I have a 16 year old son who never gave me a day of trouble until he turned 13. By that point his father and I had divorced and both had remarried. At 13 he became increasingly rebellious and often (during heated arguments) would scream that he wanted to go live with his Dad. I felt it was going to be a mistake so I would tell him no. 14 months ago, after yet another argument, he told me the same statement. The next day, when I was calm I agreed to his decision. His biological father also agreed and said it would be better for him. He has since noticed that the grass was not greener on the other side and has often asked to come back home. He has been in 3 HS in 3 years. As a teacher, I know the importance of consistency, so I told him to finish the last year and a half of HS at his fathers and then he could move back. Until then he is to spend all weekends, holidays and summers at our house. My brain tells me I'm doing the right thing but my heart is broken. My ex-husband has already told him he is to leave at 18. Yet more emotional damage to my very sensitive son. What do I do???????????
bring him home. Is consistency better than his emotional well being? Maybe he can finish the semester at that school then move in with you, but dont force him to be there longer than he has to!
The only consistency in highschool is the geography of the building and friends. ALL of the classes change every semester. If he's willing to give up his friends to move home with you... TAKE it.
By the time he's graduated, he's an adult. If you want to have real sway over him, the time is NOW. Not when he's in college or working or in the military.
Ditto, I'm also in strong favor of working out a behavior contract. I also would suggest sitting down and working it out over a weekend WITH him.
Usually am I kind of a strict, no back and forth type person, but this story pulls at my heart strings too and I lean towards letting him come back home. I think Stephanie makes a lot of good points and I like the idea of a behavior contract before returning home. I think you also need to all sit down with him and explain that this is the final decision and there can be no more back and forth. I also am a bit uneasy with the "out at 18" business from his dad. I wouldn't feel too welcome in that environment either. This is really a tough call, but I think you will know which decision is right.
I would let him come home but be very clear this is it..no going back and forth.
Why does he want to come home?
Does he truly miss you? Is Dad too "hard" on him or so he thinks? Can he get away with more at your house?
How are his grades? Have they improved at Dad's?
Does he follow your rules in your house?
Right now Dad is the custodial parent. Of course he wants out because Dad is now doing all the disciplining. Myabe he thought it would be all fun and games and fishing with Dad. Then realizes Hey this guy is a father type and makes me do chores. He;s a teen and wants the easy way. Right now you seem to be that way.
He needs to know that if he comes home there will be rules. Rules that are not to be broken, drugs, alcohol, girls/dating/ car privileges, etc. Then there are guidelines that will always be enforced, curfew, you call when you are late. Friends football games, going to the mall. Homework, jobs, volunteering, sports.
THere are also consequences. No computer, going out, car, whatever.
These are things you need to think about and discuss with him and your hubby.
The out at 18 comment is probably uttered out of every parent's mouth at some point. We said it at first out of frustration. Then we meant it. We gave my son 4 choices after high school, college wasn't one of them. We said there are 4 bootcamps, pick one. That was the best decision we and he ever made.
I have a plaque that says "Mother's of teens know why animals eat their young."
Good luck to you.
Get him back now!!! He'll be fine in another school. It's stability at home that he needs the most. He has learned his lesson. Set some rules ahead of time, tell him how much you love him and go get him now.
I don't get a sense of what the problems are with his current living situation. Is his behavior enough of a problem for counseling to be a help? If so, make it a condition of moving back with you. Is he at least coming back to a school he already attended when he lived with you? that will give him some consistency. My experience helping kids move (as a case manager) was that if you talk with both schools and do a planned move it can be much less disruptive. If you want to move him try a natural schedule break like the end of a semester or marking period.
Hi, I don't know if I'm saying the right thing, but I think he needs a lot of love and communication. I think he needs to have a sit down with you. Have coffee or hot cocoa together and discuss things. My son isn't there yet, but I know as I was a bit of a tough kid myself to my mom. My thing with her was that there was hardly any communication with her. My dad was such a good man and still is, and no they never divorced, but I think this applies to single parents and married couples. Do you do any outdoor things together? Can you, will he allow it, or does he feel that it's a dumb thing? Don't hold grudges, even when this has all passed, he will come around and appreciate you the most. Children have a most special bond with their moms.
Dear E., This is a difficult situation. I do agree with consistency,as you said, but if your son is unhappy, will he absorb any lessons and do well? If his father has told him to leave by 18, your son must also feel unwanted.... very sad. Please follow your heart. I will pray for your decision. sincerely, Grandma Mary
I can't tell you what to do in this situation. I was in it when my son was 12. He found out the grass still needed mowed on the other side. He constantly wanted me to continue doing everything for him (drive, shop, etc) even through he lived with his dad. It was tough saying no, but children need to know that they have to live with their decisions and consequences. He moved in with a friend once he graduated HS. I helped him move and found furniture and stuff for him, but I still let him know my door was always open but he had to follow house rules. He moved back home when he turned 18 until he went into the Air Force 4 months later.
I don't know what to say about making him wait. If my son would've called me during the time he was at his dads and wanted to come home, I would've already been at his door before he could tell me what time to come.
When he does return home, make sure you have set rules and boundaries in place prior to him returning that he agrees with. Write up a paper listing it all and have him sign it..like a contract. When my son returned home, we did the same thing. He agreed to watch his baby sister during the week while I worked 7-3 and he and his brother alternated weekend sitting 3-11. They both got paid, so they really didn't complain too much.
If he is that miserable, the only consistency he is going to have is being unhappy. Let him come home to where he is wanted and he knows he'll be safe.
Bring him home to your house. It isn't that big of a deal that he has had several schools. He needs to know he is welcome in your home. I can't stand the "out at 18" mentality. How unwelcome a child must feel! And, I hope your husband doesn't expect his son to take care of him in his old age. He's learning how to take care of family. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is a pet peave of mine. We need to love our family!!
If I were you I would bring my son back home where he belongs, but set some ground rules having him sign a contract that clearly states what is expected of him. As for his father telling him he has to move out when he turns 18 let me just say he is lucky he doesn't live in CT because in our state he can't make his son leave until he is 21 and that was told to my husband and I by the DCF about our oldest son. In CT DCF can tell him he must do XYZ or has to move out but as parents we can't, until he turns 21 he is still legally our responsibility. As a parent of 5 children, a girl and 4 boys and 3 of which are now adults, 1 is going on 15 and like your son is in his rebellious stage and our last 1 is 11, I can tell you the teen years are what make us go gray but in the end our children do come around and realize we are their best friends and support and that our door is always open along with our hearts.
Hugs
T.
He has almost 2 years left. Let him come home. Just let him know that if he does, he is with you for good.
Don't turn your son away. He needs to come home let him. There are times when we have to lead with our heart not our head. In my opinion this is one of those times.
I think emotional stability is the most important thing. If he's not getting it at his Dad's, I'd let him come home. He will be fine in school if he get's what he needs at home. (Wasn't he in that school when he lived w/you before?) I would let him know the rules still apply, and as long as he can live w/that then he can come home. Normally I would be all for the "You made your bed..." thing, but at this point in his life, I think his emotional well being is more important. You could also use it as a teaching moment. This time he was able to change his mind, but in life we can't always do that. So it's important to really think through our choices before we make them. Hope it all works out for you (and him!)
