The Big "N" Word... NO

I've made it a game with myself to use the word "no" as little as possible with my daughter. The main thing is, what do I really want her to be doing? If it's not touching "Mama's things", then I suggest that she play with her own toys, and lead her over there. If it's dropping food on the floor at mealtimes, I tell her that if she doesn't want it, please put it on the tray. It actually works really well---she gets it, and we always have to do it lots of times to practice, and then sometimes she forgets after a month or two and tests the boundary again, so we practice some more, but the emphasis on the positive "what do I want to see her doing?" actually makes me a lot less frustrated in the long run.
It's a great exercise in positive thinking for me, as well---focusing on what I want in my own life rather than what I don't want.

I'm not real big on the NO word personally. When my baby or very young child would touch something that I didn't want them to, or head in a direction I didn't want them to, I just moved them and offered a different alternative. NO will come soon enough. At this age the child is easily distracted and more than willing to re-direct. If you find that re-direction is not working I always moved to "that is not ok" as I moved him/her to another activity "lets do this instead" as I gave them something else. This way they learned boundaries, but also learned that there are other things we can do instead. You will come to love that as they get older and you are a pro at the re-directing thing! good luck to you.

The best advice I ever heard regarding "no" and young kids is: only use no when you can control the situation. For example, say no if you can physically take something away or remove the child from a situation. Otherwise no means nothing to them. They have to see that there is a real consequence if they don't listen to no. You could say "no throwing this, no touching that" but you have to do something if they don't stop.

Even if it seems silly, kids understand more than you think. Explain why he's not supposed to do what he's doing. You'll not only help him understand why, you'll help build his understanding and vocabulary! Reserve the stronger "NO" for times when he's going to hurt himself (running into the street, playing with an outlet, touching the stove), otherwise he can become numb to the word. But always follow a "no" with why it's a no!

I agree with Jlbriggsdom 100%.
I wish I had learned this lesson when my were a lot younger.
We spend so much time telling them no, behave and trying to make htem say out of trouble but very little time giving hem an alternative, guiding them, showing them what they should be doing instead.
Kids will get into things, they want to explore, feel new things and learn about the world around them. Rather than get frustrated with their inate ability to find the one thing they should not be getting into, guide, lead and teach-
Rather than get frustrated because they have dumped out your purse or are trying to get into your purse- give them a bag of their own, put things they are allowed to have in it and let dump it and put it back together-
keep their hands busy with what is good for them and they will be less likely to seek out what is not -

interestingly enough, this works very well for teenagers too!

TJ's right. Save an urgently expressed "NO!" or "STOP!" for the really important moments when your son MUST be protected from whatever he's about to do. Otherwise, I have found it works well to calmly state something like, "Please don't do that." "Let's do this instead; see how much fun we'll have!" "If you x, then y will happen." "If you want to throw, I need you to throw only soft toys." "Please put that down, right now." "You can do that two more times, and then it's time for lunch." (Notice the polite tone, also important if you want a polite child.)

And whatever you do, enforce your instruction immediately. Don't give your child a chance to develop the habit of ignoring you, or expecting that you won't follow through. It will require extra effort from you now, but I promise you, it will pay off. When you say no, or explain quietly why you don't want him to do something, be prepared to stop the action yourself, immediately and without drama, by removing your son from the temptation, or the temptation from your son.

I have found that there are hundreds of ways to say no that don't use that word, which kids will quickly learn to tune out if they hear it constantly, especially if you are slow to enforce it. Use an attractive distraction when you can.

And pick your demands carefully. He also needs a little leeway to learn the consequences of dropping, spilling, falling, etc., for your explanations to have some real meaning. Giving him some opportunity to do what he wants in a guided, playful way will cut down his frustration and give him a chance to do what he needs to do: explore and discover. Becky L's ideas are right on target.

Your child will persist in doing whatever he is curious about. He's just a normal little guy, and that persistence will serve him well as he learns how his body, his family, and the world work. And its your job, mama, to help guide his attitudes, expectations and behavior with love, consistency, and understanding. And tremendous patience and persistence of your own.

The best thing you can do is totally babyproof your home so that there isn't anything bad for him to get into. Put it all up and away where he can't get it so it's no longer an issue. Then you don't need to say "no" all day, and he will be one smart kid who can entertain himself and exlplore and have a wonderful time. Put child locks on the cabinets, but maybe leave one open with some things inside (clean yogurt cups, spoons, etc.) that he can play and have fun exploring. These little guys have powerful urges, and there really is no stopping them. That's how they learn. I get this from John Rosemond and his book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. His website is www.rosemond.com. You can get the book there, or cheap on amazon.com. I highly recommend it. Good luck!

