The One Year Old That I Watch 5 Nights a Week Sleeps in Bed with His Mother

This sounds like a terrible, horrible situation for the poor child. No child that age should be left to cry by themselves for more than 15 minutes. There is something very wrong with this situation and probably the poor child is not tired because he has no stimulation until 12noon!! Mom needs to get another sitter who has time and energy to do what it takes to fully care for this child's needs.

This sounds really frustrating. If you've told her that you can't continue to watch him but nothing has changed, then you need to actually quit. Give her notice - tell her that you are quitting as of xxx date. And then quit! Good luck.

I don't know the whole story and neither do any of these moms. They have no right to judge you in such a harsh way.

Ladies, this is the BABYSITTER who is watching a child against her wishes. If you want to mentally or verbally crucify anyone, I recommend you direct your angst to the child's mother.

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Hi X.X. - it sounds to me like you are more interested in studying than really watching and caring for the child. If you are babysitting, that is what your responsibility is. I wouldnt want you in that position. sorry!

Find a new job...babysitting is NOT for you.

oh my gosh! if you let my child cry for that long I would be pissed off, and fire you on the spot.
Their is nothing wrong with co sleeping, and I don't know why you are babysitting if you don't have time with all your study. Take out some student loans and let the poor baby be looked after by someone who will comfort his cries.
Sorry if this is harsh, but you really should appreciate his mothers wishes in how she wants to raise her son.

I agree that there seems to be some information missing, but we shouldn't be abusing anyone-verbally or otherwise.
First, as a sitter, you really can't tell a mother how to raise her child. If she wants to co-sleep, that is her right. She doesn't need to change her parenting styles to "help you out".
Second, if you are in a disagreement as to how to take care of him, just talking to the mom isn't going to help. You need to either set some strict rules as to how your relationship is going to work with your room-mate or you need to move out.
Lastly, there may be some things that you can do to help the baby fall asleep & still get your work done. Even though you may not agree with it personally, you can lay with the baby until he falls asleep. Then, do your homework. Are you trying to get him to sleep in the same room with you while you study? I'm guessing that you also have some kind of light on to read. Take him into the room that he sleeps with his mother & lay down with him. Once he's asleep, leave the room. You can set the bed up so that he won't roll off.
There are really lots of ways to do this. Be creative. It really doesn't have to be a battle between you and his mom.

As a person who is trained in child development, I wanted to share that it is potentially emotionally damaging for a child to cry in a crib for that length of time. It can lead to a host of issues later in life. I am stating this for the purpose of prevention not to judge. A child of this age it not able to directly tell everyone how he is being affected. Beyondconsequences.com, drsears.com and thepostinstitute.com are a great resources for learning healthy ways to work with children's behaviors. Each resource also has books and videotapes available. I do believe that you care about the child or you wouldn't be watching him still. It is difficult to study and take care of babies, as I was a student and mom for many years in the past and I am again, a student and mom, with a three and five year old. It is possible, though difficult, to divide attention back and forth between the child and your work. A gentler more attentive bedtime would help this child and his emotional future. I understand that you are not the mom and you may feel that she is the one who should do the research, but other caregiver's can make a huge difference in the way they handle children and their ability to have resources is also important. While this is a more difficult child behavior to manage, not all parents put children in a crib to sleep and it can be traumatic for those kids to be placed in a crib to cry themselves to sleep. That may be why he is unable to self-soothe. The crib can actually be scary from the child's perspective with its high rails. Lastly, the Post Institute and Beyond Consequences are great resources for how a parent or caregiver can keep themselves regulated so that everyone feels calmer. R., MSW, LCSW

First I have to say, shame on all of these other mothers for being so harsh towards XX. Mamapedia is supposed to be a caring and open forum for parents/caregivers, etc to ask questions but NOT be judged. It sounds like we don't have the full story here so to be so critical & mean-spirited towards XX is just completely unfair!

To me, it sounds like you're at your wits end w/this little boy as well as his mother. Think hard, other moms, we have ALL been very frustrated w/our kids at times & have sounded angry about it so even tho XX is the babysitter, she's talking about things we've all felt as moms. A child his age should be able to put himself to sleep & self-soothe but it sounds like he is very unhappy for reasons we don't know. And to be paying XX $1.60 is ridiculous! None of us pay our babysitters this pitance of money! We pay our sitter about $15/hr & I know of other sitters who charge $20 plus so XXi s WAY under paid!

