Thanks for your help.
Yeah....tough but maybe say I feel like they press each other's buttons, or are not the best match....it's best not to do playdates right now. Or just keep making excuses and she'll get the hint.
Either be too busy to ever get together.
Or every time she asks tell her point blank
"I don't want to. The boys fight every single time. We've given it more than three strikes and we are done. The kids (yours and mine) are all great kids but they seem to bring out the worst in each other. We're not doing this anymore. It's time we all move on and make new friends.".
Either way is good but one way will stop her asking a lot faster than the other.
Having teens now we've run up against this with a few different school "friends'. There are kids who are jsut not a good match for yours - either they are agressive, annoying, dangerous, or have too many bad habits. There's one boy we had to discontinue "play dates" because he jsut knew too much about sexuality, didn't listen to me when I told him not to do something, I'd find him in my daughter's room touching her things (she's 3 years older), etc. He kept asking, his mother kept asking.
The problem is that unless you are really good friends with the mom she won't take your words well and it won't help his behavior and may create problems between you and she, and more importantly, between your son and this boy. You don't want this boy saying things to your son that could be hurtful to either of them.
Simply avoid the playdates. When asked you're busy. For years I dodged this mom's invitations. Thankfully our boys were not in the same activities so I could always feign sports practice, church or youth group, family gatherings, etc. It tooks YEARS for this mom to get the picture and finally stop suggesting hit. The son, now that they're 13, is still clueless.
From my experience of having a popular, funny guy as my son who is wanted by all kinds of friends, and a daughter with some mental health issues with very few friends and lots of rejections I can tell you that I have had a very close friend talk to me about my duaghter and I was open to her words s ince they came from a place of love. And I've had a near stranger call me about my daughter and it just came off as nasty and hurtful since I knew she didn't care about me or my child.
Sometimes things are best left unsaid when you can simply avoid. PReschool doesn't last long and before you know it your son will be in Kindergarten and this will be a forgotten problem. Just prepare yourself with standard responses: "we have been so busy lately I have to check my schedule at home" or "we are on our way to _________" (get him new shoes, grandmas's house, meeting my husband for lunch, seeing an old friend who's in town, etc.) My only caveat is if you son hears your dodge be prepared to back it up - so you'llhave to go get the haircut or sneakers. I try to never lie, and particularly when my children can see my example.
Good luck mama!
I feel for you, especially as you must encounter her in your co-op situation, and you don't ever want to feel you must hang back from helping at school because you might run into her!
First, take a deep breath and think about why she's so pushy about play dates and keeps insisting: Her son likely has no friends and other kids and moms won't cave and do play dates. She's figured out that you will eventually say yes, and she is probably -- sadly -- desperate on some level for her son to have SOME kind of "friend." That's why she goes around painting your son as her son's best buddy; that's why her son attaches himself to yours when they run into each other; that's why she horns in when you're talking to other moms (because she wants to make sure she, and her son, have your attention). It's pitiable and sad, but she's trying -- in a very awkward and unsuccessful way -- to get her son a friend.
Now, I am NOT advocating that you pity her and cave in. In fact, I think you do indeed need to keep the distance. If her son were fine with yours and they had fun together, I'd say that her pushiness was an OK price to pay for your son to know a nice kid, but since the boys themselves do not get along, you should not feel at all obliged to continue play dates.
I like what you say right here: "I'm just not happy with the behavior at the playdates, I think it's best they see each other at school." I might amend that some, because she's going to know that by "THE behavior" you mean her son's, not your son's.
You could say, and I've seen this option used in other Mamapedia advice: "You know, when X and Y are together they aren't bringing out the best in each other and you and I sometimes have to referee. Maybe when they're a little older things will be smoother, so let's give it a few months of letting them just get more used to each other at school." Of course, in a few months -- if she's as assertive as you say -- she likely will be back on your radar, and you could indeed try another play date then, but only if you truly feel that things might have changed (and preschool aged kids can change a lot in a few months). But don't feel obliged! You can say, if it's true, that your son has a lot of activities (does he?) and you're putting off most play dates for a while longer.
If she again asks your son about playing, while he's standing there in front of you both and she hasn't asked you -- I'd basically interrupt her and say with a big smile, "Jack can't play this week, we've got some family events to attend" or whatever is true (I'm not a fan of inventing things to put people off but I also know that most kids have plenty they can be doing at any give time). She's asking him in front of you either on purpose, to make it harder for you to say no, or because she has zero social radar, which sounds entirely possible here.
Once you have told her the "our boys don't bring out the best in each other right now" thing, when you do encounter her after that at school, be cordial, ask her how she is or ask her about school-related things, so it's clear you are not trying to exclude her from everything. She may be very chilly if she gets the message that you don't want play dates -- if she is, don't let it get to you, just be cordial to her as you would to anyone you must see on a regular basis, and ignore the chilliness. If she says something about your being mean to her son etc., keep a big smile on your face and kindly repeat your original reason -- Our boys have some fun together but right now they don't click and we end up refereeing, let's let them have fun at school.
sometimes the truth hurts. The mom needs to hear YOUR truth from YOU.
it's not being rude. Tell her in the "I" terms - like you wrote - "**I** feel the kids aren't a great match."
