Thank You Notes for Gifts--my Vent. What Makes People Behave That Way?

I don't do thank you notes if the people are standing right there and I thank them in person and have my children thank them as well. I try to send an email or make a phone to those who send money or a gift through the mail. I don't get offended if I don't get an official thank you card. I know my family members I send things to and know they are very thankfully but may be busy and later when we're talking get a thank you.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

My parents have stopped giving birthday cards and gifts to the grandchildren that do not call or write a thank you note. It's extreme - but seriously - my boys write my parents thank you notes for helping with fundraisers - boy scouts, cub scouts, baseball, etc.

For some reason, there is a large enough portion of society that feels they don't "need" to say thank you. It's a shame. It was called manners growing up and now it's just looked upon like "really? I need to do what?"

EDIT: My parents accept thank you's in person, but if they have taken the time to send it and the grandkid doesn't CALL and say THANK YOU or even TEXT thank you - they don't get.

My kids write thank you notes to people who they have not thanked in person. does that help?

I agree with Jo. Plus, times have changed, these are not the "good old days" anymore. Ideally I would like a quick email or text that they received my gift, just so I know it made it thru the mail. But I'm not going to get my panties in a wad over it if it doesn't happen.

Grrr, and probably the ONLY reason you gave the gift in the first place is so that you'd get a nice Thank You note in return?.....

Didn't think so. Not worth the angst.

:(

I don't think it's a sense of entitlement at all. I think giving a gift and expecting something in return is though...

Could it also be considered a sense of entitlement that you are "owed" a thank you note? My children and I don't expect gifts from anyone. When we receive gifts, we usually give a verbal thank you. I do have my son write a thank you note to my mom but it is more to practice his hand-writing and she likes to get notes from the grandkids and she always writes back so it is a fun way for them to keep in contact since we only see them a couple times a year. I also hate getting the obligatory thank you notes, I would rather speak with the person or watch them open the gift so I can see/hear their excitement. If I send a gift and don't hear anything, I usually call to check that it made it there. I love to give gifts and I never expect a thank you in return.

I say thank you in person...no notes! Not who I am and not going to change.

I don't expect them and I don't expect the gift...just the presence of the ppl around me. If that makes me rude in your eyes then I guess I am. But not going to change who I am.

No I don't feel entitled, I simply don't like doing them and I will always call (if received in the mail) or give thanks in person.

I am big on sending out thank you notes but on the flip side it doesn't matter one way or another if I never get one. I give gifts because I enjoy to give things to people not because I need my backside kissed in return.

Yeah I am that person who has been known to send things to people with no way of them tracking it back to me. The last thing I want a gift from me to do is make the receiver feel they owe me anything. :)

A gift should not be given with any expectations. If you expect anything in return (even a thank you) you are giving a gift for the wrong reasons.

That being said, I always thank everyone who took the time to get me or my child a gift. I mostly do thank you's in person, although I do try to send notes when I can. I send thank you notes for showers or weddings, but birthday or Christmas gifts, I think a thank you in person is plenty.

I agree with some of the moms. My kids thank in person and for our friends and family that is enough. Dont let this bother you. There is so many other things to worry about.

Soooo... What if they said 'thank you' at the event, is that still not enough? I mean, why oh why do you NEED them to send a written 'thanks'? Are you going to laminate it and put it in a solid gold frame? I think you are overreacting. I like to send thank you cards, but never notice if others don't. I know they love and appreciate me or they wouldn't have thought to invite me. Most people say their 'thanks' at whatever the celebration was and I think that's sufficient. As far as your precious time and money, you were probably going to be out shopping anyway. If it's that much of a headache to give a gift, just send your regrets, don't send a gift and carry on.

I think it's more a symptom of how ridiculously busy our lives have become. All the best intentions don't always end up as a thank you! I agree, it is the right thing to do. I also think people are just busy, not intentionally rude

We were taught to send thank you notes to people that we were unable to thank in person.

