living by others schedules.

Kids need a meal every 3-4 hours. They have super tiny stomachs, about the size of their fist. How much food do you think it will hold? Feed her dinner and let her eat what she'll eat. Then she should have a good snack before bedtime too.

I would suggest that you give her a complex carbohydrate such as a sandwich on whole grain bread with a good source of protein. Fruit and other food groups are not as complex to digest and they don't last very long.

Start the bedtime routine after the snack. We do and it's worked for us for a long time. If she's hungry during the night she'll only wake you up numerous times because she won't be able to sleep if she's hungry.

Unless you eat at something like 7pm or 8pm she'll be hungry regardless if she ate a good dinner or not. You need to feed her and not left over dinner unless she really wants it.

Punishing a child for not eating is not healthy or being a good parent.

My kids and I always have a bedtime snack. I personally don't sleep well hungry. It is a long time for a little one to go without food until morning, even if she ate well at dinner. Just make it a part of her bedtime routine that she has a bedtime snack before brushing her teeth.

In our house, the kitchen is only open during meal times and during two snack windows, one in the morning, and one after.

Dinner is the last opportunity for food. I will allow my kids extra fruit if they really don't like what's for dinner.....But this is during dinner time, and they have fruit with dinner most nights..

If the time between dinner and bed is only an hour, do you think it's more that she wanted something different in the first place or a stalling technique? If I think my DD is just stalling, she can take a canteen with water to bed.

I would talk to him about how you don't think it's about food. You think it's something she's found she can control (and I bet she knows Daddy will always give in) and you and he need to work it out. If you want her to eat dinner, then she should eat dinner, and if she doesn't, she has been given the opportunity to eat and obviously wasn't so hungry that she did. TOTALLY not the same thing as not being offered a meal at all. They are different issues and if he still feels that strongly, maybe he should talk to her pediatrician for another POV.

If your DD is a grazer, I'd try to schedule her grazing. Snack at 3. Dinner at 6. Bed at 8.

We discovered when DD was a toddler that she sleeps better with a small (and I mean a few handfuls of cereal or some fruit or something) snack before bed. But that doesn't mean she skips dinner first. I'm not like that, and we never specifically offered the sks a bedtime snack, but DH is a bedtime snack person.

My son is 4 and does the same thing. If he doesn't finish his dinner then I leave it out for him to finish before bed. If he did finish dinner then he can have a peanut butter sandwich.Last might after he finished the first sandwich, he asked for another!

I've started getting him ready for bed about 15 minutes earlier to give him time to eat.

I think you have to pick which issue you are going to address. Is it:
A. not eating what's served at dinnertime
OR
B. stalling bedtime?

I have a few options. If it were me in your situation, I'd write down the considered options and then discuss them in private with my husband so that we were both in agreement and on board with how to proceed.

If you are wanting to address the fact that she's not eating what's served for dinner, then 20 minutes before bedtime, you say "If you are hungry, you may have what's left on your plate right now. Otherwise, the kitchen is closed." When/if she asks for her favorite desired item, you say "yes, you may have the cereal/fruit tomorrow". (I have known a few kids who were not good eaters who stalled eating until they could get what they want. This drove their parents nuts and they weren't getting good nutrition, so it can be a problem if they are only getting sugary empty calories. )

If you are simply wanting to address the bedtime stalling and she's getting good, well-rounded meals the rest of the day, then you can tell her (again, way before bedtime) "If you want a bowl or cereal or a banana, you must come have it right now. Otherwise, the kitchen is closed and you may have more to eat at breakfast time." It's important to keep our statements positive -- as in "you *may have* more at breakfast" instead of "you won't get any more food tonight".... it's the same message, but doesn't invite a power struggle.

Then, stand firm with *her* decision, either way. If she comes to eat, great. If not, then give her five minutes and then say "I see you haven't come to eat, so the kitchen is closed. You may have something at breakfast tomorrow." No more talking about it. If/when she complains, that's your mantra: "You may have more at breakfast tomorrow. We're done eating for today."

Your husband needs to see that this is *her* decision not to eat when she should. By being proactive about offering something way in advance, I hope he will learn that you are not being reactionary. For what it's worth, I grew up in similar circumstances and went to bed hungry a lot for a while. It's a terrible memory, so I know why he has such a strong visceral reaction to the idea. It's like being cold and not being able to get warm... literally painful. So do keep that in mind.

