So I'm wondering if there is any way to try to not feel like he doesn't care about his child even though this shows otherwise. What am I supposed to do about having him at least in the waiting room while I give birth to our child? I've tried talking to him about it and he just says that's enough we're done talking about this, but I want him to be able to see his child, his creation, see what we made, but I can't just be like look you're going to be there, because unfortunately we are not married or together. So I guess my question is what should I do about this? What should I talk to him about? What should I say? Please give me all the advice you ladies can give. I really appreciate it.
Ok my past relationship with the father is kind of screwed up, but when we were together before I found out from a nurse that I was pregnant, we were in love, and still in love, but we had a dilemma that can't be avoided, he is engaged and was seeing someone before we started dating, but when we got together, he stopped talking to her completely and avoided talking to her, but she never got the point that they weren't together, so when I went home on emergency leave, he started talking to her again and told me, on the day of our 1 month anniversary, that he didn't want to be with me anymore, while I was back in the states, and I felt like crap because I had just lost my mother and now was losing my angel. When I came back he had said he wanted to talk to me so we talked and he said he made a mistake and saying basically he wanted me back, but only until he decides on who he wants to be with, and I said, I would wait for his decision, but I wasn't going to take him back, the chances of me getting hurt again were too high and I wasn't going to let that happen, then after new years, his fiancee from the states found out what he had been doing and in the end he choose her, but is still in love with me to this day, and feels bad every time he hurts me. Once I found out I was pregnant with his child, I told him and he was really supportive, even though we weren't together, but it's just been recently that he just doesn't seem to care about me or our child, because he doesn't come to any of my ob appointments and now may be getting out of the military and won't do anything for me, like he told me he may be getting chaptered out for some kind of disorder and I told him this screws up all of our plans and he said I know, but doesn't want to go with me to see the doctor to talk about what's happening with him getting chaptered out and doesn't do anything for me anymore. I just feel that he doesn't care about me or our child because he avoids me at all costs and never answers his phone or anything. I just really need some advice. That's not about this but that is how our relationship has been, so now on to the subject, the reason I was saying this was because I had asked him if he would be there for our child's birth and he said no, do you know how disgusting that is, and I was like, this is your child's birth though, it's not like your going to be there for anything else, why can't you be there for your own child's birth and then he said that's enough, this conversation is over, and I was just pissed after that, so that's why I was asking what should I do about this...
Other than pointing out that he may regret it later and can't go back and re-do it, there's really nothing you can do or say to MAKE him be there. Good luck.
If he's acting like this now I feel so so sorry for you. I would have who ever is in the room with you tape it therefore after the fact and he regrets not being in there you have the tape! Good luck and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Honey I think you should involve yourself with people who want to be there for you. How about your mom or a close sister? I loved having my mom there. Trust me when you are in labor, you don't really care who is there, you just want to focus on getting that baby out!
Even if you were married, you couldn't make the father stay in the room with you. He doesn't want to, and you need to accept that. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you or the baby.
Let it go and get a friend or your mom or an Aunt to be your birthing coach.
Good luck!
Some men can't handle it. Plain and simple. And they will not tell you this.
Accept him and his decision, as long as he is will to show up after the baby is born to help you with diapers and such, consider yourself lucky.
Also realize that he may be really afraid to see you in pain. Most men are really senitive.
I hope this helps you
I have a hunch if you let it and him go, he will come around. He sounds like he is still a baby himself and might feel very scared. So he is telling you pretty clearly how he wants it. I feel for you, having a baby is a mixture of emotions. line up others to step up to the plate, including other male friends if you have some and ignore papa, he is going to be like a deer in headlights for awhile and you have to let him proceed slowly. Personally I'd drive around him and find another deer to join my life, but if you like the guy you will have to wait it out. I do not think it is the birth at all, it is the fact that he is about to face the responsibility that comes with being a father. He also really might not be able to handle blood and/or your pain knowing he caused it. So grit your teeth and don't bother with him and believe me I seldom give that kind of advice, but he sounds like he is not going to be cooperative in a lot of other situations so maybe he is giving you an offering right now that you cant refuse. Good luck. Hug baby for me and give yourself one.
You're overseas, so is the father in the military? or are you? Is it possible that he just doesn't think its manly to attend the birth? Doesn't want to ask for the time off from rounds? Remember back in the 60's men were kept out in the waiting room. Purposely.
It could be that he's just stressed and nervous, and since you aren't together doesn't really want to show you how much he really wants to be there. (hopefully, finger's crossed!) Maybe he thinks that if he's there, you'll think that you might get back together?