I don't understand it either. If I give the gift in person, then I'm fine with them just telling me "thank you", but when I send a gift, I would at least like to know they received it. I don't expect a handwritten thank you, but I do expect acknowledgment of the gift. A phone call, email, or even a text message would make me satisfied. I don't give gifts because I want the thank you in return, but because I was thinking of the person and really took the time to give them something I thought they'd like. I know people are busy, and I know things slip people's minds, but that happens to me, too, and I manage to find time to remember their event and take time to purchase and deliver/mail a gift. I have actually stopped giving gifts to some people due to their lack of common courtesy. For most of these people now, I just send a card, and I feel better about it.

I don't suppose that there's any forgiveness for the pitiful among us who might actually purchase very nice thank you notes, write them immediately, but for some dumb reason, somehow between the stamping and addressing phase, manage not to get some or all of them sent out... Not saying I'm related to, know, or possibly even AM such a lame person...but perhaps it's more than just a sense of entitlement behind the lack of written thank you's. Even if it's still incredibly lame.

I hear ya. I've posted on here about my family never even acknowledging the mailed gift. So I don't even know if they've received it! It got old trying to follow-up by leaving messages "...so did you receive the gift??" At this point, I'd gladly take a text letting me know that they got it and thanks. How freaking hard is it to let people know that you appreciate their effort?? Ridiculous.

Added: and I'm not talking about expecting a written thank you if they opened the gift in front of me; that's different. Etiquette in regards to gifts opened at birthday parties, etc. where you thank them in person suffices.

I agree, as mentioned in an earlier post about thank you notes, IF a person can take the time out to buy/make you a gift, certainly a person can take the time to thank them... As I tell my son, good manners are NEVER out of season.... under my roof, my rules.. he does write thank notes for every gift received... As do I.... call me old fashioned, but hey...... when did being polite and having good manners ever go out of style.

I disagree with the thought that "expecting" a thank you note is a sense of entitlement.
That's like saying don't "expect" someone to thank you for opening a door for them, or holding an elevator--it's good manners--plain and simple. And a sign of good breeding, in the sense that you were "raised right"!

Here's another example, possibly even worse--"Be sure to tell xyz I said 'thanks' " Really? How about pick up the phone and thank them yourself?

Yup, it's a dying trend to be polite in many ways.

If I get the gift in person, I thank them then. I don't do a thank you note in that case. If I got the gift in the mail or through someone else, then I send a note.

I believe in writing thank you notes and it is just the way I was raised. I don't send gifts in order to receive a thank you. Most everyone I know has the same opinion as I do regarding proper etiquette.

My daughter has always written thank you notes as well. When she was little, she might scribble but she took part in it. She knows the routine and she writes thank yous without being prompted because she knows it is the right thing to do.

Also, we are very active with fundraising for cheerleading and the people who purchase advertising from us DO NOT have to, they do it because they are supporting our team. Anyone who participates in a fundraiser we have also receives a thank you note.

BTW, at our school the advertising is huge for the football/activity programs. Not only did we write a personal thank you, the PTSA President also sent thank you letters to each and every person who advertisied and took part in the fundraising.

I do believe there is some sense of entitlement. if I have to ask you if you received my gift, then rest assured, next time you might get a card only.

It is just the right thing to do, period. I manage to take a few short minutes to let someone know that I appreciate their gesture. "Oh my life is so busy" is just an excuse.. My life is full and busy too but I still practice good etiquette and teach it to my daughter.

