The Overbearing Mother Pt. 2-Kind of a Rant

I've never heard of a baby shower for the grandmother. This is crazy! Are people actually planning to attend? The kicker is that YOU'RE invited. That cracked me up. I think I want to be invited just to see what the hell is going on! :-). She likes attention, whew! Take her in small doses.

Wow. She really does like all the attention to be on her. So she is planning her own party???? Amazing. Hang in there. You are going to need all the strength you can get. :) Maybe you can make a grand appearance at the end to show who the real deal is about.

I don't know whether to laugh at the craziness and audacity of that idea or cry over how pathetic and desperate and transparent her need for attention is. Holy cow, really! Bless you for dealing with her with patience and grace. Maintain firm boundaries and a sense of humor, you'll need them!

And Toni V I don't know if you completely mid-read the post but this isn't her mother-in-law and isn't biologically speaking ever her mother but an "off her rocker" pseudo-mother figure who really, really has boundary issues. Read M.'s question from a while ago and you'll see what she's dealing with.

Now that I've stopped laughing so hard that I can wipe the tears away, and can re-read the post to make sure I read what I read... she's throwing a baby shower for herself for, uh, YOUR baby? And you're invited? How generous of her to invite you.

All she had to do was get her friends together and say, "I'm having an I Get To Be A Grandmother Soon Party because I'm so excited that my son and his wife are expecting! Celebrate with me! We can have coffee and scones!" It would be weird but not whackadoodle weird where "shower" implies she's expecting baby gifts for herself as if it's her baby.

Oh sweet heart, this is so much more than just an overbearing mom. My mil used to do the same with my sil. I lived too far away to do it to me. I read your other post. People are going to get tired of me telling people this but when I see this kind of control issues, especially telling you this is her baby, but I see red flags for another kind of illness. Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot of times psyco docs will diagnose bipolar when it's really BPD because insurance will pay for the bipolar diagnosis. Look on line at the 9 symptoms at BPDFamily.com. I tell you this because they have lessons on how to talk to people with this illness and really any difficult people in your life. I have stopped talking to my mil but my H still does have low contact. When he gets off the phone we react the same way you do! This woman is CRAZY! They have a board on the site too, that you will see posts just like yours. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and a peaceful birth of a healthy baby!

I am so sorry!

I went back and read your other post too.

So sorry. That is all I can say...that and 'just wow'!

~Whatever happens I do think you should practice making 'I statements'...as in *I* will call you when *I* am ready for you to come visit the baby and *I* would appreciate it if you do not send a lot of materialistic stuff, *I* know you mean well....however, *I* honestly do not have the space for all that un-necessary stuff but thank you for the thought.

((Big Hugs))

Of course it's nutty and breathtakingly self-centered. It's also a pathetic plea for your attention. She was trying to get you to react -- either by coming to this weird event (IF it ever happens) and confirming her craziness as OK, or by resisting and giving her an excuse to play the angry and hurt martyr.

Wisely, you did neither (I think -- it sounds as if your brush-off was pretty mild). Good for you.

But do take care. As someone else noted -- be absolutely sure you have a hospital and written birth plan that ensure only you and your husband can be present in the room when you give birth, or I think mom might just turn up and steamroll you at the moment you most want only your husband there. And you mention that you are going to your home area for the holidays -- oh, my, that sounds like a can of crazy for her to open. Once you are physically there, she will probably pressure you hard to attend this ridiculous "shower," figuring that if she nags you face-to-face, you'll cave. Be ready for that; have somewhere else you have to be no matter when the event is scheduled. It's no lie to say, "Thanks for inviting me again, but Husband and I already have plans to see his family." That's true, yes? You don't have to say that your planned outing is not precisely at the same moment as her shower. Just that "we already have plans." Do not let her get to you. Frankly if I were you I'd be sure to control every single interaction with her over the holidays with great care, so that she cannot cajole or guilt or argue you into anything. I hope you're not staying with her!

It's time now, before the baby comes, to be prepared to hear "I thought I'd come stay for the first few weeks to help you with the baby" etc. From her behavior it sounds as if she might try that, but you should nip it now before it even gets started. Be clear that you and your husband want no visitors for the first four or six weeks or whatever time you determine. (And stick to it!) Then if she wants to come, ensure she gets put up at a hotel nearby -- not staying with you! It sounds like she could make the first months of motherhood tough for you if she swoops in claiming she'll "help," so you and your husband need to send the message BEFORE the baby is born that you want privacy.

I know your post is just about the "grandma shower" but I foresee some ongoing problems with self-centered mom hogging the limelight and intervening once the baby is here, too.

*So this is your Mom, or your Husband's Mom?
your post says your, Mom?

O.M.G.
How.... self absorbed?
People do not throw themselves, a baby shower, much less a Grandma one.
Etiquette mistake.
Oh well, she doesn't care.

But yes, you do not have to attend.
But she "timed" it for when you/Hubby would be there for the holidays.
Still, you do not have to go.
It would be interesting to see... how HER invited invites, are RSVP'ing to her own "baby shower."

Yes, just laugh it off.
Make your own plans to be away from her party vicinity, at that time??? Or you will get wrangled up in it and have to attend????

But as you said, she is an OVERBEARING Mom. This is just her most recent.... drama.

Just watch out... once your baby is born... she might go off the deep end in her sense of control... over you AND your Husband and baby.
Keep, aware!!
You will have to get used to... telling her things like "I am the Mom..." "Thanks but this is my baby... me and my Husband decide..." "When I feel up to it, I will call you to visit.... me & Hubby just want to be by ourselves with our baby and have our own routines..." etc.