When I had my 1st, hubby didn't want to be in there either, but waited with me in the room because no family was there. Then, just as things got going, he decided he needed a cigarette and tried to leave the room! Really?? OMG!!! He left anyway, and sent my mom in who had arrived!!! He did make it back in time, and participated, but until the exact moment, he was set against it. Why? Cause he was tired, wanted to be sleeping, and didn't really want to see all the gross part, just the clean wrapped baby!
What you can do is keep him informed. Let him know that you want him the most important moment of the baby's life. Period. Let him know when you are in labor, heading to the hospital. Put his name on the visitor's list so that if he changes his mind after you go into labor he can come to the room. Also, try to find someone who will videotape it for you. Not all the gross parts, mind you, but so that if for some reason he doesn't get there, you can show him after.
Hugs
M.
You have to respect his decision. You have to remember it's really only been in the last 20 years or so, that men were allowed in the delivery rooms. There are still a LOT of men that don't want to see it. Though we as woman want them to, we can't force them. He has his own reasons for this.
It sounds as if since you two aren't together, he just wants to be with his child and not you. But it could be that he has seen these shows that show the birth to be bloody and gross and he doesn't want to see that.
For whatever his reasons are you have to respect that. you have let your feeling be known, and now tell him what you will respect his decision and go from there. Now you need to ask him what he wants and how he wants things done. Does he want to know when you go to the hospital or after the baby is born.
You never know, you may call him to come to the hostpial and while he is waiting there, he may change his mind. I can tell you that my husband wasn't sure if he would make it through the birth becasue the rooms were too hot and he passes out easily when over heated. Plus he thought it would be super gross, but it wasn't what he thought. So men have different ideas and thoughts then we as women do.
You can't make him. I think that this behavior may be symptomatic of why you're not together anymore. Accept that he may decide to miss important parts of your child's life, if he's there at all. It's a sad place to be, but focus on yourself and your baby. My biofather was never around but I was surrounded by family and my grandfather came for the father visiting time instead.
Just because he doesn't want to be there doesn't mean he doesn't care. Childbirth isn't so much about the baby as it is about the mother. She is the one that needs the support the family and friend in the room are there for her. Labor can be a very intimate act especially natural childbirth. Until you are actually in the room you don't know what will happen. You don't know what your body will do and let me tell you it could be really disgusting ( I won't go into detail about mine) and needless to say only somebody whom I love and trust and who feels the same way about me should ever have to see that. Plus continue to give you love and support. Labor can be extremely hard work, very painful, and emotional. Forget about the father, especially since you two ain't a couple and ask someone that you feel could give you the support you'll need.
Plus the father might already know that he can't handle it, like I said it isn't always pleasant. My friends husband almost threw up and passed out. She was pissed.
You are obviously upset, but there are so many issues loaded into this that you can't possibly explain even if you write a novel.
If this is your first child, let me assure you that there is much that is not physically pretty or pleasant about childbirth. There are risks involved and sometimes it is scary. You need to have people there that you fully trust just in case you need to call on them. Even if all goes smoothly, if you and Daddy are not getting along, then if he attends he could be a distraction to you and an unnecessary body crowding the room. If you have a romantic notion that he will swoon with newfound respect and love when he sees all you are going through, you are likely to be disappointed.
Don't allow him (and worrying about what he thinks) to become the focus of your attention. You and baby still have a big job to do, and you and baby have a bond to cement that he can't really be part of even if he wants to be. So go do your job, enjoy the parts that are wonderful, and survive the parts that are stinky, bloody and painful.
After it's all over, there will be a wonderful little creature who won't remember one thing about it, including whether or not Daddy was in the room.
Only a callous man can resist loving his own child once it arrives, so don't worry ahead of time that this resistance or squeamishness has any implication for how he will behave later. Tackle that problem only after you know it is a real one. For now, focus on the task ahead.
If he dose not want to be there you can not make him and it will be his loss. Be happy for you & your baby. Take pictures and enjoy your new bundle of love. Your baby needs you stay strong & god chose you to be a mom :)Enjoy the BLESSING
Screw him then. (not literally) If he doesnt want to be there, then who cares. Have the baby and take care of it yourself. Then soak him for child support. :)
Updated
Screw him then. (not literally) If he doesnt want to be there, then who cares. Have the baby and take care of it yourself. Then soak him for child support. :)
Hi C.. This is not your decision, it is his. Hopefully he will want to have a relationship with his child, but he does not want to be a part of this intimate time with you. Get a friend or family member who can commit to being on call to support you through your labor/birth or hire a doula (some doulas in training will do births for a very reduced cost and some doulas have sliding scale fees, if cost is an issue). You can't make him feel about the birth or the baby the way that you do. Focus on yourself and welcoming your baby.
