Toddler Bedtime Seperation Anxiety

I don't know if it'll work for you; but with my 3 1/2 y/o daughter we would sit with her and allow her to think that we were going to stay there all nite and eventually she would fall asleep and then I'd leave the room....now she goes to bed w/o any problems. We've stopped having to stay with her b/c she has it in her mind that we're always there no matter where we're at. I don't knw if it'll help with you but good luck! keep us posted!

My kids both have a cd player with a specific CD that they listen to when they are going to sleep. After stories they get a three song cuddle. (they can't tell the time but they do know when they get to the third song). I am very firm about leaving after the tiird song. I had to do that because my son was th4e same way. I was starting to think I was gonna have to go to college and put him to bed too! lol. Good Luck.

I'm probably gonna get flamed for this response, but thought you could have another viewpoint to chew on. I disagree with most of the posters about letting the child cry it out, making sure she knows who's in charge, etc ESPECIALLY if it is hurting your heart. In our society, we women (especially women) are taught to use our heads instead of our instinct. Even an Ape would comfort her young if it was crying...why do we make it so hard on ourselves by 'teaching' our kids but making them cry in the process?
It's not about you working or feeling guilty...it's about the time you have with your daughter--if you don't get enough time with her during the day, why not spend more with her at night? I mean, after the ritual--bath and books--just lay in bed with her cuddling until she falls asleep? Then roll out of bed.
When babies (and kids) cry it raises their adrenalin, this keeps them awake longer (unless it's that wimpering cry that fades off to sleep)...seperation anxiety, fear of the dark, lonliness are all reasons to cry and when mom leaves and doesn't come back --or WORSE, PUNISHES--tells the kid that they are on their own--no one to rely on, no one to trust to help them.
I think we have a society that tells moms to ignore their instincts and 'train' kids to be independant. Unfortunately, pushing kids away doesn't boost independance, it actually does the opposite--kids become clingy.
So, hold your child close would be my advice. HELP her learn by continuing your ritual, but holding her close for that hour that is usually taken up by crying. You aren't losing any time, but you are helping her get more sleep.

For what it's worth, yes, I do sleep with my kids. We all pile in bed (4yo, 3mo old) and snuggle. Everyone falls asleep pretty quickly and we are all hugging and snuggling. Once the kids are asleep, my hubby and I can sneak off to the other bed if we want...or sometimes we just stay there. There is NOTHING this side of heaven like waking up to the sweet smiles of your children and hearing them say 'good morning mommy' ( or in the 3mo old's case "suck suck suck" hahahahahah)

I know Dr Phil is anti-cosleeping. But he is in the minority of many Drs (oddly, most of my Dr friends DO cosleep, but have to 'tout the company line' by saying 'cosleeping is dangerous' when the reality is that co sleeping is very safe if done right--no drugs, drinking, etc)...in fact, studies have shown that continuous touching during sleeping keeps the brain active at night which means more neurons are firing, and it increases intelligence. Also, in little babies (1st year) it helps keep SIDS at bay. They regulate their breathing off of moms breathing--this works also with baby in bassinet next to moms bed.
Ok--now I'm just defending co-sleeping...and I know that wasn't your question...sorry to get off on a rampage--I guess I'm just in defense mode since I expect to get flamed by telling you to lay next to your dear child until she falls asleep. Is it a bad habit? You could look at it that way, but only if you don't like laying next to your child. Do you think she would want you there when she is 8? Probably not. Definitely not at 10...so what's a few years of cuddling? There will come a day when all of us wish our babies were little again so we could hold them in our arms.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp#T071005

And...please excuse typos...I have a nursling in one arm and am trying to type one handed (left hand too!) :)
If you got to the bottom, thank you for reading. Again, just wanted to give another side/option that works for us.

R.,
There is no harm in staying with her as long as you set the boundry that at a certain time comes you must leave to go to sleep and so should she. Tell her what time that is going to be and let her see it on the clock.
I had to do this with my daughter. She is a little younger than yours. I just told her that the time has come for mmommy to go now. She is going to go to sleep too, so you won't be missing out on any fun things.

