I'm More like the Dad

I do find that I'm harder on my girls and easier on my son.
I also notice my husband being tougher with our son and more lenient with the girls. We've actually had conversations about this. WE think it's because we feel more personal ownership over the task of raising the child of our same sex, in other words, I don't want wimpy, whiny daughters and he doesn't want a soft, weak son.
So it may not be a step thing, it may just be a gender thing.

Well, I do both simply because my example did both ... my mom was a single mom ... it just is how it is for me eventhough my son's father and I are together ... we just have our things and I am a more dominant personality in general.

With all of my "couple" friends, there are plenty where the gal is more like the dad.
My theory is that they are just more male-ish (no offense here) than their counterparts.
Whereas their spouses (the males) in these cases are more apt to run to the child if he/she gets hurt, is more cautious, thinks ahead for dangerous scenarious etc.
So my theiory is that a male or female individual can exhibit more opposite sex tendencies.
In my friend's relationship, her hubby is more of the run to check on the child if she cries at all while she can see that the little girl is fine. She is more like my hubby and I am more like her hubby.
I think the combo is fine especially when you have one of each: a sensitive side and one that can be a little tougher = good balance.

I raised my niece from birth to age 5 and whenever she fell down, I would always tell her "uh oh! Brush it off!" with a big smile on it. I think that it is great that you encourage your stepdaughter to keep on going even if she falls down or makes a mistake! Sometimes, making a big commotion about a tumble makes it sooooo much worse. When my niece was 2, she slipped and hit her lip on a the coffee table. I did what I always did but my dad happened to be in the room and jumped up and made a big scene. She was fine until that, and all the noise scared her into crying for the pain!

I am assuming that your husband is the more nurturing one because she is his "baby." She became the apple of his eye the moment he found out about her existence.

It is GREAT that you play with your stepdaughter, even if it is building things! So many parents don't even play with their own children. You are doing an amazing job as a stepmother. Don't stress!

I see myself that way too sometimes. I'm not sure if i would say I was like the dad. But I was raised to not be, for lack of a better word, a wuss.
If i fell as a kid, "walk it off" was what I heard. If I got into a fight, i heard "did you win?" I didn't wear helmets on my bike, I got spanked, etc
My dad was, and still is, a huge self defense person. Lots of experience and he taught me, and his 4 other kids how to defend ourselves. So out of 5 kids, I'm #4. there are 4 girls and one boy. All the girls in my family are tough chicks.
My mom, was the nurture type, but she wasn't too soft. She enforced rules just as my dad did. Although my dad took the spanking out of hand. That is a whole other issue :)

So with my kids, I do nurture and kiss boo-boos. But I'm also tough and let them learn from things that happen. We fall so we can learn how to get back up. If my son is having trouble figuring something out, I help him, but I don't show him the way. I give hints and let him learn.
Maybe I'm weird, lol
My husband is the same way, except with our daughter..oh my she is almost one and already has him wrapped lol

I've always worn both hats.

For the first 3.5 years of my son's life his dad spent 1 day a week with him. (He'd leave at 5am, come home at 10pm and go to bed the other 6 days a week... so even though he was here, he wasn't here when our son was awake, and he never did night/stuff)

For the next 4 years, he'd spend maybe an hour with him every couple of weeks. (He'd get up at 10am-noon, leave, come home between 2am and 4am IF he came home)

For the past year he's been making a HUGE effort to be a part of our son's life. He's home at least 4 hours on the weekend, and comes home about an hour before bedtime. ((My husband decided he wanted another baby last year becuase he missed out on our son. Nope. Sorry. Not gonna happen. Spend that time with the son you DO have, don't try to replace him with a "do over". Don't get me wrong, I love kids and would have 10 in a heartbeat with the right man. My husband is NOT the right man.))

Yup. Just been me and kiddo for the majority of the time the past 9 years (well, other adults, friends, teachers -we homeschool, but kiddo has lots of outside classes-, etc. as well. But just me'n'kiddo).

Kiddo helps me cook, tear down drywall, build fences. We read, go on outings, snowboard, play basketball. I'm an active / rough and tumble person. I'm the snuggler. I'm the one who kissed his trains good night. I'm the disciplinarian. I'm the one that has to deal with puberty (sigh). I'm the one his friends come to. I'm the one who reads the manual on how to build the bike, slingshot, 50 piece "some assembly required" toy and builds them. I'm the one who designs the treehouse, heads over to the skate park (I can't skate), washes the cars, wrestles, makes brunch.

But even during the weeks we spend with other men (uncles, etc., on vacation) while they take over the moer "Dad" type duties... I'm still ME. The things I *enjoy* doing are more "masculine", by and large. Still a girl.

I think part of it may be your role. If he's already doing stereotypical "mom" things then you have a different hat to wear in your home. I'm also quite likely to tell my daughter to "shake it off" if it's a minor thing, so it's not just stepparenting. I do find myself in a different role overall between mother and stepmother and while there's overlap between what I do for all the kids, it's just a different function at the end of the day.

