Time Out Help

Sometimes with my son, I have to physically hold him in the "time out" spot that we use until he calms down, I keep telling him in a calm voice to calm down and ask if he's ready to sit. When he sits correctly, then I set the timer for time out. He now knows that the longer he fights it, the longer he has to sit. I set the timer according to the age, he is 3 so he gets 3 minutes.

K.,

If your daughter is already in the middle of a tantrum, it's too late for time out. If you can sense when she's heading towards a tantrum, that would be a better time for a "time out." And as others have said, it's not as a punishment, but rather as a way to de-escalate whatever is going on and help her to calm down. Kids aren't born knowing how to calm themselves, so this is probably something that you'll need to help her with. If she has a favorite doll or stuffed animal, maybe offer it to her to cuddle, talk her through taking several deep breaths, close her eyes and listen to calming music, etc. At another time (when she's not upset), you can talk to her about these calming strategies, see which ones she likes, and practice them.

As others have also suggested, it can help to identify what (you think) she's feeling at the time she is getting upset. The more she can connect the feeling that she's experience with the name of that emotion, the more likely she'll be in the future to be able to use words to express that feeling (instead of having a tantrum).

When she does have a tantrum, don't bother trying to get her to time out. Just make sure she's in a safe place, not hurting herself or anyone else, and tell her in a calm voice that you understand she's upset and you can talk with her when she's done crying. My daughter tends to have a push-pull attitude when she has a tantrum, "Leave me alone! Don't go away!" So you may not want to walk away even if your daughter tells you to. ;)

One of the best things you can do for your daughter and yourself is to see if you can figure out when and/or why these tantrums are happening and prevent them from happening in the first place. Is it when she's tired or hungry? during transition times? even if there isn't a pattern, do you have some clues that she's heading towards a tantrum? if so, then do whatever you can to head it off: offer her a snack if you think she's hungry, give her a minute of snuggle time if you think she's jealous of her sister, whatever might address the feeling that underlies the tantrum.

Remember, as others have said, time out is really supposed to be a break to de-escalate a situation, but it doesn't work for everyone (and often isn't used in the way it's intended). So don't feel you have to use time out because others do or it sounds like it should work. Try to pay attention to cues as to how your daughter is feeling -- the more attuned you are to her feelings and you reflect them back to her, the more attuned to her own emotions she will become. And that is a great thing for a child's emotional development. Good luck.

A.

Try thinking of "time out" not so much as a punishment as a way to learn how to calm yourself down. When my daughter was that age, I started saying to her "You're really mad. You need to calm down" and I'd move her to a couch or her bed. She could tell I wasn't angry - and gradually understood the concept of calming down. It didn't happen overnight, but I do remember one ay that she glared at me and said "I'm so mad at you, I'm going to my room to calm down!" That's when I knew she understood that "time out" can be something you choose when you need a cooling off spot.

Also, a few times, when I couldn't get her to go anywhere, I'd tell her that *I* needed time out, which was true, at that time I needed a break to calm down.

Finally, FWIW, four moves in four years is alot for both of you. Have you tried talking to her about how she feels? We moved when my daughter was 5, and only one move, and I was surprised at how much it affected her.

Dear K.,

Try not to look at time out as a punishment just as what it is a break. Teaching children self control is very difficult and can not be done completely in the heat of the moment. Think about it when you are mad are you thinking rationally? I would continue with the time out even if you have to sit her on your lap (no talking or kissing just holding her there)until she calms down. She is old enough now to talk to her when she is calm and explain why you are doing what you are doing. Explain to her that when she can learn to calm herself down in a respectful manner she will not have to go into time out. If you can talk when she is calm it may penetrate this way when you see it coming you can maybe get her before she goes off. Something like "Remember what we talked about" letting her know if she goes off she is going into time out. I am really big on a warning first and then follow up with a consequence. My son had such terrible tantrums so I learned how to deal with his personality after many tough days. For instance if we were going into a store I would simply say today mommy just needs to get a gift for grandma we are not getting a toy today and if you act up we will leave. If he acted up we would leave and I would go back later myself. Believe me it is a lot more work and sometimes inconvenient but in the long run you are teaching them that there are always consequences to misbehaving. I hope this helps. Good luck!!

