To Say Somthing or Not to Say Something...

Why does everyone else get the fun crazy backstabbing inlaws and I get stuck with perfectly decent humans for my kids' grandparents? I could have so much fun making fun of them at parties.

Gossipy neighbors caused this. Ignore it. You and husband know you have a healthy, prospering marriage.

This is going to sound harsh - and I'm sorry.

I see two options.

1) Be the bigger person and realize you can't control the words coming out of her mouth. You can't fix stupid.

2) You're a MOM. You're a strong, independent woman. Dig down and find your courage. Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is action in the face of fear. You have a fear of confrontation. Time to get over that.

So what if you cry? It's a human thing. But if husband won't confront her, then you can - AND take the high road.

"MIL, we love having you here and the girls love seeing you. But next time you feel like you see something in our family that you need to get off your chest, please come talk to us. We're all grown ups and we'd be happy to discuss our choices. But if you decide to talk to the neighbors about it (or facebook, or bridge club, or at the bar), then it's just gossip and our family rule is that we don't acknowledge gossip. We try to take the high road. More mashed potatoes? (change subject)"

I've come into the thread after your SWH, so I have the benefit of seeing that the neighbors she was talking trash to were your best friends. I also see that your MIL is keeping herself away from your family.

I don't believe that any confrontation is going to change her. I don't believe what she did or said is shocking considering you know exactly where you stand with her. Your husband isn't outwardly showing signs of being upset, probably because he's had years of practice having to deal with things like this and it's just more of the same. When everything is a big effing drama regarding his mother, it's just one more big effing drama, right?

;-)

So here's how I see it. Your friends are YOUR friends, not hers. Your MIL spouting off isn't going to change their opinion of you. If she does it again to anyone else, you can just calmly reply with, "She really said that? Is she at it again?" and then change the subject. The weight you put on her comments will only give her words power over you. Take away that power.

You have a couple of choices now. Keep your contact minimal and courteous, as you would be to someone you just met at a mutual friend's party but haven't hit it off with yet. Or you could put her in in-law time out and cut off contact with her completely and get the toxicity out of your life and make it official. But you can't really do either without the support of your husband.

You know, I think that in a way, you should be glad that your MIL spouted off to a complete stranger at your daughter's b-day party. Now everyone in your circle of friends will believe you when you tell them how crazy your MIL is.

If someone's MIL randomly started saying horrible things about them to me, a complete stranger, I would think, "This woman is an idiot. I'm going to walk away and go get some food. And I'll avoid this woman like the plague." You can bet that this is how the rest of the world views this woman. Yes, she lies, but it doesn't mean that anyone will believe her.

There's the saying: Never argue with an idiot. You'll look like a fool. I think your MIL falls into this category. It's okay if you're non- confrontational. You don't need to confront her on this. Your husband should say something to her, but just realize that it won't C. her attitude or her behavior.

So sorry that you have such an unpleasant person in your life.

Someone told someone something who told someone else who told you what the first someone said?

This is gossip and you are playing right into it.

Your MIL is entiltled to her own opinion. Only you can control how you react to it.

Shrug and move on. Is the point of your life pleasing your MIL? I think not. Enjoy your husband, enjoy your kids, enjoy your own life.

She has no control over you unless you let her.

:(

I would have your husband say something and make it clear that he is happy and how you made that happen and how happy he is in life. After he clears that then if you both believe that she won't trash you to your kids then I would J. let her have unspervised time with the girls and avoid her.
I don't think if she is a good grandma, despite being a bad mil, that you should punnish your kids and take their grandma away.
Think about whats best for the kids and try to put your feelings aside

I have a similar problem with my MIL, but I would let your husband handle it. You handle your parents and he needs to handle his. If you freak out on her, it will only make her happy and she'll get to play the victim more. If she says something directly to you or in front of you, you have every right to tell her that you expect to be respected, especially in your home or in front of your family. But ultimately, your husband needs to tell his mother how things are going to be and if she cannot respect his wife, his family or his choices, then there will be repercussions.

Your Mother-in-law behaves that way because she is allowed to behave that way. If you continue to allow her to run over you, she will continue to do so. I have recently stopped talking to my MIL because EVERY time she speaks to me (for the past 20 years), she pops off with something hateful. She is not welcome in my house, my daughter's life, nor do I spend anytime on her. I am a kind, thoughtful person that has bent over backwards to not make waves with my in laws but this year, I am done. Question is, how long do you want to turn the other cheek.

If I was you.. I wouldn't leave it up to my husband to talk for me. I understand you are a non confrontational person and can't "say" it yourself. But I would send her an email ( if she has Internet) if she doesn't then I would send her a hand written letter and send it to her.

