Thoughtless Stepchild

I am sorry that you have hurt feelings. But SERIOUSLY there is about a million reasons you should get over yourself on this one:

First of all she's a teenager - of course she's not terribly well mannered and occasionally thoughtless - I'd be surprised if she wasn't!

There is a possibility she didn't snub you, maybe that information got lost somehow or the person who was announcing forgot to announce your name.

Even if you were not included by her. Sorry, but this was HER special day and not about YOU! She gets to include whomever she feels is important in her life. Having a decent relationship, does not mean that she feels that you are all that important to her. Yep, that hurts, especially if you have invested emotions in her that aren't reciprocated - but you can't force someone to love you!

Last of all I am pretty sure that everyone was so preoccupied with their own family that nobody thought "she must really hate her stepmom". Thinking that way just escalates the situation in your head.

So again, sorry you were hurt, but maybe this is not something you should make a big stink about, if you want to keep on with your decent relationship.

Good luck!

Wow, that was very rude!

Since she is or is about to be 18, why can't you tell her directly that her action/inaction really hurt your feelings. She might have an excuse or she just might apologize or this might open up a discussion about how your adult relationship will be.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or demand that she apologize, I would say something along with lines of, "Cathy, when my name was excluded from your list of parents at your graduation, I was hurt. Especially since I thought we had a good relationship and that your step father was mentioned. I just wanted to let you know." And walk away if she doesn't have a response.

At my graduation we did not rehearse names, they even mispronounced my mothers' and I was so nervous being in front of everyone I didn't even notice.

It looks like you are expecting a child under the age of 18 to step up and be the adult, give you the acceptance and respect you deserve and make you feel better. It sounds like you both have a good tolerant relationship. I agree that you shouldn't take it up with your husband, he shouldn't be put in the middle and if cornered, most anyone would feel compelled to defend their children for non issues.
And unfortunately in the bigger scheme this is a behavioral non-issue, she wasn't showing bad behavior - she allowed a pubic omission of your connection. Kids don't get to pick their step parents, and that's the way it should be regardless of how some teenagers would have preferred to be consulted.
I don't know the whole story but I would think that remaining silent about this with your step daughter and further isolating her would only serve to keep the stalemate going.
You don't need her approval, if your marriage is going good and you are happy with your life then be happy. I doubt anyone paid attention or thought it was a snub.

Since she recognized her step-father I can imagine that was hurtful.

That being said, I would cut her some slack. Girls get alot of mixed emotions when it comes to their dads, and will even "compete" with their real moms (for attention, I don't mean inappropriate stuff) - much less their step moms.

As far as what others thought - I doubt anyone gave it nearly the amount of thought that you did. People just don't care that much - the only ones who do, do for the wrong reasons (i.e., delighting in feeling superior which is wrong in itself).

Try to be gracious and forgiving with her - she is a teen girl after all. That may stand out in her mind (and maybe it never will but that doesn't make it any less "right").

Good luck to you - hugs.

This isn't from a step- relationship, but from an in-law relationship. I know my dad doesn't care who I call dad or mom. He doesn't care who else I thank for being a part of my life. My mother wasn't always there for me; she acted like she was just barely able to tolerate me most of my life. There was a time I REALLY needed their support and neither gave it to me. (I wasn't doing anything bad, I just broke up with a guy they really liked.) I love her with all my heart though: she's my mom, and I don't call my dear MIL "Mom" because I know it would hurt my mother terribly (not to mention the family drama it would cause), even though my MIL is much more of a "mom" figure than my mom was (correcting me, giving advice, showering me with love, etc--and I've only known her 7 years). I agree with those who say to take the high road, but I also wanted to let you know it may not be about you as much as it seems.

As a for instance...
When I got married I had both my parents walk me down the aisle and I had planned, and talked about, that before I went to stand with my husband I wanted to go and give my stepmom a hug so she could take part in the giving away as well (she and my dad have been together since I was six). BUT when it came down to it we hadn't really practiced things (never really had a rehearsal being as how we had a very informal wedding) and I kind of bumped into my dad a little and then got turned around and missed giving her a hug. Which stinks, and I still feel kind of crumby about it four years later. So, point being, sometimes things get screwed up and SHE didn't actually snub you (as far as you know) maybe she gave them the names but THEY screwed up.

If you have a "decent" relationship you could always go to her and ask what happened. And if she tells you she didnt want your name called you could ask her why.One thing that I found interesting about your post was the comment about other people you knew being in the audience and they must be thinking she hates you. Are you really upset with her, are you sure deep down you wouldn't have expected this? Or are you upset that other people might now know its not a great relationship? Whatever it is I hope it gets better for you. Good Luck

That is hurtful! I'd feel the same way. Children have a way of being immature at this age even though they are so grown up. Hopefully, she'll realize this and change as she grows. Try not to take it personally and love on her inspite of this terrible treatment.

