That's What Abortion Is For?! She REALLY Said This to Me!

You're trippin. She was just trying to be funny about the overload of 4 kids. I can't believe how all of you are feeling so serious about it. It was a joke, lighten up girls. When she's older she would find that in bad taste, but for a young person without kids that was just a funny. You shoulda just laffed it off and said something back like A. W said. Or just laffed if you didnt have a comeback.
IT WAS A JOKE.

she's a twit. and fun or not, i'd have a tart response ready for her next gaffe.
but i wouldn't let her spoil my friendships and interactions with others either.
honestly, she's clueless and doesn't get it, but it may just be that a word with her will either wake her up or at least get her to consider her audience before she spouts off. it wouldn't be a bad thing to address it directly with her.
but if you don't want to do that, at least don't give her dumb statements power to rankle.
khairete
S.

Well, it sounds like you DID give her the scathing comment she had coming.

I know a young woman who also has this kind of "humor". I avoid her as much as possible.

Wow! Abortion? Really!? Geez! I can't imagine EVER saying that to someone! My brother has 3 kids by 2 different women and we often joke with him about birth control, as in "that's what CONDOMS are for" never abortion though! Definitely NOT a joking matter.
My question is, has anyone said anything to her about being offended? Perhaps she is genuinely unaware that she has made some sort of social blunder. I know that when I was in college I was much..coarser, I guess that's the word. I said things then that I would never say now. I don't think that her offensive comments should be brushed under the rug just because she's young though. I would say something to her boyfriend or to her directly. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just let her know that you consider what she said to be inappropriate and hurtful.

Yeah, my response would've been "oooh, I guess your mom didn't get the memo either?" Looked at her and walked away.

But that's just me. I tend to enjoy beating people over the head with their own offensiveness. More often than not, that's the last time I experience that behavior from them.

A.,
Looking at your background and previous posts and responses you seem like a very mature woman. Why would you let a small comment like this de-rail you to the point of preferring to not see your friends over tolerating this girl?
We were all college aged girls at O. time and I did and said some pretty stupid things, I'm sure.
If she has no children, let's face it, she has no clue about kids, love for kids, etc. She will have a clue O. day, but until then I'd dismiss the comment and give her another chance.
If you respect your friend Z, then you've gotta believe maybe this girl has some substance.

I would've said "ya, I know what abortion is for and someone should've told your momma!"

really just joking

I don't think that she should get a free pass for being so stupid and in college. She should be held accountable for her actions--no matter her age. You handled it beautifully--- If she says anything else that is offensive, pull her aside and tell her to knock it off and grow up---Best of luck to you--

M

Only you can make yourself happy in every situation. So you don't like this immature person but she is not the one that makes the event unenjoyable for you. You make the event unenjoyable for yourself. Toughen up your skin and be one step ahead of her. When she makes a comment you don't like or think is immature try to fire back a nice but witty comeback. Trust me, it will be so very enjoyable to outwit her. Best to you.
V.

The ignorance of youth. Seriously, I cringe sometimes when I think of the ignorant and potentially offensive things I said prior to college, marriage, kids and basically - maturity.
How fortunate I was to have older co-workers, friends and relatives help guide me along and take the time to educate me on things in the real world.
I believe this is a teaching opportunity for her and if others are turning a blind eye, you might need to be the teacher.
One-on-one coffee dates, or a possible "girls movie night" to show her and lead by example are great opportunities to demonstrate positive and mature behavior.
If all else, sit down and speak to her as a peer about the offensiveness of certain statements and that you don't want to hold it against her, but you do need to let her know what lines have been crossed.
AND not to get too nitty, most people end that insult with a "that is what birth conrtol is for" not abortion. Could be she is that dim-witted and really needs some serious exposure to real life.
Sorry, not sure if any of this was helpful, but hope you do find a way to work it out for your continued peace and enjoyment at events.

