Thanks - Saint Paul,MN

Just thought I'd let you in on a little secret, "there is no perfect transition" to Motherhood. Something usually goes crazy somewhere along the line, and it's ok. I also believe you're having symptoms of Post partum depression ,please don't ignore it. If things had been perfect comparing them to your expectations, would the result have been that much different in the end ? Just food for thought ,....

C. S.

what feelings your are describing sound very much like post partum depression. i would really advise you to talk to your doctor. the way you feel doesnt sound fun, i know you dont like the way you feel, just know you dont have to feel like this. and when you get help, you will have all these negatives feelings gone and really be able to focus on your baby and your family. please dont delay, you shouldnt have to be living in the past during the start of your babys life.

My heart goes out to you....

Yes, I agree with the others' suggestions that you go see a counselor. Ask your family doc. It sounds like you might be suffering from post traumatic stress and this should not be taken lightly. Get the help you need so you can get back to being your old, happy self, and enjoy your baby. Even women who go through a "normal" vaginal delivery to a full-term healthy baby are still traumatized by the experience; and then, after that trauma, they are handed a little person that they have to take care of, that seems so helpless and breakable and is crying and sometimes doesn't sleep, etc., and you as the mom are still trying to deal with the trauma to yourself, let alone take care of your little one.... Definitely talk to someone.

I agree with Julie, you need to talk to someone. I had a preemie and things weren't okay and were not fine for a long time. He was my first and I did everything 'right'. There was no logical reason that he should have entered the world when he did. It was a fairly long and painful road. Now, almost 7 years later, he is the most bright, fun loving, 'normal' (if there is such a thing!) boy ever.

I never focused on what 'could or should' have been. I have only ever focused on what is to come and even went on to have two more boys (both a little early, but nowhere near as preemie as my first).

Talk to your doctor. Five months after the fact with a healthy child that didn't have any issues is a little much to keep beating yourself up over. This isn't said to de-validate your feelings. They are real and you just need a little help dealing with them.

I think you need to see your doctor and discuss post-partum depression. Our hormones can do a number on us! Everyone, including your husband, is correct -you shouldn't be dwelling on having a preemie -but on the fact that he's fine and home with you and it's great! Since you can't seem to do that, it tells M. something else is at play here. Many women have post-partum depression, and it can manifest itself in a number of ways. At the very least, talk to a counselor or your doctor about not being able to get past those feelings so you can enjoy your new baby! Also -you say you did things that made him be born early, but then you say your doctor was surprised and you were surprised, so it sounds like you're just beating yourself up. Get some therapy, maybe some zoloft and enjoy!

Oh Hon, It sounds like post partum depression. Make an appointment with your doctor and let him or her know what you are going through.
As far as the baby, he is healthy and safe and growing. He is just doing it outside of you instead of inside. Mine was early and now he is 21, 5'11" and almost 200 pounds. Preemies are not preemie all their lives.

See your doctor ASAP - post partum depression is a real worry. Plus what you experienced would make you depressed anyway. Your hormones are TOTALLY out of wack, I would assume even moreso since it was a pre-mature birth. There may be some premie support groups out there also that can help you deal with your feelings. Take care!

Nothing you did or did not do caused your baby to be born early , these things just happen and there will never be an explanation for it , and if you have any more kids then there is no reason why you won't go full term. It is very common for women who have had difficault labors/births to suffer with some post natal depression , and I think you should speak to your doctor about how you feel , as this could be the reason why you feel like you do. Your baby is happy and healthy now , just focus on that and I hope you feel better soon.

I think all moms do the same thing to different degrees, I did not have a premie; however, My 1st son was perfect, but #2 I did something differently, I did not take my vitamins religiously Like I did w/ #1 and I dieted (ok relax everone I watched every calorie I put in my mouth and made sure it was enough for 2 of us but not too much) which again I did not do w/ #1, and I made the Dr. induce 1 week early because i spained my hip and was in SO much pain. after he was born he went to the NICU for sugar issues, and then had an UGI to rule out GERD at 1 week old, and thenhad Jaudice, and then at 1 yr had reactive airway from an egg allergy and now has a dog allergie, a bandaid allergy, and has asthma, and yes I blame myself for him being so sick all of the time. But after #3 I realize it is what it is and It was not M., sometimes poop happens and we can either focus on the fact we stepped in it or move on and wash it off.