C.-
It sounds like you've had plenty of discussion on the subject. What are his objections? It would help us mamas to know why he is saying he doesn't want to be in the delivery room with you. Then we can use our experiences to help you. Just post any other info in the "What Happened" section.
S.
I have a few questions so that I can better understand your situation. Does he not want any involvement whatsoever with you and the baby? Or does he just not want to be in the delivery room at the time? What was your relationship before? What kind of relationship does he say he wants going forward?
why doesnt he want to be there? what is his reason? is he agraid? or what
How do you stop feeling like he does not care about the child because he does not want to attend the birth or even be in the waiting room?
The answer is simple, stop expecting him to be a woman. Men think differently and show their emotions differently. That you are not together should give you some idea as to why he does not want to be there. It would be like picking a winning lottery ticket and then after celebrating the win, he would not get to collect the jackpot. He would be setting himself up for an emotional whiplash. Sorry if it sounds harsh but a man is not generally there for the child. The man is there to support his wife or partner and celebrate the joy with her. It has little to do with his emotions for the child, that hits afterward when he can have something to hold and show to others. Men need to do something and at the birth there is little for him to do other than support his partner but he does not have a partner so there is not even that for him to do. If you were together he may also refuse to be there directly for the birth because he cannot stop the pain of the contractions and this may make him feel helpless, that is also not uncommon. I was there for the birth of both of my children and even assisted with one due to shift change and a lack of staff along with my wife having a broken ankle after slipping on ice. To be honest it made no difference with my feelings about my children. Had I been on the other side of the world or downrange, being military that was possible, it would have made no difference to the relationship or emotions I have with my children. Now take it a step further that I was paralyzed prior to my daughters second birthday and after my now ex had an affair, I fought my way back to functional and maintained not only a relationship with my children, I chose where I live by where my ex chose to live with them being as she had physical custody. I have since remarried and my wife has a son. I may not be genetically related and was on the opposite side of the world when he was born but he is my son just the same and if anything would happen to his mother I would fight his biological father with everything I have to maintain his being with me. He also has stated this would be where he would want to be.
It does not matter to the child if the father is there at birth or not. He does not choose to be there for his own reasons and probably not for your interpretation of the reasons. It is an event, not a relationship. It is likely you are the reason he chooses not to be there even if he will not directly state it. If other than for the birth when he would be irrelevant anyway, he becomes a caring and good father that is there for the child, be supportive of that.
Ignore the ignorant advice that says you should expect him to act and show emotions like a woman, he is not one and if he were to show that way it would probably be an act. If he would be there, it would have to be for you and not the child.
Also ignore the advice of take him for all the child support you can get if he is a good father. I am not saying you should not expect him to also provide a reasonable amount of support but be fair. If you make it a fight and constantly unpleasant, it will hurt your child in the long run. He may either fight back and in time possibly file for custody (and possibly win if you are damaging to his relationship with the child) or neglect having a relationship with the child just to avoid dealing with you. The second is more likely being as this is a probable reason he will not even be in the waiting room.
Some men will be a$$es about having a relationship with the child and about the child support. First give him a chance and try to see things from his viewpoint before getting defensive and causing an unnecessary problem, you will dealing with him for many years to come. Ask his viewpoint before assuming he is acting from the way you see things. If you try this without criticizing him for his viewpoint even now, he may reconsider being there for your child's birth. Men are not as complicated as women, do not expect them to be, including with their emotions. If you motivate them correctly, they will surprise you. You just need to understand from their viewpoint why they do or don't do things and not assume based on your ( a woman's) views.
Communication is important but ask him to help you understand his viewpoint and then basically keep your mouth shut and your viewpoint to yourself. He may have trouble expressing himself so you may need to ask in a couple different ways but always let him be allowed to have his own views without confrontation. Ask honestly, do not tell him what his feelings, emotion or viewpoints are or should be. You may find he becomes cooperative and willing to accept your views and then possibly willing to be there.
it is his decision. you cant force him to be there..I can tell you that my husband thought it was the most important day of his life (both times)
however birth isnot pretty.. it can be quite scary and traumatic. some people arent good about hospitals.. or blood and needles..and it is hard to watch someone you love in that much pain.