That was a rude comment, but she obviously doesn't have the maturity level or kids. Who cares what this girl thinks? I would either ignore her or if you feel up to it then tell her straight out "well, that was really rude!" Honestly I would just ignore her and hope this relationship runs its course, but unfortunately you can't pick your friend's girlfriends. Also some people just have a very sarcastic sense of humor and not everyone likes kids--that their choice. You don't have to be all bff with this girl--I think you are taking her comments to heart, and the girl is probably as mature as one of your children, so don't sweat it.

I think I am more upset by the fact that she said that IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN!!! First, do they even know what abortion is? And if they do, she was basically saying they should never have been born IN FRONT OF THEM!!! I would have asked the kids to go to another room and then confronted her on her tasteless "joke" and immaturity to say something like that in front of your children. I would also let her boyfriend/your friend know about it.

That was shocking and stupid! OMG... I'm horrified that she'd even say that in front of your children. That got my blood boiling!! I like the way you handled this. Definatly!

You did great!!! What a horrible thing to say! I don't think her age is an excuse. She could have been nervous, but she sounds like she has a tact issue. I think you are doing everything right, you handled it correctly with your kids, put her in her place and keep her at arms length without going out of your way to be ugly to her. Some people would have told her off, you were very gracious. Good job!

I wouldnt suggest any insults or digs back, because you don't need to lower yourself to her level.

I would not give up my friends because of her. Instead, I would practice saying the following sentence in a lighthearted, none threatening manner so that I'd have a response ready for the next gaff she says: (small, contrite laugh) "Do you think before you talk? Darlin', some of your comments are so hurtful. It's not the best strategy for world domination..."

You problably can't let it go because you never addressed it with her, do not let her get the best of you and your fun, when she says something inappropriate have a come back for her, now I am not good at that but i am sure you can find something to say. When she made that comment I wonder what she would have said if you responded "I'll remind you of that when i hear that you are expecting".

Oh, girl, that just brought tears to my eyes. Immature little twit. You handled yourself well; I gotta hand it to you. I think I would have flat out replied, "What a horrible thing to say. I'll chalk it up to immaturity and that you probably feel uncomfortable around adults." And I would have walked away and never said another word to her again. I haven't read the other responses, but I would never allow that little child to ruin the fun with my friends. That comment seriously pisses me off -- and I only have one child!

Follow-up: So, what are you asking us fo? You clearly have it under control!! :)

**************************
It is a horribly offesnive thing to say. I think, in addition to lacking a filter or maturity, she was trying to impress you with some form of wit.

What did you say in reply? I don't know how I would have responded in the moment, probably with shocked silence. But writing this with perfect hindsight, I would have told her something along the lines of "I don't find that tunny. I love being a mother. Women who are faced with abortion have a very sad decision to make. It's not birth control." I find that people with her mentality, be it serious commentary or a failed attempt at humor, need to be schooled a bit about how they can treat you. If she says stupid things and people just giggle, it reinforces her behavior.

So I would just make a plan for dealing with her. In general, I would approach her with the benefit of the doubt - that she is a good girl with flawed social skills struggling to keep up with a 30-something crowd. But don't let her say offensive things to you or in front of your kids. You don't deserve that and she needs the help.

Honestly, when I started reading this post, I htought it was going to be a sad story about a girl having an actual abortion and joking about it. So in comparison, I would try to let it go. She either has some redeeming qualities to keep your friend interested or she won't last.

Instead of some scathing comments, she needs a MENTOR. This sounds like a girl that needs some prayer and education. Not to sound uber religious, but I wonder if this girl was put into your path for a reason............?
And YOU sound like the exact SMART WOMAN that Z needs in her life.

Take care,
A.

She is an idiot. Lots of people at that age don't appreciate life and look down on parents. She was trying to be funny but she is offensive and disrespectful. I know you were caught off guard but does your 8 year old know what abortion is? Do you think you should have mentioned "killing"? I don't think I would have handled it that way.