It sounds like you need help moving on, please seek profesional help. He is perfect now and that is what counts.

Hugs!!!

Ditto... this is sounding like PPD.

Something ALWAYS goes wrong. Either during the pregnancy, the birth, or in the first time thereafter. As Cathy *wonderfully* pointed out "there is no perfect transition to Motherhood".

For M.... my pregnancy SUCKED. Bigtime. Do I wish that I was one of those happy, glowing, pregnant mums? Sure. ((Let M. count the ways being pregnant sucked: high risk for miscarriage, gained 180 lbs -YES you read that correctly-, had to have 5 LEEPS and multiple cancer treatments, was suicidally depressed for at least 1 hour every single day from end of first trimester -hormone reaction, like PPD but not post-, had toxemia and was so swollen I couldn't bend my toes or my ankles... and that's only the physical stuff not including losing my jobby job & health insurance, losing my DREAM job (traveling all over the world testing out adventure gear, and being paid ridiculously well for it), having to move in with other people (because I lost my job and had no income), agreeing to marry someone I probably shouldn't have, my favorite uncle getting killed in an avalanche, two of my good friends from the military dying, the USMC trying to reactivate M. while on bedrest because of 9-11... sheesh... the list just goes on and on.))

But people who saw M. around and about, and after really had no idea of what was up... because I didn't tell them. And the MOMENT I gave birth my hormones started to return to normal and the depression started to lift. Which was such a YUGE b.l.e.s.s.i.n.g.

Do I still occasionally "judge my insides by other's outsides"? Sure. I try not to. But it happens. I look at someone who has something I want, and I don't see them as whole people with their own problems and paths... I just see the thing I want (happy marriage, great career, time for whatever, a bikini body, whatEVER).

The thing is... I can see these things and shrug and laugh at myself... because I'm not clinically depressed. When I was depressed, money could have been raining from the sky and all I would have seen were taxes and regrets that I hadn't had it the week before.

I had a premature baby also, and my take on it was, wow, I was so lucky, he has turned out just fine. So I didn't look back, I just enjoyed my healthy baby (and felt so lucky he wasn't like others in the NICU with him).

It's possible that the premature birth isn't actually what's bothering you. I think you might have postpartum depression, and I strongly recommend you go to your doctor and tell her what you have written here.

It sounds like you are having a reall tough time, and I hope you get help and start feeling better soon. Hang in there, honey.

I agree that you should see your doctor about ppd. My daughter was born at 27 weeks because I had severe pre-eclampsia. Before that, I was very healthy, ate extremely well and did everything 'right'. My daughter was in the hospital for 4 months. I blamed myself constantly and worried about her all the time. Fast forward 4 years and my daughter is pretty much caught up, but a little skinny. The circumstances of her birth are no longer tormenting M. (and haven't for quite some time). I look forward to her future instead of at the past. It is hard to give up that idea of the perfect birth, but be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It was not your fault. This is just a difficult phase and it will end. All the best to you and your family.

It sounds a little like post-partum depression. Maybe you should see a counselor. You say your baby is healthy. You are very, very fortunate, and you should "count your blessings." I know someone whose baby was very premature & that baby is not healthy. That mother's life is forever changed & I have no idea how she copes with it. Child will never walk or feed himself, will forever need Mom & Dad to take care of him. It's very, very sad. You are very, very, very fortunate that your baby is healthy. So, he came a little early. He was just eager to meet M.!! If you can't shake this, see a counselor. Otherwise, in a few years you will regret all this worrying & sadness you felt instead of enjoying the precious early years with your child. Good luck!