first of all, i'm sorry this hurt you and i'm not surprised that it did. it must have been quite a blow as you sat there hoping to share in the pride and good feelings of that special occasion.
there may well be some underlying resentment that caused her to leave your name off. but i'm betting that if that's the case, she was eyeballing you and noticed your hurt, and unless she's an absolute nightmare, is even now feeling a bit bad that she took it that extent. but it may well be hard for her to tell you that now.
this one incident doesn't mean you don't count, especially if you have a generally cordial relationship with her. it's much more likely that it was a momentary nasty that is not indicative of her overall (complicated) feelings for you.
you could confront her in a nice way, i suppose, but i doubt it would give you satisfaction. i would suggest taking the high road with this, don't mention it and just be kind and loving toward her. stepmothers are a hard thing. i've got a wonderful one, but i was vile to her for years. i hope yours does the same thing i did, go to her once i was an adult and sincerely express my appreciation and love. but to get to get to that point you really do have to be the grown-up and not let it degenerate.
it is not the case that not having consideration at this age means she never will. 18 year olds are fully mature in many ways, but they are still in a me-bubble and won't really develop empathy fully for a few years yet.
this does not take away the fact that your feelings are genuinely (and rightfully) hurt. you might find it helpful to sit down and right a VERY candid letter to her, telling her exactly how upset and angry you are and what you think of her. but do not, for the love of all the gods, let it fall into her hands (however tempting it might be.) once you've excised the venom, burn the letter and release your hurt with it.
then go treat yourself to a massage or a hot fudge sundae.
:) khairete
S.

Sorry, but what do you expect when you are a step-parent? You could let her know your feelings are hurt - but it seems that wouldn't matter much to her.

You seem more worried about hurting her back than just being the better person: "Plus, if she doesn’t have manners or consideration for others at this point in her life, she never will."

You know that is not true about what you said.

Have you told her how you feel? I think a lot of times people don't realize how much their actions may injure someone else and she may feel bad when she realizes how much she hurt you. I'm sure she is not a mean person who sets out to hurt others, so this could be learning opportunity for her.

As a fellow step mom, I understand where you are coming from and I would probably be a little upset too. While I would not care about taking credit/being recognized, I would be upset that my step son did not include me(since I have been in his life for the past 7 1/2 years). Being a step parent is very hard and for the most put unrewarding. I think step parents really get a bad rap and while there are some out there like Cinderella's not all of us are like that! Anyway, back to your situation: I would try to take into consideration that you are dealing with a child-a teenage girl at that. She might have put your name on the list and the school could have accidentally omitted it. She could have left you off but, not realized it would hurt your feelings. Maybe she doesn't know it is a big deal to you? I often have anxiety about situations like that,,,,I feel like I should be there to support my step son but, then I worry that people will look at me like why is she here. I know it isn't about me and all of that. I just feel insecure as a step parent sometimes. It is a really hard job. Best wishes to you. Try not to sweat the small things. All we can do is love our step children and be our best for them!

If you would expect that behavior from the younger one, then there is obviously a problem with your relationship with both children. If it is bothering you, you should talk to the older one in private. Just tell her that it hurt your feelings that she didn't include you since you have been a part of her life for so long. If you don't think it is worth talking to her about, then maybe that is part of the problem.

Wow. Obviously, you two have some really big issues even though you thought you didn't. I only wish I knew what to say. I disliked both my stepparents desperately. My dad is gone and I'm just glad I don't have to deal with her anymore. My stepfather is gone and though I actually miss him a little, he made our lives miserable.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what she was thinking. It's possible that you have actually done some things that really hurt her. Aren't you at least allowing for the idea that she might believe she's been slighted? There's always 2 stories to every situation. This girl will be in your life so long as your husband is still alive.

i would be hurt too, especially if she mentioned everybody but you. your husband should speak to her about this and make sure she apologizes to you -- she should've noticed that you weren't mentioned and apologized herself! also, i think your husband, their father, should make sure his daughters treat you with respect when you are standing right there and introduce you. this may be a case where they don't realize what they're doing and someone needs to teach them to do the right thing.

Sorry to hear about that. I have a 21 yo daughter and a 17 yo son from my previous marriage. My kids would probably do the same even though I have taught them manners. My husband and my two older kids have always held some sort of 'thing' for my husband. He has never tried to be close to them, like a hug or praise them for anything. But he would be quick to critizize anything, even small things and I have noticed that. I had told him many times about my daughters was recongnized for this or my son's gpa is this and great he's doing is school, etc..he would say something like, "too bad he's not like that here at home", well, always sqaushes their good thing you know? So I don't blame them for not 'liking' him. I do ask that they 'respect' him as an adult and stepfather. They are close to their dad. They have always told him thank you for everything. since he wants to be recongnized if he buys them a hamburger, if we go somewhere and he pays. Which I think is dumb. Now my daughter moved in with her dad which I'm sad about and glad at the same time. Things happened in March where my daughter had to call 911 on him for pushing me and he got out of hand (he has a bad temper) and 2 months later he sat my daughter down to have her explain why she called 911 and I guess she didn't give him the 'right' answer according to him so he kicked her out of 'his' house. Even thoulgh she was telling him she cares for him as her stepdad but he didn't care to hear that. My kids are wonderful and respectful but have never been 'close' to him. Now my son is just waiting to finish his one year left of high school and he'll be moving our with his dad too. I have twins babies with my husband. My daughter comes to visit and says she si much happier with her dad, he is a great dad to them so I feel good about that but resent my husband for doing that and always will.
I'm guessing they are very close to their mom and you can't help that. They may not have been taught manners. My ex has never remarried nor has a girlfriend even after 13 yrs! But I do want my kids to give their future stepmom her place and hopefully she'll love them too.

Does your husband have joint custody, or does he just have the kids on the weekends? It may be that she has a closer relationship with her stepdad than with you. I'm sure it does hurt. You may just need to talk to her about it.