Tnanny Quits B/c of 4 Yr Old

I would look into OT for the sensory issues. There can be a correlation between sensory issues and behavior. Both of my boys went through OT for sensory issues. It can be very helpful.

1st thought: personality conflict with your nanny. Doesn't mean either are at fault....simply that they do not connect as they should.

As a daycare provider, though, my concerns are with your daughter's behavior issues. No 4yo should be allowed to hit or kick. No 4yo should be throwing tantrums to the point that she is "known" for them. I would never tolerate that in my own children nor with my daycare kids. Once, maybe twice, a year is all you should be seeing this behavior! Find help for her sooooooon! Peace.

I once quit a job after a child's tantrum, during which he took a frame off the wall and threw it at my head. I still have a scar on my ear where it hit me. Maybe something in your child's tantrum was just Too Much this time and she felt she could not continue to provide you quality care/handle it. Maybe the tantrum was escalated from a prior one and she felt that the behavior was only going to get worse. You'd have to ask her for specifics. Professional does not = punching bag.

That said, at least you did not have to fire her for something like not supervising your child's walk to school (which DH did, because his au pair let SD run through the parking lot).

I would take this as an opportunity to find a person or program better suited to your child. Maybe rather than being home she needs to be in a preschool program until you get off work.

A four year old should not be hitting, throwing toys and kicking at all. I wouldn't put up with being hit more than once like that. I don't blame the nanny at all. A professional caregiver shouldn't be any different than any one else in my opinion as for letting a child hit them, etc. I don't know how you 'talk' to her about it as I'm sure at this point she already knows you shouldn't 'hit or kick people, etc.'.

I have mixed feelings about how to respond to your post since I clearly don't know you and your child. My first reaction is that it is very unprofessional for a nanny to walk out of a job with no notice and without saying goodbye to the kids.

But I can't necessarily fault the nanny without knowing her side of the story. Not knowing you, perhaps she feels you don't deal well with your child's emotional issues. Perhaps it is more than being hit twice, but that she sees an underwhelming response from you in general. I don't know if that is true, but maybe use this as an opportunity to examine how seriously you are taking this situation. I say this beasue, as a mother of a 7 and 3 year old, I can say my children have never hit me or any other adult. My 3 year old slapped her sister once when she was a toddler, but that's it. They rarely have even had tantrums of any sort. I would be totally shocked to see a 4 year old child hitting in anger once let alone repeatedly. I can't really blame a caregiver for not wanting to be a victim to that, and it makes me think she doesn't like how you are handling it if she just walked away.

So I clearly don't know if the nanny handled this well, but she either she can't handle your child or doesn't want to, and that being the case, it is ultimately good for your child to have a new caregiver who can. If you are second guessing yourself, I think that is a good thing. Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to let us see that our current way of thinking isn't working. You obviously can't be fully objective about the little girl you love so much. In the end, you may be doing the best you can, but I think it is wise to see if this is a wake up call that you need to do more.

This probably wasn't the reasurring answer you wanted, but I hope it is helpful in some way

Some people don't have the same tolerance levels or have a harder time enforcing discipline than others. I know some who would have quit the first time they got kicked, and others that can take it repeatedly and work with it. Children are often worse for caregivers than they are in a public setting at school too. It sounds the nanny has possibly been frustrated with her job for a while, and this was the last straw, (it could be a myriad of reasons, but this was the excuse or final draw). On days she reported good behavior, doesn't mean that your daughter was well behaved the whole time, but that it wasn't as major as other times. Don't feel bad, but certainly try and work with your daughter and take this seriously to really work on these issues. I nannied for a while and quit because of similar reasons, the child was just too stressful to deal with every day, and the pay and other parts of the job just wasn't worth it to me to stay.

Dr. Sears is an expert in this field has some excellent discipline tactics that may be productive:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

Having the occasional tantrum is definitely normal for 4 year olds still. I just recently talked about it with our pre-k teacher and she agreed (my daughter acts like you describe sometimes as well). Now if it was a daily occurrence I would understand, but the occasional tantrum most certainly shouldn't phase a professional caregiver.