So, XX, it sounds very clear that this arrangement is just not working & that you've already informed the mother about this. Who's name is on the lease of the aprartment? If it's just you, then I suggest you have a talk w/her, let her know that things need to change & if she's unwilling to do that, give her a certain amount of time to find another place & move. If it's just her name or both of your names on the lease & she's unwilling to make some changes & step up to parent this little boy, then you find a new living arrangment. Tell her your plans, & give her enough time to find another roommmate & move on. Best of luck!

This sounds like it's your problem, not hers. I sleep with my kids and any sitter that we've had I've made it very clear how our children go to sleep. If you don't like it, quit. It's not a baby's fault you don't have time for schoolwork, it's yours. If this is your job, then the baby should be your priority not your homework. Sorry to be harsh, but I would fire you in a minute if you were my sitter. She has a right to sleep with her child if she wants, regardless if it's inconvenient for you.

a lot of moms co-sleep with infants. nothing wrong with that. if you're babysitting this child, you pretty much have to do the things mother does. if that doesn't go in tune with your schedule, then you have to tell the mom for her to look for someone else. your post is very unclear

I think I have the answer......no where in that whole paragraph did you mention any type of play, or outside time. He probably is not tired.....he has done nothing to work off any energy or any of his food. He needs to be out and about playing. I know that one year olds can be a little hard to manage, but is there a park or a safe place you can take him to let him play while you study? Or a playgroup during the day that you can let him play for an hour with other children to tucker him out to take a one or two hour nap?
His mother sounds like she might need some parenting classes, because if you are putting him down to bed around 8:30-9:00 pm (assuming) and she is making him sleep until noon or later......that is too much sleep for a little boy who is not active.
If you would like some suggestions on things to do with him to help him use some energy so that he is able to go to sleep, please feel free to email me directly and I would be happy to share some things that have worked for my children.

Are you watching her child, because you are paid and she has asked you for help, or she is just "using you" by default, since you are there too, and are more responsive to her child when sleeping? Your headline said "the 1 year old that I watch 5 nights a week sleep in bed with his mother." So... is there an agreement that YOU are the babysitter, and watch him? But he sleeps in bed with his Mother, and you STILL have to watch him?

Moms, have different ways of putting their baby/child to sleep. The Mom does not seem very interested in how her kid goes to sleep, since she does not do anything about it. For the past 6 months.

Does the Mom just ignore him at night? That seems real neglectful. This is HER child.

You have told her you cannot do this. So don't. If her child is screaming and she does nothing about it, it is her problem. Tell her she should either do something about it, or hire a babysitter to watch her child at night. Because you CANNOT do that. Nor be feeling that you "should" do that, just because you are the room-mate.

The MOM has to decide... how to care for her child, and attend to his needs. The child is probably also protesting because the Mom herself does not attend to him. You said she does not help you out... BUT this is not your child. It is hers. So you should not 'have to" help her out... SHE should be caring for her child. Unless she is not home, then she should be getting a proper baby-sitter. Not you, just because you are there, in body.

My point is: are you the "babysitter" or not? Or just having to do it because the Mom is not? Tell her you quit... since it is too taxing on you... and you do not want to do that. And you have different ideals on how a baby/child should sleep.
And the Mom does not seem to "correct" you on how she wants HER baby/child to be cared for or put to bed. Since it has been going on for 6 months!

Also, maybe her baby is just hungry? Does the Mom feed him? Many babies will not sleep if hungry and going through growth-spurts... or teething. But that is for the MOM to take the lead in.

All the best,
Susan

Well, first off, there is nothing wrong with her sleeping with him. Second off, does she know you are doing that to her child? I'd, personally, be livid. Can you rock him? Do your schoolwork while you sit next to him in bed so he can sleep? Wear him in a wrap, sling, or baby carrier so he can sleep and you can work? Obviously letting him cry is doing nothing, so I'd try something else. I never made my kids learn how to put themselves to sleep. They learned it when they were ready. Just lay down with him until he falls asleep, then sit in bed and do work or leave. If you are too busy to adequately care for him, is there someone else that can?

"He is not abused or neglected"???? Seriously, letting a one year old cry for over an hour is NEGLECT!!!

I cannot even imagine letting one of my children cry for that long when they clearly need the comfort of someone to fall asleep. Whether it is convenient or not, someone should go to him. If the mother is home, then she should do it, or if you have agreed to care for him then you need to.

