Daughter's Friend Living with Us

I have been this kid. I would have appreciated if someone explained things to me in black and white and gave me a time table. Things got tense and I was given the "you have to go" speech. But I was never given the "this is what we expect of you" speech. Lay it out in black and white, in a loving manner. Tell her exactly what you need from her - specifics about doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, babysitting, whatver she needs to do to pull her own weight. Tell her exactly how long she can stay. If you feel she needs to have her own place in 3 months, tell her that. DOn't just whisper it to each other behind closed doors. You are looking at everything through the eyes of a responsible adult. She is looking at it through the eyes of a teenager. You have to spell it out for her in strict terms. That would be far kinder than saying nothing, assuming she knows what is required and assuming she knows how to go about getting her own place, meanwhile things getting more and more uncomfortable.

She earns money, so half of it is room and board. She brings you her pay stub to prove what she made along with half of her take home. You can take it as justified rent or you can save it to give back to her when she moves. Either way she needs to have some skin in the game.

Write up a rental agreement that includes how much rent she should pay you and what household chores and responsibilities she should be accountable for. Have her sign it. Tell her that if she doesn't sign the rental agreement, she'll need to find other lodgings within 30 days. Then follow through.

Write into the agreement that if she doesn't abide by any part of the agreement ie. misses rent payments, doesn't do assigned chores, etc, that you will have the right to evict her at any time without notice. And then you follow through.

She will either sign the agreement and stick with it or she'll be calling her parents so that she can move back in ASAP or she'll find another couch to crash on.

I was in her shoes once. I was not lazy I actually at 18 worked full time and attended college full time. However, I was kicked out by my mom and went to to live with my best friends parents. At first I felt extremely awkward (even thought I spent all my "free time" there anyway). I would help around the house but NEVER "got it right".

First don't give up on her...please don't. Second sit her down and say we welcomed you in our home, however, we need these things to happen...lay out your rules, lay out the chores...if you want to charge rent lay it out there. Tell her starting tomorrow you will be expected to do the following. If you cannot then we suggest you find another place to live...you have (you pick the time table) to do this. If you stay here when that time is up you will be expected to keep up with the rules.

My friends parents actually did this before I "officially" moved in. But like I said I didn't do it right. But eventually (because the way my mom did things was not the same as them) they showed me how they prefer things and so I would do it their way.

i.e. loading the dishwasher...I grew up without one...all dishes were done by hand. I didn't know the rules for loading a dishwasher. Teach her/ guide her she will learn and if she doesn't she will move on.

A friend of one of my brothers came to live with my family when he was 16. His mother had recently passed and his dad was moving on and to another state with a new woman, and he didn't want to go with them. His father paid no money to my parents, but Mike was a gem, he helped out, babysat, and when he started working part time he tried to give my parents money and they refused, all they wanted was for him to go to school. So he started buying groceries each week, he said "If you won't take money then take the food, we all eat." He had a grateful attitude, never tried to take advantage and we were sad when he got his own place and moved out a few years later, he was a member of our family. (I say "was" because he died tragically in a building fire a few years later.) Had he been 18 or older he WOULD have been expected to contribute, but at 16 he was willing to.

Basically you've enabled your daughter's friend to mooch off of you by not clearly setting ground rules when she moved in ~ helping with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and money. (The fact that she only has a part time job and can't contribute is hogwash, she CAN get another part time job.) This is more than likely one of the reasons she was booted from her home, wasn't willing to cooperate and pull her weight in the family, but you have a responsibility to your family over her. What kind of example is she setting for your daughter? Do you want her to act this way?

Sit down with the friend and tell her that living in your home requires her to help out, by doing and with money. If she says she doesn't have enough money remind her that at 18 she is an adult, and that since she isn't going to school she has time to work another part time job, and tell her how much money you want from her per week or month. If she balks at this or at helping around the house with doing dishes, mopping and vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc., let her know it is time for her to leave. When she says she has nowhere to go tell her if she can't abide by your rules she cannot stay there, period.

And if she feels sorry for herself or throws you attitude...the door couldn't shut fast enough behind her as she left for me. (And I am a VERY hospitable person!) Being helpful and gracious in taking someone in is one thing, being guilted or disrespected by that person in your home is a whole new ball game...

YOu are not her parent she is an adult and she is taking advantage of the situation because you have allowed her to. Make out some rules and what you expect from her as far as contributing to the house or whatever you need her to do in order for her to continue staying with you. Give her a set amount of time to either make the changes or find a new place to live and stick to your word.

It sounds like your help is causing her to be enabled vs. helped. Start charging her a set rent every week and specific chores. Also, give her a deadline for moving out and/or starting school. The current situation will not benefit her in the long run, and it isn't fair to you.