I would use a combination of "no" and redirect. The reason I suggest redirect is that children at 1 year of age probably understand "no", but they simply don't have impulse control yet. In other words, they know you don't want them to touch that outlet and may stop when you say 'no', but they'll go right back to it without further intervention.

I have found the best thing to help the word "NO" to be well understood is to hold it for specifically dangerous problems, things. If he is going for a fireplace that is on NO would be a very wise choice in words. But if the fireplace is not on and not an immediate danger just say HOT Don't touch. We use words like Hot, Pretties, ouchies...in place of NO a lot and has helped out. We are having a lot more difficulty with this with our 15 month old son then we did with out 3 year old daughter. And it could be just a boy thing or be that he hears the word more then out daughter ever did since we tell it to her also. And remember that they understand a lot more then you might think...so explain away they will understand!

Toddlers are much smarter than we give them credit for... He is fully capable of learning "no" although I would change it to "This not for you" and save "no" for emergencies and dangerous situations. He is also old enough to learn "stay" when you are changing his diaper or "sit" when you are in a bus or at church. Just because he can't say it, doesn't mean he doesn't know what it means. Just be consistant and they will eventually get it... some faster than others. It may seem like a million times "no", but each time you are consistant, it teaches them and then one day it just clicks. (Oh, she doesn't want me to touch that.) It isn't that he isn't listening, it's just that it hasn't happened enough times (touching then correction) for him to make the connection.
Also, the sooner you start a rule, the sooner it because habit. When I started feeding my 7 month old, I would say "No toys at the table." and now that she is 4, it has never been an issue. If she brings a toy, sometimes she will say, "Oh, no toys at the table." Be completely consistant (as much as you can) and you will see a difference. Training a child is like training an animal. (No insult to either.) Imagine teaching a dog not to jump on the couch. If sometimes you tell him no and take him off the couch, but sometimes you "love him up" when he jumps up next to you, he will *never* get the message. Toddlers are the same way. Be consistant and he will "get it".

Our job as parents is to direct their exporation of the world. To just let a child roam (even though they are safe) doesn't teach them anything. These "free to explore" kids will just pick up something and set it down somewhere else...without even realizing it. It doesn't matter if it belongs to them or someone else. Kids need to be taught respect things. There are guidelines to what should be touched such as "it isn't yours" or "it is dangerous". They will use these guidelines their entire lives especially in school. Remember that part of teaching your child to be "smart" is to teach them social interaction. Your kid sure isn't going to be considered "smart" in school if the teacher has to keep telling him to sit down. (That is your job.) To let them go/do whatever they want doesn't make them smarter, it just teaches them that they can go and do whatever they want. You (or someone else)will pay for it later. When the time comes to start "discipling", watch out. There will come a time that you will have to start directing their behavior and the sooner you start, the less painful it will be. (Hey, I've always been allowed to do whatever I want. Why do I have to pee just in this one place?)
You can't just put a child in a library and expect them to learn. They have to be taught how to use it. That's what you are doing by teaching your child to have a thought process when he is about to touch something. What is "smart" is when they can apply what they have been taught to other things about which they have not be taught.(Is this mine? Is it dangerous? Is it too heavy for me? OK. I can touch it.)
If you want your child to learn to play by themselves, put them in a safe place a couple times a day with safe toys and leave them alone. When they make a noise to get your attention, hesitate for a moment before going to them, if they don't go back to what they are doing, then go see what they need.

Hi J.. I am a 35 year old mom with 4 children and a great husband. I have 9 year old twin boys, a 5 year old daughter and a just turned 1 yesterday baby girl :)So, I am in that "no, no" stage again too. When my 5 year old was in this stage I felt like I was starting to say NO constantly. I didn't like how I was starting to sound to myself and was also worried how I might be sounding in public. So for the little things, like picking lint and paper off the floor to put it in her mouth, I would nicely say, "Thank you" and smile and take it away from her. She often went on crawling with no trouble. Occassionally I'd have to relplace it with something she could have. Eventually, I wouldn't even be around and she'd come to me with something in her hand and say, "ank ooo" and hand it to me. It was GREAT!! I've just started doing that with my 1 year old and am keeping my fingers crossed that is has the same great outcome! But, for things that really matter (like getting into things that could hurt or poison them) I stick with a firm no and swift removal. If they persist with that look in their eye of, "I'm just going to try again" I'm not opposed to a firm no with a flick or tap on the hand. I know it's popular to not truly discipline kids anymore, but little babies like ours can't be logically explained things. Their little minds sometimes need the connection that, "when I do that, my hand hurts". Again though, I save that for important stuff, not every little thing. Good luck...hope this helped a little.