She needs to see you sticking up for yourself and standing on your own two feet not hiding behind your husband. Im not saying your doing that.. but in her eyes you are.

I would simply ignor her. What does it really matter what she says? Your neighbors and friends know you and like you. They will see her for what she is - a very mean-spirited person!

I'm sure they were all very uncomfortable while she was spewing her garbage and for that I feel sorry for your neighbors.

I don't believe in using the kids, however, to get back at her. This is between you and she - the kids have nothing to do with it.

When you go on your trip, literally act like she doesn't exist. Don't respond to anything she says; don't even acknowledge that she has spoken. If she asks you, then tell her. If not, ignor her and go about your business. I'm sure she takes some pleasure in thinking she is bothering you. Quit giving her that pleasure.

I ignored this same problem with my fil for years, and finally told my husband that if he wanted our marriage to last his father would no longer come to visit, that I would not be disrespected in my own home or in front of my children. Once I put my foot down my fil's behavior changed fast, and things are much better now.

First of all you're getting all upset based on what your neighbors said she said? This is second hand information and very immature and gossipy.
You need to be a grown up and TALK to her. Calmly, maybe over the phone if you are afraid of getting emotional. If she admits that she doesn't like you, and that yes, she regrets that her son has married you, then I'm not sure what you can do other than accept that this is how she feels. I would probably not want to be around her either, if this is the case, but don't use your children as pawns in this drama. Your daughters are not just your girls, they are your husband's as well. If you start trying to keep them away from his mother just because the two of you don't like each other you will just add stress to your marriage and make an already sad situation even worse.
Be the bigger person and let it go. She can't "make" you feel bad unless you let her.

I would say something, but that's me. If you don't want to be confrontational, just do what you said here.
- don't answer her calls,
- don't let her just show up to see the girls
- you control what/where/when she has contact with your girls.

Wow, sorry to hear this is the way you MIL acts!
Maybe it would help if you write her a letter about all this. I totally agree that this is unacceptable behavior and she needs to know it. If your hubby doesn't talk to her someone needs to let her know that if this is how she decides to act, she will not be allowed to be in your home.
I really hope for your sake and the girls that she wakes up and realizes what she is doing to the relationship.
Praying for you!

I have my own MIL issues at times and at one point temporarily restricted her time to be alone with our kids because of concerns for their welfare when they were little. However, in this situation I think that restricting her access to your daughters will just make things worse and will give her credibility when she says you are keeping the girls from her. I don't know if you should say anything to her about the other issues, but unless you have concerns for the health and safety of your children you should not restrict her time with them.

I think if it were me in this situation and I was really bothered by what she says then I would let her know. If you can't tell her face to face then write her a note or a letter and tell her how you feel. She sounds like a really sad, jealous and needy person which is sad for everyone involved, but you also have the right to your feelings. I know a lot of others think that you are getting tied up with gossip but it sounds like your neighbors just care about you. Talk with your husband about it and let him know if he doesn't tell her and try to stop all of this talk then you are going to confront her one way or another. I am a mother in law I take a backseat because I am so glad my Son is happy and has a wife that loves him and a grandson that has a great Dad. I would never get in their business but that is just me. I would want my daughter in law to tell me if I am doing something she doesn't like. We get along great so I don't see that happening but if it did I would want her to tell me. Good Luck.

Why are mother inlaws like this...and I know some are really really nice too. What a shame. She is missing out on a lovely family. Well I would let my husband deal with his mother. And until she apologizes and then tells your neighbor she was not telling the truth. I would have nothing to do with her and she would not see my family.

Your husband will most likely have to see her "in action" before he truly stands up to her. My MIL was causing all sorts of problems since my hubby and I got married 2 years ago. She's still in contact with 2 of his exs (even though she hated them both when he was with them). And she's known me and my family for 15 years at least, so we used to get along just fine. Until my husband and I got married... Then she suddenly seemed to think every decision hubby made that she disliked was all my fault. It made us both uncomfortable, but it went on like this until 6 months ago. He saw with his own eyes that his mother was talking about him behind his back and truly wasn't supporting his choices at all. He expressed to her how much this hurt him, and she has chosen not to speak to us since then.

My MIL and FIL hated me when my wife and I got married. My FIL even refused to come to the wedding as did my father. So all the pictures we have from our wedding have to two moms, but the dads are conspicuously absent.

I worked hard to win over my MIL. It took me 15 years to do it. Now I'm her favorite SIL.

Keep trying. When you hear she said bad things about you, tell her what you heard, but not who or where. If she denies it say, that's ok, but your friends and family tell you those things. AND LET IT DROP.

She will wonder if the criticsizms she says will come back to haunt her and eventually she will quit.

Good luck to you and yours.