The "Aftermath" of Divorce....PART III (Is This EVER Going to END??)

Glamma, it will only end if you let it.

It's time to stop caring, ok? He's somebody else's problem now.

:(

He did not hide you. He did this to tick you off and he succeeded. Don't let the family antics get to you. If you do, he has achieved his goal.

I think the answer is obvious: he just wasn't that into you.
Sorry to be harsh, but come on. You must see the writing on the wall. LITERALLY.
Accept it and MOVE ON. Clearly he has!
And be thankful you are no longer married to a man that doesn't love you!!!

Please stop. Stop wasting your time and your happiness on this situation. You are divorced. He has someone new in his life. He is enjoying her and is posting pictures on Instagram.

Guesses?
- He is proud of his new relationship.
- He is OK posting pictures of an adult, but wouldn't post pictures of his children
- She posted it for him
- He just figured out how to "use FB" and is using it the way it was intended to be used

He doesn't owe you an explanation. Please stop obsessing over your ex-husband. It's unhealthy and will damage your ability to co-parent.

Why is it that you care so much?

The truth is he may not know why he did the things he did, maybe he learned a lesson from your marriage and is trying not to make the same mistakes twice.

The reasons can be endless, but you are divorced....IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. Let it go, find a hobby. Live YOUR life and quit being concerned with his.

Does it really matter? I mean, really, does it? Will any answer or explanation truly satisfy you? Will it change what is happening right now, which is that he is moving on?

My honest opinion is that no matter what he says, it will not give you "closure". Closure comes from within. He probably doesn't really have any kind of real answer himself - he's just a cheating bastard, plain and simple. Nobody on here is a mind reader but I say, good riddance. Let him be someone elses' problem, not yours.

It will end when you stop being emotionally involved in what he does. He has moved on and you should too.

As for the ex SIL, she is an ex. Stop speaking and seeing her. She is just trying to keep the pot boiling and stirring up trouble. You need new friends.

Yes, it hurts when the ex does things with the other person he didn't do with you. But that is life. Know that you are better off without him in your life. You can pick up the pieces and move forward and find love again down the line when daughter is grown. Don't have the guys spend the night at your house or move in with you. Keep that part separate from your little family.

Remember this IS someone else for you. You have to work on you right now and get in a better place before you seek others. If you are in a good place, they will seek you out.

Have a great day.

the other S.

PS No need to beat a dead horse it is already dead so move on.

He didn't hide you, that is just silly talk.

Did he have an instagram account before? I would bet my house he didn't. So they set up the account, she was next to him when he, or even she, posted the picture. It isn't about him, heck it isn't about you, it is nothing.
______________________
NEWSFLASH! Sorry couldn't help myself but hopefully it got your attention. There are several ways to update your profile. One is the button next to your location at the top of this page. The other is on your profile page, I think next to your name. It is towards the top and says edit. There is a third way but for the life of me I can't remember.

If neither of those buttons work for you change browsers. I run Chrome, all my buttons work.

LET. HIM. GO. Let all of the emotional attachment go. Stop thinking about why he did things, or why he didn't. Just STOP.

You've divorced him on paper, now it's time to get him out of your heart and head. You don't need to care why he did or didn't do something. You shouldn't care about what happened in the past because it's done.

HE can't give you closure - only YOU can do that. You need to forgive him for all he's done to you (for YOUR sake, not his) and MOVE FORWARD with your life. You're stuck in limbo if you keep thinking about him and trying to analyze his every action.

To answer your question, my guess is that he thinks he's some young stud back on the dating scene and is plastering it on the internet. Not something to be jealous of.

Plus, how would you feel if you kept finding pictures of the two of YOU online at this point? Be grateful there's no online proof of the two of you together :)

Unless you have a magic wand to change the past, there will never be any answers. Find a yoga class or a therapist and let go of some of your anger.

There are lots of a-holes in the world, and it sounds like you married one.

You're divorced now, so it's time to stop rehashing the past. He's just a @$#%.

Have you been to counseling? Holding on to your anger and constantly revisiting this issue is damaging to you, as well as your daughter.

You are no longer married. You are legally free of the way he treated you, but you are choosing to not be free by rehashing this.

Why will us guessing why he did anything help you? Speculating will only drive you crazy, not solve the problem. You need to let it go.

Stop caring about what was. You are done with him..

If you are not a big facebook person, then who cares. please., please speak with a therapist and get all of this out of your system..

Be happy to move on with your freedom. You are allowing him to sucj your happiness from you.

I have never been divorced but I did have a very traumatic ending to a mil relationship that last a yr. it was a yrs worth of lies and turning family against us and worse. I tell you this because I have been through that kind of gut wrenching anger and hurt and all the "why" I could stomach.