Let her know that moomy loves her very much and she is just down the hall.
I tell my daughter that when she wakes up the next day, then we start a whole new day and eveing of fun times as a family.
Anyway that is what has workded for me. Well, expect when she is sick. Then things get kind of messed up then, I must admit. We both end up sleeping on the couch. I will not let her sleep in my bed for any reason. From the day I she came home from the hospital till this very second she has never slept in my bed.
My daugher seems to get her seperation anxiety at daycare every morning. Sometimes I think I would rather have it at bedtime. It does pull at your heart strings no matter what time of day this happens.
Anyway, best of luck with your seperation anxiety.

Hi R.,

She does have you wrapped around her little ____@____.com's not going to be easy, nor will she like changing her bedtime habits, but it can be done!

I always like to ask parents "Who is in charge?" "Does she control when she goes to bed or do you?" "Who do you feel should be making the decision?" If you're happy about how it's going there's no need to change. It's obvious it's not working the way you want it to.

You shouldn't feel guilty about your lack of time with her. It's not the quanity of time, it's the quality of time that you spend with her. Give her lots of love, attention & respect during the time you are with her. It sounds like you do. It doesn't get any easier when she gets older if she know's she can control you!

You have a good bedtime routine up until the time you leave the room. Before you leave the room, give her a big hug & kiss. Tell her you love her & that it's time for to go to sleep, then leave, even if she's begging.

If she continues to scream & cry have your husband check on her instead of you. Open the door, tell her stearnly it's time for bed & nothing more. If he can't then you have to be stearn also. No drink or picking her up, she's just prolonging sleep, and cotroling the situation. She may stop after a couple of nights or it may be longer, but if you give in, you're encouraging her behavior to carry on to get what she wants. She will try that with other things as she gets older.

Most kids will try this. It's part of growing up. Some are more persistant then others. Some get away with it B/C parents allow it until it goes too far. Some parents are OK with it, it's just according to what works for you family.

My husband would have had the kids staying up later so he could spend more time with them in the evenings. I always told him we needed time for each other in the evening, to talk about our day, unwind, and relax. He realized it was best for all of us once we got into a routine.

Good luck!

Hi R.,

I had a similar situation with my little one, but he is a little younger (he is 2). He insisted that I sit in a chair by his door and stay in his room until he fell asleep. All this did was promote his stalling.

We have a bedtime book called llama llama red pajama. It is all about a little llama who's mama puts him to bed and leaves the room and he decides that he wants her to come back...the llama continues to excalate his whining to a tantrum until mama comes running. At one point it says...mama llamas always here even if she's not right here. I used this book to explain to my son that if he needs me I am right in the next room. I took a gradual process...first I stayed pretty much right out side the door, somewhat in my room, mostly out of sight, but he could still see me a bit. I gradually continued to work my self out of sight more and more and for longer and longer times. The first few nights he hollered for me quite a few times and I always went in kissed him BUT DID NOT STAY. After a week or so. I could pretty much put him in bed, walk out, and he will go to sleep. Except for the occassional retuck in, or sip of water. Hope this helps with your little one!

R. B

I actually saw this on Super Nanny, and it really does work. You are halfway there: you've set the bedtime expectation, you read and settle down. Now you just have to enforce the bedtime. Once you tuck her in and say your final "good night", leave the room. If she cries, but stays in bed, she'll eventually pacify herself and go to sleep. But if she's like my son (who kept getting out of bed), you will have to put her back in. When you go in, SAY NOTHING (that part is very important). Just gently, but firmly, put her back to bed and leave again. Do it as many times as it takes until she falls asleep. It will be very hard at first, but she will get the idea after a couple of nights and she should comply and go to bed without too much drama. You may need to let her cry for more than 30 minutes. It might only happen the first night.

I know how hard it is...I'm a single working mom and my son pulled the same "I miss you Mommy" guilt trip on me for years. They get their way because we love them and would rather spend more time with them, too. But the uncompromising bedtime worked for me. I hope it works for you, too. Good Luck!

I have to say I completely agree with Bobbi J's response. Some nights my son wants to be in his bed by himself and he goes to sleep with no problem. Other nights he wants me to snuggle with him until he falls asleep. He is 3 1/2 and I absolutely love our "snuggle" time. We chat about the day, talk about tomorrow, etc. until he drifts off. Its a great bonding time for us.

