To Have a Second Child?

If it were ME, I would not even consider having a second, knowing that my husband would very likely not be able to do much in the care-taking department, and that he will have care needs very similar to that of the children

As for the whole only vs sibling thing - a sibling is no guarantee of closeness. I have a sister three years younger than me, and while I love her dearly, growing up, we had nothing in common beyond the gene pool.
My daughter is an only and tells me that she is GLAD she was an only.

Only you can make that decision, but you should base it on worse case scenario and will you be able to handle that. Do not bank on the fact that he may get better, because in truth he may get worse.

Life doesn't change much after the new baby gets to be about a year old. Until then it's sort of loss of sleep and other stuff until then. So I would always suggest that more kids are a wonderful thing and that you'll never regret having more.

If this were me in this situation I would not have another child. I see, all too often, how children do not get their needs met because their parents aren't able to get their own needs met. How much time and attention are you able to spend with your daughter? Do you have time every day to sit quietly with her to read or play with her? Are you able to be relaxed and focused on her needs every day? Do you have time and energy to continue spending one on one time with two children every day? How is your and your husband's mental health? Is your husband able to be positive and up beat in the way he relates to life, you, and your daughter?

I suggest that you need to make a decision based on what is true now without expecting things to be different in the future. It's unlikely that your husband's health will get better. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." If you can see having two children as a positive in your current life then do consider having another one. Be sure to put your children's best interest ahead of your desires.

This is completely up to you and your husband.

He may or may not get better. How about financially caring for the children? College educations, retirement funds, long term care options, etc. What about long term medical care for him if he does not get better? There are a lot of factors that go into the equation.

My experience was that we felt complete with 1 and we have no regrets whatsoever having a one and only. I realize you probably have heard a lot of stigmas out there regarding only children and their families but rest assured, there are many happy families of one and onlies.

We are a very happy team of 3 and have always been. It has been a blessing to be able to be home with daughter as she has grown up, expose her to our family business and have her as a part owner so that she learns personal resposibility as well as how companies work. I have enjoyed being a part of her school by volunteering. She has learned the value of volunteering as well.

Only children are not destined to be spoiled brats and depressed because they have no siblings. Plenty of children with siblings have issues with being spoiled brats and a lot of siblings do not get along.

It is all about parenting and how you parent and model your behavior as to how the children turn out.

I've seen some very irresponsible onlies as well as children with siblings and I have seen some very impressive children who are onlies as well as children with siblings.

I understand it is a tough decision for you and there are pros and cons to both sides. You jsut have to figure out which works best for you.

Best wishes in making the best decision for your family.

My husband and I have arthritis. I don't know what kind your husband has but usually with arthritis it's so much better if you get out of bed and do things. You get more stiff and pain if you don't and if you lie down. I wonder if your husband needs to see a different doctor to help him get control of the arthritis first. It sounds like he lives on medication and in that case I would not want to add a child if it was my decision. However, I would want another child. Does that make sense? I would want one but not under the circumstances you are living under. It will get very old having your husband in bed as you continue to raise you child now even. Of course this is a decision for the two of you to make and doesn't involve anyone else because you will have to live with it either way.
I hope your husband gets help though first.

Hi, Mama:
I guess the real question is: Why do you want another child knowing you have all this responsibility on your shoulders already?

It really isn't about your hardship, it's about the hardship your child will have to endure for the reason you come up with from the above answer to the question.

Good luck.
D.

Honestly, if it were myself in your position, I would choose not to grow the family.

I don't believe that having more children is wise unless a family is financially stable and has all of the resources necessary to raise a child(Time, energy, health, ability, financial stability). Those things can disappear after the fact, but going forward with having more kids without those things only adds pressure and stress to the existing family members.

It's a hard choice, and one I wouldn't want to have to make. We chose to have one child because we knew that's what we could afford. I grew up in poverty and will not knowingly risk taking the chance of having my son do the same. We feel that one well-cared for, happy kid is enough; he's got friends at school and family members that love him and only asks for a sibling when what he's really wanting is a playdate, not a baby in the house.

Just my two cents....

