To Have a 3Rd Kid or Not?

Personally, I would be too scared to have a baby in my 40's. As healthy as I am, I know my eggs are still of advanced maternal age. I know people do it but the risk of chromosomal abnormalities does go up as you age and I wouldn't be willing to risk having an unhealthy baby. Good luck to you.

I have a sister who is almost 12 years older than me and a brother 10 years older. It was a fun way to grow up and we are very close. One thing I've experienced is that I will always be the "baby" of the family, even when I'm 80! I wouldn't let the age gap be a factor.

On this site, there are women who are moms younger than you were when you had your first, and there are moms who started their families in their 40s on this site. I think there are advantages and disadvantages to each. From my perspective (had kids later), younger moms sometimes have more energy, and don't have to worry about things like college and retirement at the same time, or delaying retirement to get the kids through college. Those are my concerns, plus it took a lot longer to get pregnant with my second. But, I was more established at work when I had my kids, so I have more flexibility at my job and I simply had more life experience under my belt and don't get too worked up about little stuff (I think). My DH and I had been married for a long while before we had kids, so we knew how to talk through parenting style differences without arguing when those arose. Those were some of the advantages to later life babies.

As for the age difference, there is an age gap in my childhood family (5 years, so less than yours but still significant). While we were kids, I didn't do much with my older siblings. We simply were too far apart in age to have much in common. At places like amusement parks, we ended up splitting all the time - Dad and older kids go to one part of the part, mom and younger kids go to another part of the park. When camping, Mom and olders go on a long hike, dad and youngers go on a short hike. Etc. Now that we are older, I get along great with my older siblings. I love them. But as kids, we were not close.

As someone who had kids later and who has many friends who had their 1st baby in their 40s, I don't think entertaining the thought is crazy. But it won't be the same experience as having 2 kids close together in your 30s.

If it were me, I wouldn't even consider the idea. But that's me. Your mileage may vary.

Sweet bear,

My sister is 7.5 years older than me. My brother is 5 years older than me. Growing up was "hard" in that I ALWAYS wanted to do what they were doing but could not because I wasn't old enough or tall enough...and I was the baby....lol....I followed them EVERYWHERE and my sister was my built in babysitter...oh joy for her!! LOL!! I was a pain in the rear!!! However - NOW??!?! We are tight and not only sisters but best friends...can't imagine my life without her (or my brother).

My brother was in high school while I was in elementary school and my sister graduated while I was in middle school. My mom was busy taxiing (we didn't have 4 cars for 4 drivers) taking me to my Brownie and Girl Scout stuff swimming and keeping track of my brother and sister - and there were no cell phones then!!

This is MY story. What's yours? Can you afford another child? Does your husband want another child? How active are the kids you have? Will a BABY fit into that schedule? I'd LOVE to have 2 more kids...but I can't since I had a hysterectomy and we could adopt - which we have thought about doing - but man oh man - would the newest kid(s) get the attention they deserve or would they be the 3rd wheel being taken everywhere?? Not trying to be Debbie Downer here....but look at your schedule and life right now - how will a baby fit in? Can you afford it? Do you have the room for a 3rd?

I don't think you are crazy. If your husband is on board and you can afford another one, have the room for another one? That's YOUR decision!!

GOOD LUCK!!

I guess if you are willing to put off retirement, go for it. I am 65. My husband has been retired for 10 years. We enjoy traveling, babysitting our grand babies. Oh did I mention traveling. Kids all have families if their own. Only you can decide what's right for you. I know for me personally. I wanted to be done by the time I was 30. My 4th was born when I was 31.

I have three, and while I wouldn't give up any of my kids, obviously, I think two is a better number than three. With three kids and two parents, one often ends up being the odd man out.

With two children so much older, you will be very limited in what your family can do once you have a baby. The focus will shift from the older two to the baby, and you won't have much time for them.

At 41, unless you absolutely have to have a third, I suggest you really enjoy and spend time with the two that you have, and not subdivide yourself with a baby and not really be able to enjoy the two older kids.

