My daughter who will be 4 in October (so a little over 3 1/2 years is becoming increasingly destructive. She has always had a bit of it in her but over the last couple of months it has become worse. Problems include tearing up books, opening a box of wipes and throwing the entire contents around the room (suppossed to be napping) breaking toys, mechanical pencil to my computer monitor, etc.
Some of the time she is unsupervised as these things go on during nap time. Other times she has chosen to play up in her room or is with me in the same room and starts acting out. I can't see any real reason for it. I don't necessarily think it is for attention as, like I mentioned, I am sometimes right there with her- and paying attention to her. Could she possibly just like the negative attention?
She seems to think it is a big joke when she does it. If I try to talk to her about what she has done she is unable to maintain eye contact and smiles and I can see the lack of focus on what I am saying.
When she tore up library books I had her take them all back to the library, apologize to the librarian and she lost nighttime stories for a week (which she loves) She did it again though several weeks later.
Please help! I am at my wits end with her and don't know where to go from here. I've put a lock on my home office so she can't get in unless mom or dad is with her. Also, I am thinking of taking everything but her bed out of her room so there is nothing for you to be destructive with when she is supposed to be napping.
Any suggestions as to punishment, ways to deal with this, get it to stop, etc. would be much appreciated.
One of the responses is that she is bored so I want to clarify a few things: First, my daughter is in preschool 4 days a week 8:30am-3:30pm same as my son. She has a lot of socialization there as well as when she gets home. Our neighborhood is full of children that either come to our house or she plays at their houses. She behaves very well when she is at school and at other's homes.
Also, when she was in my office with me the three of us (her, my son and myself) were looking through craft books trying to decide on a project to do that day. She doesn't have to entertain herself, she chooses to independantly play on her own.
As far as the napping goes, she naps at school each day and still naps at home when she's not busy destroying things. The destruction goes on throughout the day here whether we are all playing TOGETHER or she's alone. It's not just reserved for nap time.
i recommend reading on becoming child wise and on becoming preschool wise they are very informative and offer many helpful suggestions to curb this kind of behavior
Hi S., WOW, I know what I would, but I'm 52 I'm old school. I like what you did by making her apoligize to the Libraian, that was right on the mark. Unfortunenely it wasn't enough for her to learn her lesson. I believe if you remmove everything from her room but her bed, she will find other things to be distructive too, you cant just hide away valubles, breakables, that decor your home. cause she will never learn. Punishment and discipline are 2 different things, for example she didn't get stories for a week, that's punishment, and becasue it was a week drawn out it wasn't impacting enough, discipline is where you handle it right there and then, and your done til next time, the right discipline witll be the difference between there being a next time and not being a next time, now do not believe in beating your children, I don't believe in telling or screaming at them, that makes them feel small, but I do believe in spanking, let me explain myself, my husband and I have 3 kids, (now grown) when the were tot's to 10 years old, they were disciplined my husband gave one warning, let them know you do that again I will swat your butt, well if they did do it again they got 2 good swats, thats it, no down and out spanking just 2 swats, afterwards my husband talked to them explained then why they got the swats, gave them a hug and it was over, they were disciplined and loved at the same time, there's was no anger envolved whats so ever, and you know what S., it was a very rare thing in our home if my husband had to discipline any of our kids for the same thing more than once
out of 3 kids we can probably count on one hand how many time we had to swat our kids. To this day they tell us every chance they get, that they contribute their discipline and the way they were raised to the men and woman they are today. We know our way was they right way for our kids, we have the finished results right in from of us, so and your husband and to decide for your family what you think will the right way. some moms are going to tell you redirect them to something else, that's fine and well at the moment, but that is not going to teach your daughter, that what she is doing is not acceptible, discipline needs to be firm enough to where your child tells themselves, I'm not doing that again, because it the same behavior is happening over and over, then it's obvious the discipline you are using isn't productive. Children will make some of the same mistakesmore than once, but you can tell if it's just who they are by it happing to often. So I hope this helps a little, if you don't want this to get worse as she gets older you have to nip it in the bud. now. J. L.