Also, I highly recommend getting her the Sean Covey book "The Six Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make." All teenagers ought to read it, but this child may particularly benefit from the direction it helps them lie out.

M., this isn't your responsibility. Tell her to go home. It's her parents' obligation. I feel sorry for them, but she is THEIR daughter.

I know you were trying to help, but her parents were showing her tough love and you threw a monkey wrench into things. If she had to go live in a homeless shelter for a few weeks, she might have learned enough to change her attitude. Instead, she translated this attitude onto you.

Box up her things and put them on the front porch. Have the locks changed and tell her that this is what happens when one does not take responsibility. A landlord will do it, a boss will do it, and she needs to learn the lesson.

Back to her parents she goes. Call them up and tell them to come get her. It's not like you are making her homeless - it's up to them to show her tough love. Perhaps this would be a wake up call for her to buckle down for them.

Dawn

Family meeting - just you and her.

She's family now. Make that clear. Maybe not a daughter, probably more like a neice - but she's family.

Family helps out around the house. Chores, laundry, vacuuming. She's older, so she can have a little more freedom to choose - but it's going to happen.

And as family, give her some motherly advice. She needs it, and it'll help you two establish that she IS family.

But her money is her own (unless you're making your daughter pay some rent).

Lay down the law! She will not do anything unless backed into a corner and maybe not even then.

She already does not live at home so she needs to learn how to be on her own. You are not doing her any good by not expecting anything from her. I would imagine your own kids have chores - so should she.

I suggest that you sit her down and tell her that if she is going to live there, then she has to contribute. I know she doesn't have much money, but you should charge her a very nominal amount for rent. Not because you want or need the money, but because she needs to practice paying rent and budgeting her money. I would save whatever she pays you and when she is ready to move out, give it all back to her to help her get started. Don't tell her you're doing this; surprise her with it.

She also needs to have some chores and set her up with a schedule as to when the washer and dryer are available for her to do her own laundry.

If she doesn't want to do chores, her own laundry and pay the rent, she needs to move. She's 18 and she must learn that no one lives for free. You will not be doing yourself or her any favors if you don't require anything of her.

Her parents kicked her out to teach her a lesson.
And you took her in and let her continue to act like a child.
Give her a dead line to moving out.
Take her to recruiters (Army, Navy, etc).
Take her to a women s shelter.
Maybe give her their numbers - she's an adult and she needs to get off her behind and see about making her way in the world.
If she's not in school why is she not working full time?
Why is she not paying rent?
I guess it's irrelevant.
She's not your kid / she's not your problem.
And I'm sorry to say it but she's NOT going to thank you for taking her in.
She'll only cuss you out for throwing her out.

Hmm, now you know why her parents asked her to leave.
Your daughter wants to help her friend, but I bet if your daughter was the breadwinner of the house she would be throwing her friend out too.
Time to realize you made a mistake, give her a deadline and have her go.
It's not going to get any better.

So you've sat down with her and discussed the house rules, right? You've clearly stated exactly what's expected of her if she is going to live in your house and let her know if she does not follow the rules she's out.

I mean really, if you are taking in a kid from another family that kicked her out did it not occur to you there was a REASON they sent her packing? It sounds like her parents were trying to practice a little tough love and you came along to rescue her from an important life lesson.

If you really want to help her you will expect her to help with housework, pay for some groceries and have a positive, respectful attitude. You should also insist she has a plan and timeline for moving out and working towards her goals in life. What you're teaching her now is she can get what she wants in life without doing anything to acheive it, a terrible lesson and a real pain in the rear for your and your family.

Obviously what you're doing is not helping her . . . for that reason, and the disrespect/disobedience, she would be out of my home.

Grown, able-bodied adults are not entitled to be supported by anyone. Don't prevent her from learning that lesson as early in adult life as possible.

JMO.

Honestly? I would give her one month to start being responsible for herself. She either tries to go to school again, gets a full-time job, or finds another part time. She has to start a savings account, and save 50-75% of her paychecks... or start paying you rent. SOMETHING to teach her monetary responsibility. If she doesn't... there is always Job Corps or the military. She can take her pick if she doesn't want to live on the streets.

Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and figure out what rules you want to set. Then sit down with her and tell her these are the stipulations that you have to go by if you want to continue to live in our house. My mom had to do that with one of my friends that lived with us when his mom and dad kicked him out. My mom gave him the same rules as she gave me you have this much time to either get in school or find a job. If not you are out. And tell her if you don't need her to contribute financially that she needs to around the house.

Good luck and God Bless!!!

