Thoughtlessness of 20 Year Old Son.... What to Do?

He works, goes to school and is a good boy??
You are one lucky mom.
:) Don't forget it. Truly, you are blessed!

He doesn't owe you a gift, no matter how much he spends on his girlfriend or himself.
Sounds to me as though you were used to being the center of his universe, and now you're not, and you're having some jealousy issues.

Tell him how you feel, S.. He most likely won't learn how to look outside of himself and his desires on his own. You will be showing him how to be a thoughtful son, AND a thoughtful husband some day!

I will get beat up for this, but it sounds like your son is now a man and will probably not on his own, remember your birthday and other important dates.

For some reason, men can focus on one person at a time.

This in no way means he does not love or appreciate you, he is just otherwise occupied.

IF you feel this is really, really important to you, this is now a time in your relationship that you are going to have to just be blunt and honest.
"Son, my birthday is next Tuesday. I want to see you that day to celebrate together." " Your girlfriend is welcome," or "I want you all to myself as my gift from you.. " "Instead of a gift, a card will be fine."

Most men are just not wired to remember these things, it takes someone reminding them point blank, (many times, and many ways) because they also do not take hints. They are just not like women. Even if as a mother you worked with him and trained him, it just disappears..

Sorry your feelings were hurt.

What has he done in past years? Was this year different? Or are you just noticing that he did something for his girlfriend but didn't do anything for you? If he's always given you a gift or a card in the past, I can understand why you're feeling upset that he didn't give you one this year. But, I don't think it makes him selfish or ungrateful. I also don't think the fact that he spends money on his girlfriend or himself should factor into this equation at all. He has the right to spend his money however he chooses.

I usually don't buy birthday gifts for my parents. The only time I do is if there is something specific they want, and then I'm happy to get it for them. But honestly, most years, they don't need or want anything. They are perfectly happy with a phone call and maybe an invitation to dinner. I have my children make them cards.

I think you need to let it go for this year. It's in the past and anything you say now is going to sound petty, bitter, and possibly jealous of the girlfriend. As children become adults, their relationship with their parents changes. Be grateful that he remembered your birthday at all - many adult sons don't! Please don't think he is self-centered... if anything, your behavior is just as selfish.

I'm so sorry! You have poured your life into him, I'm sure. You did a good job, if he's working and getting some schooling. Sometimes, that's our reward. That they can function well. They will never understand what went into that.

They other thing is that they are guys and they make terrible mind readers!
You should start giving voice to expectations.

Hey Bud, at least a card! I've said that to mine and it does work. I expect one for mothers day, too. And a present at Christmas. Doesn't matter what it is, I expect them to put some effort into buying something! It just part of that maturing process that continues into the twenties.

He is 20 yrs old. You have been a good mom to make him your priority as you should have. Many moms don't do what you have done to make sure you have a good kid. You deserve a pat on the back for that.

That said, He did tell you Happy Birthday so he DID acknowledge your day.

He does not "owe" you gifts. You should not be expecting him to shower you with gifts.

You have been the only woman in his life over 10 yrs. He is mostly grown up but still learning and has a girlfriend. He is in love and when that happens they don't always think with their brain. His priority right now is his girlfriend.

You must realize that you are no longer the only woman in his life. Eventually he will find his life partner and you have to be able to understand that and separate yourself from that relationship so you can be a good MIL and welcome a daughter into your family.

I understand you feel hurt but look at it from another perspective... You've done your job... He is not selfish or ungrateful for not giving you a gift. The tone I pick up from your post sounds a bit like you are jealous of his new relationship. Let him grow up and embrace him without expectations of payback you feel you deserve.

You need to go do something for yourself. Join a group or do something that keeps you active and focus on you for once.

20 year olds are naturally self-involved (it's a necessary mental process that allows them to separate from their clan). yeah, it would be nice to get more than a 'happy birthday', but you also don't have any say in what he gets for his girlfriend (or himself.) he works and goes to school and is plenty old enough to decide for himself how to spend his money.
sometimes you have to be direct with young people. 'my birthday's next week. lowes has rosebushes on sale. the sunset flame one would be perfect' might just be the way to go.
khairete
S.

I would have felt badly too, but guys are clueless, especially at that age. I know you are not concerned about a gift from him, just more of an acknowledgement of your birthday. You might have to start giving really obvious hints:
"What's your favorite birthday cake flavor? Mine is chocolate..."
"Would you and so and so like to go out to dinner with me Friday?"

My husband had a severe stroke and can't get out on his own, so before my birthday, I took my 11 yr old son to the store, gave him money, showed him the bakery and the less expensive cakes, showed him the aisle to buy candles and frosting to write on it. He had me wait in the car while he shopped. He surprised me by having the baker write on it. He bought balloons and my favorite candy bar as a little gift. I was very proud of him and it was a nice little celebration. I know daughters are probably much better at this kind of stuff, so I need to teach my son to be kind and thoughtful for not only me, but for his future relationships.

