The Funny (Or Not-so-funny) Things Your Kid(s) Say...

My son and his wife explained the potty chair to their son.
They told him they will give him ONE M&M when he pees in the potty.
They will give him TWO M&Ms when he poops in the potty.
He immediately asked if he will get THREE M&Ms if he farts in the potty.

My son was about 7 and the conversation went like this:
SON: "mom, remember how when Noah built his ark and it rained and rained and rained?"
ME: "Yes"
SON: "Were you scared?"
After laughing hysterically I explained to him that was a little before I was born!

My oldest son is 8 and is small for his age. He listens to the radio at night to fall asleep.

He was complaining one night how everyone calls him small. I said there isn't much you can do about that. He said that there are commecials that say if you take a pill it can help you get bigger. It took me a minute, but when I realized he was talking about "male enhancement" pills I tried not to die laughing and said "They're for grown ups, Honey."

When my oldest was about three we were giving her a bath at my parents house. She pointed to her chest and said "what are these?" I said that those are called nipples and everyone has them. A minute later my dad walked into the bathroom and she said "Hey Grandpa, show me your nipples!" The look on his face was priceless!!

My DD loves to play "opposite day" where you're supposed to say the opposite of what you mean. One day she decided it was "opposite day" on the way to grandma's. So we played along in the car on the way there. We got inside and grandma had just painted the family room and put up some new wall decorations so she took us inside and was eager to show us. She brought us inside and gestured toward the room and said "What do you think?" my DD pipes up with "I think it looks like sh--!" We all just about DIED! DD never swears so it was crazy that she came up with it. And of course we had to explain to grandma about "opposite day!"

My son's a mimic... one of the most hilarious things EVER (and mortifying for 2) was when he was 3ish and imitated everyone he drives with when they're ticked at another driver. He did full on body imitatrions (slouching, sitting up, where hands are placed on the wheel, and launched into "little pots have big ears" / aka watch how you behave around kids routine:

My mum : Waving fist out the window and using operatic projection "JACKASS!" glance into the backseat and big eyes and pulling arm and head back into the car, "... Whoops... you know that means donkey. Nana just said DONKEY. Lets not tell your mother."

My dad : Leaning back in his seat with a resigned sigh "Geeeze, Buckwheat what's the hurry?"

My husband : Slamming both hands on the wheel, then gesturing with one hand (not the finger, italian type gesturing where the hand punctuates every syllable) and yelling. I can't edit it safely for this board. Suffice to say NOT language I want around my son (neither is the other word for donkey).

My sister : An almost Elvis like snarl with her lips, narrowed eyes, and a growl and the patented "mutter" (NONE of my siblings or I yell at cars, we grew up pleading with my mum/ trying to convince her that the OTHER cars couldn't hear her, really, esp not with all the windows in both cars up... my mum is like Mystery Science 3000... it's a constant diatribe of other people's driving.)

Me : Tilted head and raised eyebrow: "Duuuuuuuude. "

It was a one man / round the table roast of every driving adult present. I have to honestly say... I'd never notice how *I* respond to bad drivers, but he was dead on for all of us. Laughter and blushes and faces hidden behind hands all around the table.

Although my kids keep me laughing with there off the wall comments all day, there is one paticular incident with my brother when he was little that I will never forget. He was probably about 3 (Im 7 years older) and we were at Braum's about to have dinner. My mom was finishing ordering while my bro, sis, dad and I went to get a table. Out of no where my brother started screaming and climbing on to the table saying "Ive gotta pee, Ive gotta pee!" We tried to calm him and tell him he could go in a min. but he just kept screaming it louder and louder and everyone was staring! Finally we realized he was actually saying I gotta pay I gotta pay. My mom had told him he could give the money to the cashier! He had some speech problems and pay sure did sound like pee to everyone in Braums that day!!

My son is 5 and remembers catchy commercials. One day I was excercising and he said Mom you have "stubborn belly fat." I fell out laughing and he had the giggles. I asked him where did you hear that and he said, " you need core." I think it's relacore?

I thought wow he's listening even when you don't think he is.

I had my reality check about language when my youngest son (age 4 at the time) and I were leaving the house...I pushed the garage door opener and was ushering him out and he exclaimed "Just Great! it's F***ING raining"!