At Hummingbird..... a joke? Really? In front of the kids? She isn't "trippin" and it wasn't worthy of a "laff".

A. J. your comment to your 8 year old was PRICELESS! Good work. You should be proud of yourself. You defended your kids AND set an example to the immature little miss who made the comment.

Good work! Like Mallory P. said, I totally respect your maturity!

i dont think immaturity or feeling ackward around a older crowd is her problem (but honestly i couldnt tell you what it ) i have always dated older men, (my hubby is 16 yrs older than me) and i would have never said something like that

Wow. That sounds like something someone in my group of friends might say as a total joke, and it would be ok coming from a close friend. But if some semi-random person said it to me it wouldn't be cool. Sounds like she's just kind of socially unaware or used to a different kind of humor (college humor is dark and weird and extremely inappropriate most of the time, that's what makes it fun) and probably didn't realize she was insulting you and your kids. If she keeps making statements like that you can either talk to her about how it makes you feel, or brush it off with a similarly offensive joke :) That might actually go over better with her.

I would have decked her. Plain and simple.

There's your "scathing comment"... :)

Quite frankly, I'm shocked at how many mom's that responded to your post are chalking her unforgivable comment up to immaturity. I don't know that there is anything that this girl could do to redeem herself in my mind. I was a college girl at one point too, and there was a time when I didn't fully grasp or understand love for one's child, but I'm quite sure I never suggested someone should have killed their own child. I also know I tend to hold grudges, and I know that they were only 'words,' but that comment, that your children should have been killed, would have landed her on the floor, staring at the back of her eyelids. And I've never hit anyone in my life. But I can promise you, SHE would have been my first.

Perhaps-- and this is just a far-out guess--what concerns you might be the fact that you can't trust this woman to be emotionally safe around your kids?
I think the comment was a preposterous thing to say, and it might be that she has some serious issues yet to work through, because most people I know wouldn't dream of saying such a thing, most especially with children present. Not only does it make light of abortion, something that both pro-Life and Pro-choice women take *very* seriously, but it is a very passive-aggressive thing to say. I wouldn't want to be around a person like that, and if I *had* to, I think I would feel a little anxious about her behavior in front of my child, because it is clear message that she doesn't have good boundaries.

Loved your comeback by the way. Hopefully he'll get bored with dating someone so immature and crass, and come to his senses.

I think just a stupid person who doesn't realize what she says may offend others. I would just let it slid but I would mention to your friend, maybe in jest would come out better, she would rather abort his baby than to have them. Sometimes I can be mean though!

I love your response! I don't think I would have been as polite.

Personally, I would talk to her about it. It will clear the air, teach her that words matter, and probably help all around. I would get someone else to go with you, so that you have a mediator, if needed... and confirmation that you approached with kindness and good will. Honestly, no matter how "young" she is... Looking back into my teens and young 20's ages, I would have NEVER in my life EVER said or even thought that about someone's large family. We have 3 children and plan to have more... just because people have large families does not mean that each and every one of them were not deliberately planned and prayed for, sometimes for years before they were even born. Shame on her. I do not care how young she is... that comment would forever hurt me and I would need to talk to her and let her know just how much it hurt my feelings, before I could make friends with her or be around her.

If you do talk to her, have a man go with you... get some perspective first on how to approach it. My husband ALWAYS approaches conflict SO much better than I do... he leaves so much of the emotion out of it, and brings in the logic! Better yet, have your husband pull her aside and tell her how much she hurt your feelings and that she really needs to apologize for an absolutely TERRIBLE thing that she said about your precious children!! That would probably mean even more to her...

I would have asked her to leave and told her she was no longer welcome in my house. and I wouldn't be around her until she sincerely apologized and I would let my friend know that he was welcome over, but his girlfriend was not and why. Don't giver her a pass because she is in college- she's an adult, she should act like one-she's not ten.
To me, allowing this girl to be around or hanging around her tells your kids that although her comment was offensive, it was acceptable. My kids are more important to me than my group of friend- sorry if that sounds harsh, but this girl is a jerk- not just immature.
~C.