Hi there, just one more mom agreeing with the redirect approach. I read somewhere that toddlers hear the word NO about a zillion times more than they hear the word YES. I tried being specific: Hot, ouch, not safe, be gentle, hands on your tummy. (I am not saying I was 100% successful ! :-)

My sister-in-law thought I was nuts (make that Capital N-uts) at the level of babyproofing I did. She strongly disagreed with me when I removed as many baby-enticing objects from the baby's reach as I could. She was a proponent of leaving some things out that I could say NO to. My sil thought I should give my baby practice with the word NO, I looked at it like I was "tempting" the baby to get in trouble. Why leave little land mines around when I know she's going to get into it and have to hear NO one more time? I figured she'd hear it enough as it was.
The baby turned out to be a respectful 12 year old, despite my sister in law's opinion of my "unrealistic" approach.

Good luck!

We learned from our daycare a good way to help our son learn what not to do. At his daycare, they simply say "No, thank you, no ...." throwing, hitting, whatever, and they redirect the child, or show how to properly do something. I think the thank you is a good reminder to the parent to remain composed, and not be irritated or angry, but remember that you are helping the child learn, and have a nurturing approach. When we've accidently used a sharp no, (when we were alarmed), our son melts into tears, so that would only be for a more critical situation. I don't want our son to be desensitized, and need yelling to react to a simple point.

J.,
You are right. It is important for your son to listen to you and understand when things are not for him to get into. In order for him to understand completely you need to use more words than just no. This will also help when he starts responding to you in his own voice with no. The last thing you want from him is a one word no so make sure you don't set that example.
Instead of saying no, use sayings and explanations that he can understand. "Off limits," "dangerous", "unsafe", "Mommy's stuff", are all better sayings than no in his ears. Redirect him to an appropriate activity and hope he losses interest in the inappropriate object.
I also must warn you that you are now entering the time of no sitting. Once they can walk, you must walk and be near them in order for them to listen to what you are saying. Start to observe the parents who sit at the park bench and yell at their kids from across the playground verses the parents who are right next to their kids on the playground and notice which children follow directions better and how much more fun the families are having by not yelling because of distance.
When my kids were little, I used no so seldom that they know if I said it they were in danger. Usually my no included an increased voice and meant they had stepped out into the street of were about to hurt themselves and they would stop to wonder why mom was behaving so oddly.
Good luck with everything. This new mobile stage offers all sorts of fun things but comes with increased leg muscles and shortness of breath on the parents part.

J.,

For both our kids, 4 1/2 and 16 months, we've done the same thing. If it's the stove/heater/candle we'd say "no, hot!" a few times, then let them touch it to learn hot. I remember this recently with my daughter and a candle I had burning on top of the entertainment center (think five feet off the floor).

As we picked her up she'd want to touch the candle, to see what it was. We'd tell her no, hot. Big owies. She kept insisting so we finally let her get close enough to touch the flame. She also got some of the hot wax on her finger at the same time. Since then she hasn't been to keen to touch my candles.

Just use short words in short sentences for your little one. He's all about exploring and learning at this point. I admit that letting my daughter try to grab the candle flame was probably not the best idea, but it sure beats the heck out of say, dumping a lot of hot wax all over herself trying to do the same thing. Granted I wouldn't leave an unsupervised baby in the same room as an open flame, but the point is; let them learn in a controlled way that prevents bigger injuries.