A grandparent shower is great for close friends if grandparents will be babysitting. I am sitting for my 3 month old five days a week and a shower would have been nice but never would I really expect it. I just bought what I needed. Maybe she just wanted to have a party with you and share your happiness. Let us know what this turns out to be. I am sure she will tell you.

she is kinda nutty.
i'm not sure why felt it it necessary to piddle on her parade, though. i'd simply have politely had something else to do that day. now her goofy party will be tinged with disappointment that her daughter clearly disapproves.
why not let her have her wacky excitement? it's not hurting anybody.
khairete
S.

lol yup a nut case.

But I will say all my mom's cronies throw Grandma showers FOR EACH OTHER ( not for themselves) sometimes the actual mom's to be can attend and there is a baby shower then the grandma shower immediately after. and sometimes It's just a grandma shower when the families are too far apart. It probably started because they wanted to celebrate but not all of grandma's freinds would be invited to the mom to be's actual shower. They give things to keep at grandma's house when the grandchild comes to visit.

but you situation: Nut Job!!

Wow! Way to make it all about YOU, grandma! Pfffft.

Yes, your mother does sound off. I read your first question and it sounds like she is trying to relive her loss of her baby years due to her mother mostly raising you, by living vicariously through your birth and baby adventure. My inlaw as were crazy horrible about the gift thing, I eventually had a big blow up with them and it calmed down, but it should have never gotten to that point. Some people just have zero respect because they are too excited to see reason. I have gone through some similar issues with my mother... who has always *hinted* around with living with us and guess what.. now she is! She also came to visit to 'help with baby' and that kind of turned into a permanent thing. Sooo... if you don't want her to take up residence with you permanently, you and your husband need to give her ground rules, and you need to be firm with them. People like that, they get an inch of wiggle room, then it becomes a mile and the next thing you know they are calling the shots. When she can come visit for baby and when she needs to leave by. As for her trying to pry her way into the delivery room, tell her up front that she will not be in there. ALSO, let your Dr and nurses know that she is to be removed and asked to leave if she doesn't leave when it is time for you to start pushing. I had to do that as well!

As for her 'grandmother shower', I think I would probably attend anyways. I wonder if she will not have a very good turnout, given that it is a time of travel for many people.

Wow! Everyone is just piling on!
I admit--it's different to say the least.
But maybe she just wants to celebrate becoming a grandmother with her friends? Can't you stop by? Then they can all pat your tummy! :)

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She sure is CRAZY! I am sorry you have a mother like this. (So do I, unfortunately). My mother is a different kind of crazy, but crazy is crazy...

Anyway, do NOT go to your mother's "baby shower." The definition of a baby shower is a party for the pregnant mom-to-be - NOT for the unpregnant un-mother to be!

Your mother should be throwing YOU the baby shower - not her!

She is obviously an attention seeking drama queen in which you should have nothing to do with! In addition to crazy, it is very sad. She is obviously not happy or well. Please do not go and do not talk to her about her ridiculous "baby shower." Just ignore! Good luck!

When is the baby due? She's going to curse the whole experience with this kind of nonsense.
Sorry Mega, you have a sticky situation here. She really likes a lot of attention. I can't imagine too many Grandma's wanting to come. Are you sure she's not having this for you and claiming it to be for her?

Will she be babysitting a lot so she needs baby things around too?

It is your husband who needs strength. He has to deal with the two most important women in his life and it doesn't seem like either of you are making life easy.
I suspect the gifts your husband's mother will be receiving will be given to your family for your new addition. Do the words "gracious" "compassionate" "patience" ring a bell?
Stop your laughing at your husband's mother and start being a stronger wife and mother.
Do you know if your husband's mother ever had a baby show for her kids (your man and his siblings)?

Wow! My mom was excited when I was preggers with our first. But not crazy excited just excited to be a grandmother. She came after we were home with our daughter and was helpful not nuts! When she told everyone I had had the baby at her office, they made a sign for her office door. I thought that was great! My parents lived in CT and I was in Houston. So I shared my pregnancy with her over the phone.

I'm sorry about this. I do like the fact that you and your husband laughed and found humor in the situation. I remember your other post regarding your mother. You are going to have your hands full with her. =(

That just proves she has issues. She just desperately needs attention. I would shy away from such an event, too. If she brings it up again, say, "I already said I would not attend. *I* am carrying this baby, not you. Please stop living vicariously through my life."

Keep doing what you need to in order to have a good, healthy pregnancy and a happy child down the road.

Remember, even though she might feel that nobody had to adopt you, the fact is she was so far strung out, you needed someone else to raise you. So this is again about HER and not you. You're doing nothing wrong. She needs therapy, not a grandma shower. I'd work on those boundaries because you do not need her moving in with you when the baby arrives. Etc.

Yep. That's crazy. It's also kind of sad. What would you think if she were a neighbor and not your mom, or a family friend and not your mom. Would it bother you as much? Or would you view it differently. From the outside, it's kind of sad that she needs that attention.

ETA: Could it be her clever way of surprising you with a shower for you?

Wow, that is really too much. Was she really planning on throwing a baby shower and keeping all the baby gifts for herself?? Make sure you are giving birth in a hospital where the staff has a buzzer and people dont get buzzed in unless they are on your list. The last thing you need when you are in labor is some loony bursting in, lol. Good for you for sticking to your guns and not going to your mothers grandma shower. It would be nice for you to.have a shower for yourself while you are in town, if you are on good terms with your MIL, maybe she could arrange it?

Yes-about you and that unborn Grandchild of hers.