I just started reading this book, and was wondering what other Mommas out there thought of it. Which principles did you use and where they effective? Did you really see a change in his behavior, and your happiness level? If you hated it, why? If you loved it, Why? I am trying to find a way to reconnect with my husband after years of us pulling apart. We have done therapy and that saved our marriage after his last affair, but now I am looking for ways for our bond to become and remain truly strong.
To those who asked, the book is called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. We did watch Fireproof together, and enjoyed it, but I will not read the book because it relies too heavily on the bible. I understand that a good marriage takes 2, but when it comes down too it, you can only control yourself, so making me the best me I can be is all I can do, and making me the best me means being the best Mother and Wife I can be.
So far it seems those who say they do not like it have not actually read it, and those who have liked at least parts, so I will continue reading. From what I have read so far it does make a ton of since, and in no way puts down woman, in fact it does imply that woman have a great deal of power and control. The ideas in it seem so simple, and yet so few woman in todays society know or see them. I have a feeling if they did, there would be a lot less divorce. It really can be as simple as remembering that you are still a wife even after you become a mother, but in no way says you should put the child last. So far I have to admit I am enjoying the read. Thanks everyone for your input.
We did go over the 5 love languages in therapy and have found ours and learned ways to relate to each others language better. We decided against the love dare because it does rely so heavily on what the bible says.
Update: So I finished the book. I thought it had some great things to say, and said a lot many woman in this nation today would benifit from hearing! It also said some things I thought were less important or "good" for todays woman. Over all, I thought the first half was better than the second half, but it was well worth the read. The most important thing it said that I think many of us forget is that we do not stop being wives when we become mothers. I think that remembering a few basic and simple ideas like that could greatly reduce the amount of divorce we see today. Men are not our servants, we are partners. Although I did not agree with all her points, I would recommend the book to any woman I know.
I read it. Some interesting things to think about - but a bit over the top for me. My grandmother gave the best advice about relationships I've ever heard, "you can't love someone you don't respect". That includes ourselves. First respect who you are and know your needs. Be gentle and kind to your husband as well as YOU. Expect the same in return. I agree with the recommendation of the 5 love languages over this book. Good luck!
No matter what... it takes BOTH partners... to work on the relationship and marriage. In tandem.
Hopefully, your Husband as well, is putting effort into the marriage too.
But everyone needs inspiration... for which this or other books, may appeal to you.
There is also a book called "The 5 Love Languages" which is supposed to be good, and applicable.
A MUCH better book is "The Five Love Needs of Men and Women" by Barbara Rosberg and Gary Rosberg. It's for both husband and wife and is so practical and it helps each spouse see the value in each other and how to relate and understand. My hubby and I both read it before we got married.
I have a major problem with the fact that all responsibility for the success or fail of the marriage is on the woman's shoulders. It makes men to be weak, spineless, easily manipulated "pets" who only require sex and food.
Sex is encouraged to be used as a bargaining tool to get what you want.
Dr. Laura is very derisive toward women. No small wonder......she was "the other woman" in a few situations herself.......is it any wonder that she looks down on wives who can't seem to hold onto their man?
"5 Love Languages" is also a great book! I have heard that The Love Dare is fantastic, but I haven't read it.
What I don't understand is.......when there are so many great books out there to show you how best to relate, to wholeheartedly love your spouse, why would anyone choose to get beat down by Dr. Laura?
Wishing you the best!
I have not read it and won't. It is just not for me. Like someone else mentioned, it was too generalized men too much when I looked into it.
Our "secret" to 25 yrs together is communication. No topic off base, just talk talk talk.
Other than that, at least a weekly date. This can be anything from a happy hour, nice dinner, golf outing, walking through the mall ANYTHING to be just us talking about whatever is on our minds.
Best wishes to you, I hope it works.
