The Perfect Child - Eatontown,NJ

My kids are perfect. So are yours. There is no more perfect way for a child to be than to be who they are, even if that means they have difficult days. So keep the perfect child image if you want, but change it to know that your child is already the perfect child she was meant to be.

Bad behavior doesn't mean our kids aren't fabulous!! I know my daughter is bossy, my middle son is emotional, and my baby (5) is a lot of work! But they are all also so kind, smart, loving, compassionate, understanding, should I go on? I wouldn't change any of them, even when they change their colors at school or don't play so nicely with friends or siblings. They are who they are. I am a BIG believer that we can't get to TODAY without everything that has happened in our past. So you have to let her be her, let her make mistakes and learn from them...just love her :).

Hi M.,

First, stop beating yourself up for getting caught up in idealizing what a child "should" be. With all these articles about perfectly behaved children in the media (as long as you have the current 'perfect' parenting technique down pat...until the next one comes along... ha ha) it's really hard to remember one dirty little secret:

Those people with perfect kids aren't telling the truth. They are either lying to themselves or to us. Either way, it's a fantasy.

Reading "The Essential Conversation" by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, ( a book about teacher/parent conferences and worthwhile reading!), one constant grabbed me; in her interviews with both parents and teachers, there is a focus on acknowledging both the strengths and weaknesses of each child. EVERY child has them, and has both. Anyone who is bragging about their 'little precious' isn't likely to tell you that their wonderful progeny got sent from the dinner table the other night for making fart noises. ;)

That's their ego talking, right? And it's so sad that anyone feels they have to keep up with some crazy new international parenting trend. But we see it all the time.

As a preschool teacher, I have felt pressure to have a normal, well-adjusted, well-behaved kid because that's my job, and as they say, the proof is in the pudding. I had to realize, pretty early on, that just because I was a preschool teacher didn't make me any less Kiddo's mother, and that I was going to be in for the same challenges that every mom was in for with their kids. Children tend to do better for strangers and try out their worst behavior on the beloved, trusted parents. Maybe because they know that the parents will not feed them to the wolves, ha ha... who knows?

I'll admit that I am, at times, also frustrated with my son. He has some vision issues and a non-verbal communication challenge that we work with him on all the time. It can be a discipline in and of itself to know when to work on these things and when to just let my hair down and be mom. I'm getting better at it, but it's a work in progress...

But he is pretty happy. And that is a very deep consolation.

What might help you is to do something I regularly did during conferences, and did recently in filling out kindergarten paperwork for Kiddo. Make a list, each, of your daughter's strengths and weaknesses/areas which need improvement. Admittedly, at three, a child's immaturity will *of course* work against them. But with that immaturity comes their sense of brightness and spark, of play and wonder, of unlimited imagination. These are things we should, by all means, value.

Yes, competing with other parents will burn you out, make you dislike your kid (for not living up to imaginary expectations) and make you dislike yourself. NO ONE is perfect. Perfect is a lie. It just is.

I'll add one last thing, which I hope helps, and it's this: when teaching, the kids I remember the most of all are the ones who are so truly imperfect, still working on their needs, the challenges of growing up-- what I remember is not their imperfections, but how they rose to those challenges in time, solved those problems with adult support, and how wonderfully individual those children were. The kid that got sad at drop off and would need to sit and look at the coins they brought every day....who eventually didn't need to have that security item anymore? The kid who would push other children out of the way who eventually learned to be a good friend and let others go first? Personal development at its best, overcoming those challenges. My job would be SO boring and far less stimulating with a room full of perfect kids-- and it would also be so much less meaningful.

Bring on the honest, the real, the imperfect!

I'm glad you are noticing and confronting this now, when she is only three.

My daughter benefited from the fact that I had raised two stepchildren who were 20 & 17 when she was born. I had a lot of experience with kids that are great and unique but not "perfect" as they grew up. I was able to relax and enjoy who she was from the beginning, and I think that has allowed her to be her special self in many ways. She is by no means perfect, but she is unique and interesting (which is much more fun in the long run as a parent).

I don't have any magic advice about how to become a "lightened up" parent. But noticing your actions is the first step. Next, try listening to her and observing her at play and just enjoying getting to know who she is at this age.

