The Loss of His Father

J., I so relate to your loss. My husband passed away in June of 2005, leaving me with my beautiful (then) 3 year old. We have been through some rough patches too. At one point, she was showing anger and frustration and would not even talk about him. As I prayed, it came to me that she may think her dad left her behind willingly. So I sat down and explained that her dad loved her more than anything and would never have left us behind. He simply could not feel better any other way. She settled down almost immediately. Your son may have another issue that is bothering him but I believe if you will pray and expectantly listen for the answer it will be revealed to you. Please feel free to contact me at any time. You are not alone with this.

Right now your son is not only feeling his pain, but he is feeling your pain as well. Children at his age can see through to the pain in your heart even when you try to hide it. What your son needs right now is all the strength and love that you can give him. He is lashing out because he is in pain. One thing that you should try to do is to move on with your life. Everything is sad and depressing and that is what your son feels. If you start doing things that make the both of you happy, he will start seeing that life and those around him can be happy again. May God be with you both in these very hard and troubling times.

I asm so sorry for your loss, J.. I know it must be hard on both of you. He's not too young to see a psych you know, maybe if he had someone he can talk to outside family. This is just a suggestion. Let me know if you try it. Talk with your primary care and see what they say
Queen

awww sweetie.....i feel for you.....i too had a little boy with sooo much inside that he would hit himself and burst out at school just like you little guy. he is now 9 and absolutely wonderful....the ONLY thing that he needs right now is a man in his life that will nurture him and supply him with an outlet for his energy and emotions. (just as men are different than women, boys are from girls) there is a safety that you CAN NOT give him.....it sucks but its true......i actually took my boy out of public school and homeschooled him because i didnt feel that the structure was adressing his emotions as well as he needed.....turns out he is gifted and school was slowing him down.......the main thing is that male influence...not a boy-friend of yours as much as someone who will take this seriously and not bail out on your son....one more thing......get him a diary and write in it whatever HE wants.......he will express himself and you two will have some bond time as well!! good luck!

Hi J.,
Sorry to hear your loss. I imagine it is not an easy thing. Please do not be too hard on yourself nor your son. Your son is most likely still grieving his daddy, while having to deal with everything else that comes with being a child. Sometimes their lives are harder than we think especially when they have lost a dad. J., you are on the right track. You are doing your best and have lined up a counselor. I think that is a great idea and will help you and your child. Thanks for doing your best!!

I can only imagine what you are going through. Keep in mind your feelings of hurt and how you can sort out a way to deal with him...your son's little brain can not deal with this. I really don't know what to tell you to do my son had some anger management issues a while back and the school counselor talked with him on a weekly basis and eventually she got through to him. I did get my son a punching bad and tell him to take his frustrations out on it punch that or punch his pillow or other alternative ways for him to take out his frustrations instead of hitting himself.

Hopefully the counselor will be able to help him maybe he just needs someone to talk to about it all besides you.

If you ever want to talk email me.

I'm so sorry to hear that...I wish I could help!

J., I have a four year old as well and while I do not have experience with what you and your son are going through, I have all the sympathy in the world for you. If it were me in your situation, I will tell him that his dad didn't want to leave him and that it is not his fault-repeatedly. Also, that some people are just so good and that daddy was one of those people. God wanted to have his daddy with Him. I have heard that the most important person in a child's life is their same sex parent. Even though your husband isn't here, maybe you could use his life to a positive end for your son. Catch him doing good thing or things that remind you of your husband, tell him how proud his daddy would be of him. Maybe give him a small photo album of pictures of his dad that he can keep in a special place and look at when ever wants. My family tells each other that it doesn't matter where you are, that you are "always in each others heart". That makes my child feel good. We talk about closing our eyes and thinking of each other and then we are never really far away. I would baby him. Not necessarily when he is acting out but when he is good, I would praise that behavior to no end.
Another thought, have you given any consideration to a Big Brother program or male church member mentor? Maybe it would help to have a male role model to talk to.
I know you just moved and that change is scary for him as well.
Wow, my heart goes out to you. Please know you are in my prayers.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. I am a teacher for kids with emotional issues. You said you don't "baby him". You know, a little babying might be just what he needs right now. I lost someone very special to me when I was 5, and I was terrified I would lose everyone I loved. Idid the exact same thing your son did...inflicting pain upon myself, doing naughty things expressly so I would get caught and get in trouble. I didn't know what to do with the pain.
Email me at ____@____.com if you'd like, I want to help!
R.