JMO.

You're going to get a lot of answers both for yes and no.
The main thing is - both you and your husband have got to want to have another child.
If either one of you says no - then it's a no go.

Age wise - some women can easily get pregnant over 40 while others can't - there's no way to tell which way it will be for you until you try.
Your older kids are going to be getting into middle school and high school with in a few years - and they'll be running you ragged with activities, sports, clubs - some people do drag babies around to older kids things but the babies get tired/cranky and the older kids sometimes get annoyed with slowing down to deal with a baby sibling.
Having a baby in your 40's means you'll be 60 when they hit 20 - so you'll be facing retirement saving and paying for your youngest s college at the same time and it's not an easy thing to juggle.

We have one son who's in 11th grade and between taekwondo, archery, band, studying for school,PSAT, SAT, ACT, STEM, gearing up for college in a few years - I'm SO GLAD we decided one child was plenty enough for us.
The baby years were fun and I enjoyed them but we're having a different kind of fun now and we like that a lot.

I think that's only a question you and your husband can answer. Can you financially and emotionally take on another child? Do you have the energy to start all over? Do you WANT another baby?

For me, I had my 3rd ten days after I turned 24 and that was it for me. I'm fortunate that since I started early, my siblings are having babies now and I still get my baby fix. I can't imagine having another one and I'm 32, but that's me. My body wouldn't appreciate me doing that again. Mind you none of the three we have were necessarily planned.

Added: About the age difference between the kids...I think it's no big deal. I am one of five, the second oldest. My older sister is almost exactly two years older than me and while we grew up as best friends, we aren't as close anymore...probably because we live 8 hours apart now. My younger sister is 6 years younger than I am and while I didn't get close to her until I was about 18, we are best friends now for sure. She lives 10 minutes away and her oldest is 2 years younger than my youngest, so the kids do things together too. She is having her second baby in January, so her kids will be 6.5 years apart as well.

I wrestled with this question several years ago. We were stationed overseas we already had two kids and I asked my husband if we were going to have any Germans as we were stationed there and he said no. So I didn't worry about it. A few years later he wanted to have another but I was out of the mode. There would have been a large age difference between the first two and I had established myself in several areas. We did not have the third.

Only you can determine whether or not the third will be the right choice by looking at your physical/mental health, finances, and long term plans. If both of you are not on the same page it is a no go (resentment from the other). Having a child later in life does help you as a mom know how to navigate the different life milestones better.

Whatever you choose will be the right thing for your family.

the other S.

PS If you really feel like you have to have a third child, there is volunteering at the hospital NICU, helping out in school classrooms to help you get over the desire without having to have the child that may not fit into the family dynamics.

I had my third at 41. Best thing I ever did! I went back and forth about having her, and it was silly. All of us just adore her. I love watching the older kids play with her. My age gaps aren't as big as yours (5 and 3 years), but I don't think it matters. My husband is super close to his brother that is 10 years younger than him. They might not have played as much together when they were young, but as adults? They have a great relationship --much better than the siblings closer in age.

If you feel the pull, I don't see why you shouldn't try. As my midwife would tell you, lots of women have kids in their 40s. It's no big deal, especially if you're not a first time mom.

SoRry but I would say no, even though I adore my third. Boy will likely by 9 when baby is born, you are at higher risk of baby with serious issues, higher risk of miscarriage etc, going back to no sleep, feedings, diapers, pressure on careers, hard to travel, need the gear again, later retirement, financial pressure, feeling ancient in baby groups and more. Sounds like it will be ok if you go for it but you are also in a good place now!