I couldn't agree with you more! I don't expect anything other than a simple thank you - whether it's spoken in person when the gift is received, a phone call, facebook post, e-mail, text message, or a little note! My brother-in-laws and their families (we have nine nieces and nephews between the two) of them never come in for birthdays (which is fine by me) or holidays (again fine by me) so we'd ship the gifts to them UPS and make a note of the tracking number to make sure the gifts were received. I kinda feel bad because we've stopped sending birthday gifts this year - I know it's not the kids faults but I just felt like we were throwing our money away - so we have decided to make a donation to a charity of our choosing with the money that we would have spent on their gifts.

i give verbal 'thank you's' & many of them, i am very genuine also.......is that not acceptable?

and i ALWAYS rsvp, even for the 9 birthday parties we have in the next 3 weeks......seriously people compare thank you notes to RSVP, ridiculous

It is not acceptable. Any gift given that someone took the time to make and or shop for deserves the respect of a written thank you note. My children are now almost all adults. (29, 23, 22 and 16) they know even now when they don't all live at home anymore that a thank you note is written before an object is used. the grandchildren are being taught the same thing. I am not sure its a sense of entitlement but more a matter of the parents just not taking the time to teach their children etiquette. I wish that more people would take the time to teach their children basic etiquette. I bet more often than not those who don't write thank you notes are the same ones who don't RSVP. sigh........

Sometimes it slips their minds to remember to write a thank you note.

I know when I have a family birthday party for my son, he makes sure to give a hug and thank you to the person who gave him a present after he opens it. I do this because he needs to thank them right then and there. Mostly because I probably won't get to the actual thank you notes for awhile. His birthday is right before christmas time, so, yes, some years I simply forget to do it. It doesn't mean that I didn't appreciate or feel entitled to not send a thank you note. It just means I forget to do it. Now, other times of the year when someone has sent me something, or if someone gives my son a present, then, yes, I will send one off right away. It's just one and I can remember that one.

Close friends and family kind of get a break anyways, so I don't care if I get a thank you note or vice versa. We see each other so much, and give so much, that their really isn't a need to send a thank you note.

To me, if someone says thank you, that will suffice.

if you're talking close friends and family, then i would thank them then and there and that would be the end of it. if they mailed me something, i'd call them. i very rarely send thank-yous. rather than reserving those for close friends and family, i actually only do it for people i know would think less of me if i didn't- which do NOT include my close friends or family. if i think a thank you next time i see them, or a fb "thanks", will suffice, i do it. but i know how people can get about "thank you cards". which is why i don't LIKE sending them. because i am doing it because i feel i "have" to, not because of the actual gratitude. which i also feel. but it isn't enough for some people.

people that i am close to give and receive gifts fairly regularly. it's not about sending a thank you card. it's about "i saw this and thought of you." feeling the need to then go buy a card, fill it out, send it, doesn't say, "i saw this and thought of you" to me. that says, "i felt that since you got me a present i had to send you a thank you card." great. i'd rather someone just thank me in person or on the phone.

Times have changed. I don't send thank you cards, but I do call and thank people or thank them a lot in person. If it's a close friend/family, I will usually have my kids draw them a thank you picture or something. Is a heartfelt thanks not enough, but you have to be validated a second time for a gift? (Unless of course it's a baby shower/wedding gift, there should be a thank you note of some kind.)

I only send thank you notes for more formal occasions. When I had my baby shower, wedding shower, wedding....Oh yes....thank you notes were sent for each of those gifts.
The rest of the time, a phone call or email will do. I don't feel I need to send, for example, my aunt a thank you note for a Christmas gift. I just say thank you when we talk on the phone. And I think that is fine.
I will say this, my MIL sends little gifts for our son every 2 or 3 weeks and sometimes it is hard to remember to say thank you for each one...but it is clear that is what she expects because on the few occasions I have forgotten to call or email, she calls or emails ME and makes a big show of asking if I "got it in the mail OK."
I think THAT is rude, for several reasons. One, She ONLY calls/emails ME about the gifts, not my husband. Double standard. My parents would never expect my husband to call and thank them personally for gifts they send our son. Yet because I am the woman, I am expected to be the social manager and handle all the "niceties" for BOTH sides of the the family. Meanwhile her own son is off the hook for saying thank you of course!
Two, I work FT, I am extremely busy and I resent her adding one more thing I have to mentally keep track of. If it were every once in a while, fine but she literally is sending stuff every 2 weeks!
Three, we don't have the greatest relationship with her and FIL and I know her sending gifts at least once every 2-3 weeks is partly a way for her to get attention and be more involved since we have deliberately distanced ourselves from them over the years and she knows it.
So thanks for giving ME the chance to vent!!!

