Toddler Biting - State College,PA

My daughter only bit a child once - and that was after she was bitten by one girl repeatedly. She got tired of it - reached over the bit that little girl, right on the cheek - hard. I was horrified! But just as the teacher was telling me about it and I was looking at the other little girl's face, her mom arrived. When the teacher told mom that "another child" bit her after being bitten a few times the mom, to my surprise said "Good - she deserves it - maybe she'll stop biting other children now". Her daugher never bit after that.

I don't know if you ever saw the movie "Sled-Dogs" - but an old mountain man tells the newbie that a particular dog needs to know who's boss and to show him by biting him on the ear. later in the movie the newbie bites the dog on the ear and the dog begins to mind his master. (The old dude asked incredulously "You did what? I wasn't serious!")

The point is - your child needs to understand in no uncertain terms that she can't bite others. Perhaps she's connected the fact that when she bites she gets to go home with you. Instead she needs to connect an unpleasant consequence with biting - and that's going to be hard to do if the consequence is delayed too much. Ask the daycare provider if she couldn't be put in a highchair (belted in so she can't wiggle out) with no stern discussion or talking to - just a very matter of fact pickup, & put into highchair and then pretty much ignored (except for well-being) immediately after biting. Set up a rewards chart to coordinate. When she has a bite-free day she puts a sticker on the chart. When there's a week of stickers she gets a special treat. She's encouraged to have good behavior "now Katie, I KNOW that you're getting to be a big girl now and big girls don't bite. i am going to be so proud of you when you finish the day with no biting! " When you drop her off, reinforce good behavior. ignore bad behavior.

Between the at-home stickes for desired behavior and the at-school highchair, ignored by teachers treatment for negative behavior she'll figure it out pretty quickly.

Good luck mama!

They need to give you more information. And they need to be willing to use that information to make changes.

Do the bites occur during free play time when kids are tussling over a toy? Then the teacher in the room needs to set up free play time differently (eg, have it more structured, divide the room into play areas, and only allow a small number of kids in each area at a time, etc).

Does it occur during outside recess when kids are deciding who gets to go down the slide first? If so, again, the teacher needs to provide more structure, she could plan organized games during recess or something like that.

Does it occur during transitions between activities, like when everyone is going to wash up before lunch? If so, then the teacher needs to reorganize so that she is dismissing only 2 kids at a time to the sink, and the next two kids don't get up until the first 2 are down. Etc.

Once the daycare knows when the bites happen, they could assign an extra teacher to the room for those times to shadow your daughter for a short time to defuse any frustrating situations.

Is she biting the same couple of kids? If so, can they be separated into separate rooms or at least separate play groups within the room?

Also, have you talked to them about an appropriate consequence? Most daycares will not put kids in the toddler room into time-out. But, if you know that time-out works as a consequence for your child, you can suggest to them that she get a 2 minute time out from playing when she bites. Or, if there is some other consequence that you know works better for her, then ask them to use it.

Frankly, the consequence they are using - sending her home - is likely to backfire and make things worse. She probably thinks it's great that she gets to come home early and spend the day with Mom instead of staying at daycare.

However, as Leigh said, the daycare provider has to be willing to make adjustments, and some of these require some serious effort by the teacher in the room. They have to be willing to take responsibility for what is happening in the classroom. And, FYI, I have seen my daycare do all of these things, so these are NOT unreasonable things to ask.

On your part - is she an only child? If so, then that might explain why you don't see the behavior at home. Do you take her to play with other kids (friends, cousins, etc)? What happens in those situations?

ETA: Wait a minute - they had her in a different room alone? This is not time-out, this is being ostrasized for a developmentally normal behavior.

Any suggestions we give to you to curb the biting won't mean anything unless those suggestions are given to, and tried by, the day care provider.

The fact your child was "bitten 10-20 times per week at her old daycare" points to why she bites now. She learned there that it was acceptable to bite! I assume you removed her from that child care because it was horrible -- and the other kid who bit her should have been removed after a FEW bites, not 10-20 per WEEK. Many day cares actually have a formal policy that a child gets only a certain number of biting incidents before he or she is ejected -- I've heard parents say it's sometimes as low as "three bites and you're out."

Does your current day care provider know that your child was repeatedly bitten every single day in her previous day care? Explain that if you have not done so. Do not say it's an excuse for her behavior but say that you are telling them to explain it, not to excuse it. She unquestionably learned this at the first day care. Then tell them that you are committed to stopping this but cannot do it without working directly and daily with them. When you say "we" have tried time outs and teething bracelets etc., does "we" mean you at home or is day care doing those things?

What exactly do they do to stop her? Do they react instantly so that she will associate her behavior, biting, with their consequence, such as giving her a time out or making her sit out of an activity? If they don't react instantly she is not going to connect her action with losing something she likes. A child her age is too young for them to wait to institute a consequence; it will mean nothing to her, even five minutes later.