Well, whether or not she meant to offend you, she should know better than to spout off controversial and hurtful things like that.

I'm so aghast that she said it. I can't even believe it.

I think you should talk to your friend, Z. He could speak to her about keeping her comments more polite and more appropriate. If she's trying to "fit in" with the 30's crowd, she sure as hell isn't doing it - maybe she needs some suggestions from her 30's boyfriend.

If my friend were Z, I would tell him, "Please talk to her. I've been more than patient so far and forgiving of those obnoxious comments. But if she continues, you can let her know that all bets are off. If she thinks she feels uncomfortable now, just wait until she gets an earful from me the next time she makes a rude comment."

I don't want to suggest being a bully to her, and I don't think you are - I just think she is assuming that everyone wants to hear her opinion and that everyone agrees with it. Maybe this is her first experience with being in an adult social situation, and there's nothing wrong with her learning that what she's saying is not considered polite social conversation.

ewww, tacky, tactless, trashy comment. the line is "thats what condoms are for", and even that is bad in front of kids

You should have said "on the contrary, that is what abstenance (sp?) or safe sex is for!". She probably didn't mean to offend you but is just young. Be yourself around her and she will either wise up or learn some discretion.

I guess this all depends on how close you are to friend Z. If you are really close with the guy, I might have a tendency to talk to him about it. That's just me, but he shouldn't be losing friends because his new flavor of the month has chosen to stick her foot in her mouth. If you aren't that close to him, blow it off as stupidity.

As a young person, I would never had said something like that to anyone. It really shows a lack of taste and manners. My parents taught me better than that!!! I will say I thought I knew how to raise kids before I had them though and profusely need to apologize to all the parents I judged prior to having my own!!!

You really have to pick your battles and if the guy doesn't mean that much to you, let it go and just enjoy your group. She will either conform or move on.

A.-let me just say I respect your maturity on this....I would have lost it on her and probably led the bandwagon to oust her from the group-even if that means not seeing him either.

You have alreay gotten lots of comments, but I had to reply to the fact that she should get away with rude comments because she is young. That's a bunch of you know what. I was 20 once and never said things like you have mentioned. I would never have hurt someones feelings much less poke my nose where it doesn't belong. This girl sounds awful and the next time she says something rude or hurtful, I would pull her aside(not literally, although I'm sure you'd like to!!)and let her know her comments are making you angry and are uncalled for. Remind her that "if you can't say something nice , then say nothing at all."

The proper response would be
"Oh, so YOU'RE the poster child for the zero population growth movement. Congratulations! I can see where taking one look at your attitude would put people off having kids.".
Don't avoid her. Just insult her back when she's tactless, but do it with class.

Give her a taste of her own medicine and keep a smile. Change the party around her. That way people can see and hear for themselves what she's all about. Smile and walk away .She just trying to be the life of the party by putting down anyone. 'Im all for the beating her address and throwing her out the house by her wig. Can you say damn airhead.

Unfortunately in today's society off colored humor has become the norm. She is obviously immature and does not know how to handle herself in group settings. You have already demonstrated that you are the bigger person and I would encourage you to take it one step further. The next time she makes a comment that is offensive take her to the side and let her know how offense her comments are a nice way. Hopefully she will appreciate this, but if not continue to be nice and let her see how a mature woman handles situations that are uncomfortable.

Oh, you are nicer than me! I would not stop hanging out with YOUR friends because of her, but I would certainly get a "dig" in every chance you get! Oh, I would be so mean to her...but with a smile on my face! Maybe you could somehow bring up the topic of Abortion and point blank ask her in front of everyone how she feels about it.

I would just limit your contact with her and hope that your friend doesn't intend to have children some day!

Honestly, she's incredibly immature and the relationship will probably fade in time. If not, just avoid her but don't confront your friend over it. He won't
"hear" you anyway!