I honestly have never read that book, but I was curious so i just looked it up and read some key points in it
. My Opinion...books like that drive me nuts. I think people pay too much attention about what other people say a "great" relationship is. Instead people should just pay more attention to their own relationship and fix things that go awry when they come up.
Please don't take any of this as an insult to you. I do not mean it that way at all.
All relationships are different, and that book seems to generalize too much about what Men are "really" like. They're all different.
My husband and I have not had to deal with these issues yet, knock on wood, but I was curious, or what the book was called?? I guess I can never be too prepared. :) Also, "Fireproof" is a very good movie to watch together. (There is also a book) The acting is pretty terrible, but it is a great movie to watch as a couple.
I haven't read her book but I am familiar with her theories.
I read a different book called Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin that has a lot of similar concepts - the woman has more power than she thinks to save a marriage, many aspects of feminism hurt a marriage, etc.
When I let my husband be the leader, stopped trying to boss and nag, stopped the power struggles and let those things go, our marriage did have a HUGE improvement. FAST, too.
I disagree with always being available for s*x. I don't think you should use it for bargaining or withhold it as a punishment, but if your husband isn't being kind and you're not in the mood, then no.
Overall, although lots of people disagree with Dr Laura, I think she does understand men well and I think she does have a lot of very good points.
I haven't read the book, but it seems interesting from the post on here. I also would recommend the movie Fireproof. I practically dragged my hubby there on a Thursday after a long day at work for him. He pretty much went kicking and screaming ( not really but he didn't understand what was the big deal initially and why we couldn't wait until the weekend, he wasn't very happy). When we walked out of the theater, his whole mood had changed, so had mine. We talked the whole ride home (30 minute drive cause our local theater wasn't playing it, also a reason he wasn't happy intially) and still recommend it to couples, even newlyweds, today. I applaud you for wanting to build your marriage rather than walk away like so many others do. I always tell people it's harder to work at a marriage than anything else. It is so easy to just get a divorce. People don't understand the vows we make "for better or worst" God doesn't tell us how good or how bad it can be, but those are the vows we make. Congratulations on working on something very sacred and valuable in a day with not much else is.
I loved this book and still read it when I start to get irritated over....well....everything. I can honestly say this book had a lot to do with turning around my marrige for the better
I've read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," several times. If you read it, you'll find the book was primarily written by Dr. Laura's readers and audience. Dr. Laura just organized her readers' letters and comments, put it in a logical order and supplied the commentary to make it flow. It helped me understand my wife better. Its written about 75% for women and 25% for men. One of the things Dr. Laura said in her book was, "Good men are hard to find, but not hard to keep." I agree whole heartedly.
The book addresses some of the things my wife have been arguing over for decades before the book came out. She didn't believe any man would have my opinion until I talked her into reading the book. Then she found there were lots of men that felt the same way I did. It helped her understand me better. I think it goes a long way towards helping women understand men.
I liked the book so much I gave a copy to each of my married kids. Some of them read the book and some of them did not. One daughter in law refused to read the book because of the title. She asked me if there was a book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives". When I said, "No," she refused to read the book. When I tried to explain why, she interrupted me and said, "I don't care. I'm not reading it."
There are some who mistakenly think the book says men are weak, spineless creatures easily manipulated by food and sex. Either they haven't read the entire book or they must think women are spineless creatures easily manipulated by sweet talk, flowers and gifts. Both comments about men and women are untrue. I don't think that if someone likes BBQ ribs or roses, that your giving them what they like makes them spineless or easily manipulated. Some say Dr Laura beats women down or denigrates them. Not true, although if you disagree with her, you might feel beat down because she supplies so much supporting documentation and is so good and eloquent when making her point.
The movie, "Fireproof" is a good marriage movie. My wife and I and two of our kids and their wives watched it together and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. There is a companion book, "The Love Dare", that details how men and women can establish communication, and be nice to each other to improve their marriage.
Good luck to you and yours.