READing your SWH, I wonder if you can get the girl into counseling, offer to find her free counseling and drive her there, if she had a bad past she may need professional help in moving forward, if she had bad examples her whole life, seeing you and your daughter for a few weeks is not enough to show her better examples. She needs more than just a place to stay.

I love the idea of charging her a little rent and then, if you can afford it give it back to her if she decides to go back to school.

Let her know that her choices she can now make as an adult are to help around the house and go to school or get a full time job and her rent is for hundred a month. Expectations will start to be met overthe next for Weeks with the rent option being die on the fifteenth of the month starting j July 15. Expectations are to be a responsible person who respects those that she chooses to live with, clean up after herself and to do certain chores as being a part of a household. If it is her choice not to do this, she may use the six Weeks to find a new living situation. Society will expect her to be a responsible adult and for you to expect anything less will show your children that you are okay with someone treating you poorly and using you.

What a mess...

My suggestion (take it or leave it) is a combination of what many other people have said: she needs expectations in writing and she should be paying a rent/board proportionate to her income. I'd also suggest to her that she get some counseling--her problems aren't going to go away just because she's changed locations.

I think I would also have a serious conversation about being mutually respectful. If she is interested in doing the work required to stay, figure out what each of you can do to stay pleasant with the other. Otherwise, I hate to say it, she needs to go out on her own or go back home and really deal with the problems there. You were well-intentioned in letting her stay, however, she's going to have to learn how to live respectfully in ANY communal living situation, which includes fulfilling responsibilities, communicating respectfully with housemates and paying rent on time.

I think that laying down the law will not teach her anything. Guiding her to start thinking about her future and what she wants to do with it is the better way. She may have never been exposed to learning to organize, prioritize, and planning. She may have never been given opportunities to have choices and have consequences she understood as part of that.

I know there was no way when I was 18 that I could have told you more about life other than I work and make money to spend on clothes and stuff. My parents take me places if I need to go or I ride the bus....I had no usable life experiences to fall back on or no real maturity to live on my own. I probably would have starved to death and not understood that going to the store then cooking a meal was what I needed to do. I would have eaten out until I ran out of money.

I understand her mentality. She needs to learn how to live and make choices. It's on you now to teach her.

Laying down the law is only going to reinforce that adults are mean and won't let you have a childhood. Even though she is 18 she still feels like a teenager and not an adult ready to go out into the world.

Perhaps the college she was going to was too hard. I went to a junior college and thrived in the atmosphere, nearly all straight "A"'s. I got a full scholarship to OU and moved to Norman expecting college there to be a continuation of jr. college. I hated every minute I was there.

I was in a humanities or history class and there were over 300 students in it. The professor came out on the stage of the auditorium and announced the grading curve, how many would make an "A", a "B", and so forth. He told us if everyone made the same grade he would put everyone's name in a box and draw them out and assign whatever grade he felt like.

I had a communications class and I was one of two ladies in it. The rest of the class was the football team. The professor propositioned me. It was not fun to be there.

I transferred to Stillwater and enrolled at OSU and the moment I sent over the hill on highway 51 where you can see the whole valley I felt like I had gone through the veil. I knew I had come home to where I was going to live the rest of my life. I thrived in the classes I took there.

The point is, the classes, the attitudes, the people you sit beside, the mood of the campus, it all contributes to the college experience. Perhaps if they can live at home next fall both girls can go to college and ride together. They might even have a couple of general ed classes together and the can help each other to learn how to be a studious student.

She needs to learn, not be ordered about, she needs to have support, not a smothering blanket, she needs you to help her grow and not be punished for the experiences she has lived up to this point.

Otherwise there are the options of joined the military, going to a work program like the job corp. She will learn job skills and learn to be an adult in those type of lifestyles. If she truly does not want to go to a traditional college there is always vo-tech or some other kind of technical programs like University of Phoenix.

If her parents are claiming her on their taxes they need to stop. She is an adult that is not living in their home and she needs to file taxes on her own behalf, so she can establish she is an adult applying for financial aid and not a child living at home with wealthy parents who can afford to send her.

I lived at home until I bought my own condo when I was 24. My mom charged me $250 per month for rent and I had to pay my own gas, car insurance and car payment. This was almost 30 years ago. I think you need to do the same for ANY kid over 18. If she isn't willing to do that, then give her 2 months notice of her move out date...and stick to it. Good luck!

You only have 2 choices.
1.Lay down some rules, ask for some rent and respect.
2.Tell her it's time to go.

