Advice for Birds and Bees Talk

I'd be very brief. At her age, she only needs to know that a seed grows in the mommy's belly after you get married.

Hi S. H, Focus on the Family.com has a wonderful selection of books for sex education. I have 5 kids - teen son 14, daughters 13, 11, 10, & 8 and when we have sex education discussions, we all talk together and I use the correct names for body parts. At first I was a little hesitant to include my 8 year old, but she goes to school and they talk so I preferred she get the info from Me. Hope this helps. C. H

Hi S.,

I looked this up for you and this was how another mom answered the question, I liked it.

The key to answering this question is to find out what exactly the child wants to know and answering them in an age appropriate manner. For example, while the words of the three year old and the six year old might be the same but they might really have different questions.

The three year old might simply want to know where you picked up his or her new baby brother, while the six year might want to know how the baby got in there, which doesn't necessarily mean how it got in there.

Ask a couple of questions of your child to determine what their level of understanding is about the whole pregnancy thing and what they really would like to know. When answering your child you really need to be aware of the words you use. If you tell a child that you have a baby in your belly rather than uterus, you are going to have a whole new set of questions. The questions will probably include where does your food go while the baby is there, and does the baby eat your food too?

Using the wrong phrases can actually scare children. Which brings up what do you call these body parts? Some people choose to use the correct names for the parts of their body, while others use other names. A uterus can simply be described to a child as a special organ in a mother's body to house the baby until it's born. Using belly or stomach can frighten a child that they may also become pregnant, like the old watermelon seed theory of pregnancy.

The more complex the question, the more you may need to think about it. Don't be afraid to tell your child that you need a bit to think about a good answer for him or her or to locate a book to help you do so. Many children are thrilled with picture books of fetal development, so that they can see what is going on inside their mother.

Occasionally you'll be asked these tough questions by a child who is not your child or even a member of your family. The best answer there is that they need to ask their mother these questions. If you happen to know their parents, be kind and give them some heads up.

My advice, as a mother and as an educator is that honest is always the best policy. Although you don't necessarily have to go into extensive details. You know your child best and have the ability to decide what they are wanting to know and have the capability to handle.

"My 5 year old daughter asked me where babies come from and I panicked. I went into this long, nervous, diatribe about when a man and a woman love each other, how babies are made, where the come out, etc. I was beet red and my heart was pounding by the time I finished. Then she looked at me and said, 'No, the red hospital or the gray one by school?' I about died, although it's a fun story to tell now."
Hannah, Mom to 8 yo Elizabeth, 3 yo Harley, and Baby H on the way

When we told Bri that she was going to have a baby brother or sister, she was happy, but it really didn't enter her mind where we got it, she just marked the date on her calendar and waited... mommy got bigger and BIGGER and she waited. Then one day out of the blue, she says, "How is the baby going to pop out of mommy's stomach?" Leave it to my child to not ask the general question of where do babies come from... noooo she needs to hit us straight with that instead.

We explained that mommy goes to the hospital and the doctor will help the baby come out. She gave me the "I know you're not telling me something" look, and left it at that."
Denise

"When my three year old told me that she wanted to know how the baby got out. I asked her how she thought it happened. She said that my belly button would open up like a camera lens! I knew we needed to tell her something. So we told her that there was a special place for babies to be born and that all women had them. She never asked where it was, thank goodness!"
Maddy, mom to 3 year old Sarah and soon to be baby!

"We made the mistake of telling our son that babies grew in bellies. He seemed fine with that, but then approached a rather heavy man in McDonald's to ask when his baby was going to be born. Looks like we left some basic facts out. We nearly died of embarrassment."
Mom of a seven year old, three year old, and another one on the way!

Here are 2 suggestions for good books to take a look at:
First Comes Love: All About The Birds And Bees - And Alligators, Possums, And People, Too.
by Jennifer Davis, Claire Mackie (Illustrator)
OR
It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families
by Robie H. Harris, Michael Emberley (Illustrator)
And may I suggest visiting your local independent bookstore for help. Not only are you helping your community by shopping locally, but you will find they are very knowledgeable as well as eager to help!
(I am a former bookseller myself) :)

Hi S. - I haven't quite yet had to address this topic with my kids. Although, my nearly 4 year old has asked a few questions, so I know the time isn't too far off for us. I need to do a little more research so I'm prepared. However, I try to take the appraoch my mom did with me... he thought was, if they're old enough to ask a question, they're old enough to get an honest answer. Don't lie or make something up; you want them to trust you after all and know that they can come to you with questions later. But don't give them more than they need either. A simple, age- appropriate, honest answer is enough. If that prompts another question, answer... They don't realize this is such an intimidating topic for US to talk to with them... for them, it's just like anything else. When my son has asked questions, I'm often surprised how he simply moves onto something else after he gets a couple of answers. I like the idea that someone suggested of the 'special hug.' I've told my son that daddy & I made the baby (when I had his little sister). He knows the baby came out, but he never asked how. Good luck!