I have a very similar problem with my son who will be 4 in March. He gets very upset at times and throws these horrible tantrums. My husband always put him in time out to calm down, but because he refused to sit in the designated spot, tempers got hotter and hotter and nothing improved. I usually let him throw the tantrum for a bit and don't talk to him. He can throw it wherever he wants, I really don't care. Then, after a few minutes, usually when I too have calmed down a bit and his tantrum isn't so much on my nerves, I go over to him, pick him up, and in a calm voice tell him that its ok, he needs to calm down, that I love him, or if he is upset bec. I didn't let him do something, I tell him I know he wanted to do X but he can't do it now for Y reason etc. I just keep doing that until he's done. Then if he did something that warrants a time out, like hitting his sister or something, then I put him in his timeout. We also started talking about our feelings. I will say how I feel to him. For example, when I feel that I am starting to lose it, I will tell him that I am frustrated at the moment. I will even tell him that I need a moment alone and go into a different room for a few minutes to calm down. I then encourage him to talk to me about how he feels. We talk about how instead of hitting, he should tell the other person that he's angry. Instead of throwing the tantrum, we tell him to say he's frustrated and why. It hasn't stopped them, but they are less. I give him tons of praise when he does that. I have even told him to tell people to please leave him alone when he needs a break and to remove himself from the situation until he calms down. It has really helped him a bunch. My husband has even started to see that time out for a tantrum just makes matters worse and has tried my approach. Hope this helps.

In truth, I'm not sure anyone can answer if it's really working giving the scenerio you described but some diversion may help. I also do timeout but before I get there, I'll try and move her away from what's becoming the problem. Maybe walk her to the bathroom, run some cold water, begin washing her hands, ask her to wipe the tears with some water...basically try and get her to relax adn take some deep breaths. At the same time explaining that it's ok to be upset but we have to keep it in porportion with the "crime." How else will we know when something is really, REALLY, wrong? LOL. Saying that really does help her. This usually works best if you do it right away. You know, BEFORE they start making snow angels on the floor.

Sometimes, she'll revert and that's when timeout comes to play. They say 1 minute for every age. My daughter's 3 and sometimes it takes her that long just to sit for timeout. My clock begins when she stays put. There's no getting up, playing, talking. She has to use the time to "reflect." Hahaha - a 3 year old reflecting. But it's true. When she's ready to say sorry and can explain what put her in time out, we hug, we say our I love yous and I tell her that maybe next time we can just talk about it instead of getting a timeout and how it makes me sad to give her timeouts.

Hope you find this helpful. I don't believe I hold any answers or that I've figurered out any big secrets but I feel that kids' behaviours although can seem very similar may be internalized very differently and you should try a little of everything until you find what does work.

Good luck!

One of my girls sounds just like yours. Time out gets her even more worked up. So I have stopped calling it "time out" because she associates that with punishment, and started saying, "I can tell you're really upset. Let's take a minute to calm down so we can talk about it." Sometimes I sit her on my lap, sometimes I sit next to her, but I use that time to simply focus on her gaining control of her emotions. Don't say anything about why she is upset.

Once she has calmed down (which is usually the amount of time I would have used to put her in time out anyway), I listen to her explanation. We then discuss other more appropriate reactions and sometimes role play.

This has taken a long time, and it takes a LOT of patience, but she has come so far from where we started out. Good luck!

K.,
Sounds like one of my daughters.. she can be sooo difficult sometimes... and sometimes i think she argues just to argue... I have a hard time making my daughter sit in one spot to so if I send her to her room she know she is in REAL trouble. I make her go to her room and tell her not to come out til I tell her to. That usually works or I just threaten to send her to her room and she chills out. Of course that doesnt ALWAYS work but that is what i found out to work the best.. she likes to be where everyone else is and if i make her go away from everyone it seems to sink in a little. Hope this helps.. Good luck=)

TIME OUT! WHAT? lol) Well it never worked in my house. I have a 14 year old, 9 year old, and 3 year old. It's not to late to start putting your foot down. I personally don't believe in books and "People's" guidelines, and manuals. Hey Adam and Eve didn't have one. (lol) (Just trying to brighten up your day.) Well scripture or " The Good Book" Tells us to train up a child while they are "young" that means when they enter in this world and start to "understand". My first child got verbally disciplined at 6 months when she tried to touch the stove in her walker. And I "talked" to her. I have a nine year old child who "acts" like he has behaviorial problems and tries to throw 3 year old tantrums. K. I just keep my peace give him TLC, and "talk to him about his behaviors. It takes a lot of time and patience, especially when you have to devote your time and patience to one child when you have other personalities in the house to deal with. But in the end it will work out. I also notice that "praises are what children love. Anything compliant your 4 year old does: "praise her verbally, or materialisticly. You may see a better outcome. Maybe say " See this is a good girl and good girls get good things. when you act up it is not a good thing for mommy, and you will never get rewarded for bad behaviors." GOOD LUCK! K.