Well....don't hold your breath waiting for an 18yo to save up enough to get her own place...are you kidding? Two people can barely afford to pay for rent. Gonna just have to "woman up" and have a talk....giving her a deadline. She'll go back home...that's for sure. I pay my way...and I have never been one to ask anyone for something...especially to freeload.

First, have you spoke to the girls parents? Please don't believe everything that she tells you, get facts.

My rules with my own daughter was:

go to college
join military
move out after 6 months of saving, BUT I would take her entire paycheck & give her a very small *allowance*

My daughter chose college, and graduated with her bachelors 2 weeks ago. Set the same rules for this girl. This friend is setting a poor example for your daughter. This girl has a problem with rules.

Advice or ideas?

Give her some rules, a timeline and a mission statement (save $ for my own apt) and tell her she has X amount of time to accomplish it or she is out. Period. End of story!

Then follow through with what you said and don't feel bad about it either...you are just enabling her if she isn't saving any $ for her future!

She's a young adult, treat that way. Figure out what you want to happen (contribute to the household...chores, etc and be responsible such as look for a fulltime job to save money for her necessities and to get a place). Have the "ideal" in mind and an "acceptable" in mind. Then talk to her and come up w/ a plan/agreement that works.

My advice: sit her down and tell her the free ride is over, but that you're happy to have her stay if she helps out with chores (give her some very specific things to do every day or week so you can see if it's happening), and gives you a certain amount of money each week. Probably something small, but just enough so that she knows to take the free house seriously.

What about your own daughter? Is she a senior and has plans to go to college, or is her friend a bad influence and you are now facing a future of caring for two leaches?

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you really dug a hole for yourself letting this adult squat in your home for free. I really don't think there is anything you can do now, short of calling the police to have her removed.

You should have set boundaries for her before she ever set foot in your house. You can try to force her to get a job and start paying for rent and her own food, but how do you plan to enforce those rules after letting her have a free ride all of this time?

It seems you are looking at this situation as a problem that somehow isn't going to affect your daughter. It probably is in ways you can't forsee. She is going to expect a free ride too if she doesn't have clear plans for her future. Is their friendship a case of dumb and dumber? Will the blind lead the blind and you will be the facilitator of foolish choices and foolish thinking of two young women?

I say, if your daughter is graduating this year, send them both a message. Her friend is at your house because they thought you'd be soft...the opposite of her parents. Not good. Give them the ultimatum of getting a summer job, post rent, and if you feel it necessary make them pay for food and gas too if they're using your car(s)...all of this enforceable until your daughter starts college (or whatever she's doing post graduation) and then they're on their own. This way, they both know they have to be out of the house by August, or whenever school starts in the fall, and until then, they have to pull their weight.

Otherwise, it's time for the friend to go unless you plan on being den mother forever...and then some. Right now, making sure your daughter doesn't start making the same mistakes as her friend should be priority. Don't let her friend's bad choices become an occasion for your daughter to put her own life on hold...because believe me...as long as her buddy is getting away with it...she'll expect to as well. Get tough on both of them now.

What was the agreement and conditions when she moved in? Was this going to be a permanent situation or was a specific time frame set? Was it made clear as to how much and what she would be expected to pay for? What chores she would need to do? Etc?

If these things weren't already discussed and agreed upon, it needs to be done immediately. It's best to put it in wrting.

Remember, your family and your mental well-being come first. Also, if you have younger children, you don't want them learning these bad habits.

Tell her exactly what she is expected to do and if she doesn't agree to it or follow the rules, show her the door. Maybe after spending a few weeks in a homeless shelter will help her to see things differently.

Let her know that staying with you means that she'll be on a program to help her move forward into the world of adulthood. That means contributing to the household and learning how to be a productive citizen. You're probably already doing the same with your daughter, so she can see that it's not about her.

If this girl was in an abusive situation, her lack of motivation is probably stemming from poor self-confidence and possibly some self-hatred (e.g. it's all my fault they abused me, didn't love me, etc.) and she needs some counseling.

Seeing your daughter being successful is probably both exciting and scary for her as well. It gives her hope that she could be liker her, and also drags her down because she doesn't feel like she can ever be the same.

Talking through her responsibilities and writing them out is a great way to set expectations, but be prepared to remain calm and understanding when she fails to meet them. It sounds like she's in a state of apathy and until she feels as though someone values her, it will be hard for her to have any motivation.

Make sure you tell her you believe in her and that you know she can do it. Otherwise you wouldn't have taken her in. And don't pile on the disappointment when she falls short. Just reiterate that you have an agreement about what she needs to do, so that you can help her become independent in life.

My cousin is going through a similar situation and it's so hard. You're a very generous mama for helping this girl grow into an adult. Too bad she had such poor examples at home.