You can change the way you think and feel by changing the way you talk to yourself. Stop focusing on wanting her to be the perfect kid and start focusing on what a wonderful little girl she is. Look for ways to appreciate her as she is. When you catch yourself comparing her to other kids or to your perfect ideal stop yourself and remind yourself of the happy times you have with her or of some wonderful goofy thing that she's done.

I can relate how you are feeling! I I just kept feeling ( and sometimes have doubts now ) that my oldest son is not what I pictured. I really thought to myself that if you are not a push over and you give them love that is enough. Well let me tell you, it is not! My son sometimes can be so difficult and yet I look at my friends son and he is not perfect but damn he is easy compared to my son! I started seeing a therapist for multiple reasons and she really did help. She said I probably feel this way because parenting is not what I pictured and it is very important to me to have a really good kid. I still have anxiety about wanting the " perfect " child and he is not what I pictured him to be but sometimes I just need to take a minute to myself and realize I am doing the best I can and that helps. It's not like you are sitting back doing nothing, having a drug problem, etc. You are doing the best job you can and kids are born with a distinctive personality, you just need to help her learn how to make the right decisions and she will. Its better she learns from a small mistake now instead of a huge one when she is 15. Hope this helps and makes sense....

hmmm, you puzzle, me

i can get being disappointed because your DD isn't the teachers favorite, My son was but my DD is not,

and i can understand having that vision that your kid will be the one that shares nicely and all the kids love, but no one pushes around or takes advantage, I get that, Who wouldn't want that cookie cutter kid.

But what are you actually doing about it, i wasn't sure by what you wrote???
Is it a question of you needing to learn to give Dd time to process school and instead of drilling when she gets in the car, you tell yourself to be patient and spend a little extra time at bedtime listening while she talks to you in the dark??

Is it gentle instruction????, like, if Izzy slaps you in the head at play time because she is reaching for the ball and your accidentally get in her way and she accidentally conects with you, don't knock her down and kick her go tell the teacher or tell IZzy to say she is sorry for the accident.

Or is it rehearsing how you want her to act before you show up for the big recital and she refuses to go on stage?

I guess we all do feel that way at times, like OMG that is not my kid up on the chancel steps at church picking their nose.

but if you genuinely don't like your kid, then that might be another issue, and I'm not ragging on you, because my Dd and I definately do not know how to show love to each other in a way that we each need. I need her to sit on my lap and snuggle when i get home from work and she needs me to do cartwheels WITH her in the front yard ( lol, this mama has never been able to do cartwheels). I just aked my husband tonight if we needed family counseling because I was so frustrated with my dd.

So if that is your question, you are not alone, don't be so hard on yourself, but learn from it and be better, I guess is what i would say??? Don't give up.

Edited to add: I missed the first time through that she had a learnind disability. are you getting her help for that??? If she works with a therapist they can be wonderful sounding boards for you about this topic. There are lots of online support groups that might help you feel better too.

Have you heard that gem of a story?? about travelers thinking they were taking a trip to Paris ( cookie cutter kid) but end up in Holland ( special needs kid), Still beautiful and wonderful but so vastly different, take time to wrap your head around where you have landed.

Did your Mom or anyone else, do that to you as a child???
Trying to make you into THEIR image of what they want, instead of letting you or rather, allowing you, to be yourself?

No child is perfect.
No Mom is perfect.
No one can compete with others, unless they want to.
It is a choice.
And it is a choice, to play keeping up with the Jones' or not.

At least, you are realizing it.
Try imagining, how this will affect your daughter, each year, as she grows up. And how it will either create emotional issues in your daughter, nor not. Negative, emotional and mental issues, in your child... because of displaced expectations upon her. From Mom. And then she may think she always has to be like others... in order to be, valued. That is not good for any child.

Maybe think... would you want your daughter, a child, to be "burdened" by that same mentality... that she always has to keep up or one-up, everyone she meets??? If so, then no one will want to be her friend.
I know a woman like that... it is really noxious, being around her... and she does not have real genuine friends. Because she is so... overbearing or always trying to one-up, everyone. It only shows, how insecure she is and how controlling. No one really likes her.

I don't know, my late Dad taught us to be ourselves. Then, he as a parent, VALUED us for ourselves. Because, he knew that we are individuals. And no one is the same and we each are unique. Not a template.

Its good you are seeing this now... before it gets, too compulsive and affects your daughter. Intrinsically.