So I would suggest not feeling too bad about it and writing it off as a bad fit for your kids. People have different expectations of kid behavior, even professional caregivers and teachers and some just cannot deal with any sort of emotional outbursts or resistance. Maybe there was more going on beyond this incident as well... I would quiz your DD about it.

Seek a caregiver that is a better fit to deal with a child that sometimes needs emotional guidance (again normal IMO).
Good luck!

My gut feeling is that the job just wasn't worth it for her, and that she's really not a "professional" caregiver. Kids have tantrums... even ones like you describe. Of course they aren't ok and they should be dealt with. But it sounds as though you have a process in place and you gave that information to the nanny. It just sounds like the nanny wasn't a good fit for your family. I would look for someone who has specific experience with toddlers/preschoolers and who really enjoys that age range. Some people are great with infants, but haven't a clue (or just don't enjoy) working with kids who are your children's ages.

I don't blame you for feeling bad. But I also don't blame the nanny for quitting. Your daughter won't be able to kick, hit & throw tantrums when she goes to regular school, and she shouldn't be doing it now. I think 4 is a bit old for that. Hitting & kicking & throwing toys is way past a normal tantrum, IMO. I think it's time to dig a little deeper into why these tantrums are happening, their intensity, and getting them to stop.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a stressful situation.

Sounds like to me she is just using that as an excuse. Don't take it personally. Every small child have their moments. It's not because of anything you did or didn't do. It sounds like your nanny just wanted out and instead of being an adult about it, she has opted to use that as a reason. There's more to her leaving than what she is letting on. That's my feeling.

I can't really blame the nanny for quiting. I have a four year old and I couldn't even imagine him hitting me or another adult, I would be livid. I would imagine they could really hurt you too. I work in a MDO program and in all my years I have only had one instance where a little girl(4or 5) had a hitting, kicking fit because I told her "please don't take your brother's things from him" She took her shoe off and chuncked it at my head. I was just furious, it's a very helpless feeling when going through that with someone else's child. I didn't want to get hurt and at the same time I didn't want her hurt or marks left with her thrashing around. That's too old to act like that unless there is some kind of autism(or something else) and the care givers are expecting/trained for that sort of behavior.

I would have given you chance after getting hit. That way after I was hit the second time you would have known i was done.
Again I don't know, but the response you mention in your post is no where near enough. I suspect the nanny looked at getting hit twice and your response and saw nothing happening and decided to go with protecting herself.

Well, you admit that your 4-year old hit this nanny several times. No way would I put up with getting hit by a 4-year old! This sounds way beyond a standard temper tantrum.

Find a new nanny and do your best to address your daughter's behavior in the meantime.

It's not very professional, in my opinion, to leave without notice. I suspect it has more to do with the full time position you mention in the follow up. But to ease her conscience for leaving you in a bind, she had to throw your daughter under the bus.
And I can't believe how many mothers on here have perfect angels for 4 year olds? I got hit once by a child I was sitting but looking back, I think his older sister and I were teasing him a little too much. (and it didn't hurt) There is always more sides to the story.

We all have a different definition of tantrum. I think hitting and kicking people goes beyond the tantrum level but that is just my personal feeling on it. Apparently your nanny feels something similar and just isn't willing to deal with it. I don't fault her for that but I do think it would have been better for all involved for your nanny to have mentioned after the first incident that she would not be putting up with injurious behavior and that if it happened again she would be leaving. But she didn't so no sense dwelling on it.

I know if my 4 year old daughter kicks someone it is going to hurt and, at a minimum, bruise. I wouldn't expect her babysitter/teacher/ grandparent, etc. to put up with that. In fact, I would be surprised if they did.

I do not think you should be questioning your parenting. You know that your daughter's behavior is wrong and you are working on correcting it. That is good parenting. Only you will know when and if your child's behavior warrants moving to something beyond timeouts and talking.

When you find a new nanny, let him or her know about your child's behavior and what it is you are doing to modify it and make sure (s)he is willing to work with your child as is.

Best of luck.

