The Ex Is Lurking...

Knowing me, I'd probably jump in and make the friendship mine, too. I'd probably reach out and foster a relationship with her. Why not, you know? Life is better when everyone plays for the same team.

:)

Do you think shes trying to STEAL him back?

Probably not...She lives in a different state. I think its ok.

You stepped into an already made unit. They have a child and have found a way to communicate and do what is best for their DD. Sorry but that is an amazing thing into todays day and age.

I don't have any advice, I can't see any good coming of you trying to curtail it. It will probably back fire on you.

I need to edit my answer -

T. - I went back and reviewed your prior posts - going back to 2009 and your 1st marriage. You have been insecure in this, your current relationship for years - according to you questions. You briefly dated before getting pregnant, he had just ended his prior relationship - this was a collision of magnificent proportions that brought the two of you together.

I think that you need to look inside yourself and figure out why you are so insecure with yourself. Because your posts show a woman deeply insecure, unhappy, and jealous. Please try the therapy route. For your own happiness. You will never be happy until you are happy within yourself. Good Luck.
======================================================T. - I think it is good when parents who are not a couple remain amicable - the children benefit from this. This daughter is your husband's child and the sister of your children. She is your family. Isn't it better that all the adults be adults and get along?

I have gone through phases with my Ex wherein we speak or have no contact. My son has always been a happier child when we are speaking. We speak of our son, our respective partners, our family, our pets, our jobs. We have spent birthdays, and holidays, and had "family" fun days together throughout the years. I have met his girlfriends - he has met my boyfriends. All for the benefit of my son.

Your husband is married to you. He comes home to you each night, he does not hide his communication with his daughter's mother from you. You should let this go and not worry about. Her motives are her problem - not yours. Sorry, but you are being a little jealous and possessive.

Let it go.

Hugs

Personal experience here.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. The separation was amicable and both sides of their families remained very close and are still very close to this day. We continued to share holidays, birthdays, and other big occassions with both sides, including new spouses and their families. It was the best thing my parents did for us. We never had to worry about playing favorites. We were free to be with whomever we pleased, whenever we pleased. There was never any guilt about who to spend holidays with, etc. Both my parents were very involved in our school and daily lives. They are parents...they should be. I was blessed to have involved, caring, loving parents, even though they couldn't work through differences to keep a marriage.

Now, jump ahead 25+ years. I'm a divorced mother of 3 teenagers. Am currently in a relationship with a new amazing guy. He has one 14 year old daughter. He has been divorced 12 years. Like my parents' divorce, his was amicable. He remains friends with his ex and speaks regularly with her regarding their daughter. On the other hand, my ex thinks I am evil and wants nothing to do with me and plays my daughters' emotions. I dream of a relationship with my ex like my SO has with his. I adore his ex. She is great and I consider her a friend. We went on a family vacation over the summer that included all our kids, and the ex and her husband. It was a way of getting everyone acquainted since we are planning to blend families. I have no issues with her calling my SO at any time for any reason. He told me there are no feelings there. I trust him. We will be spending the holidays together. I have no problem with it.

I think you need to step back. Put his DD first and realize that maybe the contact truly is because of DD. She just moved away. There is some adjusting that needs to happen for everyone. It doesn't sound like she is wanting to exclude you, but rather is including you in traditions. What she is trying to build and maintain is a healthy environment for her daughter. Can you set boundaries? Yes. Of course. But stop seeing ex as manipulative for a few minutes. They have a good relationship. Trust me. It's better than the relationship I have with my ex. My girls totally agree!

She is relevant in his life and always will be because they have a daughter together, and someday maybe grandchildren.

I talk with my ex-husband every day. We have a 10 year-old daughter. We live in the same city and have 50/50 time with our daughter. We have family dinners and outings fairly regularly, and spend most holidays together.

His first ex-wife moved out of state when their two children were 4 & 7. She denied him access of any kind as much as she could get away with. This hurt him, and them, tremendously. I would never do this to my ex or to my daughter.

I have known my ex for 28 years. We have five grandchildren. I would end any (future) relationship with a man who restricted the frequency of contact, or was jealous about me talking with the father of my child as often as I choose to.

Paranoia will destroy ya. I think you're being possessive and jealous. The woman moved OUT OF STATE. She's concerned for her daughter and it's great that she's being so communicative with her daughter's father, which happens to be your husband.

Maybe talk to your husband and mention that you're jealous that he talks to his ex so much. Tell him you understand that it's because of their daughter, but that you can't help but feel jealous. Maybe you guys need more date nights or something.

Good luck.

You're over-reacting. Your husband's daughter needs her father and you're very lucky that this man takes his responsibilities so seriously. You're also very lucky that he has a good, friendly relationship with his former wife. That ought to be easing anxiety and stress.

Maybe you have limited experience with exes only being bitter and cruel to each other and so exes that are kind and friendly seems odd and threatening to you. If you don't get over this fast, you're going to lose your husband over what sounds like absolutely nothing, especially since you claim to trust him. I see nothing suspicious about the former wife's behaviors at all.

"Lurking" indeed. No, she's not. She sounds like a good mother who is helping her daughter's father remain involved because he wants to be.

Your insecurity needs to be dealt with inside of you. It really shouldn't matter to you what another woman does no matter what the woman. Your relationship is with the man. How are his actions or interactions making you uncomfortable? Is he flirting with her? Is he leading her on? Is he deceiving her?

Insecurity is unattractive and you will stress out and strangle the beauty in your relationship with it. Be very careful.