Hi S.. If he has never given you a card before, then please don't expect him to now, just because he gave his girlfriend diamond earrings. Please don't set yourself up in competition with the woman in your son's life, it sets you up to lose. If you raised him on your own since he was 10 years old, and there was no one to say, "Hey, lets go to the store and get mom a card and some flowers for her birthday!" he simply may not think of it or know that's what adult kids do for mom. Since you still refer to him as a "boy" even though he is an adult, perhaps he isn't thinking of himself as your adult son, either and isn't stepping it up in that area. This isn't about him buying earrings and video games instead of something for your birthday, it's that there was never an example set of him getting something for your birthday or being in charge of the celebration. Yes, a card would have been nice for him to think of and even a little gift but he simply may not know that you would expect this if it's never been an issue in the past.
Remember to be very, very nice to the girlfriend - often when your son is in a relationship or married, it's that woman who remembers to get you a card and buys your gift on your birthday and Mothers Day. Does your son acknowledge you on Mothers Day?

Sometimes children of single parents don't internalize those thoughts about buying birthday gifts because they didn't have another adult (parent, uncle, whatever) teaching them how to do this. So because you (obviously) didn't take him to the store and teach him how to buy a gift for you as he was growing up, it's not a "given' that he will do it now.

He's 20 - he's an adult, but he's also just learning to do things as an adult. People this age are often a bit on the selfish side, enjoying their own freedom but still being free of "obligations" like spouses and kids and heavy job responsibilities. So they party a bit too much sometimes, and they have disposable income that they spend on themselves and their friends.

My guess is that you have been so strong for the past 10 years that you two were on your own, he doesn't see you as having needs. You're also a little conflicted - you say he is a good boy, yet you say he is thoughtless and maybe selfish or ungrateful. So that's the conundrum of all parents when they raise kids who are now grown - we have to live with what we have created, and it's hard to see that our kids are the product of our own parenting as well as other influences.

It may help to remember that a young person's brain isn't fully developed until age 25 or so, and that the last part to develop is the part that predicts consequences. That's one reason why smart and sensible kids do really dumb stuff at 18 and 20 and 22 - they aren't able to look ahead as we would hope. And your son may just not realize that the consequence of failing to buy you a gift or card is that you will be hurt.

You have 3 options: One is to ignore it. The second is to be sort of indirect and tell him that you got a card from someone else (or that you are buying a card for someone) and how wonderful it is to be remembered. Your third is to tell him outright that he's an adult and you hope he will take on adult responsibilities, including being grateful to you and showing his appreciation through a gesture beyond just saying "Happy Birthday." You can also tell him truthfully that one measure of how he will treat his girlfriend over time is how he treats the other woman in his life, his mother. His girlfriend should be looking at how he treats you and seeing that as one indicator of what he's like as a man. Is he appreciative and demonstrative, or does he think women just intuitively "know" that he is grateful and therefore he doesn't need to do anything. And if he has a girlfriend who thinks it should be all about HER and not about anyone else in his life, he's got a selfish woman on his hands, so he might want to rethink that.

I think you should say SOMETHING about what you need. Sometimes a selfless mother winds up getting nothing.

"Hi hon. I'm so happy you have a new love in your life and are doing well with work and school. But I realized after my birthday that I always enjoyed your acknowledgement of my birthday with flowers and a little time together. And to tell the truth, I missed that this year. Any chance we can get together for a birthday lunch or dessert this week?"

I don't get it. I am perfectly happy with a happy birthday. Lets see, my oldest makes 60,000 a year, how much should he be spending on me to make me feel better about myself? Oh my god, he spends money on himself, his friends and all he does is remember to say happy birthday!

My kids didn't ask for me to have them, they didn't ask for me to divorce, these are my choices and they owe me nothing.

S.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

So what changed? Has he been like this all the other years? No card? Nothing? Or is this the first year he didn't "do" anything for you?

Sorry - he's an adult. He doesn't really "owe" you anything. I know that sounds cold, but really. That's the truth.

I'm sorry - as you can't HEAR my voice - so if you don't like it - you will say I'm being mean - that is NOT my intention. It's to shed light on your drama....maybe YOU are the self-centered one? Maybe you expect him to do for you all the time? Yes, it was your birthday (happy birthday BTW) but really - what did you expect him to do? Did you communicate your expectations to him?

To be honest it sounds like you are jealous that he has a girlfriend and that he spent his money on her and not you. You gotta cut the apron strings sometime!!

Good luck! Hope this helps!

I'm so sorry. He's starting to think with his gonads instead of his brain as far as his girlfriend is concerned, and like being with her, he's starting to just think of himself. He doesn't have a dad to remind him that a gift would have been appropriate.

