Terrible Twos? - Schertz,TX

A young child's life is pretty constantly managed, and often abruptly manipulated, limited and controlled by parents, schedules and circumstances. They hear "no" a dozen times an hour, and are lucky if they get "yes" anywhere near as often.

One useful way to shift that balance is to offer alternatives to an unwanted activity; a distracting toy, or a kind and patient instruction in what you DO want from him, rather than what you don't. Bear in mind that his attention span is short, his desires are huge, and he'll be needing this same gentle guidance a thousand times a month for the next two years. NOT his fault.

Few children can accept constant correction and management without distress (nor could most adults). Too much frustration, which the child did not choose to feel, quite logically results in either tantrums or withdrawal. In the case of tantrums, parents may believe it necessary to add an additional frustrating layer of discipline, which usually translates as "punishment." For a young child, this usually adds to his emotional burden, confoundment, and rage.

Consider life from your son's perspective. Negative behavior seldom, if ever, occurs without some situation that provokes it. So it's up to the parent to consider likely trigger situations, and avoid or alter them when possible.

There may be ways you can reduce the conflict and clashes by simplifying his days, planning ahead when you need to meet a schedule, giving him advance notice when he'll need to let go of an activity he's enjoying, participate cheerfully with him when you want him to complete a task (probably won't take any more time than dealing with a tantrum), and keep as much humor and fun in your days as possible (this will enrich your parenting experience, too!).

Hello J.,

As a parent coach, I specialize in the toddlers. They developmentally have certain traits, one of them being the need for control.

Quicky, I suggest you choose your wording, providing him the control he needs while getting the results you want.

One way, is choices, "do you want eggs or cereal for breakfast". You're willing to make either, but he gets to choose.

I also strongly encourage, Yes statements, "yes you can have ice cream, after you finish dinner." I find the word no creates anger & fighting.

If you're looking for books, check out Love & Logic. It's great!

R. Magby

This is normal. Take a deep breath. When he has a freak out (melt down in my household) it is more than likely that he doesn't even know why, even if it started with something simple such as "Please do not throw your toys."

Listen to the advice from Peg M and Rebecca M. They are spot on.

One thing that has helped us is to give our boy choices. Either/or is much better than open-ended questions. And, what is your boy passionate about that he simply does not want to give up? For our boy, it is his story time at night. When we get to a situation where he's being stubborn, we'll say, "Would you like to keep throwing toys, or would you like books tonight?" We started this approach at about 2.5 years (7 months ago) and he has had only 4 or 5 nights without books. We read at other times every day, so the few times he's gone to be without books I have tried not to feel guilty.

As for the ignoring the tantrum, well sometimes that works, sometimes not. As long as the tantrum doesn't escalate into distress for the child, walking away can save both you and him.

One last note. Our son's first pediatrician told us that he theorizes that children, from infants to teenagers, are overwhelmed by what happens in their brains. Meaning that all the neuron firing, brain growth, etc is actually noisy to them, as they haven't developed the ability to block out the brain functioning "noise". He says that all that noise is too much for them sometimes, and they will just cry, scream, or 'freak'. This makes sense to me, for what it's worth.

Hang in there! He's perfectly on target for his age.

Hi J.,
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If you’d like to chat, I am available.

B.
Family Success Coach

I always agree with 123 Magic to work with little ones. My son started terrible twos when he was one and a half and is just now starting to smooth out (he's almost 8). He was asked to leave several daycares due to his tantrums, aggression, etc. (he was a biter, hitter, and kicker also). Finally he was diagnosed ADHD/ODD. It is a long road if that turns out to be your case, but 123 Magic did help us along the way. It is a very nice program for disciplining your child while helping you not to stress out. There are books and/or videos to help teach you. Good luck to you.