I have tried the tough love method and he usually ends up crying until he throws up all over his bed.

Do what is right for YOU and YOUR child. Everyone is different and you need to do what is right for you and your family.

My son is well behaved, cooperative, etc. I have not "ruined" him by snuggling with him at night or letting him sleep in our bed when he's wanted to.

Good luck.

I have a four years old that use to do the same exact thing. Like you I to work full time and felt the guilt to spend more time with my kids. I started doing this and it took about a week but it did work for me. I would do the bed time ritual and then I would leave the room and go back in every 3 to 4 minutes just to let her know I was still there. I kept adding minutes everyday and then after about a week she learned that I to slept there and did not go to work at night. Then I would have a picture of what the clock would say when I would be at the babysitters, because I often went to work before she woke. I hope this helps.
B.

Hello R.. I must say that I completly understand your problem even though I am a SAHM. I do not think your little one is going through her tantrum as a cry for more attention. I know with my 4 y/o it is only b/c she is trying to avoid going to sleep; for some reason children think sleep is a bad thing, terrified that they are going to miss out on fun time. I understand she can cry for a long time, but I do think if you do it every night the amt of time she cries will lessen each night. The only way I can do it is by going out into our garage and sitting in a chair where I cannot hear either of them crying. Best of Luck!

Bedtime wars are awful! Everyone is tired and cranky and now fighting. My sweet angel of a son went to bed in his big boy bed for about 6 months with no problems. He would curl up with his blanket and be out. Then all of a sudden he started getting up for no reason - a total terror. Every night, we would put him back to bed. We tried EVERYTHING. Walking him back to bed with no emotion, sternly but not yelling telling him it was bedtime, yelling - we ran through them all. Nothing helped. Finally, we were tired of fighting. We put a gate on his door and some quiet toys in his room. After just 2 nights of crying at the gate, he would get out of bed and play with his toys. As long as we don't hear him, he can play as long as he wants. We decided that as long as he doesn't know we realize he is up, then there isn't anything to punish him for. We just play dumb! If he starts crying, we just help him into bed. It may be the lazy way out, but it is so much nicer. No more bedtime wars and everyone is much happier.

My daughter, who is almost 3, did the same thing for a while. It was SO frustrating and exhausting! I coudln't understand why my normally well behaved child would act like this at night. Finally I had an epiphany - we don't allow that type of behavior during the day and we won't at night either. Putting her in a time out gave her what she wanted (more time up with us so... we instilled some consequences for screaming and yelling.
I explained to her that it is NOT okay to yell and scream at bedtime, and if she does her consequence is either no TV time or no treats (yogurt, fruit snacks, juice, etc.) the next day. The few times she has yelled after we started this I go into her room and help her calm down, usually we take some deep breaths and then I tell her (very matter of factly) she lost a privelege for the next day. We follow through by reminding her every time she asks to watch a show that she lost her privileges because she yelled at bedtime. It is so funny to hear her say privilege and consequence! Now all I have to say is, "Do you want to lose a privilege?" and she stops. Well 95% of the time she stops :)
I hope this helps. Good luck.

Hi R.,
I have to agree with Bobbi. My daughter (who is almost 2 1/2) wants me to stay in the room with her until she falls asleep and I do (I've NEVER let her cry it out). I too work full time and try not to think about how many actual hours I see my daughter during the week because it makes me sad....so....I spend time with her when I can. I don't lie in bed with her because she uses a toddler bed but sometimes I sit by her bed and read a magazine or book by her night light until she falls asleep. Other times, she wants me to rub her back, which I do. It takes approximately 10 - 15 minutes for her to fall asleep and I love watching her. Just to build on what Bobbi said, no phase lasts forever even though when you're in the middle of it, it seems like it will never end. When my daughter was first born, she would only sleep ON someone. Now, she prefers stretching out in her bed...that phase passed. She used to get up almost every night and want to sleep in the recliner with either me or my hubby. That phase passed. Instead of worrying about what everyone "tells" you is right, do what is best for YOU and your family. No 2 kids are alike so what works for one might not work for another. See what works for you....if sitting with her for 20 - 30 minutes isn't hurting anything then go ahead and do it.