I'm sorry for your situation. That is very tough. I am very practical though so a large part of my decision if I was you would come down to finances and a support network. I have a friend who is a single mom of 3 by choice. Not sure I completely agree with her decision but she is very wealthy and has a large family right near-by to support her figuratively and literally. If something happens to her, her children won't be on their own and poor to boot. So - what if something happens to you? My husband, knock wood, is relatively healthy but I still worry that something will happen to both of us and thank goodness I have a sister who could step in if needed. His family is pretty useless. We would also leave plenty of money but if we didn't, my sister is financially strong enough to absorb the burden of our kids pretty easily if she had to. Do you have family like that? Unfortunatley the stress of this situation probably increases the chances a bit of you getting sick. And financially are you very comfortable on your income? Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure makes situations like yours a bit easier. If you're stretched, a 2nd financially will be harder of course and could it get to the point you need public assistance? THere's a big thread on that now... I don't begrudge assistance to people who had unforseen circumstances but in your case, you kind of know your husband likely wont be able to contribute a lot. Finally, a big family who will help you pick up where your husband can't could make a big difference, Without that, I'm not sure I could take on more if I were you. If you stay with one child, your daughter will be fine. I know plenty of happy, healthy, well adjusted only children. And plenty of bratty, mixed up people who have siblings...

You sound like you know what you want, so I'm not sure what anyone else says will matter. Here's how I read your choices, as you worded them: Have a baby, or regret not having a baby. Sounds like you want to have a baby.

Given your circumstances, I would say do not have a second child. If things turn around but you feel too old to have one of your own, you could explore adopting a second. But I know a lot of single children who do very well. We have two, and I love them both equally, but hardest thing about having two is breaking up fights all the time. They're both wonderful by themselves, but get them together and it's 10 times the work just to keep them getting along. A large part of our family stress comes from those types of problems and I often find myself wondering how much easier life would be with just one -- either of them, but just one.

You will never know whether you've made the right choice, whatever choice you make -- there is no one right answer. Given your circumstances, I'm inclined to say don't do it. But only you can decide.

Arthritis, does not just go away or get "cured."
And it is debilitating.
I have relatives with Arthritis.

Can you alone, handle 2 kids, in all aspects?
Because, due to your Husband's health, you cannot expect him... to do the normal things a Husband/Dad, does, daily.
And his health, is not predictable.

I have 2 kids that are 4 years apart. And for me/us, the age spread is great. My eldest is a girl. My youngest is a boy. And their age difference has worked out very well. Because, by the time I had my 2nd child... my eldest was almost 4. And she was old enough then to be out of diapers, she was going to Preschool and was developmentally at a more able and independent age. So having another baby, at that time, was nice. And my kids are very close and get along.

I had kids late in age. And fortunately, we were able to get pregnant naturally without fertility help etc.
And fortunately, even with my late maternal age with each of my pregnancies... my pregnancies were normal and my kids were born healthy. But I did have the Amniocentesis tests, with both of them.
Because, when being pregnant after age 35... other factors can come into play.

You need to consider everything.

Do you have family in your same town who can help out?
What about costs for Preschool etc. or Daycare?
Can you handle those aspects of a child and their needs and developmental stages and costs?

Yes, being the main caregiver/parent for 2 children will be harder.
Can you do that?
And go through all the baby stages, again?
And the costs of it?

Then, you'd have to speak to your OB/GYN, if you want to get pregnant again and get a check up etc.
Then, the timeline for conceiving is not always as fast, as we would like it to be.
Many things to think of.
And how that will also impact your quality of life and your family and marriage.

Does your Husband have Disability insurance?
How does he, have a "regular" income if he is working and cannot go to work, due to his chronic arthritis pain etc.?
I don't know of any Employer, that would keep on an employee like that, who cannot be at work due to health problems etc.
Then, he probably needs to see other Doctors, and explore if there are better ways of handling his Arthritis and pain management... since his current status is that he is often resting at home and exhausted and cannot do anything, etc.
So, he has to re-evaluate his health treatments too, etc. and take the initiative to see if there are better ways of treating his conditions etc.

And you will need to pay for Daycare or childcare for both your children... being your Husband cannot care for the children and a baby.

I am an only child and have two children. I had a wonderful childhood but I always felt that it would have been enhanced by having a sibling. I felt that way around the holidays but also during mundane times like riding in the car or shopping at the grocery store. Now that I am an adult, I really miss having an adult sibling to share life's ups and downs. I knew before I got married that I wanted two children.

Most of my friends have had or are going to have two children. No one that has had two has regretted it. Everyone that I know who has one is planning for a second. I can think of extreme situations (significantly advanced maternal age, very high needs first child, poor health of the mother, marital strife, etc.) in which one would be preferred, but I don't think that your barriers are that extreme.

