"Toddler Afraid to Tell Me If He's Hurt"

i can relate to that.
this will be lost in translation, but when we would fall down as kids, my mom would say: direct translation into english 'i hope it hurts.' which meant, she gave us the warning to be careful, we didn't listen, so if we fell down and it hurt us then we would remember to be careful next time as her warnings were not enough.
i get scared when my kids fall and i squeal, i don't know how else to explain it, but it's a unintentional yell. as in my heart stops OH MY GOD. but my kids didn't like it. they thought i was being mad. i didn't understand why they didn't like my 'squeal.' so i know it's a cultural difference, and i am trying my best not to vocalize my fear. and i say i am sorry if i have vocalized it. and then i explain that it hurts me more than it hurts them hence my 'squeal'
of course now my 5 year olds say oh don't worry mommy is not english (hahahah). but working on it.
start by saying i am sorry after the yell. also explain that you just hurt because he got hurt. that is why you yelled.

Wow - I can relate! I did similar "damage" when my daughter was potty training and she would have an accident.

I'll adapt what I did that worked really well to your situation. The moment that you are aware that he is hurt, get down to his level - knees, sit, whatever - open your arms to him and say, "Wow, that must have hurt, can I give you a hug and help make it all better?" It's not likely he will refuse such an offer and he will be immediately relieved of the worry that he isn't in trouble. Once he is in your arms and you are holding him, give him a few moments to bask in your comforting hug.

Then gently ask, "Can I help make your boo-boo all better?", then look at it and apply medicine, band-aids, etc. if necessary and don't forget the magical mommy kiss that makes most everything all better.

After the first opportunity, you will need to weigh each accident to decide what level of comfort you want to offer, because you don't want him to need excessive comforting for every little thing, either.

As hard as it is, I started early on saying things like "whoopsie daisy" when my daughter would fall. Now, she regularly bumps herself on things (she is a klutz like her mom) and I will joke about it and sometimes she makes the joke before I do. So getting a bruise isn't a big deal for her.

And for the record, it still is for me. Just this week, I was trying to get her to hurry and she had left something. She was only down two steps when she realized it and turned around, promptly banging her shins on the top of our hard wooden steps. I asked if she was OK, and she said yes and kept going, but she has ugly bruises and I feel guilty. But I am glad that she takes it in stride.

HTH

C.

Aww, I'm so sorry. That is awful. Don't feel bad though, my mom and dad did the same thing and I am trying really hard not to do it. (Actually I'm having to try not to be a yeller in general.) They always told us the same, they yell because they got scared and it was just a reaction.

I think depending on how old your son is, just being honest and telling him that you are sorry and didn't mean it every single time you do it is going to help. Just keep telling him you are sorry and you are trying hard to behave right just like he has to try hard to behave, and you want him to be sure to tell you. Even if he is little, he will probably get it pretty soon. I always apologize to my son if I yell. As for not doing it to begin with, I am not sure. I have a hard time too. I'll be checking back to see what suggestions you get. But I just wanted to say you are not alone! Good luck!

I like the previous posting (the first one), but I something thing to add, since your child is very young.
Try looking for books about "boo-boos" and reading them with him, also books about doctors (so he won't be fearful of medical care), and show him when you hurt yourself and ask him to help you put a band-aid on, etc.

When he falls down do not scream. I know you are scared but in turn you are passing that along to him. He thinks that it is bad if he hurts himself and can not come to you for comfort. When he falls down stay calm and say are you alright? I would then pick him up and comfort him. If you do not make a big deal out of it then he will not either. Not that it is not a big deal but he will not be so upset when he gets hurt. If you approach it that way then the sooner he will forget and will go about doing what ever he was doing. Good luck

Perhaps the next time that you're hurt (stubbed toe, bruise, or even something make-believe), you can go to him and say, "Ouch! Mommy just hurt herself! I could really use a hug to make me feel better!" Hopefully, he will get the message and start coming to mommy for hugs when he has a boo-boo.
Also, what you write about isn't so weird. My parents had high expectations for everything that I did to the extent that I became quite a perfectionist when I was little. I would actually punish myself if I fell or did something wrong! And my daughter is almost the opposite of what you describe. My husband used to really freak out when she fell as she was learning to walk and would make a really big deal over it. Now, at almost 18 months, if she can't get something that she wants, she will bump her head against a cushion or a pillow and then cry, holding her "boo-boo"! I had to re-teach my husband not to go rushing in every time she cries!

You've identified WHY you do it. That's the first step. you can discipline yourself not to do this. I am constantly alarming myself with urges to say things similar to what my mom would say and CONSTANTLY Making sure I DON'T! It is HARD, but i can honestly say, through much toil and effort, I do not pass on the philosophies and behaviors from my parents that i do not agree with, even if the urge automatically pops up. I even have a sort of "count to ten and think before you respond" thing going on just to make sure I am not automatically acting out of ingrained things pressed upon me.