You really need someone there who can support you.. who wants to be there. not someone who might decide it was too scary and end up leaving in the midst of things.. can you have your mohter, sister, friend be there instead.?
Let it go. Just focus on yourself and your baby. Find someone in your family or a friend who can support you in the birth of your baby. I think the crucial thing here is not only when the baby is born it is will he help you after the baby is born, and can you handle this without counting on him for support. It doesn't seem like he wants any part of this so the reality is its you and your baby. Good luck!
If that is his decision, let him go with it, and you try to let go of it. I don't have any sympathy for him, he sounds like a total jerk, and I am glad that you are not together any more. It sounds like the kind of guy who you are better off not having in your life or your child's life. Send him a picture, so you have done your part. Hopefully you have family or friends who can be there for you, and will be better role models for your child as he/she grows. If he cant take the time to at least be in the waiting room when his child is born, he does not deserve to share in the joy associated with it.
I wouldnt worry about it! My daughter is 5 mos. pregnant & the father has walked out of her life & wants nothing to do with the birth of his 1st son, he actually wanted her to have an abortion? I wouldnt force him to be there, he might even change his mind once the time comes.At least he is in your life.
Since the two of you are no longer together then there is nothing that you could say or do to make him want to be there.
For me he does not want to be there because the girlfriend he has right now will not allow him too.
I wish you the best and congrat's to you and your new bundle of joy.
= )
Unfortunately the best I can give you is to just let it go. You have pled your case with him and if he remains steadfast in his decision to not be a part of this, you have to accept that. It doesn't say if this is your first child or not...but your impending motherhood is what you need to focus 100% of your energy on. You need to focus on you, your body and the birth of that beautiful baby. Labor is a whirlwind of emotions and feelings...try and focus on that, not necessarily who is or is not in the room with you. This is his decision, and I am willing to bet that at some point down the road he will regret it.
I wish you the best of luck. Try to surround yourself with people who love and support you! *hugs*
Some guys are just not into childbirth. I'd make a guess that most of the people born in my generation (early 1960's) did not have their fathers present at their birth (and in a few cases not even in the hospital). There are some places around the world where the idea of having the father there at the birth they think is the most horrible thing they can think of (I have a few friends who are from India - both the women and men I've met feel this way). They feel watching a baby being born is right up there with watching an Aliens movie.
You need to figure out why it is so important to you that you want him there. You want him to witness your moment of glory? You think he might bond with the baby and/or you because of it? (You can always have it video taped). (Actually, there are quite a few mothers who would like their child cleaned up before they first see them.) Everyone else you know who is pregnant has the father there with them?
You've said your piece and he has said his - I don't think there is anything left to be said. You can't control how he feels. You are going to have a hard enough time with your own feelings with all the hormone fluctuations (I had a few bouts of crying for no particular reason after I gave birth. My husband didn't know what to do. I told him it's the hormones - relax.) Don't worry about him. Just enjoy the birth of your child and put the father out of your mind.
I'm thinking that he doesn't want to give you any mixed signals. You two are NOT together so he doesn't want to act as if he's happy about this occassion. If he is, your not the one he wants to share his happiness with. I'm sure he is upset that he even has to be supportive/communicative to YOU. He probably ONLY talks to you right now because you are carrying his child. He just wants to see his child and unfortunately, he has to dissassociate himself from the birth (labor and delivery) and just come to see the child after he's born. (postpartum)
Truth being, he will miss out on the experience of a lifetime that he will never get back. He is sacrificing that so that he won't have to see YOU at your most vulnerable, or help YOU in any way, or comfort YOU, or cater to YOU as if you two are together. Therefore, he will wait outside until his child arrives and then he will visit his child and glow in happiness, all by himself, which is what he's truly there for....he is not there for YOU.
I'm sorry, but there's no other way to say it....it's not that he doesn't want to be at the birth, he just doesn't want to help YOU through it...his focus does not include YOU at all.
I am sorry if my comment is piercing or if I am stepping my bounderies. With very few details of your past relationship, I can only assume that he is a man that no longer wants to deal with the past, but wants to get this over with and just go on with HIS future....and the birthing will only be another memory that includes the both of you...which he is trying to be done with....therefore, will not attend.
I, am 34 weeks pregnant, and very emotional, so I am truly hurting for you and your situation. Be strong, pray, and "in-time" you will see that this post (plea for advice) stems from you trying to have that dreamy "family" that may or may not ever become with your baby's father. We've all made some choices in our lives that we wish we could change. I hope that when reality sets in, that your truly grounded and have God to lean on.
best of luck to you....you are in my thoughts....