Another factor is that every stage of parenting has been easier for us the second time around. We have the supplies and the experience, not to mention much less stress and confusion the second time around. My older child has been a wonderful model for my younger one, and they are at the point now of playing together and entertaining each other.

I think that 3-4 years age difference sounds great. I also don't think that 39 is too old (my mom was 39 when she had me). Perhaps you and your husband can each make a thorough pros and cons list independently, and then compare your answers. I wish you the best in your decision.

I really don't know anyone who regretted the second planned child. The first year or two is the hardest. My son was 4.5 when his brother was born - honestly right now they are easier than just one. They entertain one another and since they are same gender - I bathe them together. Now that baby is sleeping through the night - honestly it isn't much harder than one. Plus, since I know what to expect now and have learned that most things are a phase and how very quickly my baby will be a big boy maybe I savor the baby things just a bit more. You are already the main caregiver for your daughter and husband - I don't think one more will be a big deal. I assume that you already have daycare lined up as you are working - and you've done the baby thing before.

The best gift I ever gave my firstborn was a sibling and they are so unbelievably sweet together. My big boy would now like another baby but I don't think we can afford it and I am 41:(

Everything brings trade-offs – there are benefits to having an only, just as there are benefits for having another child. It sounds like you're pretty aware of what your trade-offs would be.

As a mom who chose to stick with one for many good reasons, I simply want to say it was the best choice for me/us. I never regretted taking that road, and other than wishing for a couple of years for a baby sister, my daughter was happy enough with the arrangement that she has now decided to stop with just one child.

Her son has been aware of how lucky he is to be an "only" since he was around 3. He gets plenty of opportunities for play and socialization, plus full access to whatever time, energy and other resources his parents have to offer. He also sees how friends with siblings play and fight with each other, and at 7, clearly knows that he likes his own family better. But that could be different for other children.

One of the things that convinced me to stop with one was that my "wasband" at the time was very childish and demanding, and I felt very lucky getting a healthy, fantastic, cheerful child on the first try. IF a second child had health or emotional problems, that would have actually detracted considerably from my daughter's quality of life, because I don't know how I would have coped with a difficult child plus a difficult husband. I didn't want to gamble.

I grew up with a sister with emotional problems. As the oldest of three girls, I was the appointed baby-sitter whenever my mom needed one. I was the one responsible for keeping everything under control, and my sisters always resented me for it. By the time I started school, I was not "allowed" by my mom to be angry at my poor little sisters, no matter how badly they treated me or my possessions. Now they still count on me to help them when they need money, but otherwise, they don't seem to care about me or want to offer me support in any way. Never seemed fair then, still doesn't feel like an equal relationship now. And only one of my sisters offers any support for my aging mother – the other 2 are so dysfunctional they are a constant worry to her (and to me).

Whatever you end up choosing, I hope it works wonderfully for you and your family.

I think that you have a unique situation. You don't have an average, "normal" family dynamic. So you have to figure out: Can you handle having a second child, a new baby, and all that entails (night feedings, colic, diapers, etc), on top of everything you already have to do now.

Now think about your dear husband's WORST days. Can you handle a baby and all the other usual stuff on his worst day? Can you bring in a friend or family member to help?

If you think you can handle it, you are Superwoman. What are you putting in your coffee? Share.

Kidding.

But seriously, if you think you can handle it...go for it.

But be prepared with a plan for those really hard days.

♥
C. Lee

My first question is - where is your daughter during the day? Does she go to day care? Or is she home with your husband? If she is home with your husband, what does he do with her on the days he is in a lot of pain?

I ask this because my husband and I are throwing the idea around about having #2 as well. However, he is the one working and I am the one at home. I don't have physical pain that it sounds like your husband has, but I have struggled with some mental health issues (depression/anxiety) in the past and there are some days that I simply can't imagine adding another child, but as my son gets older, it does seem easier.

Like you, I don't really want my son to be an only child. In fact, I really want to avoid that at all costs. If we didn't have another child on our own, I am certain we would adopt or foster. But, like you, I don't want to "throw off" what we have going right now...but I would love to have more children. It is a tough call! I think it is one of those things that you are "never" ready for that you adjust to as it comes. Which will be harder for you to cope with (in the long run)? Adjusting to the hardship as you go? Or the regret/not knowing of having only one child? How is your marriage with the pain/medical issues of your husband? Are you stable enough that if another child is added and it is a tough transition that you will be able to work together to get through that hardship?