Same child, just this last month (now age 5):
Me: W you need to pick up your dirty clothes...
They go in your basket, remember?
W: Not moving, just starring at me...then all of a sudden as I begin to speak again he turns his head to the side fast and says "Squirrel"!
*Have you seen the movie 'UP'? When the dogs get distracted...so funny!

Both my boys have made up their own word for 'No I am not'...it's 'No I emmit' and I just can't bring myself to correct them!

Refers to her highfalutin Grandmother as the one who lives on a bus.

Just this morning...."MOM!!! When I laugh I fart too!" What a little multi-tasker! lol

I always thought I did a great job keeping the language in check in front of my 5 y/o but I've started to realize that I might be failing at it when in the car! She's started yelling at the idiot drivers before I do! Oops!

my son is hard of hearing I have beensigning and talking to him at the same time. he finally has picked up dont touch. he can sign it but he can onlysay touch. so he constantly repeats his new words he has learned. and he is constantly telling me to dont touch everything. I understand he is mocking and I dont want to take away what few words he has. but my 2 yr old is constantly telling me to dont touch everything. but he hasnt started the no phase yet he shakes his head for that. so this is his replacement for the no phase. it doesnt matter what we touch we get told dont touch. :) the only reason he gets away with it is he only had about 40 words and I dont want to discourage what he learns that is new.

My littlest one is so serious when he wants something-but he was playing with one of his tools and the drill was set on reverse-he was frustrated and started saying....Darn it! Darn this thing! Mama, work it, work it! Why won't it work mama??? It was sooo cute! Then he handed it to me and said ENOUGH. I done. LOL.

M

My son came home from preschool and told me there is another Michael. So, they write my sons name on everything with his last initial. Well, he informed me that his new name is Michael Pee Dot. (Michael P.) Needless to say, I will be requesting they call him by his first and middle name next year!
My two year old was in her highchair eating while her daddy was talking to her. She interrupted him in her sweet little voice and said "shut-up, Mike". He looked at me (I'm trying my hardest not to explode into laughter, though I certainly don't approve) and said gee, wonder where she go that from? In my defense, my husband is a jokester at home, the oldest of 4, and a relentless teaser. I love a good laugh, but sometimes he drives me up a wall! Apparently, two year olds have their limit too.

Here's one from my son when he was not quite 2 years old. My Dad is hard of hearing and he was driving with all of us in the car. My son yells out "I gotta pee!". My Dad didn't answer because he hadn't heard my son. A few seconds later he yells much louder "I'm serious!!!"

The grandpartents made such a big deal out of this, that now both of my kids will yell "i'm serious!!" when someone doesn't answer them right away.

About 3 days before Christmas, my 23 month old son chased our cat behind the tree. He was calling for her and I told him she was hiding.
Move forward about 8 hours and we had come home from the grocery store. I was in the kitchen putting away groceries and he got quiet. So I called to him and asked what he was doing and I heard a little voice say "I hidin."
I stepped into the living room and panicked a little when I couldn't see him, so I called out to him again and heard him say "I hidin." I was able to figure out where the sound was coming from, and you can guess where he was: behind the tree!
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Keeping my 4 year old niece the other day for the first time and she looks at my son and says, "Is he a boy or a girl?" and I told her boy. Then I asked her what she was and she said a girl. Then I asked her what I was. She got quiet, then after a few seconds said "A mommy."

My recently turned 3 y/o loves to talk about China. She'll pick something up and say "I have to take this to China!", or " I got this in China!", or "I got evey ting I need to go to China." Lol! I have NO idea where this came from but it sure is funny!

we went ice skating for new years and my 8 year old said " gee, i didnt expect it to be so slippery!" [we have been ice skating several time before this...]

daughter: Gosh darn it garrett! You exasperate me! (11 yrs)

and when my son was describing how the Jenga tower that got knocked over was not all over the place "But it's still partially intact!" (8 yrs)

Im a preschool teacher too, and here are a few quotes: "i have nipple right here on my butt!" (im pretty sure he meant dimples.) "do you know what happens when a girl eats too much food? then they have babies." These were said by the same child lol

When my son was about 3 or 4, whenever anyone said or did something amusing, he would say "you did that the funny way!"

or if they were really hungry, they (my kids) would say they were starving "to the death" no idea where this came from.

oh, one more: we went to Colorado on vacation and I saw a "moose crossing" sign. i pointed it out to my kids, and my daughter starts honking really loudly. I said "amber, why are you honking?" "Because you said there was a goose crossing!"