Hi S.,
The Usborne Flip-Flap Body Book is great. It explains things in easy to understand terms. It also explains your senses, digestion, etc.
Good Luck

I love the book "Flip Flap Body Book." You can read about it, view a sample page and even order it from here: http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/details.asp?sid=J2041&g...
This book teaches about how babies are made, your five senses and what happens to your food when you eat in a very kid friendly way.

You can also buy just the "How Babies Are Made" part here: http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/details.asp?sid=J2041&g...

Good luck!
E.

P.S. Editing -- my original links were not clickable. Copy and paste above or just go to http://www.ubah.com/j2041 and search for "Flip Flap Body Book" -- if you use the parentheses in your search it will pull it right up. From that one you can view other titles in the series and see the baby one.

I very much second the recommendation of _It's So Amazing_ -- it's a great book for kids. Very age appropriate. My 7 year old will, from time to time, take it down and read some random section and then come to us to discuss it because it's so interesting and engaging. (He's a very good reader -- I'm not sure if the average 7 year old could read it independently.)

At her age you might try a cell from the Mommy and a cell from the Daddy come together in the special room called the "womb" and makes a baby cell which grows over 40 weeks and becomes a baby. You probably won't need to go into details as to HOW the cells come together at this age. It is also OK to say you can tell her more as she gets older. We don't have to tell everything just because they ask. Its OK to say we can talk more about it when you are ... 8?...10?... 12?(fill in the blank)
My favorite example is a recollection from Corrie ten Boom. She was traveling on a train with her Grndfather as a young child. When the train stopped at the station he told her to pick up the suitcase. It was far too heavy for her to lift. He said that was the same as some information she was asking about. He said He would "hold it" until she was old enough to "carry it " herself.

I have seven children . It has been my experience that the best way to handle awkward questions is first of all, truthfully. Secondly, simply.
If an adult asked a doctor how a procedure is done, the doctor does not go into a prolonged harrangue complete with medical terminology, yes?
When your little girl asks how babies are made, a truthful simple answer is that God made Mommies and Daddys in such a way that their love could culminate in a baby.
If she pushes it ( bright ones sometimes do) then answer that Moms and Dads have special body parts for the job.
Always use the correct terminology. Children should be aware of the right names for things.
Again, answer simply as possible, do NOT introduce anything that would open the door to more questions, and do not answer in a manner more sophisticated than her brain is. ALWAYS be honest with your answers.
She maybe looking for a simple answer , yes?
And I do so wish you young mums would get away from the books somewhat and use your gut and common sense.
I am sure you can handle it just fine dear. Just run over some simple answers in your mind beforehand and you will be prepared for her questions.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

My son BEGGED me at age five to explain to him how babies are made. I decided to explain it honestly and in terms that he would understand. I told him that boys have half of the "ingredients" in their privates to make a baby, and girls have the other half in their privates. When boys and girls get old enough, the ingredients become active; when they're little the ingredients are not active. When boys and girls become men and women and find someone they love enough to have a baby with, they put their privates together in the right way so that a baby can be made. If the time is right, the baby will be made.

It was very comical because a few days later while in the tub, he grabbed himself "down there" and said, "You mean there's half a baby in there?" :-)

As time has gone on (he's now nine) we've continued explaining more about sex in more complex and mature terms. Now he knows about the need for protected sex to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. He's also aware of homosexuality and other aspects of sexual life. We take a progressive and open view on sex as a natural part of life and something that he'll encounter, so we want him to be informed by us before an uninformed source "teaches" him (blind leading the blind). Every family is different and you may have religious considerations that guide what you talk about and how. This is what we do and how we do it.

Good luck!

this is a great book for discussing sexuality at all ages:

Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738202932?ie=UTF8&t...

As everyone else has said, be truthful and open with her and use the correct terms for body parts.
I believe that its necessary for children to understand about their bodies and sexuality from a very early age, even if they don't ask, as a safety issue. They need to be comfortable with their bodies and familiar with what is and is not appropriate. This may seem slightly off-topic, but issues of the body and sexuality cannot be separated from issues of protecting ones body from predators.

