The Other Family - Divorce Issues

Try step-parenting for dummies. ( ONE OF THOSE FAMILIAR YELLOW BOOKS)I know you aren't a step parent, but it has great advice for the situation as a whole.

I am divorced too and had to relinquish my 18 month old every other weekend too- complete anguish at first. I see you are located in Dallas as am I. My ex and I had a very talented counselor in Plano named Honey Sheff. I have recommended her to several people and they have all had similar experiences. She was incredible at helping us deal with issues like this. Her # is:###-###-#### and her office is off the toll road. You will be served well to have a third party present who will help you stay focused on the point without getting into the emotional weeds and reasons you are getting divorced in the first place. I haven't dealt with the issue of girlfriends but perhaps, if you can be objective, maybe her presence is could be a good thing. You are not dealing with sight unseen sitters, for instance. Maybe Nana (I am DIEING with you on that one- SO inappropriate!) is nurturing and kind. I think you should meet them and show them what a great Mom you are and build some bridges of communication. My point being, while it sucks, you can possibly make it work to your benefit. I also highly recommend the book "Mom's House, Dad's House" which deals with these issues. There's also "Joint Custody With a Jerk"- rude name but good advice. Dr. Sheff has a book list on the subject too which I can fax to you or you can ask her office to. Divorce is awful but sticking as close to the new routine/schedule will benefit your boys. Predictability is good for them. It's probably weird for you to have an empty home periodically. Use that time to take care of yourself and renew your energy. Good luck- you will get through this. I did!

I feel your pain, but honestly, there's not much you can do about it. He gets to live his life however he wants to as long as he's not putting the kids in danger.

I am a stepmom and wasn't introduced to my stepdaughter until DH and I were engaged.

Some divorced parents fail to put their children first. We have a friend who not only introduced his girlfriend to his 2 young girls (after he hadn't seen them in 4ish months because they live outside the US), he chose to sleep over at his girlfriend's house while HIS parents slept at his apartment with the girls! And what's worse, the girlfriend has a young girl of her own and they just found out the girlfriend is PREGNANT! How many stupid decisions can one man make? Obviously, quite a few. ;) Of course, I've heard of women making just as many bad decisions as men.

Anyway, the best advice I have for you is to keep your routine as consistent as possible. Make sure your home life is as stable as possible. Your house will be the foundation they will look at if the girlfriend doesn't work out. Allow your children to talk about the girlfriend, don't act upset if she does nice things for him and if it ends, let them be sad about missing her. Since your oldest is 4, he probably looks at her with the same affection that he looks at a pre-school teacher. I see my 3 year old son kiss and hug his pre-school teacher and exchange 'love yous', so look at it that way. Kids that age can be very affectionate, but don't forget, there's only one mommy and that's YOU!!! :) It doesn't matter how many other females love my son, I still trump them all. ;)

I read some good books when I first married DH because his relationship with his EX isn't the greatest. I'll look up the titles and send them to you...

You might also try some online support boards. Ones I like are
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psdivorce
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam

I have the same situation and I deal with this ALL the time. I also have the girlfriend acting like their mother...even in front of me! Truthfully, the best advice I ever got about it was to learn to accept that there are some things in this situation that you will absolutely NOT be able to control. You have to find a way to let it go. Take comfort in the fact that you are the primary caregiver and that you will be there for them no matter how outside things affect their lives. It is maddening...and will cause you much misery if you don't find a way to unhinge from it. The kids know who their family really is. I try to look at it as well, at least the girlfriend and her parents like my kids...they can't have too much love...even though I don't particularly care for the girlfriend. At least she doesn't resent them. I've had many talks with my ex about it, to no avail...so I just try to let it go and worry about TODAY and my kids needs at the moment...not any future losses they may encounter...which I have no control over anyways.

Hello! I have 8 kids, 4 with my ex, 2 with my husband, and 2 steps. All the kids except the older two call us Mom and Dad (they were also the ones who got put on the most pressure by their other parent). It is their choice. My ex and one of my husband's exes try very hard in putting a wedge between the kids and the "new" parent and it only hurts the kids by putting a lot of pressure on them and limiting who and how they can love. It is terrible! The one step who's mom is supportive, calls me Mom. He lives with us 100%. They have mostly overcome it, but you do not want to be someone like that. My oldest boy is still suffering a lot because of his biological dad's need to destroy me and the step dad. My husband's ex that doesn't want my daughter to call me Mom makes her call her stepdad dad... major double standard and hipocresy. Anyway, like the other moms are saying, the adults need to think of the children first and forget their differences. The fact that your ex is living with his girlfriend is not a good idea but as long as they are all loving and welcoming to your children you should celebrate that they have more people to love on them. You can't worry about your ex breaking up and the next "loss" to the kids, but if you have an open communication with your ex, you may want to address your concerns with him directly and out of earshot of your little ones. Our exes cannot be talked to or reasoned with which makes it very hard, but with a lot of love, understanding, patience, and immense God's help, they are all doing fine except for my oldest son who went to live with my ex and is not allowed to love me or anyone associated with me. God bless!

