Thirty-eight Years Ago Tomorrow, My Husband and I Adopted Our Beautiful Daughter

My brother and his wife celebrate "gotcha day."
It's the day a new member joins the family in the adoption process.
Maybe something along those lines?

Why now, on the 38th, if you have never mentioned it before? Maybe wait til a "big number", like in two years on "the 40th anniversary of her adoption", or in twelve years on "the 50th anniversary of her adoption", and do something special.

You have been posting consistently since 2010 about your feelings of distress from your daughter not communicating with you and always asking you for money. It sounds like your daughter needs to work on her relationship with you...maybe she can do that over the next few years and give you an even better reason to celebrate.

ETA - we never say "adopted" - rather we refer to all of our kids as "when they came home." Our kids just happened to come home from different locations - some from the hospital where they were born, others from another country. It doesn't matter where they started, just that they came home with us :)

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Since we have adopted, I think I can relate better than those who have not and may not understand the complexities of a relationship that came about via the adoption process.

We also have not/do not celebrate our adoption day - only the boys' birthdays. Our homestudy agency "forced" us to celebrate it the first year only to have it turn into a disaster. The oldest boy hated to be reminded of where he came from and the younger two simply do not remember being anywhere but in our home. We never did it again.

I am guessing that your daughter was very young at adoption and doesn't remember anything but living/being with you. Not celebrating/mentioning it all these years probably doesn't even register with her since she doesn't consider it a "life event" like a birthday or other remembered milestone.

As far as mentioning it now, you certainly could. Perhaps in the context of a letter or a card explaining how proud you are of her and incorporating the feelings of what this day means to you. Instead of making the date the focus of the letter/card, make how you feel about her every day the focus, but recognizing that this date is special to you.

Good luck.

Friends who have adopted their children celebrate the anniversary of the adoption day each year. I think they call it something like "gotcha day" or "family day" and have a cake or do something special to mark the day. If you google "gotcha day" there is an article from Huffington Post in which the author, an adoptee, gives her perspective on this and how it's an important day, but it's not all about the celebration and how it's important to her to also acknowledge the loss side of the adoption equation. It's very insightful and something you might want to read as you think about this.

Cultural norms around adoption have changed a lot in your daughter's lifetime so it may be more common and easier for younger families to celebrate/acknowledge this important milestone in their family compared with decades ago, when adoptions were not really talked about. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't share this with her though - if I were you, I would just talk to her about it and see if it's something that she's OK being reminded of or not.

Of course, why not? Why would you hesitate?

I'm honestly very surprised that in (almost) 38 years, you've never celebrated this day with her. This is just as important to your family as the actual day of her birth.

You sound like you are afraid to mention it to her. Can you think of any reason it would be a bad idea?

I don't know why you would wait to tell her - 38 years? Why not just say it!? ANY TIME!!!

I hope you don't tell people she's your "adopted daughter" instead of - I'd like you to meet my daughter, Jane.

Please don't wait to tell someone you love what they mean to you.

I just glanced through your previous questions and there's a whole string of mother/daughter questions there where you seem to have some issues.

I'm guessing this is a bigger issue.

Is there more you want to add?

My friends who adopted their children often celebrate the day they received their children. However, this is nowadays (with small children). I don't know if that was the norm back in the day.

How have you celebrated it in the past? Would she be receptive to this?

I'm all for just expressing how you feel and believe there's nothing wrong with that - especially if it's all positive and heartfelt.

in all these years you've never celebrated her adoption day before?

that strikes me as odd.

as does your hesitancy over handling this with an adult daughter.

the answer is yes. yes, of course. of course you should celebrate this day. of course you should share with her how you felt on that day. of course you should let her know how profoundly and positively she impacted your life.

have you never done so before?

is there any compelling reason NOT to?

khairete
baffled S.

I’m confused - unless she has no idea she’s adopted, why wouldn’t you?

I have never done this. My son is 44 now and I don't remember the exact date as we had a 6 month "getting acquainted" period to make sure all was well with him and us before the adoption could proceed. The adoption was finalized just before his first birthday.

Son knows he was adopted and we have never made a big deal of it. He is my son and he has a sister (our biological) and that is it. We gave him a chance in life that he may never have had and I love him from the bottom of my heart just like my daughter. No difference in how I feel about either. I am proud of both. I tell them that they are special and that they are "papered". One by adoption and the other as we had to make her an American citizen as she was born abroad.

Just love her and go on with life. The date is special to you more than her. She loves you both and you are her mom and dad.

the other S.

I have an adopted daughter who was 6 when she was given to me. I suggest you only celebrate her birthday. Talk about how the day she came into your life and how you felt but not have a celebration for that day. I suggest a celebration of this day is for you, not her. A celebration for remembering an adoption reinforces that she was adopted, given away, and/or different. You were happy that she came into your life. She had very little to do with it. She needs to celebrate her birth, in the way all people do.

Your daughter is 38 and you've had issues around communicating. I suggest celebrating the day she was adopted is insensitive. If you have not been celebrating that day don't start now. That day is really more about you than her. You'd be celebrating your happiness.

I suggest you tell her you are proud of her and glad she is a part if your life without mentioning the day she came into your life.

I'm guessing you have thought of a celebration because you want her to know you love her. So just tell her that you're glad she is your daughter. I even more, think that a celebration knowing you're celebrating that day would further divide you.

A birthday celebrates her life. If that's not enough for you, do special things such as taking her out to dinner just because you love her. My daughter is now 36. We had lunch together today. She showed me love by the way she talked with me. I showed her love in the same way.

I suggest you figure out how you're contributing to the lack of a loving relationships with her.

Added: getting to adoption was a several year process. She was 12. We celebrated that day then and never again. I still tell her often how glad she's in my life. When she makes a decision I tell her I'm proud of her. I rarely make suggestions or give her advice. I will when she asks which is rarely. I notice when she's asking for approval and say something that indicates I approve even if I would do it differently. When she was 20 She had her first baby. She asked me to help her. We had a difficult relationship. After her second baby was born, we figured out what each of us needed. For me to listen without asking questions and giving advice and for her to ask when she wants information. Slowly I learned how to let go of giving advice and trying to get her to understand why I say that.

This journey to reach where we are now was long and difficult. I had counseling that helped me see that I could change my approach. Improvement is about me. I'm only responsible for me. When I let go of the idea she still needs a teacher we were able to work together on our relationship.

My daughter and her husband still need my financial help. I choose to give her money with no strings attached. It's my gift to her family. If giving her money irritates you, don't give her money.

Would you criticize a friend and tell her what to do? Do you have friends that you treat as equal to you? You take care of you and let her take care of herself. Your parenting years are long gone. It's past time to build an adult to adult relationship. Changing how you relate to your daughter is the only way you can have a loving relationship.