I've explained to my daughter a lot about pregnancy, while I was pregnant with her twin sisters & after they were born. She's 5 1/2 now. Most of her questions haven't concerned how the baby started... I've told her a bit about "the seed from the daddy and the egg from the mommy" and that was enough to satisfy her. I don't think kids actually need a description of sex at this age. Oh, we've also talked about mammals vs birds/reptiles/fish and the differences with their eggs... how mammals have their eggs on the inside instead, etc, and about how mammals nurse their babies. I've found these conversations are a lot more in line with what she's wondering about, and also with what she's learning about elsewhere.

The funniest conversation she had was when she said "I know the babies (her twin sisters) came out from a hole in your belly (C-section).... but how did I come out?" So I described a bit about the baby emerging from the vagina... she was STUNNED. She held her fingers up a little bit apart and said, "A newborn baby must be about this big!"

S.,

I don't know if you are religious or not but there is a book called 'God gave us you' that is a story of a bear family that might help.
You can also say something like - when a mommy and daddy love each other and decide they want a baby that they (ask God, love each other (you could mean hugs) or fill in the blank here) to have that baby.

L. M

I would give him the info he wants at the time. True story, a friend's son asked her the same question when he was around 5 1/2 and she launched into the entire sex/reproductive talk. After, she paused and her son said, "you better watch out for that man" she asked "what man" "daddy" he replied! He probably doesn't want the entire story at this point. Of course, use correct terms, but info as needed I think.

It truly is only a matter of time that this subject comes up and I agree with the other posters who said that kids have no idea this is seen as an uneasy subject to talk about. I think part of that is because so many of us have not been taught accurate information about our bodies or that it is all perfectly natural. However, saying that, it does not mean that there are not better times and places to address the issue. I think that the most important thing is to give accurate and age appropirate information - there is a HUGE difference between simplifying (seed from daddy and egg from mommy or the baby lives in a special organ inside mommy until it is born) and not giving accurate information (the baby lives in the belly or mommy "just became" pregnant). While it may seem "easier" to make something up or to use made up names for body parts, this will only end up confusing and potentially scaring some kids. I think the other piece is that they are asking because they are curious and if we, as parents or teachers, are not able to provide information they will keep looking until they find an answer - unfortunately we then have no control over what they hear/learn.

As someone who has done a lot of work with health teachers and sexuality education, the books by author Robie Harris - "It's So Amazing" (ages 4-8) and "It's Not The Stork" (grades K-3) are fantastic tools. They are accurate and age approprite but tell the "story" in an engaging and funny way with lots of pictures. It also helps the parent have a back-up and something to refer to in case we don't remember everything. They can be found on Amazon (and I am sure other sites too).

The only caveat I have, is make sure you look at the book (or any other material you are going to use) prior to reading it with your child. You wouldn't want any surprises along the way ;)

In terms of answering questions as they come up and if you don't have the book with you - the best thing to do is stay calm. It is perfectly fine to delay the question until you are home, but do be sure to bring it back up - we all know how kids memories work. Also, the answers can be short and if you allow the child to ask follow-up questions you will understand what it is they are looking for without giving too much info.

Good luck!

For that age, we talk about the "special hug" that mommies and daddies do. We explain that when they do the special hug, part of daddy joins with part of mommy to make a new baby that stays inside mommy for 9 months until the baby can be born. They don't need or really want the specifics at that age. I know my oldest daughter read about the actual act in the Usbourne Big Book of KNowledge at the age of nine and was pretty traumatized by the graphic description of it and wished that she didn't know after that. We have found that this gives enough details to satisfy but still maintains their innocence and can be built upon as they grow. It's a subject that freaks us out as parents but as a peditrician once pointed out, if they lived on a farm, they would know all about it from the animals on the farm. I grew up on a farm and had a general knowledge of it, but it is easier to digest when it is animals than when they picture mom and dad. That is why "Special Hug" works for us for the little ones. Good luck!

When i worked at a daycare as a preschool teacher (while pregnant), i got this question A LOT! I have found that asking them what they think first is the key. "Where do you think they come from/come out?". Usually they give you some sort of crazy answer, and at that age, i think the most appropriate thing to do is agree with whatever they say. 6 and a 1/2 is kind of young for a sex talk or the exact truth. I would just wait and see where she thinks they come from!