By the way, kudos to your DH for being a good father. Too many men think they can't and that's not true. My DH was a single dad (to a boy and a girl) for years before I met him and I was impressed with how he handled his kids.

You'll find your place and as she grows and changes, so will the relationship. Don't limit yourself to only doing certain things, but also don't knock the things you do do with her. Those are important, too. My mom was never big on games, but I could always count on her in the audience when I was a kid. That stuff matters.

Im a daddy in a mommy's body :)

Both my husband and my ex hubby are softies. They are more of the cuddlers and are more likely to exagerate boo-boo's. They both let the kids walk all over them and not tell them when to stop. I do 95% of the disapline. They would even do the "wait til your mom gets home" so they didn't have to feel like the bad guys lol. But I do cuddle with them, very close to each of them with daddy gone all day they like having that special time with him at night since Im here all day. I also do more of the "boy" play... trucks, cars, distruction. One cause until 3 yrs ago we had 4 boys in the house but also because even though I grew up with dolls/ barbies and girl toys I grew up with two brothers. If I wanted to play with someone it was their way. I truely admit Im more of a tomboy that a girly girl.

But interesting enough Im not even sure how it came up with my older 3 but they all said that they are closer to me than dad if they thought about it. The other two are still little. It made me feel good that even though Im playing more of a "dad" role that they are closer to thier mom! :)

I don't think there is anything wrong with what your doing/ feeling. Everything works out and there isn't neccassarly a mom/ dad role on how you should act. You do what is right for your family and all of her needs are being met by both of you... that's how it should be!

I have to say that we're the same here - and we have a traditional family!
Of course DH & I come from entirely different backgrounds. He was raised as the baby (of 4) by his SAHM. I was raised by my single parent (mom) and grandparents (both very 'old world') as an only child.
I am the disciplinarian - I have higher expectations and am willing to enforce them. I *hate* the drama that comes with minor bumps and bruises and will also say to walk it off (although I TRY to be really sensitive about it). Don't get me wrong, I love my boy, but I can totally see where you're coming from!
Dh does the reading/teeth/snuggling thing at our house too. Plus the cuddle after the bumps and bruises.
I think it's all good. After all, as long as they get both discipline *and* cuddles, who cares who they get it from? :D

I think that as long as you are doing things together that you both enjoy then it doesn't really matter what gender stereotype it falls under. I have two boys and I'm certain that if I have a girl in the future she will be treated more like her brothers. I was a major tomboy as a kid and still enjoy going out and getting muddy - camping, fishing, hunting, etc. But I also like to wear makeup and get my hair done. I think in this day and age it is ridiculous to try and fit into someone else's mold of what is appropriate when it come to being a parent - you have to do what works best for you and your family.

I love the "brush it off" attitude to minor scraps - use it all the time - and when my next door neighbor's girls ( 4 and 7) come over to play and start acting all drama queen about a small bump I very dramatically rush in and ask if we need to go to hospital and have it amputated - whatever part may be "injured" - last time the 4 year old fell on her bottom so I asked if she needed a "bootie amputation" - oh my goodness, I've never heard our kids laugh so hard. My point is that if you don't make a big deal out of minor things, kids will learn to cope with them on their own. For relatively serious boo-boos - ones involving blood or a very obvious mark that will bruise I do say "ouch, that looked like it really hurt - would you like a snuggle and a band aid or boo boo buddy?" Of course the baby (1.5) gets snuggles more than my oldest who is 4.

Anyway, I think it is great that you are concerned enough about your relationship with your SD to take the time to post about it - my stepmom ended up adopting me so she is now my legal mom - and I treasure all the ways she was and has been a mom to me.

I've always been the dad. ;~))

My wife has always been the mom. Playing with the kids, dolls, etc.

I taught them how ro ride a bike or climb a tree or catch the baseball or shoot a gun. Of course I'm also the one that taught them to look for bargains and shop for groceries, but that is only because my wife didn't possess that skill set and didn't want to learn.

Good question. Good luck to you and yours.

Its not about you "being the Dad", it's about being the parent WITH your husband. He has accepted the role as the primary nurturer - and in this case it makes sense that her Dad would fill that role because he had to for a time and it would be more upsetting in her world to try to switch that role now. She needs a stable nurturing influence around. Good for Dad in filling that role. She also needs a parent who loves her but helps her deal with the hard things in a realistic way. (Walk it off, build things, solve problems) And good for you in stepping up and filling that role. Children need two parents who work together to provide a stable loving environment. As parents work together, we fill in the areas where our partner is lacking. That doesn't mean that single parents can't be successful, but it is easier to be the best, complete parent when you have 2 people to do it. Keep working with your husband to be the best parents for your SD.