I'm sorry, but the few responses I've read don't seem to address the egregious behavior of your child hitting an adult! Yes, every child will throw a tantrum or two, but not all children hit adults. I would have to say so long as well. I do not tolerate being hit by a child! I hate to say it, but if your daughter is four years old and still thinks it's okay to hit an adult, there is something wrong. I have one daughter, two step sons, and nine grandchildren. All have been spanked as a form of discipline and all of them learned well before they were a year old that they cannot, for any reason, hit an adult even in play. I think that's where part of the problem comes from - adults let kids hit them in play. There is a very fine line between play and "for real" and the kids don't always know where that line is. We make that line very bold and the kids know darn well where it is!

I lost my child care provider of almost 2 years in September because of my daughters “ storytelling” (my daughter said the co-provider spanked her, long story) and “behavior”. It was the BEST THING that ever happened to us. Without going into huge detail take it as a blessing and move forward

OF course most moms would be VERY upset if a nanny quit because of our child's behavior. (I'd be worried if you were not upset!) And I know that when I first went back to work and put my child in child care I felt so very guilty and let her get away with too much! Try not to blame her behavior on you working (like I did). Let's hope this a very isolated incident and your daughter will improve and have less tantrums as she ages. But in the meantime do not do nothing Ask the nanny for a LOT of info what led up to this major meltdown and have there been other smaller problems that she didnt tell you about? Thank her in advance for sharing as much info as possible so you can help the situation, Check in with your child's preschool teacher and make sure nothing has changed there, offer to have a conference if needed, they should not share info at the door in front of children and other parents. Ask if they ever have to redirect her, deal with problems and what methods work best for them. Dont be embarrassed about asking for their opinion and advice, they are experts in preschool behavior and in your daughter specifically and should be very helpful in giving their opinions They certainly know your daughter better than us here on Mamapedia so ask them! Hire a new nanny with experience with this age group and share any advice you receive from preschool or increase her time at preschool if the routine is helpful for her.

You have an intense child or a special needs child who occasionally throws tantrums or becomes over-stimulated and difficult to deal with . . . even in public sometimes! Tantrums are typically exhibited by toddlers but can be exhibited by children of other age groups as well. What can you do to limit the amount of time that your child exhibits tantrums (i.e., not beyond the toddler years) and to minimize the intensity of tantrums?

When over-stimulation or tantrums are not currently underway, take the time to explain to your child what your expectations are regarding his/her behaviors (in public or in private). Your child will not typically be reasonable during a tantrum, so setting expectations proactively works best. Initially, your child may be too young to understand what you are saying, but persevere. A consistent message, reinforced consistently over time, is the best method of teaching children. Your message should be positive rather than punitive in tone. For example, you can say, “I expect you to be the polite little one that I’ve seen you be so many times. Say ‘please’ and ‘thank-you’ and follow all the other rules about manners that we’ve talked about.” works better than “You’d better not throw tantrums while we’re at the store. I will not tolerate that.”
If reasonable, try to limit your child’s exposure to the things that send your child into a tantrum. For example, if your child is over-stimulated by being in large crowds for anything more than brief moments, try to avoid taking your child to locations at which large crowds will be. However, this proactive solution will not always be your best recourse. Some... http://tinyurl.com/34t3hpt

Our oldest has ADHD and I was hit and kicked by him when he was that age, before treatment. If he wasn't my own child, I wouldn't have stuck around. I don't blame the nanny for quitting because it's no fun being attacked by a child. Don't blame yourself, either ... it could have zero to do with parenting. I would mention the problem now to her pediatrician and ask advice. Sensory issues often go hand-in-hand with other medical/behavior issues. Our son also has sensory issues and a host of other conditions with his ADHD.

When looking for a new nanny, I would look for one with previous experience dealing with special needs children. Someone who's been exposed to this type of challenging behavior before won't flinch when you mention what your daughter is capable of doing. Be very, very honest when screening candidates so you find someone who is up for the potential problems.

Good luck!