Hi A.! I am giving you advice from the step-mom's side. As long as the father is taking care of the children and not harming them. As long as the girlfriend is being good to your children and the Grandmother for that matter too...Put your children first. If they enjoy being with them, then whether you are happy with the situation or not, you need to support them and put on a happy face. Otherwise the children will be put in the middle, whether on purpose or not, and it will do alot of damage. In our situation the Mother was so totally against our relationship that not only did she ruin her relationship with her son, but she made it very difficult for us to have a good one. Again, if your ex is taking care of the boys and they are healthy and happy, that's all that matters.

It is a difficult situation, but the "adults" need to make the best of the situation and put the children first, not your feelings. As long as they are loved and know that they can 'like or love' as many adults as they are lucky enough to have in their family, they will be okay.

Good luck and I will pray for you all!

T.

I am a divorced mom (one son--6) and I really have no idea how you would handle this situation. I am fortunate enough that I don't have to deal with my ex, but for my friends, they just tell me that they let their kids know how much they love them. Don't bash your ex to your boys-- as hard as it may seem at times! They will know who is always there for them, in the good times and the bad. My prayers and my heart are with you.
E.
P.S. Kids are more resilient than adults!

A.--I've had the same experience with my brother, who changes girlfriends every couple of years. He moves them in and his daughter gets very attached to her and her family. Then after a couple of years, he moves on to another, usually with kids of her own and extended family as well. As it would be with an ex-husband, no one has control over his actions. Even though you know it's coming, there is no way to prevent it. Wait and see if it happens. If it does, then yes, find good counseling for your children. Urge your ex to go as well. Hearing what he needs to do as a father will be better received by a 3rd party than from you. Then pray...pray...pray. Being divorced and remarried myself, I have learned that eventually when kids reach an age where they can understand more about romantic relationships, they will then see their parents actions more clearly. I have a teenage son who is just realizing that his dad is not always truthful and it bothers him greatly. I've tried to help him realize that his dad is human and has faults like everyone. While not excusing his behavior, my son needs to realize that people are the way they are. Good luck.

I know it would be irritating to hear your kids call her Nana, but you could be just getting a small part of the story. In our family, Nana is Nana to everyone...grandchildren, neighbor kids, friend's kids that come over, everyone calls her Nana. She may have been introduced as Nana, and like for us, the kids would be shocked to know that Nana had a "real" name! (It's kinda like how we lose our identity and become "Jacob's mom") Try thinking of it as they are including your kids as grandchildren and not making an issue that they aren't the "real" grandkids. Favoritism later on would be harder for the kids to understand. I would also have to agree that the kids stay the primary focus through it all. I wish you all the best!

I've been there. I left my ex when I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter - leaving us plenty of time since then and now to have found new significant others. My kids call my my husband Daddy - which seems only fair because he is with them more than theirs. He has had the same girlfriend for a few years and ironically, my son feels very close to her as she is a director at his previous preschool (we moved out of the area and left the school - not because my ex started dating her).

I know it hurts him that they call my husband Daddy, but kids will do what they are comfortable with. As much as it would hurt me to have them call another woman Mom - or some variation, I know that it's better for them to have an environment where they love and are loved.

feel free to email me personally, I've been through the whole spectrum of things with regard to our split!
C.

Hi A.

I am sorry for all the pain you and the family going through.I am currently going to family therapist with my husband.It has been a whole lot of improvements in our relationship.Sidney Starling 2143549985/2145323568/.
The best book that she recommended to read and helped a lot to understand eachother is The five love languages by Gary Chapman!!

Get on www.childreninthemiddle.com and check out those resources. It would probably be well worth your while to pay to consult with Brad - the owner and developer- to understand how to deal with the situation,communicate better etc.

I am a divorce lawyer and use Brad almost exclusively in situations like this. He originated teh program for divorcing parents that is now court ordered and used by the Parenting Center. Don't try to handle this on your own. You owe it to yourself and your kiddos to get objective support. J. D.