Oh my goodness I felt like that! And then one day I thought what the heck am I doing? It occurred to me I'm not the perfect mother!!! and what the heck is that anyway? They grow up in spite of us. And quite happily in many cases. Do not be disappointed in yourself. Just worrying about this and tell yourself that means you are doing a superfantastic fabulous great job!!!

It sounds like you just gave yourself your own advice in your post. There is nothing I can add to what you just wrote, except that you are exactly correct in everything you said.

Now go and enjoy your daughter for who she is, and remember there is no such thing as perfect, anyway.

And by the way, by three years old you can have a pretty good idea of exactly what type of person your child is going to be. How she will do in school, how social she is, how athletic, how creative, etc. etc. For all the pushing and cajoling and manipulating and battling I did with each of my three kids, they all grew into pretty much the same people they were in preschool, in spite of me. (They're all pretty uniquely great so that's not a bad thing.) The only thing I'm glad I did is push them to try things, but then let them quit if it wasn't their thing.

I can understand. When I was pregnant with my first, my dd, and when she was an infant, I had the same ideas in my head. But the older she got, the more we realized she was not typical. At 2.5 years old we finally got some answers when she was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. (Not saying your child has any issues like that, just telling my story.) Boy did that send me for a loop! I love my children more than my own life. All I've ever wanted was for them to be happy and healthy. But part of me also thought they would be the perfect cookie cutter kids. ;) With her dx I had to come to terms with the fact that she may never be "typical". So, her speech may be late. That doesn't mean she is lacking in intelligence. Far from it. She is brilliant. And she definitely isn't the queen of sharing, and she doesn't have the best social skills yet. But she is beautiful. She is funny. She is kind. She is loving. She is silly. She is brilliant. She is a hoot to hang out with. She has so many things going for her. I think the biggest lesson I learned with my daughter is to not focus on what she cannot do yet, but instead focus on all the things she CAN do. I think the lesson can apply to any child, and the more we embrace it, and give our children and ourselves the freedom to just be, the easier and happier life can be. Obviously, still push for the improvements. ie with my daughter, she is in a preschool just for kids like her. she gets speech therapy there, as well as twice a week at home. I no longer get upset or frustrated because her speech is delayed. I work with her, encourage her, push her, but I also enjoy and praise her for what she can do now. :) I can relate also to wanting the cuddles, and instead having a daughter who wants to rough house and play. That is my girl to a t. It sure makes me appreciate the hugs and kisses when I finally do get them though. ;) Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try again. And if you have a bad day and fall short of what you really want...guess what...you can try again the next day. :)

Aaaaaw, it'll be FINE M., don't worry!

It IS really an icky feeling when you find out from SOMEONE ELSE your own kid is not EXACTLY as you thought she would be!

But I can tell by your post, you WILL adjust, SHE will adjust.

In the end, she will be JUST what you want her to be, and YOU will be just what she needs you to be, ok?

You would only suck as a mom if you refused to entertain the idea (via someone else) that she's not perfect in every way!

:)

maybe you feel the need to compete because they (other mothers) are competing. Try dropping out of the social scene (media included) for a while and focus on YOUR child and her special traits, the small things that always make you smile (they are there, just slow down and cherish!). Do the things that she loves: maybe coloring, blowing bubbles outside, baking cookies, ANYTHING! She IS only 3, and yes, she will have less than perfect days, because maybe she's tired, or over stimulated, or a kid at school said they didn't want to be friends, and the lunch was crappy.. OUCH! What a crushing day! Give her a break (and yourself!), and re-connect with her. Go for an ice cream, or a short walk.. when you start spending special time with her, YOU might feel better about who she is, and who you are, as her mother. Let go of "keeping up with the Jone's" She's your baby, only 3 years old, who gives a Rat's A$$ what anyone else thinks? JMHO