The fit throwing in my house was long over before either of my children hit four. I think I'd be pretty surprised by a violent outburst by a four year old too. My children, even when they were little, didn't have violent outbursts though. I guess if I saw a child have one of those I wouldn't be keen on returning either. I have 16 nephews and nieces and I babysat from 12 years of age on for lots of families. I don't think I was ever hit by anyone over the age of two.

I pry wouldn't have returned either to be honest. But that is just my experience.

wow, I can't believe how close this hits to home. I was a nanny in a nanny share situation. I had two families and both had 2 1/2 year old daughters. One family had another boy and at the time he was 15 months and the other family had recently had another child that I was not responsible for as the mother was home on maternity leave.

one of the girls had begun to have some pretty frequent tantrums. I just brushed it off assuming it was just the age and a phase and we would be past this in a few weeks. However, I did get physically injured from her throwing her SOLID WOODEN TOYS at me when I would simply ask her to not play on the stairs because I didn't want her to fall and you would think WWIII just began. I dont agree that you nanny up and left you if it is in fact true that your daughter is just fine in her everyday life. However, sometimes you have to consider your nanny sees sides of kids that the parents may not see and there may actually be a sensory disorder. It was a very touchy subject because stating I thought there was a problem with her seemed to overstep my bounds, but at the same time as someone who cares for this little girl and wanting only the best for her, I felt I was doing her a disservice by not bringing up my concern for her tantrums over very insignificant situations. Like I said, I do think you nanny should have discussed woth you some of her concerns and see how you can work together to help everyone. I do ask that you see her side. No one wants to come into a job where you have a threat of injury on a daily basis and that last tantrum may have just been the straw that broke the camels back. We have all had jobs, no matter what they are where we just know its time to throw in the towel and even though it is a more personalized job, it is still just that...a job. And I am sure you would much rather have a happy nanny with you then one that dreads coming to work everyday and you kids are probably getting the brunt of it. Just playing devil's advocate.

My daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder. Her outbursts and tantrums were spectacular. We never had a nanny or a babysitter because we were afraid her outbursts would send them packing. She rarely had issues or meltdowns at daycare or at school (she took speech starting at age 3 and was in Early Childhood at age 4, all at the Elementary School). Why? Because she felt ashamed that she had any issues/breakdowns at all and usually only had them at home, because that's where she felt safe and comfortable having a meltdown. She also knew that we loved her and wouldn't judge her for breaking down. She sometimes would have a meltdown in the store--with us with her--and we'd just stop everything we were doing and leave the store (which usually got her even madder, because then she felt bad for disrupting what we were doing as a family. But we couldn't remain in the store and have her have an outburst).

I never knew how much my daughter was holding inside (that is, not expressing) until I quit working outside the home the summer before she started Kindergarten. I kept telling my husband what I was seeing our daughter do that summer; he was in denial. Then he got sick the end of August and had to stay home for a couple days. He finally saw how our daughter was behaving and said, egads! Please call a Childhood Specialist so we can get her some help. Thank God! I'd been trying to get him to agree to that idea all summer.

She started seeing a Childhood Specialist at the age of 5 until the age of 11. We changed insurance providers, and I haven't found anyone with our new provider yet. However, the Childhood Specialist gave our daughter--and us--such a wealth of information and ways of dealing with things (especially our daughter, so she can help herself) that I'm hoping ::cross fingers:: that we won't have to see anyone again. But if the teenage years get to be overbearing/overwhelming for our daughter, then we will get her in to see someone.

I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter isn't like mine and only let's off steam/has a breakdown/tantrum among the people she loves--her family and, by extention, the nanny. And depending on how bad those breakdowns get (which can be really, really awful, as I remember the ones my daughter used to have), I can definitely see where a nanny, who has no training in how to deal with a child who has SPD, wouldn't want to have to deal with that.

If you haven't already, I would think about having your daughter see a Childhood Specialist. My daughter officially saw her Childhood Specialist for OCD/anxiety (SPD still isn't "seen" as an issue that they can bill for), but her Specialist was more than aware our daughter had SPD and gave us lots and lots of advice on how to help her.