My 4 year old who had been so behind in speech started spewing out words since thanksgiving, literally from "she occasionally strings 3 to 4 word sentences" (1st week of Nov eval) to this...

Rory: **Pffft* (farted
Me: "Ay, Rory utootin*!" (*someone who farts a lot)
Rory: " I Tatay's kid" (tatay is dad and her dad does fart a lot)

Me: "My Rory!" "Are you Nanay's (mom's) good girl
Rory: (very softly) "No, I a little pain."

My 6 year old has said so many funny & witty things and some so sweet.
here's a couple

Billy: "I decided to be a vet again, Tatay."
Tatay: "Great B! Will you buy me a sports car when you start making money?"
Billy: "No Tatay!" "I'll buy myself a sports car."

Me: Wiggling my butt and singing, "Fat Mama... Fat Mama..."
Billy: Started poking me everywhere and said, " There has to be an off button here somewhere."

Another one between me and B -lol I do save them somewhere =)

"Who are my favorite girls?" "Me and Rory!" "Yes, you both are...but... what if I can only pick one...?" "Then you should pick Rory because I love her sooo much"

We were out at a high end restaurant and my teenager was having the fish dish. She was really enjoying it when she asked, " Is this made out of fish sticks?" Oh dear, blonde, child.........we had a good laugh when she realized what she said.

She meant was fish sticks made out of the fish she was eating.

one time me and my mother had a garage sale and later on that night after we got it all packed away..... we are getting old to work like this.... to which my son replied grandpa bill is old and he still works....lol. he says some good ones sometimes...the thing that cracks me up is when they say something so smart and out there...things you don't expect..they just catch off guard.

My daughter takes things very literally, and so she is always misinterpreting what people say. sometimes it turns out really funny. I will never forget, when she was about 3 she was eating a Popsicle at Grammy's house and asked to leave the kitchen and go into the family room. I said "No", knowing my mother would have a fit if anything was dripped. She said,"Mommy I won't drip anything", she knew too, but I said again to reinforce it, "No Grammy will have a cow if you drip anything.". And my daughter's priceless response, "Mommy, can I pet the cow?" She was totally serious thinking she was going to see Grammy have a cow and maybe pet it.

My 2 year old daughter talks amazingly, like conversations. It's so funny things she says. She'll talk in a monster voice. It's so funny though, she'll tell on everyone haha. My dad will tell the dog shut up when she barks and my daughter will come over to me and be like, mommy grandpa tell doggie to shut up, not nice. It's so funny. She says so many things, I wish I could think of them... she's such a card.

My dad was watching our son a few days ago and they took back a toy he got that didn't work. He said he was hungry so they grabed Mcdonalds and went home. After getting home my son didn't want to eat, he wanted the toy. My dad kept telling him to go eat then they would play. He got mad walked over to the box, kinda slapped the top and said this is just bulls***. I died laughing when they called and told me...we really watch what we say around him, but one day when we have slipped...he's had to hear us. Glad to see I'm not the only one that has slipped tho :)

that is TOOOO funny, I have to be really careful about what I say bc my DD hears and repetes everything! Today when my MIL called I said, by accident, to my hubbie you get it I am not talking to that crazy lady right now (I normally love her but right now we are out of sorts) and I was tooooo worried that my DD would repete it, at least it was not that bad. LOL

Your story is too cute, but it does make me wonder who's been referring to your MIL as a PITA ;)

My favorite is from a couple of years ago. We were traveling across the state with my parents. Our little guy, who was recently potty trained, always wanted my mom to take him to the bathroom. Well, in the bathroom of the third stop of the trip, he asks "Baba, did you poop at Burger King?" which was two stops earlier... lol

My ten year old says lines from 'Monty Python's Holy Grail' to fit the situation. He has great timing, just cracks me up!