I also understand that kids are also hungry for structure and guidelines, which is why I am pretty strict with my son about eating his dinner *at dinnertime*. The only time he gets extra food later on (and there have been a handful of times) have been obvious growth spurts, where he's cleared his plate more than once at dinner and is hungry an hour and half later. Then, we will give him something filling like a banana with almond butter or half a sandwich. He has tried using 'I'm hungry' as a stalling tactic a couple of times, times when we could tell he was just dragging out bedtime (slow to put on pjs, slow to pick out stories etc.) and then I just say "well, you may have something to eat at breakfast time. The time for eating was at dinner." This just reaffirms when things need to happen. So if you have a grazer, get her back to the table at 30 minutes before bedtime and be clear-- THIS is last call for food. :)

(BTW: we do an afternoon snack between 2:30 and 3 or so and dinner at 5:45-6ish, bedtime is 7ish (stories and a quiet time to play; he's asleep by 8:30 and is 6 years old.)

when my kids were young... (1 -3 years) we had official snack times... morning, afternoon and bedtime...as they got older they ate more at meals and we don't have so many official snack times anymore.. not sure when it ended.. but they just gradually stopped needed snacks.. we never have a morning snack now.. sometimes afternoon (if dinner will be later than normal) we hardly ever have a bedtime snack..

however.. if this is causing problems in your house.. I would offer a healthy snack before bedtime.. a fruit or a grain (toast or cereal) 30-45 minutes before bedtime.. then no more food requests...

Depending, I've done one of two things (my kids are 4 and 5):

- You get to sit at the table while everyone finishes their food and anything left over gets wrapped up and put away for later. If you get hungry, that's what you get to eat. No seconds or new foods before what is on your plate has been eaten.
(This is a good solution for my littlest one, who eats when she's hungry and doesn't when she's not. There's no need to press her to eat.)

- You need to eat more of your dinner before you get to be finished.
(This is what I do with my eldest, who gets distracted and will barely eat. She has an incredibly fast metabolism and is skinny, so I need her to get enough calories during the day. Thus, I press her to eat even when she doesn't feel hungry.)

In any case, we eat a late dinner and if my kids need something, right before bed is not the time to ask. So, I say:
- Tough cookies little one. Dinner time is over. Let me know that your hungry before you brush your teeth next time. Right now it's bedtime.

we have a rule that they need to eat their dinner. They don't have to finish all of it, but they need to eat maybe half at least. At bed time, it's bed time. If they are hungry, then they should eat more dinner.

Strange - I've never done "bed time snacks" and never allowed it with my daughter either (she's 10 now) ........ I always saved her dinner if she didn't want to eat it, then if she got hungry later I'd offer that to her. Right before bedtime we didn't get any food out.

She may be a grazer, but that's probably a learned behavior more than a biologically driven one.

Best advice we received regarding meal times with young children:
1. Do not make a separate meal for a picky eater, but do make a considerate one. If you know that she doesn't like heavily spiced pasta (example), take a scoop out before you add the spices. She eats the same thing, just slightly modified.
2. No snacking whatsoever if dinner is within the hour. Water only, no milk or juice. If she's not hungry, you have no chance!
3. 2 "likes" and 1 "no thank you" items. This was my mom's thing and it always worked. There were always two dinner items that were no-brainers, but we each had to add a third item into the mix as well. She called the portion size a "no, thank you" helping. If you ate that small amount, you could say "no, thank you" to more.

We have had our battles with our soon-to-be 5 yr old over foods, but have never sent him to be hungry. He hasn't outright refused dinner in a long time, but there are nights when I know that he didn't eat nearly enough and I want him to sleep well. On those nights, he can have a yogurt, cereal bar or a piece of toast with butter, but nothing "sweet".

Very small afternoon snack. (An Apple or banana a few pretzels) small being the key word. Then nothing else til dinner. If she is wanting to hold out for a snack later because it's junk food switch it to a healthy snack of fruit or veggie before bed not cookies. Or better yet wrap her plate and reheat it for snack. We always ate an early dinner and the kids had a bowl of cereal before bed.

Is she refusing dinner in favor of having different foods later? Have you tried offering to heat up a plate of dinner food when she says she is hungry?.