If you dont make some changes, this will make you bitter. You will be part of the bitter ex wives club. It will change you as a person.

You need to cut all ties to the information chain. You need to tell those feeding you info that you don't want to know and don't want to talk about him. It's like uncovering a wound and it will never heal that way. Don't look at a Facebook. Hide anyone else that mentions him.

It will take another year to do a big part of the healing.

---Seriously, your profile states you were getting a divorce in 2008? Same one or is this the second in the last in 5 years? If it's the second, you weren't even with this man long enough for ALL this drama! Sheesh!---

This is gonna hurt.
But you asked for it.

He didn't love you like he loves his new woman.

That's it. Period. End of story. Some people just aren't meant to be together. You are obviously still in love with him if you are asking this question and still bothered by something like this.

It's been a year. He is not coming back to you. Get over it and move on.

Why are you still letting him get to you? I assume you initaited the divorce, so let it go. Let him live his life and do what he wants. Who cares if he posts pictures of the new girl? He's not your problem anymore.

It's time to move on from him. Do whatever you need to do to accomplish that.

Please don't let this creep continue to live rent free in your head. :-( I don't want to speculate on any of the drama details, so I won't. I think they're non-issues and moot points.

Can I tell you what Steve Harvey would answer to your question about "Why didn't he ever post photos of me and our family; why didn't he ever show his wife and children off or let anyone know he was married?"

Hell, why don't we throw in, "Why was he serially unfaithful?"

"Because you weren't The One For Him."

But it's okay because as it turns out he's really really not The One for you either. I know that you thought, for a while, that he was The One. Things must have been great in the beginning before you found out what a pig he is. Reconciling how proud you were and ARE of your children and how you show it versus how you expect him to behave must be difficult... but he's so very different from you! He's so different from the man you first hung out with and fell in love with! He can't and never could live up to your expectations, including simple things like posting photos on Facebook and updating his profile to say "Married to Glamma" because he was always someone else.

Although honestly... my husband is pretty clueless about tech stuff and I had to set up his Facebook. He's been on it for about six months and he still doesn't have a clue how it works or how to use it. He has no idea how to post photos so he "takes" mine. :-)

Anyway. Release him of any expectations, past and present.

Sister, you need to stop this. You should be singing to the heavens, that he isn't your poblem now. Instead, YOU are seeking ways to make him your problem, still. You are burying yourself. STOP. Why do you feel the need to be chained to him? He threw away the key for you a long time ago.

LET HIM GO. This is so dysfunctional and pathetic. Do you really want to be that woman? You are better then this, okay?

Honey, you already know the answer to the question. He didn't acknowledge you publicly because he was cheating on you. Much easier to find women to cheat with when your profile doesn't say you're married and there is no trace of a family in pictures.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Let it go Glamma...gotta move on. Your ex husband is not giving you answers as to why your marriage fell apart. He is not thinking of you. Don't give him so much headspace..a waste of emotional energy.

Break this toxic cycle of worrying about what he is doing now. Find a counselor to talk to and find out why you are caring so much about what he is doing now. He has moved on...you need to move on. Talk to the counselor about why you still care so deeply about a man that didn't give you diddly squat and will never give you diddly squat. Find out ways to get yourself to a healthy place to eventually invite a healthy man into your life.

You deserve closure..and happiness. Find out how YOU can make that possible for yourself. We can't do it for you, your ex SIL can't do it for you and your ex husband can't do it for you.

After my dad walked out on my mom and us four kids, he did a lot of things he never did with her...and started wearing gold necklaces and an open shirt with hair sprawling out..yuck! He just went through a huge self centered phase..only thinking of himself toward the end of their marriage and for a couple years after he walked out. People do weird things...don't try to make sense of it...or as if you did something wrong. He is free from you..from a marital commitment to you and God. He is playing around and carefree. Don't make comparisons to what he is doing now with someone and what he didn't do with you. It will drive you batty.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I wish you the best of luck...please go talk to someone.

Your SIL just got you all riled up. She isn't helping you let go, is she?

the girlfriend may have insisted he put up the pic, he may be feeling unconfident and needs to prove that he's still "got it", he may have mastered social media sites more than in the past, he may have been wanting to look younger and more carefree by not having his wife (you) and kid up there, who knows?

The point is, it's HIS problem and HIS issue, and you're letting him get the better of you. You're needing to make sure everyone knows you are better looking than the girlfriend. You want him to be better at stuff he did in the past. If he were a better person, you'd still be married to him.

You cannot give your child a happy mama if you stay so angry. I am sure he has wronged you but only you can let it go, be the bigger person, and demand happiness for yourself. Until you stop worrying about making him miserable and making sure everyone knows he's a jerk, you will never be happy with yourself. For your child's sake, try to treat her father with respect, don't cut him down to his face or to others (even anonymously like on MP), be completely emotionless the next time your SIL engages you ("Oh my, how would I know? I wish him only happiness and I don't want you to try to engage me in his private business."), and don't get sucked into these discussions. If you're done with this guy, be done with him.