I don't know what you are doing to support him. Is he on your cell phone plan? Are you paying his car insurance? What else? It's time for you to tell him that he needs to start paying his own way. When he asks why, tell him that he has enough disposable income now to pay his own bills instead of his mother paying. Tell him that you realized when he spent money on a girlfriend and himself and left his mother out on her birthday of showing that family is also important, that you realized that he evidently doesn't need his mother's financial support as much.

He won't like it. It doesn't matter. You are not being passive agressive. You are teaching him a valuable lesson. You should do it.

This is why I cherish every weedy flower from the backyard, every goofy looking card colored with so much love. I have 3 boys, and it's really more of a girl thing to be super thoughtful about stuff like that! I plan to be really nice to my DILs, bc us mamas take a back seat to those girls one day and then those girls become the mommies of our grand babies!!! He is just growing up, it's ok, you will always be mom :)

I don't think you should worry. That stinks he didn't give you a card, but you know he loves you. Very much. I think the 20s are a time many young people are really focused on themselves. They have to make it in the world. They are trying to find their life partner. They are independent. It's a crazy decade! Think of it this way. He is trying to woo his girlfriend. He knows you love him and is secure in your love. We were raised by a single mom. Thinking of my brother...he was pretty caught up in his own life in his 20s. 30s too actually. Some years he would forget our mom's birthday. Some years he'd do something really nice for her. He is completely inconsistent. He rarely buys her stuff. But one year he bought her this nice coat. She treasures that coat. I think the year after that he did nothing! It's nice if he remembers to call.

When I want something from my sons on special occasion, I give them many "hints" for days ahead of time. I don't really care -- the biggest reason I want them to get me anything is so that they learn to remember special occasions for their future spouses and families.

It's nice that he got something for his girlfriend. That's what really matters. Ask him to give you a big, belated birthday hug and kiss.

You can call it whatever you want.They all fit for now. My oldest son was the same way. Killed ourselves to provide for him give him a nice life. Still paying off some debts incurred. But He is also a good guy, working very hard. He met a girl, several thousand dollar ring, got married, at least 3 years now- but completely forgot my birthday last year. He bought her a car I believe even before we were married. And now another one. Ah, love. As for your son...
He will wake up one day. I think mine is starting to. I let him know how I feel finally. Oh, and if it helps, I'm married, so no need to blame just yourself for this. It seems pretty common.

What has been the normal protocol for birthdays? Has he always given you cards and gifts? Do you make a big deal about birthdays in your family? If the answer to this is yes, then I would be concerned and hurt. Birthdays mean a lot to some and they want/need attention. To others, like myself, it's just another day.

You mention he has a job. As much as you may not like the way he chooses to spend his money, the bottom line is it's his money to spend the way he chooses.

As far as what to do, I wouldn't mention anything to him and just let it go.

I don't think you feel that he "owes" you a gift, as has been intimated many times in these responses.
I feel you are a bit hurt at being "second fiddle" I'm the birthday orchestra, so to speak.
I'm sure your sacrifices - especially over the last 10 years have been significant - and as parents we all wonder when our kids will see & realize what we've given up and finagled so that they could have the good life that they have.
So, yes, I can see where you would feel hurt and a bit slighted, even though I'm sure you didn't expect heroic proportions--you're mentioning that a card would have been nice.
I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning this to your 20 year old son...in casual conversation. "Steve, it kind of hurt my feelings thT you didn't acknowledge my birthday with a card. I understand that you're not a child, but as young adult, you need to be aware of situations like this." Leave it at that.
Happy Birthday!

I would not approach it after the fact. But for next year I would remind him that hey you would love to spend time with him close to your birthday.

I would be more worried about his lack of money smarts then anything. Seriously...a working college student cannot afford a 300 dollar pair of earrings AND a video game in one month.

I doubt that he's purposely "dissing" you. He's becoming a young man and his girlfriend has become the woman in his life. Yes, it would have been nice for him to get you a card but I don't think sons are as thoughtful as daughters when it comes to things like buying cards and gifts for their parents. Think about the card aisle at the store, the only time you really see men there is Valentines Day and Mothers Day LOL!!!
But by all means if you are hurt let him know how you feel. You don't want to keep it inside if it's going to make you resentful or bitter.

I feel a lot like that. All it took was for me to miss their birthday one time for them to notice something was wrong.

I told me daughter I figured since she hadn't gotten me anything for my birthday that she didn't want to adult birthdays anymore then I walked away to go switch out the washer and dryer.

We don't do birthdays anymore. We're adults and I think that gift giving really does end up being a kid thing.

If it wasn't for FB birthday reminders I don't think anyone would even remember birthdays anymore...lol.