It's not too late at all and bless you for wanting to fix this. Your son is not damaged-even if you are. You need to
A) Forgive your mom, and understand she didn't mean to do it. Stop reminding yourself what she used to do. Let it go.
B) Have a talk with your son, sincerely apologize for your actions and tell him how you really feel when he hurts himself and you want to know. I recently apologized to my 4 year old for spending all day on the computer with my husband (out of town) and an IRS emergency. It meant so much to her even at 4, she was more cheerful the whole night.
C) Start acting the way you want to. He will forget you ever used to act mad when you have consistently acted sympathetic for a while.

I don't advocate letting kids boss around parents or talk back to their parents, but in an area like this where you know you need discipline and want to act differently toward him, I may encourage him to remind you when you snap at him for an accident, and then comply when he does if in fact you have acted angrily. Use it for a trigger. Eventually you can congratulate yourself if he accuses you of scaring him when you HAVEN'T reacted inappropriately (which he may graduate to!) and then you guys can make a game of it and move on.
It's very hard for everyone-I know when my kids are tired and acting rowdy and I hear a big BANG and hear the cries of agony it's so easy to feel mad in that instant-but you have to control it. Always take a few breaths before reacting. Sometimes when I know it's not a bad boo boo and they were being sort of over the top and I don't have it in me to be super sympathetic-I don't react at all. It's hard, but you can do it! Good luck!

Oh wow, you're ME a year ago. I tell ya, it's so hard not to freak out when your children may be hurt, and even harder to freak out and hide it. That's the trick though, hide it. My son is five and I found about a year ago that every time something small happened he had a breakdown. I was mortified, I thought "what have I done to my son?". Finally, MY mother (who had instilled that trait in me as well) and I sat down to figure it out. It turns out, there's never a safeguard against your heart doing acrobatics when you think your child may have been hurt. The way I did it was I FORCED myself to hide it. With A LOT of work and practice, when he falls now, I force a smile, go to him and hug and kiss him and say "WOW! What a big fall that was! Lucky you're such a big boy huh? Want me to kiss it? I bet if mommy kisses it you won't even feel it!" And thank God, it works. If he falls while we're skating, I smile and shake my butt and go "shake it off baby, shake it off, try again!" and to my amazement, even though he might really be a little hurt, he does it. NOW when he really is hurt and there's blood or a lump, the only thing is to hold them and rock while doing the "shhh baby it's okay" routine. Once they're starting to calm down, look them in the eyes and say "you're so brave, you only cried for a minute! what a good baby you are". It's a bunch of steps for a scrape or a fall, but what a world of difference it's made in my family! Hope this helps!

Its funny-my father always did the same thing with us. He would get angry when we got hurt and that always scared me so much. Only when I became a parent could I understand why this is.

My kids don't like to tell me they're hurt either. I think it is because I overreact (thats what my husband says at least). I have made an effort to stay as calm and matter-of-fact as possible and it seems to be working. It will work for you too. It is definitely important to work on this so I am glad you are. I say this because my kids are 8 and 5 now and I have noticed that they are also hesitant to tell me about any "situations" that occur with other kids because of their fear of how I will react. I want them to always feel that they can come to me so I am working extra hard now at not over-reacting.

How old is your son?

Yes, you can correct that.
You need to say "sorry" and apologize... tell him you make mistakes too and are trying your best to not yell. Kids, often need to hear, that their Mom can apologize too... that it is NOT their fault. Kids make mistakes and have accidents and get hurt. Its normal and okay... but you care about him and love him... and are trying to be nicer... that he should not be "scared" of you or to tell you if he is hurt.

It will take practice, but tell him that. He needs to hear that. Any child does. When I make a mistake with my kids, I apologize. I tell them Mommy is sorry....

When you feel you are about to yell..you need to stop yourself, count to 10, then consciously change your tone of voice... and comfort him, instead

I agree with Donna that a BIG part is recognizing that how you've treated things may not have been the best approach.

The best thing our Pediatrician told us at one of our well-baby visits with our son, when we were explaining why a 15 month-old had so many bruises on his legs, was that he's more worried about the kids that don't have bruises than those that do. The reason? They're parents aren't letting them be kids.

As far as reversing the damage - it's tough because he's afraid, and you may not know. But, if you see something happen, I'd be deliberate in a few ways:
1. Make it a point to go ask if he's OK, if he needs any help and to check out what happened.
2. If it's a minor bump/scrape, encourage him to continue what he's doing and to have a good time.

He's old enough to understand that Mommy can make mistakes, nad perhaps if you sit down lovingly with him and explain that he hasn't done anything wrong and your job is to make sure he's OK, he'll feel better about coming to you. Maybe you could even let him pick-out some fun Band-Aids at the store so he's more likely to want to tell you if it's something that needs attention.

Hi, Renee:

Half the battle is won. You realize that you made a mistake, and you can change.

It will take time but you can patiently wait. Whenever your son hurts himself, and you notice it, kiss it and doctor it and say that you are sad that he hurt himself.

Let it go. In time, he will begin to trust you.

Love him all the time, there is no need to be angry with your child or behave like your mother did.
You are a very caring, loving mother.
Good luck.
D.