If I ever found out someone was neglecting my child like that I would freak out. This just makes me cray thinkin this little boy is totally ignored at this age. WHat is wrong with people??

In the meantime, while you are deciding whether to quit, waiting for the mom to take an action, doing research on sleep methods, etc.... Have you tried studying in his room so you are in the same room and he can see you? If talking soothes him, do your reading out loud (Not quite the same as reading a children's book, but it may lull him to sleep just the same.) It sounds like you agreed to watch him because you thought he would mostly be sleeping, and you would mostly be able to study, and maybe you're rushing him to bed. I guarantee he senses your frustration and that will definitely NOT soothe him. Try to take a deep breath, slow down a little at bedtime, and the extra effort will make a difference for both of you. Even if your decision is to move on, until that time, you are obligated to put the child over your studying. The mother of this child is out to lunch. What mom is ever able to sleep until noon, even if she does work until midnight???

The way I am reading your post is that you aren't really a willing babysitter, but that you have sort of had this thrown on you, which interferes with your own life. The child's mother is the one mostly at fault here, however, you are as well. You make it clear in your post that your method is not working. I feel for you in that this is not your child, but I have a real problem with letting an 11 month old scream for hours. That is not right. The victim in all this is not you with your interrupted schedule, and not the mom either with a babysitter she can't count on, it is this baby. With being left to cry for hours every night that you are there, you are reinforcing his separation anxiety, and just making it worse. You don't say what his mother's method is, or how it is when she is home. And you don't really say what your agreement is. But if you are being counted on to take care of this baby, whether you agreed to it or not, you need to do so. You wouldn't leave him crying if he was hurt would you? To him, he is hurting. This is damaging to a child.

What I recommend is that the mother read some books on how to get the child to go to sleep on his own. When she finds some methods that she is comfortable with, you need to discuss them and figure out which method will work for you also. (I think you should also read some of the books to realize what it going on in that baby's brain when he isn't responded to and has such an inconsistent routine.) Then you BOTH need to do them, all the time. Every single night. I'm guessing that if mom works most nights, she is more than happy to snuggle him to sleep on the nights she gets to spend with him. Be understanding of that. But this situation really needs to change. It will take a little time, but you have aready been doing this for 6 months, you can see it isnt going to just change on its own. But at this age, he is ready to be taught to put himself to sleep, in a nice humane way. I say TAUGHT, he obviously cant do this himself. Most babies don't just automatically know how to fall asleep, it takes work. And this is a good age to do it, don't wait or it will just get worse. I struggle with a child that is a terrible sleeper, and inconsistency is your biggest enemy. I am not siding with the mom in all this, nor am I siding with you. My sympathies lie with the poor baby that is feeling alone and scared. You need to do something to fix this. Or move out. But if that isn't an option, try to work with the mom to make this better.

Hi XX........you sound so frustrated. I'm sorry.........this situation doesn't sound like what you signed up for when you said you wuld babysit to help his mom. You probably thought that this little boy would be an easy overnight "job".......he's not.......although he sounds like a normal 11 mo old to me, it's not something you were ready for.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices:

* You can adjust yourself to soothe the baby in the way he is accustomed to, by laying with him, as a mother would. This would make him fall asleep quicker and more secure, then you can continue your studying....
* Or, you can end your living arrangements and let the REAL mother deal with her own child, and you can carry on your school-life, yet only to find another job.

Although we don't have enough info on your situation, it almost sounds like the mother is home at night, yet you are the one caring for her son. Tha'ts weird to me, as usually a babysitter is hired to care for a child when the mother isn't around........so, that part I'm confused on.

In the end, it's all about the little boy.......he's innocent in the situation, so we need to find a solution that works for him, too.........but that's not your responsibilty........it is his mom's......

It sounds like you need to "soul search" to find out what you want to do with YOUR situation. the mother seems fine with the situation, but you're not.

You cannot make the mother change her ways, and you cannot make the child change his......you can only change your own life.......and how do you want to do that?

I truly wish you the best........

~N. :o)

You've gotten a lot of flack over your post and I'm sorry that it came out like that. I feel bad for you in your situation. What I heard you say in your post is that you feel you have to babysit this child and don't really want to because you are in school to go to school. This mother can get child care paid for by the state, all she has to do is apply. I went to college full time, at different times I went full time in the evening and different times full time during the day. So, whenever my classes were I would find a child care center open those hours and take my child. You are in a large city, there are centers open 24 hours a day. She may have a small co-pay but it shouldn't be much more, if any, than what she is paying you.

