I am a future step-mom, and I have not been in this situation for very long (only a little over a year now). It was difficult at first, but I attribute most of my difficulties with my own mental approach than with anything the kids have done. My BF has a 4 year-old son and an 8 year-old daughter from his previous marriage. There is also about a 9 year age gap between BF and myself. I think that because I was so young and so unfamiliar with kids (I was not the babysitting type) it really unnerved me and I was constantly afraid of overstepping some invisible, unspoken boundary. Gradually, I became more familiar with them and much more comfortable with the idea of being their step-mom.
Do I like being a step parent? Most of the time. Sometimes it can be a little overwhelming, but I don't have any kids of my own, so that might be why. It's all new territory for me. I have to say, though, looking back on the last year, my relationship with the kids has grown by leaps and bounds. It's amazing how the smallest things can feel so rewarding (i.e. the boy wants to hold my hand when crossing the street). I sometimes feel hurt when people in the store tell me what a nice family I have, because I want to accept the compliment, but I don't feel that I have any right to claim them as such (yet?); I don't like that feeling.
Do I ever wish I could have my boyfriends without the kids? Well we don't have full custody of the kids, so I see him plenty without the kids around. However, I don't think I would be with my boyfriend if it weren't for the kids. I didn't know him before last year, but from what I hear he was not exactly a nice guy before his kids were born. Once he was a father though, he straightened out a lot and I think his perspective on things changed--for the better. I don't think that he would be the man he is today without his kids. Furthermore, I've come to care a lot about the kids. I miss them when they're not around, and I wish I could call them and find out how their day at school went. I know that I wouldn't have ever entered their lives if it wasn't for my relationship with their father, but we are where we are and at this point I would be heartbroken if they were no longer in my life.
How did our relationship start and how is it now? Our relationship began at a good, moderate pace. He was still very disillusioned with the idea of marriage after his divorce, but I am young enough that marriage isn't exactly at the forefront of my mind. We were very open with one another from the start, and we still are. I met the kids for the first time after about two months of dating. The first meeting did not go well at all. It was very tense and uncomfortable. As I've said, a lot of that was due to my perspective and it got better. My relationship with my boyfriend has only grown stronger. Whenever something with the kids makes me uncomfortable or upset, I tell him and we work out how to better handle it next time. I don't let myself sit and stew in my own paranoia anymore, because he has shown me that he responds to my concerns with real action.
Is it harder/easier than expected? I have no idea what I expected. I just decided to try it, why not? It's not easy, especially if you don't have anyone else in a similar situation to talk to. I didn't expect the women in my family to be so casual about dismissing my concerns or any "differences" between step-children and biological children. It's not so bad though. I think things could be a lot harder. The mother of the kids does not try to cause problems for my boyfriend or me, and she seems to be a pretty good mother. My boyfriend is also a very good father, and because the kids respect him they listen to him. Because he respects me, they respect me. So it's hard, but it could definitely be harder.
Would I do it all over again if I could? Well I don't have years and years invested in this, so I'm not sure what I would "do all over again," but I am certainly glad that I gave it a shot. I love my boyfriend and his kids, and I don't plan on going anywhere for the next oh, let's say 50 years.
How do I handle difficult times with the "other parent"? Well, like I said, I haven't come across much from her yet. For the most part, I let my boyfriend deal with her. I'm sure that there will come a time though that I will have to deal with her, and it might not go as smoothly as things have gone so far. I don't know yet how I will handle that. I fear it, I'll tell you that.
I don't have years of experience, but I do have my perspective. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me at ____@____.com.