I think my initial question to you is something to really consider. If your child(ren) are in day care, can you afford the additional child? And if your child(ren) are home with your husband, can he manage your daughter and a newborn/infant on those days when he is in a lot of pain. Those are the questions that the TWO of you need to discuss openly and honestly and realistically.
Good luck!! :-)

I think you can handle a second. You just do and on days where you are barely hanging on, you reach down deep into your toes and pull out that extra strength. I"ve heard that having kids 4 years apart is good because they can help out with some simple things around the house.
I don't think your husbands health will get any better.

I know I am late in answering this but I just had to reach out and tell you that I fully understand what you are going through. My husband has Lupus and he is exhausted most days. Some days he can barely make it through work. He goes to lay down as soon as he gets home and almost always goes to bed for the night by 8 or 9. We have a 16 yo and a 4 yo. I also work FT and have to do 90% of everything in regards to the kids and managing the household. It's exhausting. I will tell you this though, I often wish that we had gone ahead and had another child (his health was not an issue at the time but I was high risk and he was 42 when the 4 yo was born). I know it would bring that much more to my plate but I also know that it would be wonderful for the little one to have someone to play with and grow up with. As it is now, I always feel incredibly guilty b/c Daddy's in bed, Mama's just trying to get everything done and none of us has a whole lot of time for him. We all try, even the 16 yo, but I know that he doesn't get the play dates, activities, etc. that he should. I just can't fit more into my schedule right now and we don't have any family close by. We do our best and he is surrounded by an abundance of love. Still, I think about what happens if my husband gets sicker...what if I die young like my mother... I would like him to have someone to count on. He does have his brother but with 12 years age difference and different moms, it's tough. Anyhow, just wanted to say I empathize and I guess I'm kind of taking both stands - my plate is so full that I'm barely making it with my kiddos but I still wish we had another.

Can your husband see a physical therapist to get exercises? I have arthritis and a PT helped me immensely. The other thing that helped was going to a good yoga class twice a week. WOW...I am amazed at how much it helps. I am now a big fan of yoga and plan on doing it the rest of my life! Regular exercise will also help with anxiety so he should be thinking in this direction. I guess if it were me I would still have a 2nd child but I would be pessimistic and assume I will be doing most of the work. But there is hope for your husband...he needs to get a good PT and get into Yoga and find another exercise that helps lift his mood (swimming? recumbant bike? elliptical machine?).

I think you need to ask what you woud regret more, having a second and taking on all the responsibility or not having one and regretting not doing it. In the end no one can tell you what to do.

Good luck on your decision.

Obviously no one else can make this decision for you, but here's my [very very personal] opinion. You hear a lot of people say that a second kid is way more than twice the work. This has not been my experience. My second is only 4 months old, but so far, having two has been easier for me than having just one was. Whether it's because he is an easier baby, or I knew what to expect this time around, or what, I don't know. All I know is, I feel happy and complete with two, and I know I have provided my boys with each other, which I think is the best thing I'll ever give either of them!

It won't be as hard the second time around. It gets easier with each child you have, at least this is what I've heard. I know my second is a piece of cake compared to my first. I hope my third is as easy!

By the time you have your second, your first will be mostly self-sufficient. She can help with things, and be responsible for her own stuff --hanging up clothes, etc.

I have no doubt you can handle it. You just need a plan. I worried for eons about having a third, and now that she will be in here in a few months, I have no regrets. I have never been so organized, and I know that while some days will truly suck, I know she will be a blessing I would never regret.

Only you know what you're capable of handling. Myself, I think I would stick with the one child. They are a handful and they are expensive. It's not only the physical work involved, but the expense as well.

Good luck in your decision-making process. I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family.

This is a very personal decision.

What I can tell you, is that I am one of 5 kids and I have 3 of my own. I could never imagine being an only child or raising an only child. A sibling bond is something you can only have with the siblings.

If you guys WANT another child and can care for the child, absolutely! My parents always told me you can never really prepare for a baby. Not financially, emotionally, materially, etc. NOTHING is guaranteed for tomorrow. No one is guaranteed another day in the same condition they have today. Just do what works for you guys now.

I wish you luck in this decision!