I had my second at 43, almost 8 years after I had my first at 35. I, too, worried a lot about the age difference. Would they be close? How much is this going to change the dynamic of our little family of three that we are so used to after almost 8 years? Do I really have the patience to deal with a newborn/toddler/preschooler again after we just got out of that stage? I questioned everything and was very worried. This 2nd pregnancy was a surprise, but very much wanted about 5 years earlier when I was told by doctors it couldn't happen as my eggs were gone and there was zero chance of conceiving on my own. Well, doctors don't know everything and my baby was born healthy and with no complications. He is such a joy in our lives now, I can't imagine our family without him. All that worrying I did, while valid, was for nothing. He fits in perfectly and keeps me young and on my toes! His older brother is amazing with him. There is a very strong bond there already. I am now 48 and feel our family is complete.
Good luck to you in your decision!

I agonized also to have a third. AGONIZED! Then I accidentally got pregnant with number three. It was mixed emotions, but one of them was devastation over the loss of my life, my freedom, my free time..MY MY MY (see the theme?). When through a miscarriage I lost that baby, I could have felt relief. Instead I felt loss and it solidified my decision to try again for number three. That first day in recovery with my new baby I was sooooo happy. So happy the pregnancy and delivery where behind me, the question of babies health was behind me. So happy. Now that said, # three is now two and in those two years I have many times yearned for my life before three kids. Many times. Number three is a game changer. It was for me anyways (mine are all three years apart). I don't regret it, but the challenges are real.

IMHO, I think the age difference is too great. Your older kids might resent a little one for tying your family down and keeping them from doing things and going places due to naptime, earlier bedtimes, feeding schedules etc... They might also resent just the time and attention a newborn needs for the first few years. And with that big of an age gap, the baby would always be the baby. He or she would never be on the same page with your older kids and would be home alone with you and your husband for years after his or her siblings moved out on their own.

My kids are all pretty much 5 years apart (1 girl, 2 boys) and it's been fine. My husband and I did go back forth on if we should have a third or not. I was 35 when I had my last child almost 5 years ago. I'm glad we did of course, but after I had him, I knew we were done. I definitely didn't want anymore! I think you just know.

No. You are just getting to the ages where you can leave the kids alone and do some things with you and hubs. I have 2 kids, girl 16 and boy 13 tomorrow. My kids were your ages when I met my second husband and considered having one of our own. However, I was 41 at the time and felt I was too old to risk it and didn't want that big of a gap. My husbands daughter is 19 and lives with her mom but when we had her it was a HUGE difference between 2 and 3 kids. We needed a 5 bedroom house, we needed a 3rd row in the cars, the "family packs" of 2 adults and 2 kids don't apply to you, etc. So I'm happy with what we decided to do. If you have one now, you are basically starting over when you are just now getting out of the little kid ages. JMO. Good luck.

Based on my experience (girl 12, boy 5, boy 3) random things to consider before adding another:

The age gap will result in dividing the family on many outings - the older ones and the little ones. Each group will need a parent at least for a while.

Little ones are a lot of work and after you have left baby/toddler mode behind it, can be difficult to want to get back into that phase.

Older ones spoil you to the “grab shoes and run out the door” lifestyle which is most closely like life before kids. Little ones will drag everyone back to a much slower pace with more planning involved.

Three kids may form factions. In our house the oldest and the littlest mesh like peas and carrots naturally. It leaves the middle guy out a lot. Before with only two it was never an issue. If they didn't want to be around each other, then they were alone. Now there is one loner by choice or default and that is not the same dynamic.

The kids may not like each other and they may not get along very well. This may be a phase or it may be a fact of life. Our kids get along for the most part but our friends with three have two who simply cannot stand each other. They spend a lot of time dividing the family to avoid the negative interactions of the two who don’t get along.

The kids may not be thrilled there is an addition (read competition for resources, attention from parents, change in outings, change in dynamics, etc.).

Older ones can’t always relate to/handle little ones so the impatience factor can be high which drives up fighting, ignoring each other, nagging each other, etc.

The division of watching kids is no longer one parent-one kid.

Finding help to watch three for a date night is not the same as finding help to watch two.

My brother turned 15 the day before I was born and my sister was 11. So I grew up with this age gap. It was wonderful. I am in my 50s now and they are still close to me. My brother gave me away and my sister was my matron of honor in my first wedding. There isn't anything wrong with gaps.