If he just isn't listening carry him to another room and distract him with something else entirely. Thankfully at one they're still easily distracted.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi J.
My first thought is do you know what the word NO means? The 1 year old hears the sound and is attempting to figure out what that sound relats to in his world. If he hears the sound and even if it is louder and more intense it does not relate to anything other than he is getting attention. There needs to be an action on your part that he can understand. If he sees the flame of a candle and wants to touch it he only knows it is interesting and does not understand that it can hurt him, even if you are yelling NO NO NO that only confuses him. until he feels the flame and is burned will he know and understands, that he sees a flame and you say no it might hurt him. His brain is trying to navigate this interesting world and does not have a clue as to what can be touched and what will harm him. Picture this, you are dropped off in the middle of the amazon forest and expected to hike out, would you know what to do to survive the trip? Probably not. If you had an experanced guide to show you what to eat and what not to touch you would have a much better chance. You are that guide for your son.
There are a lot of good sugestions on diverting attention, if you do it in a teaching way and not in a way that his brain shuts down and blocks you out he will learn and you will also.
You son may LOOK like he understands and he may or he may not. He will test you to see if no is really no or is it maybe. Follow threw with action not yelling or hitting but teaching.
Remember that a child is a sponge and will accureatly reflect the parents. If the child is doing some thing you do not like look at where he learned it from and in the early stages that is the parents.
Good luck being the teacher and the student. The child has much to teach you as you do him

S.

Hi J.-
Al lot of great advice. I have to second the advice to be sure to save "No" for the most important things. I taught my daughter "No touch." I also taught her "touch." She touches gently when that is the command. She knew this difference at age one. I also tell her she can look at and touch but not pick up. They can understand these differences....and there is a huge range of HOW to touch things. Saying NO and YES is just too black and white.
Here is my nugget of advice. Observe when your child is more impulsive....I found with my daughter it is ABSOLUTELY related to fatigue. She doesn't listen as well when tired. At age one, your child should probably be at 2 naps a day and bedtime early....7 to 8. Just a gauge to help keep the impulsiveness to a minimum.
Hope this helps. A.

You know what it's like when you are hungry and someone tells you that you can't have it. He is just curious and he wants to feel it. If you can, be with him and hold it, let him touch it once, but say, this is a "pretty" and we shouldn't play with it. Giving the reason why is the best way to inform rather than just demanding NO.

Hi J.,

This is a big challenge a lot of parents have with their little ones. I have found that the word "no" is more effective when it is used less. Children focus on the "no" and stop doing/using/eating what they shouldn't, but they also hold onto the word itself. Consequently, we often end up with toddlers who use that word nonstop, exploring their own power over their world.

One thing I like to do with toddlers is to minimize the "no's", instead, telling children what I want them to do. My son responds well to repeated phrases like "Give it to Mama, please" or "Stop"; directions that are simple and direct. This makes the "no's" less frequent, and makes our house more pleasant. It also teaches children to ask for what they want instead of telling us "no".

A word of reality here: it takes some children a months to understand directions.

I also gently physically assist the child when necessary. A respectful, kind touch is helpful, so is understanding that youngsters need a little help transitioning into what you want them to be doing. A child is happier letting go of the fork when you offer them something else to play with. Remembering to help a child transition out of one activity to another (the outbursts that often accompany leaving the park or just about anyplace, for example)is really helpful in keeping the peace. For a child, saying goodbye to the surroundings and people there that they've been interacting with-- even if it's just a sign or the man walking the dog-- helps immensely in preparing them to leave. You don't need to interact with these people personally, but just mention them as you leave.--"Let's wave bye-bye to the ducks. Let's wave bye-bye to the little girl." --I mention this because there are a lot of "no's" around daily transitions, and these are the times that we most want things to be pleasant.

Hang in there and just keep consistent. It's a process, but your son will learn!

Children have an amazing ability to understand words that are consistently used in context. Saying "no" and then prohibiting that item, or "No, you cannot have that" "No, that is not safe for you," etc. will get the point across. I have taught toddlers for many years, and I am always amazed at how much they are able to learn. Rememer that his receptive language is much greater than the speech he actually says to you. It sounds like you are doing a fine job so far, Mama. Blessings to you and yours! :)

He is not one yet and you are not going to be able to make him understand. All you can do is say no and redirect him. He will do the same thing 10 or more times and that is what you are going to have to do. Good Luck!

There was lots of good advice I agree with.
I was just reading in "Everything Toddler" that it takes at least 7 repetitions for something to go into long-term memory and then there are still memory lapses. just emphasizes the importance of repetition.
No matter how much you baby proof or teach positively or distract you still need to say NO to things.

Hi J.,

Here is my take on the whole "No" thing. I tried to avoid using that word as much as possible- I still set limits and disciplined, but I have been around too many kids whose vocabulary almost exclusively is the word no. Also, if kids hear it enough, they will start tuning it out. It takes a little more thought and creativity, but I think it's worth the effort. For example, you can say "Please stop..." "Hitting is NOT OK", "Chairs are for sitting". At the earlier ages, redirection and giving choices that are OK help too. "If you want to jump, do it on the ground where it is safe (instead of the bed)". If they are playing with something you don't want them to, say, "That is not a good toy, let's play with this one...". If you reserve "NO" for the immediate danger things, they are more likely to respond to it.