Hmmm...if they are close family and friends than they would give me a heartfelt "thank you" and a hug and I would be fine. If it's a gift I sent than I would get a phone call and a thank you. I don't ever expect to get written thank you cards and in fact don't send any out myself. I love my family and friends and am always sure to individually, verbally thank them.
L.
Actually, I DO have my boys send out a thank you to my grandmother. She is extremely picky about thank you's for some reason. A phone call and email are not enough. She expects a card. And if she doesn't get one than she doesn't give you any gifts...ever. I think it's crazy. She got all on my mother because *I* didn't have my boys send her a thank you card this past Christmas. Oh, I am so sorry...I had a baby a week after Christmas, she refused to nurse and lost 2 pounds, I had a horrible reaction to the medication I was taking, I had to get my gall bladder removed, I had horrible fisures and diareah AND I got hospitalized for pneumonia. Sometimes LIFE gets in the way and thank you cards are the least of my concerns.

I have never sent thank you notes. I was never taught to, so I honestly don't even think of it. But in our family, it really isn't necessary. We always give our thanks in person, or make a phone call.... they know we appreciate it, so why do they need a written note? In all actuality, if someone wanted to thank me for a gift I gave them I would much prefer a phone call to a note. MUCH more personal. I do make a point of posting pics of my DD enjoying her gifts (she is only 18 months, and we live on the other side of the country...) so that they can see it, along with a caption acknowledging the gift.

Not to mention, in my circle of friends and family, we are CONSTANTLY giving gifts. We would be spending a fortune in stamps and stationary trying to keep up with letters! Hmm... maybe we should. Perhaps that would help the USPS with their financial troubles...

Manners should be important, but nowadays it seems that it's too much of a bother for most people to use them, or they never learned them. I was taught them, taught them to my children, and am teaching them to my 2.5 year old. He says, "Please," "Thank you" and "I'm sorry" on his own. I'm also teaching him not to be rude, interrupt, etc. And when he's old enough he'll be signing the "thank you" cards for his gifts.

I read an article awhile back about 25 manners a child should know by the time they're 7 years old, and #12 even acknowledges that if not an email, than a "thank you" card is appropriate. I may be old school, too, but I believe in using good manners.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/25-manners-every...#

I was never taught to do this as a child. After we had our son and received so many gifts, I started doing it. I would do it for birthdays and Christmas. Now he is at the age where he can sign the cards himself and I think the people who take the time, money, and effort to send him a gift really appreciate a thank you note. I know that I appreciate receiving them.

Of course times are changing and I know a lot of people no longer think thank you notes are necessary, so I'm trying to cut people some slack when they don't send one. Life is too short to get angry over the little things.

I ALWAYS send thank you cards. I'm with you on this one. Too many people were not taught what is right. One year my aunt complained to my mom that she did not get a thank you card from me(my aunt and mom are always fighting with each other so I'm sure it was just to give my mom a barb). I always send thank you cards so I was shocked...but I didn't remember if I had or had not sent one bc it had been half a year. I promptly sent one to her. The funny thing is my entire adult life my aunt (who I will send a little gift to at xmas. I make art and sometimes will send her homemade cards or a print or a homemade tile or something fun) has NEVER once sent me a thank you note. I don't really care. But to me it is good manners to send one.

I totally agree with you! I have ALWAYS sent a thank you note for every gift that we have ever been blessed with. I have gotten maybe a dozen thank you notes for the gifts I have given in the past 15 years or so. Its something I don't understand because I was raised to think that it was the right thing to do--- I think overall that some people have gotten more and more selfish and have that attitude of entitlement. But just because someone doesn't thank me or give me a thankyou note, that won't stop me from giving. I love to give and it makes me happy to see others happy with the gifts I have given.