Do they know her well enough and watch her closely enough to know when she's ABOUT to bite? Do they know her triggers, such as being tired, hungry, another kid taking the toy she wanted; is she likelier to bite when it's time for the group to transition to another activity (like "It's time to stop playing at the toy kitchen and have snack," and if she doesn't want to transition, she lashes out at the nearest kid?)? Prevention is key and if the day care has too many kids or not enough adults they are not going to ever learn her triggers and redirect her before she bites; they're only going to punish her after she bites and they hear another kid howling.

Do they use physical punishment? If they swat, tap, slap or pop -- move day cares immediately. Any kind of rough touch with her only shows her that it's OK to make others hurt. Again, she will not connect the idea that "I bit X and got a swat so next time I should not bite X" --she is not quite there yet.

I truly think that if she's biting a lot, she is possibly not ready for day care, period. They must eject her if she is a biter; other parents of the bitten kids will go after the day care, remove their kids or have its license questioned if they allow one kid to bite consistently. (This is why I am appalled that the previous day care let a child be bitten as much as your child was -- that seems like neglect by the staff to me!)

If she absolutely must be in day care, you may need to take some time off to be AT day care with her for a week or possibly much more, to observe, and work with the providers to figure out her triggers and how to prevent by redirecting her before she bites. She requires a huge amount of hands-on attention right now when with other kids, and she also needs age-appropriate discipline (time outs may not be for her yet; many kids under about 3 to 4 don't connect them to their behaviors).

It's troubling that you mention that the day care will send her home if she bites or is "aggressive." Is she showing other aggressive behaviors besides the biting? If so, be sure to have her evaluated. Biting is pretty common but if she has trouble controlling herself and her temper, have a look, possibly, at eliminating food dyes from her diet (they are known to make some kids aggressive and angry--I know a family that saw a huge change in their daughter after eliminating all yellow and red dyes, which are in more foods than you think); look at her blood sugar levels (low blood sugar can make people including kids lash out--I have seen it with family members who have blood sugar issues); and otherwise have the doctor ensure that something like that is not going on.

Most likely it's a phase but that doesn't help the daycare's concerns for
the other kids.
If my child was there & getting bitten, I would want that child removed.
The best thing to do at this time, is to pay for someone you TRUST to stay home w/your child during this time.
Once the phase if over, you can return to that daycare (as there should not be any bad blood).
Also, when you are at home w/her, watch her! Redirect her if you thinkg she is going bite.
The thing w/biting at a young age is you have to catch it BEFORE it happens hence being home w/her.
If you could take a week off & stay home w/her like the other poster mentioned, you could watch her at daycare or better yet, work w/her at home. Hold her close to you on your chest, watch to see if she goes to bite you then quickly move her away from you & say "no bite".

How are your daughter's verbal skills? Is her hearing and sight normal?
Some biting for toddlers is normal, but kids that bite quite a lot or act out physically in reactive ways often have issues with communication.

If daycare is stressful for her and she doesn't have the words she needs, she might be lashing out in frustration. At home, you, her dad and brother are much more aware of her gestures and she doesn't need as many words to communicate, therefore she doesn't act out with you.

Kids bite for the exact same reasons they hit or kick or pinch. It's because they are upset or frustrated. Also, toddlers who have a habit of hitting or kicking or biting do not break those habits easily. And it happens in a split second. There's very little anyone can do about it in the moment because it happens in a moment. The only thing that can really be done is repeating, "Nice touch," and "We don't bite, we use our words," and other similar phrases.

Daycare centers often cannot deal with kids who bite because there really isn't a way to deal with it. It takes time and consistency. But the daycare center has to try and protect all of the kids, and it's really, very difficult to protect a child from a biter. They are just way too quick and way too young to understand what's going on. Other kids hit or kick, and no one is threatening to kick them out of daycare! As adults we understand that biting is more dangerous, but the toddlers do not.

My oldest was a biter. He often bit one of his cousins. It wasn't malicious, she just got under his skin easily, and he got upset. That was a really rough time for us, partly because we didn't want my brother and his wife to hate us. We really were doing everything we could to get him to stop. I was lucky, because I was a SAHM and didn't have to worry about daycare.

My youngest is in daycare. He's much bigger and isn't a biter. He has been bitten several times (and never developed a habit of biting because of it), but I'm pretty sure he was the instigator! He's a big kid and sometimes he would just take the toy he wanted and the kid he took it from would bite him. The daycare was always very apologetic and almost afraid. I'm sure they've had some very upset parents in the past. I just said, "Hey, these things happen, and I'm sure my son was not an innocent bystander!"

Maybe it's because big brother was a biter and I know what it's like, but I would never get upset with the teachers, the center or the other child's parents. It is really hard to be the parent of a biter. It is not an easy habit to break, mostly because they just don't get it. They are too young to understand why this is such a big deal.

Just keep reminder her about nice touches and being a big girl and big girls don't bite. Talk to her teachers about a reward system if she doesn't bit all morning or something. If she's in daycare all day, this is very, very hard for you to address.

Hang in there! She will stop biting. I wish I had advise for you on how to help her get past it sooner. Just know that you are not alone and you have done nothing wrong! And keep loving your baby. She is not a bad girl!