I'm kind of "eh" on this book. I don't like the author, but even people I don't like *can* have a lot to teach/learn from.
My problem with it, is that (scanning only), a lot of it is just how I am. I'm a hedonist who follows the golden rule. So I try and make other people as happy as I can. Freedom and independence... pampering... kind words... listening... paying attention to likes/dislikes/wants/needs and -without shorting myself- try and fulfull those before they're asked for...etc., so forth, and so on. I make a kickbut #TWO in an org, or personal assistant.
In relationships where BOTH people are being kind and generous, thoughtful & caring... these type of behaviors WORK. I have been in some STELLAR relationships where we literally fed off of each other... and a kindness given is thrice returned.
But it takes 2. I'm in an abusive relationship. NOTHING I can do will make this man either a) happy or b) return kindness with kindness.
The OTHER reason I'm less than sanguine about this book is the attitude that children come last. Adults can take care of themselves ... children DEPEND ON US. We are their only. In a *good* relationship, with caring partners who both love and want the best for their kids and each other... where the kids are placed in the social structure doesn't really matter so much. In a relationship like mine, and like so many others... my son HAS to come first. If I don't look out for him, my H sure as hail will not. The very idea makes me cringe. So I see the concept as being very very dangerous. Especially in a relationship that is rocky. Relate it to food. Most kids can skip a meal and they'll be fine. SOME kids though, missing a meal is their norm, and others... it can cause severe health and mental problems. So the whole idea that kids come last sits very very poorly with me. It's a generalization problem that is awash with this book.
So are there some good things in the book? Undoubtedly. Are there some major blindspots? Absolutely. It's pop-psych. One person's opions and observations (just like anything posted here... and I give it as much credence).
Personally I like Gottman a LOT better. His work is amazing, and very, very unexpected in many ways.
I do not know this book but the author is know to be very conservative. I don't know your style so you can always go to a book store and skim a few pages.
John Gottman has written several books on marriage and couple's communication. He has been researching in this area for decades and looks at couples talking and/or arguing is great detail to do the research (he can tell by observing which couples will separate or stay together with a high degree of accuracy). I assisted in research related to this in grad school and it was very interesting. I can't summarize everything but the 2 big roadblocks to communication were shutting one another out (refusing to talk at all) and being defensive when talking.
when my husband and I are having problems in our marriage we watch the movie "The Story of Us." Always lookin for a good way to make our marriage better so I'm intrested in that book. What was it called?
I have read this book... I agree with some points.. but it comes down to communciation of each others wants and needs... and time for each other and yourselves. I like the advice DM gave... right on the dot!
Good Luck
You said last affair? How many has it been?
I have to see that I was also curious about the book because I have see the tittle pop here and there.
So I went a read a reviews. I have to say that I really thought (because of the title) that would be something about how woman should be cleaning the house with one hand and holding our 5th kid in the other while preparing a 4 course meal that even Martha Swart would be jealous and all these while wearing stillteos and a balck sexy dress and pearls, and when husband comes home you ask, baby, would you like to have sex first and then eat or the other way around?
But for what I read (like I say I didn't read the book, only some review) it sounded more like the woman have the power.
I even laugh about some points that came in the book like Men Are Not Mind-Readers (yeap, done that), Women Err in Favoring Children Over Husband (done that too, and he have also tell me how great mom I am :) ) and others that they do make lot of sense.
HOWEVER, I was little let down when I read that she won't do a book about how The proper Care and Feeding of Wifes, Hmmm.
I mean, it sounds like if she is saying that is only up to us to make a good marriage by being only us the ones that have to understand the men?
Again, like I say, I haven't read the book, I could be wrong, I did read that she won't do a book for men in how to treat their wifes and that was kind of turn off for me.
But, I am a strong believer that you can learn something from everyone/everything. I can see how some of the points in this book could be good for your marriage, I would take what I think can work for us...and I would look for a book about How to take care of your wife for him too.