Please talk to your primary care doctor about these feelings. It absolutely sounds like post-partum depression, which is totally normal and totally treatable in ways that do not require giving up breastfeeding (if you are.) A few weeks of these feelings are "baby blues." A few months is depression. I also strongly urge you to find a counselor to talk to. Ask your doctor for a recommendation, or someone in your faith community, or friends that you trust - or just call your insurance company and they will give you a list of people who they cover. A third party, who is not involved in your life, who is trained to help you ask good questions of yourself and help you find your own path to letting go. "Just get over it" never works. If you could "just get over it", you already would have.

You don't say specifically, but is this your first baby? I just offer that parenthood is a practice of surrender - surrendering your own needs, surrendering your time, surrendering your body, surrendering your expectations . . . this is often a really hard thing to accept, especially with your first child, it's such an abrupt and complete change in the structure of your life. Adding the trauma (yes, trauma) of a premature birth to that abrupt and complete change will certainly only make the transition more difficult.

Please talk to your ob/gyn, or your primary care doctor - that person is a great place to start this process. It will take time (for the meds to work) and work and patience, but you will find your way through this and be able to parent with joy and attention to what's in front of you, instead of being trapped by the past.

Best of luck to you -

I had a preemie almost a year ago, and it was just as sudden as you described. The pregnancy went fine and I did (almost) everything right, but I got some weird infection and boom, he was out. I also grieved the loss of those last few months of pregnancy, and it was awful to have to wait 4 days to even hold my little man. The subsequent 2 weeks brought all sorts of issues, including a transfer to Children's, but then he was able to come home. It was very hard, and I completely mourned the loss of that perfect birth and the ability to bring your baby home 3 days later happy and healthy. Then there were all the worries associated with having a preemie at the start of flu season!! Needless to say, it has not been an easy year, all around. I think the other posters are right to mention PPD, as it is a very real thing that many of us go through. I know I've had a touch of it myself this year, and I know the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer, as soon I'll be don't breastfeeding and can have my body and my normal hormones back. Anyway, I feel for you honey. Don't beat yourself up about the birth of your son. It happens to the best of us. Just look forward to next time and hope for the best!

Go see your doctor, talk to a neutral third person and get it all out. You have gone through a tramatic event that has you shaken to the core. You are not to blame for the early birth of your son. You have got to believe that. So many things are out of our control & so many varietables are moving around that you could not possibly have seen this coming. You have every right to your feelings. At some point you will be at peace with the birth and soon see all the upcoming wonderful events that await you! All the "first" holidays & milestones and before you know it, your little guy will be right on track & you won't need to keep a secondary schedule for growth.

Pregnancy & birth are what they are: crazy, amazing, scary, painful, enjoyable and full of every other emotion. All this in a brief period of time! Motherhood has so much in store for you. Some of it not pretty & you'll be second guessing & worrying then too if you're doing everything right. They don't come with instruction but loving and enjoying them is a step in the right direction. You certain do love your child. Talk with a healthcare professional and get to the enjoying part. You've earned it M.!

Another vote for a visit to your doctor... it definitely sounds like you are depressed! Grieving for the pregnancy you didn't get to have is normal, but you have a baby to worry about, so some help to get through the grieving process is important!!

I agree that a lot of this sounds like post-partum depression and a very good reason to call either your ob/gyn or your family doc, but I also wanted to point you in a direction for preemie and parent resources.

I know you're in Saint Paul and not Minneapolis, but let M. point you towards this resource:
http://ecfe.mpls.k12.mn.us/Parent_Preemie_Play_Learn.html

The teacher is passionately devoted to the well-being of preemies, and you would be able to meet other parents in similar situations.

I agree with everyone that you should go see someone. I highly recommend Deborah Simmons, PhD, with Partners in Healing, in Wayzata. If you're in Eagan, I know that this isn't super close to you. But, at least get some help quick and then you can look towards finding someone closer to you. I think it's worth the drive; this is her specialization (PPD, premature births, trouble conceiving, etc.). She's totally awesome. Good luck

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http://www.partnersinhealingofmpls.com/index.php?option=c...