I also remind myself and my hubby that they are only little once. Remember when you were 13 and thought your parents didn't know anything and NO WAY did you want them to hug or kiss you in public? Well, one day our kids will be 13 and doing the same thing!

Snuggle if you want and love it. As for co-sleeping, I see no problem with it if it works for you. Our daughter never wanted to sleep in our bed (yet) so we haven't had to deal with that. A friend of mine who is a doctor told me that in parts of the world, kids sleep with their parents until they are 10 and they turn out fine. Follow your instincts and don't feel guilty if it goes against what Dr. Phil or Dr. Spock (or any other MAN who hasn't ever given birth)says. If it works, do it!

A great book is "The No Cry Sleep Solution". It helped me a lot!
Best of luck!

I saw this approach on TV and I know a couple of people who have used it and it worked. What you do is sit by her bed with your head down, don't look or talk to her. If she tries to get out of bed, put her back without looking or talking to her and sit back down. Basically this lets her know that you are there, but that you aren't going to give her any extra attention. Each night move closer and closer to the door, eventually you will be outside the door...after you reach that point, you just leave as you normally would. I hope that makes sense...Good Luck!!

My son did the same thing...I let him cry it out one night for an hour and ended up siting outside his door til he went to sleep. The next night I decided to just sit outside the door to start with. The time each night got shorter, adventually I was walking away and checking on him every few minutes and then about two weeks later I was just walking away. It was so hard to do and a heart breaker, but bedtime went from being the part I hated about the day most to really easy and such. We have a night light also to help. Good luck.

HEllo R.. I really feel your pain dear. I too work and just recently went back to work full time. I too, feel guilty about working full-time and my kids ages 2 and 5 miss me more since I was a SAHM for 5 years.

This is what I do. I have bathtime for both of them around 6pm. Then I let them pick a book to for us to read together. Then after the book, I spend one on one time with them. Usually I put the youngest to sleep first and I do this in my room. I will talk to my little one and sing to her. Then for my second one, she is a little more complicated. I hold her and rock her. She will tell me about her day, and how much she misses daddy. But I soothe her and I run my fingers through her hair. Before I know it she is asleep. I always put them in their room after they are asleep. I know that some moms frown upon this, but when you are the only parent, and you feel guilty about working so many hours, what can you do? I spend time with my kids and the night time routine is our time.

Letting my children cry it out, does not work at all. Besides that, I could not handle it. I have a close bond with my kids, and besides that, there are new changes in our lives that we all are dealing with. Spending time with your kids and rocking them does not spoil them. It gives them the security that they need and my kids sleep through the night.

good luck,

M. F.

Try letting her stay up until 9pm I have learned that with my son he is 3. He take a bath at 8 and we watch one cartoon that will relax him and then at 9 we read a book and he good to bed it works for me may-be it will work for you. Let me know Thanks D.

Hi R.,
I agree with the other mothers when they say that she is just trying to learn her boundaries. My son did the same thing when he was about 2 1/2. We also tried to let him "cry it out" but then he just got out of bed and came screaming down the hall. After the third or fourth night we put a gate up at his door. It really was heart breaking, but after two nights of him falling asleep at the gate, he was fine. He still will play little games sometimes (he's 4 now)..."Tell Daddy to come back and check on me" then when his dad goes back he will say,"Tell Mommy to come back" and so on. We tell him "no, this is the last time" and he will be okay. But that doesn't happen too often. You do have to do what feels right for you, but also don't feel guilty about making her go to bed and sleep. Healthy children are those who get their sleep!
~L.

We made "sleep rules" together. Take a piece of construction paper and write your rules together along with drawing pictures, or cutting and glueing pictures from magazines. Add stickers or whatever your daughter likes. Our rules were very simple like 1) read 3 books 2) 3 kisses 3) lay down and close eyes 4) sleep until 7:00. The rules are right there in the bedroom to remind our child of the rules. This was multi purpose for us in that it also encouraged our child to rest quietly or read books in bed until 7:00. We have early risers!! Along with this you can do a sticker chart or small "prizes" for sleeping through the night on her own. These ideas came from the book titled "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". Hope this works for you, too! Good luck!