I have not been in close contact with my mother's side of the family in another state for roughly 10 years. They basically told me, (after my grandmother died), that I was no longer a member of the family. My mom passed from cancer about 7yrs prior to that. I tried to make things work, because I had great childhood memories and I wanted that for my kids. I finally realized that we are just different people, and decided that if that is how they were going to treat me, then why would I want my kids to have those kind of memories? A few cousins and I are friends on Facebook but rarely comment or have any contact their either. Recently, my cousin Facebook messaged me about coming to a surprise anniversary party for my Aunt & Uncle. I have no desire to go, nor will I be going. My question is .... do I tell them the truth or make up an excuse about why its not possible for me to come?
Thanks so much to those of you who responded without criticism. The "family" issue is a long story. Sharing the history would have made this post too long and would have lost the point of posting. I just needed an unrelated, unconnected perspective to tell me what I was already thinking. There was nothing baffling in my post, just an honest question asking if I should politely decline or give the real reason why I would not be attending. That is all. Again Thank you to those who confirmed that I was just overthinking things.
My response would be "thank you for the invitation, we are unable to attend have a great time"! Leave it alone after that. No reason to give more detail than that.
Why would you want to bring up the past?
You owe no explanations.. just say thank you but you are unable to make it .
Keep things simple.
The cousin is asking if you want to attend a party, not work on the relationship.
If it was the later, she would ask if you want to get together and talk.
So a polite decline as the others mention would be best.
welcome to mamapedia!
Why tell them anything? If you tell them the "TRUTH"? It will just start another family drama. Instead of starting drama? Just state you are unable to make it - thank you for the invite.
Airing old and dirty laundry is NOT necessary at this point.
Keep your relationship with this person intact and don't bring up the past.
Just decline the invite.
No explanations/excuses/truth are required or needed.
A simple 'Thanks for asking me but no thanks' is fine.
"Thanks for the invite but we won't be able to make it, have fun!"
Easy.
No reasons or excuses are necessary.
I have some pretty negative family stuff, so I understand your reluctance to be a part of this. But I agree with Elayne below - you were invited to a party, so you accept or decline for that only with a "sorry/can't make it/have fun" sort of answer - as you would with anyone else.
I think that's particularly crucial because this is a surprise party - there would be nothing worse for a couple being honored than having a totally unforeseen guest (you) where there's some bad blood. This is not the time to appear on the scene.
I agree with B.
I just would decline politely. The thing is, if it weren't for Facebook, would you even be in contact with them? Probably not.
My MIL wanted us to be close to my husband's cousins, and our kids close to their kids. It felt forced and awkward. When his grandmother died, he said 'no more' - not because he doesn't like them - but we'd rather hang with the people we connect with. That's ok.
I would not make it personal - I think if you give them an explanation, that they are not asking for, you'll be making it personal. Why go there. Just let it be :)
If it were me "Thanks for the invite but we won't be able to make it. Hope everyone has a good time!"
similar situation myself. except all the cousins moved away after being toxic to my family when we were all growing up. now the snottiest one is throwing an anniversary party. an adults only event. i am not going. even though i live the closest, i have declined to attend. didn't give a reason nor an excuse just simply said i cannot make it.
so in your situation? i would decline the event with a sorry i cannot make it and leave it at that.
I think that you are overthinking this one. Just say thanks so much for the invite, but we won't be able to make it.
i'm baffled by this.
apparently people lie way, way more than i can ever or would ever be comfortable with.
'telling the truth' doesn't mean blatting every single negative emotion you feel about them. it does mean that what you do choose to say to them is actually honest.
'thanks for the invitation. i won't make it, but hope y'all have a great time.'
boom.
there is just never a need to lie.
if you think lying is fine, i hope you remember that when your kids do what you've modeled for them.
khairete
S.
Tell them "the truth"...? What is "the truth"? That: "I finally realized that we are just different people, and decided that if that is how they were going to treat me, then why would I want my kids to have those kind of memories"?
Well, that sounds like a lot to squeeze onto the RSVP card!!
Just politely decline, "I won't be there, have fun".
Feel free to reach out separately, at a different time, with a longer note to your cousin, if you want to make contact in that way.
Why do you need to tell them anything? Just rsvp no, sorry I can't make it.
Aw, I think it's nice of your cousin to invite you. Really, it's kind, and she must be trying bridge the gap for you to be part of the family again. For that, I would be touched. And at some point soon, try to connect with her on a personal level, maybe just a lunch get together just the two of you or something much less than a big party.
Why not just tell her because you've been estranged, coming to a surprise party would be far too overwhelming of a time for a "coming back" for you. And I would not want to have a desire to distract from the guests of honor. Thank her sincerely for the invite, even though you will decline. You don't have to share anymore negative feelings with someone who was kind enough to invite you. I am assuming it wasn't this person who told you years ago that you were no longer part of the family. Whoever that was, don't assume they spoke for everyone
"I'm not going to be able to make it. Hope you have a great time!"
No need to get in to it. No need to tell them why you aren't going. No need to open up old wounds.
I don't get this. What "truth" do you want to tell them? What would come of you holding on to a grudge or whatever it was from 10 years ago. You don't state "WHO" told you you were no longer part of the family. And to be honest? I don't care. It doesn't matter.
What matters is your relationship with this cousin. She obviously doesn't know about any bad blood. So why involve her? Why not state the truth? You aren't able to attend. Thank you so much for the invite.
Leave it at that. You don't need to bring up anything. Simply state: Thank you for the invite. I will not be able to attend.
nothing more.
nothing less.
This cousin does NOT need to know any back history. Obviously, you're the only one who remembers it (it must have been said during grieving). Let it go. Stop allowing the past to interfere with the here and now.
If you want to burn bridges then go ahead and tell them the truth. If you want to remain connected on an acquaintance level then make excuses.
You haven't told us WHY they disowned you. Why did they tell you you're not part of the family? And how much of the dispute are you willing to own? Sounds like none of it, since you're only stating that they insulted you and ostracized you. What "Truth" are you considering telling? No one can answer your question with so little information.
I agree with those who said why do you even need a story? The answer is either - yes, I can attend - or - no, thanks, I can't. If you can't, you aren't obligated to give a reason. Sounds like you're looking to vent and make sure someone else knows how sad and offended you are and will take your side. Don't stir up drama. If you need to address and issue, then address the issue. But don't be a drama queen in rejecting an invite from a well-meaning relative.
I just wouldn't go. No need to be where you are not wanted.