Unfortunately she is still in college, and the mental outlook is so different at that age. I'm sure she thought it was a bit of a laugh. In her circle of friends this could be the sense of humor that they have. I'm not sure I understood the paragraph about her telling A. Is that what she said about you? College can make you feel like you know everything, and maybe she feels like you take everything too seriously. If you want to clear the air. Why not invite her for coffee, let her know that you would like to be friends because of Z, and just let her know that your beliefs don't see abortion as a joke. Who knows, she may appreciate someone reaching out to her and introducing her to the adult world.

I have been to plenty of parties where i have not talked to certain people whether I am avoiding them or not. Simply stay on the other side of the room. College students do not have filters but that does not mean she can not learn from you. Possibly she is intimated by you and your friends because of the age difference. Remember you said go him when you found out about her but it won't last long. She is probably trying to fit in the best way she knows how.

Hey A.,
I think your response was pretty good for an unplanned response. I agree with some of the other responses - don't give up your longtime friendships due to this girl's immaturity.
I also agree with the idea of talking directly to the girl about her clueless statements. Yes, she's immature; yes, college humor is dark; yes, she has no clue about being a mom and having kids... Would you be willing to let her know when she has crossed the line? Can you verbalize to her some of what you expressed to us in this forum?
One of the most valuable classes I took in college was a sociology class where we talked about people who had to operate in two cultures at one time (specifically an American Indian working a job in the typical "American" job using English and technical skills and yet still able to speak his native language and able to fit into his tribe's traditional cultural interactions. The 150 percent human!). I've used this example to explain to my kids that it is important to figure out and understand what the "culture" is of the group you are interacting with at any specific time. A culturally skillful person needs to be able to adapt and adjust! We don't use the same vocabulary and behaviors for interacting with babies as we do in the workplace. In our 30s, "college" behavior and humor is not appropriate. We don't drink beer in a church service.
This girl sounds like she didn't ever learn these things. She is out of her customary element, and it doesn't appear that she is catching on to the differences herself, this makes her a social and emotional misfit. She might need some help. Whether that comes from you or not is your choice. You don't have to get to know her or help her, but what's going to happen if Z decides to marry her and she hasn't learned what the rules are for this age group in this stage of life!!!??? That's going to be painful for all of you! Someone needs to tell this girl that parents value their kids.
I like the idea of responding to her in a joking manner, but I think I personally would go beyond that and try to get a chance to talk to her seriously about her offensive remarks. Plus, it sounds like she hasn't been around either kids or a family very much. Maybe she needs some healthy exposure? Perhaps invite Z and her over to your house and play some of your favorite family games? just a thought! Meanwhile, I empathize with you and feel a little sorry for the clueless kitten (complete with claws and catty teeth!).

Your ever so verbose Mamapedia friend,
A.

After posting this, then reading the next several posts that came in after I first responded, I have to say that I laughed out loud when I read the one about decking her. Not my typical response, but I did laugh when I pictured it in my mind. Miss Kitten with her claws extended, in her little black dress and high stilettos (sp?), lying there on the kitchen floor with "x's" drawn on her shut eyelids...

I would really wonder about my friend Z who is dating her . . . yikes.

Otherwise I think you handled it fine.

sure, it was a joke. But her joke shows how flippant she, and our society have become about a very solemn and tragic topic. You're a big woman to be as polite as you have been. I dislike this girl for you. I think your best bet is to tell your friend how his girlfriend's comment stuck in your craw. Perhaps he can encourage her to see she needs to apologize. As for chalking it up to insecurity and immaturety, I don't buy. I wasn't that rude in college and if I had been on accident I hope I would have apologized.

Sounds to me like she was making a joke, allthough it was in bad taste, I do not think she was trying to offend you. Sounds like you handled it well, but really, try to lighten up a little. Sounds like she is not the only one being offensive either, or is toddler princess a name she choose for herself.