J.,
Did you son start hitting himself after his fathers passing? I am wondering if this is his way of dealing with all the change that he is going through right now. At the age of 4 I am sure he doesnt understand what death means. I think that with the counseling would help a great deal. Maybe they can help on a few tips on how he can take the flusterations out other than self distruction. I hope all turns out and please keep us posted.
K.

J., I am very sorry for your loss. I am a children's grief counselor. There are resources out there that may be helpful with the pain your son is experiencing. Since you live in IL, you may start with the Heartlinks program:
Heartlinks, Family Hospice of Belleville area, is located at 7 Bronze Pointe, Suite B in Swansea and provides support and fellowship for families with children who are experiencing or anticipating a death. For more information call ###-###-####.
They have support groups for kids and can refer you to some other resources if necessary.
What your son is doing is completely normal for his age. He does not have words for his emotions at this stage. The most important thing you can do is help him put words with his emotions. Kids act out their feelings. Start with anger since that is what is at the surface right now. Give him some bubbles and ask him to name something that makes him angry every time he pops a bubble (using that bubble wrap stuff takes more effort and makes more noise). The point is to get him to move from action to words. There are also some great books about grief and loss for kids his age. I suggest The Fall of Freddy the Leaf.
Good luck, God bless and you are doing the right thing getting to see a counselor now.

J.-

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain that you are experiencing right now. This has all been so overwhelming for both of you and the recent move to Illinois has probably been another tough thing to get used to.

In my experience with the loss of a very close family member, I found that it was best for my 4 and 7 year old daughters (at the time) to see me grieving and crying. We would talk about why Mommy was so sad and how my heart was hurting. That seemed to open lots of conversation for them to express their feelings as well.

I would suggest that you give your son LOTS of extra attention when he's not 'hurting' himself. I know that's a tall order as a single mom, but he's probably going through some separation anxiety and he's afraid that you're going to 'leave' him, too. This would certainly explain his outbursts at school, when you are not there. Please reassure him that you have talked to God (or whatever your belief system calls for) and that you have sent a special request that you can be with your little boy until you are both very old. That way, you're not promising anything, but you are showing that you want to stay with him, too.

You may also want to sit him down at a time when he is calm and let him know that when he hurts himself, you know that it makes it easier for him to cry. Then tell him that he does not need an excuse to cry when he misses his Daddy and that he can cry with you or with a trusted friend whenever he is feeling sad. You may want to reassure him that as he lets these tears out, there will be fewer and fewer of them left inside.

I wish you all the luck in the world and may your pain begin to diminish as you watch your son grow into a happy and healthy young boy.

*K.*

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is hard for little ones.

He needs to express these feelings in other ways. So you could set aside time for him to journal (draw pictures) about daddy, how hard it is to be a big kid and that stuff. Each night you could say prayers about daddy and his day. Keep out pictures.

As far as the explosions go, I wouldn't ignore them. Normal parenting doesn't apply when you're dealing with a loss. bundle him up in your arms, tell him you love him and it's okay to be angry but it's not okay to hurt himself, it's not okay to hurt others and it's not okay to hurt things. Every time you say these things he will start to believe you.
Find someone at the school who can do the same thing.

Best wishes for the counseling. It's a great idea stick with it.

WOW, that is alot to take on @ 4! Counseling is your first great step to help him!!!! It sounds like he might have some anger towards his dad or the situation in general. My niece is 2 and her parents are getting divorced. She recently told her mom that she was "mad at daddy". She went from seeing him everyday to once every month or two. She has been seeing a counselor and it helps.

I of course could never understand and don't have the answers. Lots of hugs, lots of love, LOTS OF PRAYERS, and let him know that it's ok to be angry because his dad is gone, just help him express it better.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband passing away. As for your son it sounds like he needs professional help to manage his grief. That's probably what his problem is he doesn't know how to express his grief,pain and anger about his dad's death.

I am the mother of a 4 year old too.Being 4 in itself is a lot but when you add the loss of a parent I believe that would greatly make things more complicated.Have you tried asking him why he thinks hitting himself is a good idea or how that makes him feel better?Maybe getting a new pet would help.I'm sure you give a lot of attention and love to him but it sounds like he's in search of someone other than you for some love and attention too.A pet he can love and get the love returned.I hope the counceler can help you further it sounds like your a great mom and doing your best for him.I must say congrats for sticking by and not giving up on him.

I could not imagine losing my husband and raising a child alone. I am also a 25 year old mother of a 3 year old. My prayers are with you & your son.

I recently lost my grandpa, and I tried explaining death to my 4-yr-old. It just didn't work. So, I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to give you some {{{{HUGS}}}}. Please pass some of those on to your son, and I wish you both luck.

J.