Aww, he sounds like a very sweet young man that is very much in love and is treating his girlfriend with as much respect and love as you taught him to treat a woman he cares about over the years with. You, single mom to a boy, taught that young man how to respect women and show the woman he's in love with different ways that he loves her. And yeah, he's going to use his own money that he earned to buy a video game for himself. ;-) But the rest? That's the best birthday gift ever to both you and to her.

He should have acknowledged your birthday. I'd gently let him know that you missed hearing him say it this year.

Don't tie it to the girlfriend because he could have done this whether he were dating her or not. Try not to be "that mom" that gets jealous when there's a girl in his life that he loves, especially if she treats him well. ;-)

You were searching for a word... selfishness, thoughtlessness, ungrateful... I think maybe I would use "preoccupied." You have a good son who treats women well. Good job Mom.

So, you're pissed because he spent money on a girl he's been in a relationship with for a year now, and himself, but did NOTHING for you?

Yeah, someone is selfish, and it's not him.

It is somewhat normal for kids his age to be a little thoughtless at times. He is focused on himself and growing up. The fact that it is somewhat normal does not make it any less hurtful to have someone you love forget your special day. Maybe next year drop a little hint by reminding him that your birthday is coming up and you hope he will be able to make a little time to spend with you.

I am assuming he is living on his own and is self sufficient of course. If he is not, if he is still living off of you and spending like that, it may be time for a gentle push out into the real world. But that is an entirely different issue of course.

Do you still buy him gifts for his birthday? Cut it back and just get him a card. Perhaps it is time for the two of you to stop doing the birthday exchange.

Unless he is specifically telling you what he wants, he is probably too grown for you to shop for him any longer.

With that said, your "issue" is with the girl. If that makes him happy, let him decide where to spend his money.

Hey S.,

Is your son living with you? Is he contributing overall to the health and welfare of the household (in short, is he paying his share, paying for his phone, transportation, helping out with expenses, etc.)? Is he being a considerate housemate? I think, for me, that would factor into how deeply I felt about your situation. If he was stepping up in all the other ways, I'd say "bad faux pas on the kiddo's part, let it go..." but if he's not contributing, not helping with financial obligations, just sponging... then I can understand why you'd be POed that he didn't acknowledge your birthday.

Some people might find that conditional, I know. I guess what I'm getting at is try to look at the big picture. Sure, he's in a stage of not-quite-really-adulthood where he's still learning how to be a decent human being (my first response when reading the title of your post was 'wait for him to grow up a bit'), but if he' ONLY taking, then that's a part of your relationship which needs to be examined.

It IS too bad that he didn't thing to take you out for dinner or buy you something you'd like. I agree. I'd likely feel a little stung, too... so please, take this in the spirit it's offered-- this is a good time to consider the big picture, the whole picture. If it's just about this one time and the gift, I'd try to let it go with future knowledge not to expect much from him, but if it's really about an ongoing situation, that needs to be addressed. Good luck!

I wouldn't really worry about it. I mean, he has a job, and is going to school. I don't think, that most kids, really remember that they should acknowledge someones birthday, until they are a bit older and more mature. Has he ALWAYS bought you a card for your birthday? Try to stop having these bad feelings, or the girlfriend will be in trouble, because he will probably continue to do nice things for her, and you don't want to compete.

I think I would have a discussion around gifting and let him know that you each should have a gift limit or range for each other for Christmas and birthdays. Basically, disguise the lesson into a chat about Christmas presents and what you plan to spend on each other. Mention birthdays too. He should have a set amount in his head to spend on you for each. Since he is young, I'd suggest $50 or so for both occasions and say that is your limit for him as well. :)

Of course no one OWES anyone anything. A husband does not OWE his wife an anniversary gift but hell would break out if she does not get one. Yes, I believe a gift is due a parent no matter the age of the child. The cost of that gift is negotiable.

I don't give my mom presents for her birthday. She's lucky she gets a card from me, since she doesn't send one to me. As far as she's concerned, a facebook message on my wall saying happy birthday is good enough.

As for your son, he's at a time in his life when the girl friend is the most important woman in his life. He's probably got tunnel vision where she's concerned. Not to be crass, but she's the one giving him the thing that guys his age want: sex. Of course he's going to want to give her a nice present.

I think you're focusing too much on what you could get and not what you did get. Your son loves you and remembered to tell you happy birthday on your birthday. If you want more than that, you need to tell him, but for me, I'd rather have someone call and tell me happy birthday than give me an expensive present. I have plenty of stuff.

I think our culture places too much value on whether or not gifts and cards are given.

I have never expected a gift from my daughter for any occasion. IF she gets me one, it's always a happy surprise.

I also don't buy birthday gifts for my mom. I do send a card and call her, and she's thrilled with that.

It sounds like you're a bit jealous of the girlfriend. You need to get over that. You are, unfortunately, not the center of his universe anymore.