I have come to discover that by trying to figure out someone else and their actions or lack thereof, just isn't possible.. I think what's more important is that you determine for yourself why it bothers you so much... Coming to terms with what IS and not what you want something to be is also very helpful because it releases you from the past.. So what is in your case. You are divorced, your ex has moved on, he did apologize for hurting you.. Now you can accept what is... OR keeping running through your mind all the ways in which you feel hurt. Ask yourself .... Do I want to keep hurting or do I want to move on have feel happy... Resentments just keep us stuck.... you have a choice here.. I think it's a good idea NOT to make others responsible for our happiness...

I agree with everyone who has said just stop. It's not your life or husband, but 'just somebody that you used to know' (to quote Gotye). Time to get some counselling.

could just be a technology thing. perhaps the new gf is tech savy and was showing him how to work with his cell phone pics and showing him cool instigram features.

Whatever the reason, you are your own worst enemy right now. Try not to fixate on this kind of stuff, you'll drive yourself mad. FYI, there is no closure around this corner or that, there is only time and letting it go.

wow! all this anger and jealousy a whole year later!
get thee to counseling, hon.
khairete
S.

What he does now with his girlfriend has nothing to do with what he did or didn't do with you. I did things in my relationship with Person A that I never did with B, and things with C that I never did with either A or B, or anyone after C.
You need to stop comparing his behavior with her to his behavior with you. All it's doing is driving your blood pressure up.
"Why" is irrelavant at this point. It's done. You're divorced. It's over. He can't cheat on you ever again. So stop letting him continue to hurt you by obsessing over WHY he cheated, WHY he treats the new girlfriend better than he treated you. He's out of your house, now get him out of your head, and make your own life.

I'm sorry. You just need to find the healing for yourself. I was married 13 years. He never posted a pic of us. I don't know why. I'm a year out as well, but realize now it doesn't matter. Yes, I was his wife and had his two children, but mean nothing to him. Life goes on and you can be happy or sad. Yes, it is hell and there are still sad days, but I have a true joy for life now. You have to heal somehow. You won't get answers to those old questions. It's best to let it go.

If you would like a good Christian group Elisabeth Klein Corcoran has a facebook group and blog for recently divorced women and women in difficult marriages.

Just a guess . . .

Whatever the reason is, it's ALL ABOUT HIM. Maybe she gives him bj's for posting her pic. Maybe she nags the heck out of him. Maybe he's just discovered how to post pics. Who the heck knows. Who cares? As Theresa N. so aptly put it - HE IS SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW. Thank heavens probably.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You probably need some help to process it all, and to understand that sometimes people are jerks for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Even if it did, your worth is NEVER tied up in someone else's opinion of you.

JMO.

I honestly would not worry about it. There could be many reasons. She may have insisted that he put it on there.

Your ex sil seems to love stirring the pot of your emotions huh. Here's the deal: The more you look to building your future the less you'll care about why your ex did what he did/when he did/how he did. Stop looking to him for answers because he's not willing to 1) take responsibility for anything he did or said 2) change to make your family work 3) treat you with the honor and respect you should be treated.

Stop putting any focus on him as a person other than his connection to your child. Work on building yourself up by making a happy life that doesn't include him at all.

Are you still doing every thing in the same way as you were doing it while married to your husband? If so, I suggest that you need to find a way to branch out and become a more interesting person. We should all be growing and changing, adding new interests and finding new ways to relate in the world. All of the time.

I suggest that he's reacting differently to this woman because she's a different woman. Perhaps she suggested he do it. Perhaps he realized he'd missed out with you.

Be glad he says he's sorry he hurt you. Know that he probably doesn't know why he did what he did a year or more ago. Do you remember what you did and why 1, 2, 3 years ago.

Yes, it's time to find a way to let go of all this anger. I urge you to get counseling not only for your sake but the sake of the children. This is their father you're angry with. And they are a part of their father. When you denigrate him you're also telling them that they're not good enough too.

After ;your SWH: You can change anything that you've written by clicking on edit. And you sound angry as if the divorce was recent. One year is plenty long enough for you to have figured out a way to begin getting rid of your anger. Get therapy so you have help figuring this out!

Why is your ex sister in law telling YOU her brother has a new girlfriend and sending you a picture? It seems you have not lived with this man in over five years why are you focused on anything he does except when it pertains to your kids?

It seems like you're driving yourself crazy thinking about what he does, how he treated you in your marriage and his realtionships now. This kind of energy is unhealthy. I'm sure he and his family feel it, it's damaging to you and it robs you of a clear mind to move forward. When thoughts of him come into your mind push them away and find something positive and rewarding to focus on. You need to move on.

