The 18 Year Old !? Do I Just Say Clean up or Move Out on a Set Date?

I would start pricing area apartments and tell him that by this date he will be paying rent, either to you or to an apartment complex. Use the money to pay for a cleaning service (for the rest of the house, not his room) and save for when he is ready to move. If he doesn't pay or move on his own, pack up his stuff and have it ready to go on the move by date.

On the school issue, not all 18 yr olds are ready for college. It is better to wait for him to be ready than force the issue and have him flunk out (and waste a ton of money).

I was given a car by my mom when I turned 16 and she paid for everything. I lived at home from 18 until I bought my first home when I was 24. During that time before I moved out, I paid $250 per month to my mom for rent. I also decided I wanted a newer car so the new car payments were my responsibility as well as insurance and gas. She paid for utilities, etc. I also notified her of where I was and if I would be gone overnight so she had a *general* idea so she didn't worry. If you are going to allow your son to stay home, you need to set some rules. He either follows them or he's out. Good luck.

Well, what else are you providing him? If he enjoys things like internet (change the password on your router), electricity (shut off the breaker for his room and padock the breaker box), running water for showers (shut off the spigot to his bathroom) and laundry (shut off the breaker to the washer and dryer), food, etc., he'll contribute to cleaning up.

Make it clear that you aren't to be used. He needs to appreciate what you provide to him or get out.

Yes - I answered your other question. March 15. He either goes to school or gets a job and starts his life.

I'm glad he does have a job... however, here is another option he could look into.

Americorps has a program called National Civilian Community Corps, or NCCC....

http://www.americorps.gov/about/programs/nccc.asp

It is for 18-24 year olds, and is a 10 month program. 2 of my 4 kids did this program, and it basically enjoyed it.

Basically, you are assigned to a "campus", where you are assigned to a team. That team goes out on "spikes" or work assignments, either in that same city, or even in a different state. The work assignments are usually very physical, like trail work, cleaning up/restoring areas after major storms (like Joplin Missouri, or Louisiana/Mississippi after Katrina), working with youth on projects, and such. These work assignments usually last 4-6 weeks, maybe longer.

Housing and food are taken care of, and you do get a very small living stipend... about $200 every 2 weeks. You are also given transportation to the "campus".... frequently a plane ticket, sometimes a train ticket, or driving is reimbursed. However, at the end of the program, you get an education voucher... my son finished NCCC in 2011, and received an education award/grant of $5,550.

This gives your youth a chance to see a bit of America, since they will most likely be assigned to a campus not nearby (one of mine was in Washington DC, and the other was in Denver, Colorado), and a chance to grow up a bit in a somewhat sheltered environment. They aren't responsible for finding housing or buying their food.

It can be hard to get in...... but it is worth a try! My son applied in the spring for the fall "class", and was "waitlisted" ... which basically meant that he could still get called up. He was called up 1 week before he had to report to the Denver campus.

Check into it..... it is a great experience, and not everyone can put a 10 month "Community service" experience on their resume'!

Yes. And if he doesn't take you seriously, serve him with a 10 day Notice to Quit. After that, file and serve him with unlawful detainer papers - take him to court. Get an order that he has to move. Then when the time comes, get the sheriff to lock him out.

If you give a date, you HAVE to stick with it. If you falter, he will NEVER believe you again.

No, it NEVER gets easier.

I posted an answer on your other page, but I agree with WildOne for sure.

Agree with Wild One.

We have two teenagers and they already know that by 18 they are expected school and work, is not a choice. Its a given.
They also understand they will be contributing financially and around the household. (agree with Wild One, on the grades dropping part, and room/ common area)
Is what we do with our kids starting young so they know what is expected.
- this will help them when they move out. Don't take it as being mean. You are the parent, and he the child.
He needs to understand, things are expected of him as an adult. He should not expect from ___.

I suggest that there is not enough info here to make that recommendation.

Have you talked with him, stating what you expect from him? Have you had several conversations and has he been willing to listen and try to meet your expectations? Have you been willing to make compromises about some things?

What are your expectations? Are they in writing and does he understand them? Or have you just been saying clean up? If so, I urge you try open communication and working together to solve the issue. Start with written rules of what is acceptable in your house. No food in bedroom or no dirty dishes go in sink/dw, make bed, put clothes in hamper, do laundry x times/month, floor has to be visible, trash in waste basket, put belongings away out of family rooms. That sort of thing.

I suggest that an ultimatum after months/years of you complaining is not going to give you the result you want unless you don't care about what sort of relationship you have with him. If you stick with the ultimatum that he move out, he will of course move out. Is that your goal?

If your goal is really to get him to clean up, then I suggest that you have those calm conversations using I statements and including specific directions for what has to be cleaned up. I suggest he may need frequent encouragement and help in learning how to do cleaning. I suggest that you break down the tasks by the week. For example this week he will clean the bathroom and a clean bathroom looks like this. Have a schedule so that everything is clean within a certain time period. Focus on one task at a time. Train him to keep things clean.

And he needs this from a mother who is confident enough in herself and her boundaries that conversations do not deteriorate into yelling matches or angry criticism. Tough to do, I know from experience.

I suggest that it does get easier. This being out of school and working is new to him. Realize that he's not going to become an adult responsible for cleanliness just because he turned 18. What did you expect from him when he was in school and how did you enforce your rules? If he's always been a slob then work on teaching him how to be neat.

My daughter was a slob when she was in school. When she got her own apartment she began the process of being neat. Because I didn't require that she keep a neat room or teach her in an effective way how to clean I have to blame myself in part for her being a slob. She's now 30 and a good housekeeper. Necessity is a good teacher. So is maturity. 18 is legally an adult but is not the physical and emotional age of an adult. The human brain isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. LOL

You can build the necessity into your son's life at home. It means having rules and logical consequences when they're broken. For example, just as with little children, pick up and either throw away or put away any personal items left in the living room. If he leaves dirty clothes and food debris in the bedroom after warning him once to clean it up, you go in and clean it up and give him a bill for your services. I doubt he wants you in his room and definitely won't want to pay you money. Wait a minute. My daughter, as an 18 yo, actually asked me to clean her room and we negotiated a price. That worked for me.