Option 1: My suggestion, if you are happy with the apartment other than the babysitting job then perhaps you could suddenly "Find an evening job" and have to quit. That way she would have to find other arrangements and then you could have our evenings free again after the job didn't work. You might find college work study in the library or some other place you could just transition from a few hours of work and then to a desk to study.

Option 2: Otherwise find an apartment on campus, I lived the happiest in my life on campus, in married student housing. They should have various types of living situations to fit every need. Dorms, Married student housing, Quads, etc...my financial aide paid all my bills for the whole semester/year before I got any cash so I had free living. My phone, cable, and utilities were included in my rent package. I only had to buy food and car expenses to live.

Option 3: On the other hand you have accepted this job, that is what it is. A JOB. So, do some research on attachment parenting and baby wearing. They may help you find ways to deal with this type of child rearing. It may not be what you would do but it is what she has choosen for her baby. Do your studying at a different time than when you are "at work".

Sitters who are willing to co-sleep are very, very expensive or very, very close friends/family. Co-sleeping is a personal choice that cannot be made for someone else and DOES need to be consistent. It's part of Attachment parenting, not Convenience parenting. Even if it's more convenient for her to have him in her bed 2 nights a week she's doing him a disservice by confusing the nightly routine. She needs to rework her son's sleeping arrangements, find a sitter with more like-minded childrearing practices or both. You cannot hire a partner to share in the rasing of a child for $1.60/hr... she is shortchanging her son if she thinks this is reasonable. Roommates split up for issues much simpler than yours. Your approaching this forum speaks to your concern for this child's welfare and I applaud that. Hugs and prayers for you during this difficult time in your life!

I feel sorry for this poor child!!! Made to sleep all of the time to be out of everyone's way. First, you should never have agreed to babysit just because you are the roommate. The mother is taking advantage of the situation. I can only assume that the lack of pay is due to the fact that Mom said the baby would be sleeping most of the time. The baby, I will assume is not sleeping for you because he is made to sleep until noon because Mom is sleeping. What mother gets to do this?? She can nap during the day when he does. This has nothing to do with co-sleeping. It has more to do with playing and entertaining this child. If Mom is sleeping until noon and then leaves for work in the late afternoon when is there time for the child to have an opportunity to "get worn out" with play?? This is a terrible situation for this baby!! You need to tell this mom just that. As far as the comments go that are stating that people are being judgemental - of course they are!! That is what life is about. That is how one decides what is right and wrong. Yes, this site is suppose to be a source of encouragement and help but we can not pretend that something is not desperately wrong when it is. A baby made to be "quiet" all of the time is cruel. I know that I do not know the details but I have seen this scenario many, many times and if Mom can not deal with the time it takes to properly care for the baby then something needs to be done. Motherhood is about a lack of sleep especially with this small of a child and it is about self sacrifice. If mom can not deal with this fact, she needs to think of her child and what is best for him NOT herself. If the sitter does not have time to entertain the baby until Mom comes home (if that was the deal) then don't take the job. I am really tired of hearing so many moms complain about their babies not sleeping so much. Not every person requires the same amount of sleep and that goes for babies too.

It sounds like you may need to get yourself out of the situation completely but in the meanwhile...If he's sleeping with his mom from midnight to noon perhaps he's not tired at the time you are putting him to bed. A 10-12 hour sleep per day plus two 1-2hr naps should be plenty for his age. If he's expected to sleep thru the entire evening until 12 pm the next day it's no wonder he's fussy and crying. Could you just try letting him play quietly nearby while you're studying until his mom comes home?

Maybe you could study in your bed and let him lay down next to you? He is just a lil' guy...wouldn't it be easier than trying to study while listening to him scream for 1-2 hours? Make him comfy cozy on the coach next to you or something?

IMO-If you were babysitting my kid and let him scream for 1-2 hours....you would be replaced right quick!

I would say to not babysit anymore as long as you disagree on how the mother is parenting her kid. It's her choice on how to raise him and help him to sleep. If you disagree with that then she needs to look for other babysitter or pay you more so you can give full attention to the kid in those ours. good luck!