It is also not too early to start time outs. They may not work perfectly at first, but they will learn the process. I think the most important part to remember is tone of voice, expression, and getting down to their level (eye to eye). Let them know that what they did makes you very unhappy and you won't put up with it. Hope this helps!

Hello J.,
What I found with my four kids is constantly repeating myself when they were that age. You have to find that one thing that gets his attention but he is just a year old. By 1 some toddlers understands better than others.You will find yourself saying alot of things over and over until yo start to think your crazy.LOL You have to reinforce boundaries as soon as you feel he understands but even in setting those boundaries he will still test the waters. So stand firm and don't give in to him.

At his age, it might take a while before he responds to no. The best you can do is continue to say no when he is doing something he shouldn't do and make him stop doing it. If you start now, as he gets older he will get the idea and start responding.

This is the time to start to be consistent with your child. If you tell him no, then you also need to back it up. For example if he's getting into a drawer he's not supposed to go into try, "No, that is not your drawer" and then move him away from the drawer and redirect his attention towards something (say another drawer that he can play in). The key is to redirect the child's energy towards something you want them to do (as similar to the activity they were doing) and then praise them when they do it. It's recommended that you also explain to them why you're saying no. While I found this wasn't as effective at 1 years old as it is at say 16 months, it really is amazing what children can understand and it's good to get into the habit of explaining things to them as early as possible. A short and simple explanation is best. "No, please don't go by the stove it's hot and can hurt you. Let's play with your blocks instead".

I hope this helpful. Good luck!
E.

At this age it just takes a lot of redirect. Saying "NO" if you want that to be the word you use and then finding him something that is a "YES". If you are consistant about what is and isn't okay, he should figure it out, it will take quite some time though. Good Luck and lots of patience to you.

What kind of "No" are you saying? It needs to be firm and with a look that he understands. It won't take long. If he continues to touch something a tap on his hand and a firm No will get the message across loud and clear.
They do understand and are testing and if you let him win it will be bad as he gets older. Trust me 30 years of taking care of kids and the ones that are given the inch take the foot.
Good luck.

Ahh the true meaning of parenting.....The rules that I follow:
1. Consistancy - you must be consistant - "no means NO"....period, no buts about it.

2. Follow through.....you must get off the couch and follow through with what you say. If you don't follow through - you son will begin to think that he can still do whatever and will continue against your will....you want to nip that in the bud.

ok - so there are really 2 major rules that I follow myself. Even though he is 1yrs - he understands you. You don't need to be all mean and such, but firm. I agree with the comment - no and then re-direct. You will find your nitch on how to handle your baby/toddler. You will be tired of the word no....it does get better if you stick to your guns. You will be rewarded in the end. My two year old is just awesome - he has his days where it can be a battle, but overall - I/my hubby win. Good luck on your challenge....may the games begin.

Saying it more often will help. But relax, he will learn it soon enough. And then he will use it on you.

At this age you supposed to use the "distraction" method or "say and show". You say: "We don't pull the kitty tail, we pet the kitty nicely" and show. You say: "We don't bang the door, let go and bang on the drums". Keep the "no" for safety reasons, you say "NO" firmly and physically remove him from the situation. Be consistent and he will learn. Using "no" too much will teach him to use "no" too much too and than you will be in a trouble because you will get a "no" even for the things he will do after saying it. Good luck!

I think you could probably start instituting the "naughty step" technique - usually 1 minute per year old.

I think others have pretty much touched on this but what seems to help with my VERY active almost 14 month old is to tell him no when he is getting into something, take the object away and then redirect him to something that is kid approved for him to play with. He may put up a fight at first when you take the object away but the redirection helps distract him and he is usually fine in a matter of seconds or minutes. Consistancy is key. They are still very young so time outs and other disciplinary tools of that nature won't work because they do not understand the concept of time out yet. Good luck I know how it is!!

Absolutely you should teach your little one that when mama says no she means it. You can remove him from the object of interest, put him in a time out, distract him, or hide whatever it is that he thinks he wants but shouldn't have. With my youngest I started giving her time outs around the age of one because no just wasn't enough to get her to stop whatever it was she wasn't supposed to be doing.