M

Why would I send my close friend or family a thank you note? I call them or tell them in person. I sent thank you notes for big things like baby showers, but that was really it. I think expecting a thank you note is rude. I had friends that lost EVERYTHING in the tornado that rolled through Alabama in the spring and she was pregnant with baby #3. A lady at my husband's work wanted to send things but only if she would get a note of thanks back. I told her NO WAY and to keep her stuff. Really? I always pick up the phone or say it in person, but why do I NEED to send a note and why is it rude if I don't?

I am Guilty - I'll admit it. I have four kids and I just never get around to those thank yous (although I do try to call or facebook). It goes on my to do list and it comes off about two months later when I haven't gotten it done. On the other side, though I return the favor by working just as hard on their presents and I tell people, especially new moms that they needn't send a note. I'd rather they take a spare moment to actually read one of their magazines. Perfectionism is part of the problem. If I don't have time to sit down and write a really thoughtful note its really really hard to do it at all.

I think a thank you at the time the gift is given, or if it is mailed, a nice phone call, is more than sufficient and way better than a thank you note. Most people I know don't do them any more, they are outdated and a waste of paper. Saying something in person or on the phone means way more and is way more personal.

I was raised if the gift is given in person - you give a personal thanks at the time of giving. If it is mailed or the person is not present at the giving,a note is sent. I agree that saying thanks seems to be a lost art. Frustrates me at times too.

I know what you mean. I don't remember EVER getting a thank you note. I recently sent a wedding gift to someone out of town b/c I wasn't able to make it to the wedding & they didn't even let me know that they rec'd it or if they liked it...nothing. I had to message them to find out (after about a week I checked the postage for delivery confirmation so I knew they rec'd it) & they let me know they rec'd it when I asked. I found that a bit rude. I always go overboard in thanking people but it IS disheartening in a way when I don't get the same courtesy. I feel the same way you do. I shop for the perfect gift, something I feel they may like or can use & get them a beautiful card too just to hear nothing back from them. I mean, afterall, I didn't "have" to get them anything. Same thing for Christmas cards. I used to send everyone a Christmas card, now I don't b/c I never get any thank you's or get a card in return...selfish I know but it's nice to know that someone thought enough of me, in return or in the first place, to send me a card too. Even thanking me via email or phone/text or IM would be great but never get anything. This is not counting those 'in person' thank you's when I give a gift in person, I'm always thanked in person. I'm referring to out of town people I correspond with. But all in all, sometimes I feel I'm a better friend to people than they are to me.

Guilty...when it comes to writing. I am very conscious of thanking people when I see them in person, and am genuinely appreciative but I end up putting off actually writing notes until it's embarrassingly late. I wanted to send notes after my b'day -- hubby said to send a group email -- but I thought it was nicer to write -- and I never did. I won't give you the litany of what my life was like at the time -- suffice to say I was unrealistic about having the "me" time to write the thank you notes!!

People are SO busy. Working, many children, etc. But a quick thank you note -- and I think email is fine although I always do snailmail - is just a courtesy that I would hate to see disappear. It takes 2 minutes and a stamp (or even less time and an email for FREE), and if you can't be bothered to do that, than I just wonder. And it has nothing to do with the expectation of a gift. Rather, if a gift is given, which is a wonderful thing in this economy, a thank you is a common courtesy and it is sad that people no longer expect them.

I think expectations are not a good thing. You should give a gift because you want to. In your heart of hearts, do you really think all those non-thank you card writing people are not grateful or are self entitled? I find that hard to believe. Is a verbal "thank you" not good enough for you? Apparently I missed that memo. I was not raised to do "thank you" notes, so I don't really expect them & I think nothing of it. Are you not at the events in which are giving the gifts?

People are busy, life is crazy for a lot of people right now. I think a thank you note is not something to get so upset over in the big scheme of things.