If he's in his crib until noon every day, he's probably not ready to go back to bed at a decent hour. What time are you trying to put him down? His mother needs to understand that he can't wait until noon for attention and stimulation. Is there any way you can put him on the floor to play for an hour or so before bedtime? I feel sorry for this little guy.

You should not be the babysitter for this child. If you are babysitting, then your primary concern should be the needs of the child. If he happens to be asleep then maybe you can study. but your focus should be the needs of the child. Leaving him to cry for an hour or two is totally unacceptable. you don't mention this but are you getting free rent in exchange for this babysitting? It seems unlikely that anyone accepts $1.60 an hour unless you are getting free rent. This poor child is suffering terribly and you seem to be a contributing factor. If you don't want to be a good interactive babysitter then you should find another living arrangement.

Problem #1: $1.60 an hour is not enough to take responsibility for someone else's child. Period. I think the going rate for a babysitter is $10 per hour. I used to sit for my friend's baby on a regular basis and I charged $7, because she was a friend.

Problem #2: He doesn't sleep. If he were sleeping anyway, and she's just paying you to be there, that's one thing. But it sounds like something is going on. Either he's sleeping too much during the day or for whatever reason he won't sleep. Therefore, you are more like a daytime babysitter. I would tell her that you won't listen to him scream. Keeping him up is either not an option for you, or you have to charge more because it prevents you from doing other things you need to do (e.g. homework).

Whatever you do, the status quo cannot continue.

This posting obviously caused a great deal of excitement because even though you are the babysitter, you seem to be putting your needs before that of the baby as well as the Mom's wishes. Working for $1.60 is not enough money perhaps to justify doing that, in your defense. The whole situation seems bordering on neglect, both from you and the Mom. However, it is not your place to tell a Mom who is hiring you to babysit, what she should do, attachment parenting or otherwise. If there is a neglect issue (ie the baby is not properly cared for when Mom is asleep) you can contact DCFS. If you feel you cannot care for the child properly, you should not be babysitting and should remove yourself from the situation. You might be able to find a better babysitting job, however, you should know that parents expect you to take care of their children when you are being paid to do so, not study or do your own thing.

Something is not right for a child to be able to cry for 1-2 before going to sleep every day and then within 15-20 minutes of waking he is doing it again. Are you saying that when she is home she lays down with him to go to sleep?
Could you do your reading laying on the bed as he goes to sleep? Do you like the baby, and he you? How is he when mom is around? Could it be separation anxiety? This crying is not good for him emotionally, especially if you are ignoring him. He is not going to be cured by inattentiveness and tough boot camp methods. His self esteem could drastically be affected by how you treat him while in your care and away from his mother. And another tip, remember that one day you may to leave your child with someone, you want your child to receive the care you would give him/her. Now if the mother is absolutely spoiling him she is not being fair to either one of you. I hope you two can come up with a solution. Tell her about the book An Essential Practical Guide to Family Living.It is a great book. It is available on www.destroyingyokes.com website.

I have a son who is 20 months old. He still needs a parent to lie next to him when he's going down to bed. My friend who's baby is 14 months old still need to be rocked.
I feel sorry for the child if you just let him cry for 1 to 2 hours!!!! He's still very young. I do not believe babies at 1 year old normally fall asleep by themselves. I have another friend who drives her boys around in the car to get them to take their naps. It's a real struggle!! If you are not committed to watching him, then don't. She can't make you! If you have to move out!
You seem like you're at your wits end. I know being a student is hard. Hopefully, you find a way to concentrate on your studies. Baby-sitting for a 1 year old and studying do not go hand in hand. Sounds like she needs another sitter.

I don't really understand what is going on here, either. Is she at work at night? Is that why you watch him? Then how does he sleep with her but go to sleep with you? Are you being paid?
Not knowing these things- My first thought is "does he have his own sleeping space?" Like a crib. Or a pack n play. Children learn how to sleep on their own if you provide them with the tools. If he is just laying on the bed screaming, you are being neglectful.
If he doesn't have his own bed, try laying down next to him and reading. He'll fall asleep.
Personally, I would suggest that you move out. Also- If the mom doesn't know you are doing this: Shame on you. I hate to make that assumption, but there you go.

edit:
Actually, "xx" did not say that she told the mother how she is "handling" the bedtime. I'm curious as to whether or not she told her that she left the baby screaming. I don't think she should be a doormat, but I also don't think she should make a baby suffer for letting herself get into the situation. She can move out. College or no, work or no, "situations" are changeable.