What would it take for you to be secure in your slot in his life? What would the perfect relationship with his ex and his daughter look like? How can you encourage him to move toward that ideal? Is that ideal what would be best for his daughter?

Or are you insecure because you aren't truly married to this man and he left the last woman he was with after 8 years of being together? Not that marriage is the glue that keeps folks together but either you trust him or you don't. You must figut=re out a way to be confident in your slot in his heart and understand his heart is big enough to handle all three of you.

She moved out of state, probably doesn't have a lot of friends and is feeling insecure in her choices especially since her daughter is having so many issues. Once she starts to create her own life, she'll let go. Right now, she doesn't have close friends there to bounce things off of so she is turning to who she knows.

This isn't about you. If you push him enough in this, you will push him away. It's your issue, not his. Don't dictate to him how to parent

My cousin married a woman, had a child, and got divorced. I am AMAZED at how well they all get along. Wife #1 moved down to southern CA with her son (who is now 11) and my cousin and #2 have 2 more children. #1 goes to #2's house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and family birthdays. #2 calls #1 all the time. When my cousin and His wife go down to southern CA they stay at the ex wives house. The children are brothers and they all love each other. There is constant contact. I don't know what happened to have them divorce, but I know that they are doing the best they can to keep the children involved in each others lives, keep my cousin involved, and keep the 2nd wife involved.
I don't see the problem.
I think you sound jealous. She IS relevant because she IS his child's mother. His child is having a hard time. The daughter, now more than ever, needs to see her parents working together to help her adjust to school. How about instead of getting upset you become part of the solution?
L.

Well, she did move out of state with their daughter, so maybe she wants to make sure he is well involved in their daughter's life. I am sure if can be difficult for your step daughter to move to a new home, school, environment. Keeping him informed, I think, is a good idea.

It's great that they get along, and are friends. Especially the fact that they do share a daughter. That is so few and far between. Who cares that she sends him political jokes, really?? Did you check his phone and emails? If you do, be very careful. That is where it becomes pretty obsessive.

Lack of trust is written all over this post. I think you need to examine yourself in all of this.

I am not normally this blunt with a post. Probably my first . I believe that we all can get carried away and wrapped up when we "believe" something is wrong, when it isn't. It's more of a way to encourage you to tone down, and stop this kind of behavior. It won't get you anywhere. It will just create this imaginary wall between you and your husband. As well as your relationship with your stepdaughter.

Work on ways to build your relationships. Even with your stepdaughter's mom. It will work better then what you are doing now.

Well, at least she is in a different state. If their daughter has such difficult emotional issues, than maybe he needs to be on the phone with his little girl instead of with mom all the time. Also, the mom should be talking to her school counselor if the issues are that serious. And no, I don't talk to anyone like that on a daily basis.

As for the family traditions, I think it is normal for you to be a little jealous about that. However, they are for the kids and in that vein, if I were you, I would try to shed the layer of jealousy and try to be happy that his daughter can have some great family moments. I know of a few families who do this sort of thing and it usually works out great, though I'm sure they have to curb their tongues every now and then. Really, try and calm down and let it go... If the phone calls are interfering with family time, then I would talk to him why she feels she needs to constantly call.

My parents met when my mom was 10, they divorced when I was 18. They remained friends until his death. He called my mom a lot and invited her to everything he did, except when he got remarried.

I thought it was odd and I know his new wife didn't like it. The thing was they had such a long history and their lives were very intertwined, ie mutual friends, relatives etc.

It was never more than friendship.

His ex may be trying to keep a link, but maybe just for friendship. Some people are truly better just being friends, not in a relationship. However, if it bothers you he needs to make a change. Have you told him your feelings about it? He may not realize it.

Me? I would not like it. Daily seems to be a bit much. Would you be okay with weekly? So their daughter is 10, Can he call her directly and vice versa?

Is doesn't sound like she is 'lurking' - it sounds like she is involved with their daughter. Lurking, to me, is more like showing up at inappropriate times without notice.
My SIL just finalized her divorce. IF they would talk civilly to each other, I think the drama factor would be greatly diminished. It sounds like your husband and ex have a rather healthy relationship, which in turn is a great role model for your SD.
They made family traditions and are including you...to become traditions that your son will consider his as well. They will always be family. I don't see it as a guise, I see it a a genuine reach out to you. She doesn't sound manipulative, just a concerned parent that wants her daughter's father to be involved.
I also have other friends who have ex-wives that are complete b**ches that will argue till the lawyers are set for retirement when it comes to their children. Your husband kinda sounds lucky. Is he jealous of your relationship with your son's father?

.

I am very close to my ex. His wife is totally okay with it, I have even spent the night in their home. Yes, I have spent the night in their home.

He chose you. He left her because it was not that kind of relationship. He chose you. They are friends.

Some people make much better friends than lovers. Sounds like that's the case with your hubby and his ex.

If there are issues with the daughter, I don't consider daily contact excessive. If I were the non-custodial parent I would want to know daily how things went/are going.

As for the family traditions, I would have a problem with that. Your hubby and you need to make family traditions for YOUR family. His daughter can be part of your traditions when she's with you and part of mom's traditions when she's with mom.

Family trips would NOT be happening. There is no reason for that or "intimate" birthday gatherings. Again, he's married to you; a short phone call to say happy birthday is the extent of what that should be.

So, in some ways you are being jealous and possessive (daily contact about daughter) but in all other ways, I'm right there with 'ya sista'!