Try this out instead....Give her TIME IN's instead of time out's. What that encompasses is basically a "reward moment" for when she is doing exactly what you WANT her to do.

Praise her w/ a kiss and a hug and specifically mention w/ a great confident tone to your voice what you like about her GOOD behavior when it happens. That will reinforce her good behavior and hopefully will make her bad behaviors go away.

I've tried this w/ my 3 yr old daughter and it works well w/ her. She very rarely has melt downs and is really agreeable when I tell her that she can't have something (like another pc of candy or more time playing computer games or watching DVD's.).

Unless I'm in the minority w/ a very easy going kid - I do believe that praising for the good behaviors cuts down on the bad ones happening at all.

Goodluck!

The time out thing definitely works but if this is not a method you have always used its gonna be a rough ride but not impossible. Its going to take a lot of repition. Every time she comes out the clock has got to start back to the beginning and shes gotta be walked back to her time out spot every time she leaves. This could take a long time and youll need your patients but you can do it. The thing is if you give her a time out then she is able to leave her time out and continue to have a tantrum what is the message she is getting? Time out doesnt really mean anything. Now if she is put back into her place time and time again she will eventually give up and get that your not gonna give in. If she has the power she will take advantage of it. Hey who wouldnt right? i think we all would.

When time out turned out to be more negative than helpful for the 4-year-old in our house, I switched to "Love-Outs", which helped both of us calm down a lot faster. Love-outs involve an on-the-spot (usually the spot where his meltdown is happening) hug that lasts until his smile comes back. When I first switched to this tactic he was so stunned his fits stopped right away; even after the initial surprise had worn off I found them to be very helpful. While I'm holding him we talk about correct behavior and work through what's going on. He's 5 now and I've switched more often to putting away his favorite toys, explaining that toys are a privilege whereas food and shelter are needs. His needs will always be met because he is my son and I love him, but if he needs to sit in his empty bedroom without his favorite toys while he mulls acceptable behavior, I'm ready for that too. I've found that the simple threat of removing his favorite toys works wonders. Good luck.

Hi K., What is happening before your daughter "looses it?" Is she frustrated about something? Is she looking for attention? Have you tried to talk to her about this behavior when it is not happening? I know children can be difficult but we must try to find out the reason. Follow your heart. Grandma Mary

Hi K.. I know I'm a little late in responding because everyone has already told you some great advice and their opinions. I'm in no way an expert, but after having my kids--I have two older ones who are 20 and 15, and a 10 year old and a 9 mo.old--I have learned patience, flexibility, and more patience! My advice to you(for whatever it's worth!)is to start having conversations with your girls-both of them because the 2 year old can understand, too-about different things and include what you as a loving mom expect from them, as far as behavior goes. That way you don't infringe on their individuality, but at the same time both girls will know what mom expects from them as very important members of the family. It's a good way to promote discipline in your household while they are still young and eventually it becomes a part of them as they grow older. Believe me, my three older girls are all very different and I've only used time out a couple of times for the youngest girl, but it didn't work for the two older ones. I hope you read this and I hope you find a method that works for you and your family...God bless you.

She needs to learn to control herself. This is hard for some kids, but she has to. One thing that works is "wrapping' her in your arms and sitting with her on your lap until she stops. You need to put your arms around hers so she can't flail around, dont talk to her or kiss her. Just hold her until she stops, then talk to her about what set her off and how she can change herself, so as not to lose it. It would also help her if you could distract her when you notice she is getting to that level.

Hi K.
I know that time out is the punishment of choice these days but it never worked with any of mine. They escalated to more problems, so I moved to using natural consequence, and thinking through my own children so I knew what would be a problem before the problem hit.
This is an easy example but it worked for most things and natural consequences worked for the rest. Lets see, I realized that my children were always in a mess before dinner. Feed them earlier. That yelling match ended. It works with all things if you can catch the problem before it escalates.
Really just wanted you to know that "time out" does not work for certain personalities of people and I am not sure if that is me or my children.
God bless you
K. SAHM married 38 years === adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with 5 mo son, and twins 18 in college after homeschooling. Commuting for journalism - 3.8 GPA Presidents List, and on campus for fine arts - 3.7 GPA Dean's List.