There is no such thing as the perfect child, or parent for that matter. I think as women we are quite hard on our daughters because we have certain expectations. Unfortunately, those expectations are for ourselves really and it gets blurred somewhere along the line as to who they really are and what WE expect. We base that on our own failures sometimes or what we would have done or could have done. Try to remember that your daughter is not you, she is an extension of you. Some similarities, not an exact duplicate. Accept her for who she is and work with her issues. Don't drill her, explain the way things should work and always tell her you love her no matter what. I experienced this with my youngest. My older 2 were self sufficient, went about knowing what to do and by the time my youngest came about, I was quite spoiled with the behavior of the other 2. My youngest was afraid of everything, suffered alot in math and history, hated school, just had a hard time all around and was incredibly needy. It took the advice of my wise 94 year old employer to set me straight. She was a wise woman with 4 children. I needed to be a mother to my daughter and understand her, not try to make her into something perfect. I put things in perspective and tried to see the world from her eyes, instead of mine for her. It changed everything. I now know her limits, her attributes and we work on it together. We also talk about everything and this would not be the case, had I not adjusted my thought process. And yes, have fun with her as she is, the fact that you accept her for who she is and try to help her when she needs it instead of drilling her about it, will make all the difference. This will allow her to know that she can come to you with anything, good or bad. Good Luck.

Hi, I don't know what to say, as u know ,.... Please don't think in any other way, I am giving u a live example of how your daughter feel when she becomes little bit aware of what is happening. It's me... My mom used to compare everything with every other kid, as they r the kids of her friends, n I used to live up to my moms expectations. But u know it will b frustrating, even though I hate that, but for her I have done everything... Later now I am regretting my life, as I didn't enjoy my innocent age... Later even though I love art side, or fashion designing.... But she want me to do engineering.. As her friends kids are joining... Well the result I didn't do properly... Later I dint get time to do what I want.... Now I am not so sweet with my mom. U know teachers pet it not. If kids love what they do, they will be loved by everyone, as they excell in everything they do if they love. Just let her enjoy her every moment... If u think she is not doing the way u want... Help her .... But make her studies a fun moment.. I have son.. I dont want to repeat what my mom done so I will help him do what he likes... But discipline is necessary.... In that section I had to learn... From u all, as I give lot of freedom to him... Just started disciplining... Please don't be heartbroken... In future u will regret... And help with her studies or anything and let her be a happy kid always, as u know everybody fells refreshed to see a happy kid... And if she is up to date with her studies or anything... She will get praise and if kids get used to praises, without us annoying parents,,,, they will do everything by themselves to get praised... U just have to work hard for few days, later she will come find u to help her with her stuff for next day. Even my brat, eventhough he is hard to handle, he puts his shoes in their place and few things, as praised him... So that I will praise more.. He was just 2 at that time, now turns 3 next month, he didn't change and he searches for what I praise him and do that. And u don't have to worry... She will become teachers pet if she experienced it once she will make sure she will be loved everyday... Trust me.. Nowadays kids are too damn intelligent..

I just read this great book : Pressured Parents, Stressed Out Kids.....

In it, they discuss how we are biologically programmed to compete. So it literally is our genes making us anxious with worry when our kid goes to kick that ball and he/she misses!

Hi M.,
Just my opinion, just my feelings....
First of all, you are talking about a three-year old kid!! OMG She IS perfect, she is a treasure....she is perfectly unique!...It is just common sense, there is NO perfect child, but happy and successful children do exist. If you keep thinking this way, your child will be unhappy and unsuccessful. It is Ok to encourage our kids to be good, kind, respectful and excel in different areas... life.... but always it is good to remember that they are human beings.
As moms, we always want our kids to be perfect, likable and lovable; however, reality is that we cannot be liked or loved by everybody and we cannot like or love everyone..It is just life, we are just not perfect not even we, moms, are perfect!. However, we can do something , we can educate and raise our kids in the best way possible and with all the tools we have handy and we have learned over time, we can teach them to be good, obedient,kind and respectful; we can teach them to be positive and helpful; we can teach them to be confident. We can give them wings, but we have to let them fly and explore, and learn by themselves with us being their guides, only guides. We cannot ask our children to live our wishes, hopes or broken dreams, but we can ask them to live their lives with the values we teach them everyday, and this starts from the beginning when they are little.
It is an utopia to believe or ask our children to be perfect, they will misbehave, they will be naughty, they will make mistakes and we just have to be there for them to guide them, but we are not there to live their lives. I try to do my best educating and raising my children, and I am sure that it will be always something that I will leave behind, but we are not perfect either! Just do what you can with what you have learned and let your kids to be happy and thrive in life. Train yourself to be patient, and choose to be happy everyday with all the ups and downs in life. Spend and enjoy every single day with your little one the way she is...she is a perfect God's creature.....