I saw a comedy show not that long ago where the comedian said he came out of a long term marriage and didn't know the new protocol of Facebook, Instagram and snap chat. Times are changing.

He is your ex....please move on and save yourself the heartache. You can't change him. Live your life as happy as you can.

Maybe he was not very good on how to post pictures on Facebook or how to change profiles. Perhaps his new girlfriend is more tech savvy and has helped him update his pages including her pictures. She may be trying to "mark her territory" by posting her picture on his page.
You may not get the closure you are looking for, you may not get all the answers you are looking for. If your anger can not be controlled, please consider some counseling to understand how to better deal with him and your past. He is not worth it- learn how to channel your emotions in a more positive way. good luck!

It could be he was simply not as active online in the past. But chances are he really does not know or understand himself why he behaved like he did with you. My husband had an affair, and even after a year of twice weekly therapy sessions he could not put to words exactly why he cheated. I still struggle with self worth issues, I wonder why I was not good enough (I get some of that feeling from you behind this post) but the truth is I am good enough, and so are you, he is the one with the fault, and he may never understand why he did what he did, and since he doesn't, he can't explain it to you. And honestly, if he could explain it, would it really make you feel better about it?

Glamma,
I am sorry to hear you are still in pain about this. I do think it would be best if you talk to a therapist about this. To be so infuriated that he has moved on, a year later, is not healthy. What he does no longer has anything to do with you (unless it has to do with parenting decisions).
Listen, I get that it sucks when an old love moves on. But who he dates and what he posts on facebook have NOTHING to do with you. Who knows why people make the decisions they do. I had a fiance that cheated on me with a girl that literally looked like my twin sister. Why would he do that? Who knows! But I would imagine it had nothing to do with ME and everything to do with HIM. He did not want to be in a relationship with me, and good riddance because he was and still is a mess.
Your ex SIL is stirring the pot and had no business contacting you about this. It sounds like she is trying to get a rise out of you and she sounds like a toxic person. I would ignore ignore ignore...talk to your therapist to gain some tools to help you move on and focus on the healthy and happy things in life rather than what your sucky ex husband is up to.

I'm confused as a post in 2008 says you're recently divorced so that's 5 years ago... Maybe 5 years ago is when you started proceedings and it took 4 years to finish...? But if the divorce started even 2 years ago, I would chalk this up to technology. A year even can make a big difference how technologically savy someone is. And then the deeper question is why you care so much. Do you still love him? As much as you hate to admit it? Deep down? I think this is just a symptom of a deeper issue for you. I tortured myself with a boyfriend I wanted to marry but he said he never wanted to get married. It bothered me for years and years. About 15 years later, he's still not married so I finally believe him. :) And now I wouldn't care if he did get married. It ceased being an issue for me quite a while ago but my point is it can take years. You need distance and acceptance. He may not have been into you enough or it was timing. My sister is a catch and she had a serious boyfriend for years who also didn't want to get married. He finally did years later and I don't think it's bc his wife is "better' than my sister. Either his wife is a slightly better fit or he changed. Your ex sounds like a jerk. He's likely still a jerk and none of this has anything to do with you. Or his new girl friend is a slightly better fit and/or the timing is just better for who he is as a person now. Often it's a combo of all these things. LIkely he's still a jerk though and you're better off without him. If you do still love him, accept that. Accept this hurts. But keep faith it will fade with time. There will come a day that you don't care. And likely he can't explain this btw. Geez - the things men do that really are totally illogical they can't explain... The list is unending. But he does say he's sorry. He can't help I guess that he's shallow etc. I often am glad i married a man who really cares about family. Some men just don't. I think of the heartache I likely would have endured if I'd convinced that boyfriend to marry me and have kids when he just wasn't a family guy. Often it's about maturity though and maybe your husband is going to mature and be a better family man someday. You have to be prepared for that. Sucks but you can't control it. Work on what you can do to be happy with how things are.

I'd say he did that because he was looking. Looking for an opportunity to cheat, flirt, find a secret girlfriend, etc....that's the only reason that makes sense.

Bet he didn't do it
Bet *she* did
to see the reaction it got
(and because she *knows*....)

I could kick your ex-SIL... she needs to shut it so you aren't hearing anything about this guy.

Wonder if the new GF made a big fuss about wanting him to do it.

Since you are asking:

First, don't ask questions to which you may not want the answers. Second, if you truly want this to "ever end", don't keep engaging in conversations which get you all up in his business.

Lastly, you will have closure to your marriage to the extent that you stop looking outside of yourself for it. Remember, you said it yourself that you will never get diddly squat from this jerk.