"**I** don't like the behavior I see at the play dates."
Keep It Simple - but tell her the truth!!
GOOD LUCK!!
I think your answer is pretty simple and straightforward. Some variation of "the boys don't seem to get along on play dates" is the truth. She probably won't like it, but your son doesn't like it, and doesn't want to play. Why put everyone through that? It's not like you haven't tried.
I would like to say that honesty is the best policy, which it is really but I don't know if I would have the guts to tell her the truth. At least admitting that is honest right? Lol. I would probably politely keep declining the offers for play dates til she gets the hint and stops asking. I do remember this situation similar came up with me and my daughter and once the mother asked for a play date while my daughter was standing right there and I looked at my daughter and asked her, what do you think, do you want to have a play date with so n so? And she made a face that was clearly saying no but didn't say anything, and I looked back at the mother and said I think we'll pass this time, thanks! She never asked again. It's easier for our little ones to be honest then for us!
I have handled situations like that like this:
*I have set up play dates via phone or text before pick up, the evening before, etc. most moms are on the same page as you are.
*IF another mom asked my child on front of me (and I didn't want to participate) I'd reply "Not today, too much going on." Or "Maybe another time, thanks. Hopefully my life will slow down soon!" You get the idea.
Thing is, they're in preschool. My son is buds with tons of kids that weren't his BFFs in PK, and his BFF from PK? They're not that close anymore.
No need to "tell" her anything. That's like a personal attack!
Just make YOUR plans, not in front of her & decline invites from her.
It's not that hard, really.
They might end up being friends. You never know, so why be rude?
You need to tell her. No one else will and the behavior that sets them apart won't change. You will probably never be friends again but hey, they might change and truth would be a blessing to them. I had to request that my son never be in the same class agin with another boy in his K class. They honored my request and I have never regretted it!
If you say that, I guarantee you will be the one feeling left out in the cold. So I ask, do you see many more years of interaction with this woman or will it end once the kids hit kinder? If you see many more possible years with this woman, then grin and bear it. Just cause the other mom's 'might' feel this way doesn't mean they would fall alongside you. They many actually see it as rude and mean, there by alienating you.....and your son. Be careful what you wish for. I have seen this happen over and over again, my oldest is 21 and my youngest is 3....many, many years in the school system mom club.
I think that statement is fine. Might as well be up front about it.
I only read Mom2Many's response, and I guess if you're worried about the other moms, saying something may come back to bite you. I, however, could care less about the other moms so I would tell her just what you said here but I wouldn't really use the word "behavior" I would just say you're not happy with the way things go and you're tired of always having to referee constant fights so you're going to pass on the play date.
In my opinion, you don't owe her an explanation. Stop giving in, be nice to her when you have to see her, and move on with your life. Absolutely nothing says you must befriend this woman and her child. Just because you have in the past, just stop.
If you decide to say something, I agree with the others who say just tell her the way you stated in your post. You are not being rude, just truthful, and you have tried to make this work.
Good luck to you. Be strong! =)
This kind of situation is difficult, because you still want/need to have a working relationship with this mom. It sounds to me like you are handling it maturely, and refraining from gossip behind her back. Good for you – catty complaining is SO easy to fall into!
I like the phrase you've come up with. It says a lot without casting blame, and really, that little boy is the product of his genetics and his upbringing, so how can he be to blame?
Another great alternate refusal is a simple, "No, that won't (or doesn't) work for me." No excuses, no explanations, no desperate apologies (any of which will weaken your position). Just a clear, friendly, polite no. This has worked for me every time, but occasionally people need to hear it repeated 2-3 times before they actually hear the "no."
Wishing you well.
What a mess to deal with, Tracey! I think that if I were you, I'd go talk to the guidance counselor at the school your son will attend and beg her not to put your son in this boy's class. At least he would get a break from him. I would mention the mother's issue, but I'd make it more about the boy not allowing your son to "get away" from him.
You don't need to talk about this with the other mothers because they are all on the same page. If they ever ask you if your boys are best friends, just shake your head and say "No, they aren't." Don't offer anything else. If they tell you their feelings, just nod sympathetically, but don't offer your own opinion. This way, you won't have to worry about anything.
The guidance counselor is legally obligated to keep what you say in confidence.
Please don't accept anymore playdates. You're sending her mixed messages by giving in ever so often. It's better for her if you just stop. You never have to tell her the truth if you think she'll crucify you for it. Just make up every excuse in the book. Never lie in front of your son - if you say you have plans MAKE plans on the fly even if you didn't have any. You owe him that.
Good luck with this,
Dawn