Another thought - what time do you have dinner? If she's legitimately not hungry at dinner time, maybe you should have dinner later. A lot of families in my area eat at 5pm or so, before their kid's evening activities. My kids activities happen at 5-6, so we eat at 6:30pm or later even when they don't have an afternoon thing and on weekends. If I were to serve dinner at 5, they would barely eat because they would truely not be hungry yet.

Separate from the dinner issue, I grew up having a small snack before bed, and my kids do too, if they want one. (No weight issues here.) Snack is the first step in the bedtime routine.

As adults we get to eat when and what we want, most of the time. But as children we have no say? I feed my daughter when she's hungry, meals or snacks. And I never push or force her to eat if she's not hungry.

I developed an eating disorder at 15 that has plagued me off and on for most of my life. I will not make food into a power struggle with my daughter. If she's hungry she eats, if not, she doesn't. We don't go to bed hungry.

of course you let her go to bed hungry. you see what giving in has done - made it worse. hubby has some issues of his own but bottom line, either he keeps doing it his way or you get her to eat dinner. his way won't do that. of COURSE you let her go to bed hungry. my rule has always been no eating after a certain time (an hour or so before bedtime) anyway. if that doesn't then you cut back on afternoon snacking. she's 5, not 2. it won't hurt her promise.

ETA- WOW i never knew so many people ate right before bed and have no issues with their kids demanding to do so as well.

my son is a HUGE eater. he always has been. our problem has never been "getting him" to eat - it's getting him to stop. (he is also 99th percentile for height and weight - not an extra ounce of fat on him at 6 years old lol). so i am forced to draw boundaries for eating. hence the no food after dinner rule. that's just always how we've done it.

When is her last snack time before dinner?
Make that snack smaller or move it up a few hours so she's hungry at dinner time.
If my son got a big snack when he got home from school it use to mess up timing for supper.

my kids do this, too. (9 and 6)
IF they ate dinner well, they get a snack (meaning they are hungry because their bodies need it due to growth spurt, etc). If they didn't we wrap the dinner plate and they can go grab it.

Two things I started doing. 1. offering a snack EARLIER in the afternoon 2. Pushing dinner LATER by about 45 min. (oh and a third thing, limiting the amount of snack they eat)

If you can try that, do. If not and you recognize she is a grazer, build a snack into the routine for bed so it isn't a hassle to the schedule.
good luck.

We had this problem for a short period of time. It was a ploy to stay up later.

I could re-write what Krista P, Carolynn Johnson and Cheryl B have said, but they said it so well there is no need.

I was brought up poor too. But my mom was a fantastic bargain shopper and always found stuff for us to eat. But I HATE throwing food (money) away. Stop the grazing. If you stop the grazing (learned behavior) you will have more eating during meals and less pickiness.

Good luck to you and yours.

I have been there with my 4.5 year old. He sometimes likes to wait until 2 minutes before he goes to bed or as I'm tucking him in bed to announce he's hungry. It's very frustrating when I know it's because he just didn't like his dinner so he barely ate it. I tell him he can have extra food at breakfast then. He needs a certain amount of sleep or we are all sorry so I'd rather he sleep than stay up to eat! lol But, I would do the same as people are suggesting if it was a consistent problem. I would offer a snack of fruit or something healthy about half an hour before bed.

I still struggle with this issue and my son is 13. I have concluded over the years to not send him to bed hungry. I've tried it when he was younger and he was very agitated and couldn't sleep. I think it depends on the child, their temperament, their eating habits and diet in general, etc. My son was also the type for whom "cry it out" didn't work. (He cried until he vomited and cried long beyond the time "the book" advised that the average child would settle down.) Given my son's temperament and the fact that he's small and skinny I don't send him to bed hungry. I do sometimes put down my foot and say "just go to bed" if it's really late or bedtime when he announces "I'm hungry." I also determine what it is he's allowed to eat--both in terms of nutrition and that amount of time it takes to eat, prepare, etc. For example, he likes to ask for a bowl of soup. If it's bedtime I offer something quicker like fruit or pretzels instead. Maybe you can compromise--try not to send her to bed hungry, but limit her choices and their timing. "If you want a snack before bedtime it needs to by right after your bath" or something like that. Good luck.

I cave and give the snack.