Hi S.:
You didn't mention,if your daughter goes to a preschool,or has any playmates.Children this age require more stimulation. She gets bored attempting to entertain herself.You are under the assumption,that because your in the same room,that this is accommodating her,when in fact,its most likely frustrating to her,that you are right there,but to busy with your work,to notice what shes doing.All this destruction,is to get NEEDED attention. Spanking her is NOT the type of attention SHE NEEDS.Most children outgrow their naps after 2 or 3.Leaving her in her room alone awake,is opening the door for a free for all.She is stuck,and bored with her toys,so the next best thing is to tear things up.If I were you, I'd send her to a preschool for a few hours a day. It's hardly fair,that she have to wait for her sibling all day before having someone to play with. I'd set aside one on one time with her,before your 5 year old comes home.I wish you and your darlin daughter the best.J. M
S.,
I work with families just like yours. If you want to connect, please just ask: ____@____.com
Kim, Mom of Amber, 6, Garret, 10, & Shelby, 15
“After struggling in school for two years with not being able to focus and regulate his behaviour, my son, Garret, after 8 weeks on the Isagenix nutritional shakes, is a new boy. Normally, he would have at least one incident a day and sometimes multiple! His school said I should put him on a popular “doctor recommended medicinal program” to help maintain his focus. I chose Isagenix instead. He is able to focus and moderate his own energy so he can get the most out of his studies and relationships at school. We have noticed the change at home also. Our WHOLE FAMILY now has an Isagenix shake in the morning as our step toward our optimal health!”
Angela, Mom of Jared age 6 and Nyah, age 2.
My son was heading down a very BAD road in school. He was RARELY focused, always "fidgety," becoming increasingly defiant and a behavior problem, and he HATED THE ALPHABET!!! By the bizillionth time his teacher reported a bad day with him, I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! That was a Friday. I decided to give him an Isagenix shake every day for a week and see what happened. By Monday morning, he'd had three shakes. Off to school he went. THAT DAY, his teacher reported an EXCELLENT day with him! Tuesday = AWESOME DAY. Wednesday = amazed look on her face = GREAT DAY!!! By the end of the week, he had had the best week in school he'd ever had! I have known for months that I needed to get these shakes into my kids, but my son refused. I TRIED forever, but he's a stubborn little cuss!!! Anyway, we are finishing up our second week of shakes, and school has become an awesome experience for him rather than a drudgery.
My little girl was born with special needs and has always been pretty much "in her own world." She rarely paid attention to anyone around her. She would never interact with others. She would tire easily and constantly take "cat naps." Once I started giving her a shake every day (starting end of September), the difference was night and day. Her aide reports that she pays attention to the other kids at school and even LAUGHS at them!! She's focused on the activities (NEVER BEFORE!!), and she's engaging in activities that I never thought she'd be able to do. AND she can go all afternoon WITHOUT A NAP!! In other words, she's wonderful!
B., B.A.:B.Ed.
Family Wellness Coach
"Eduation not Medication"
It's natural for kids to destroy things and make a mess. It takes a lot of work for us parents to civilize them because they don't mind damaged objects and chaos. In fact, creating the damage and chaos is most of the fun when you are 3-1/2 years old. In our house, up until just recently (my children are almost 5 and 6 now), we had most of our house babyproofed so that our children couldn't access areas of the house that I didn't want them in without supervision or so that they couldn't get into the cabinets with our china and other valuable items. Now that my children are older, there's still destruction that goes on but it is mostly with their toys and they know that if they destroy something, they will not get a new one. They can save up the money from doing chores to buy a replacement or they can wait until the next gift giving holiday.
One of the things that I thought of when I was reading your post is maybe your daughter is done with naps now hence the mass destruction that goes on while she is supposed to be sleeping. Maybe what you can do is have her do some yoga or other physical activity with you for a bit to wear her out and then have some quiet reading or music listening time right after it instead.
And then there's always the good old fashioned time out that you can use when you catch her destroying property (3 minutes for a 3 year old, 4 minutes for a 4 year old). Or you can opt to use a reward system where she gets a sticker each time you see her treating her toys and other things gently and if she accumulates so many stickers, she can earn a special privilege that day. The Super Nanny book maybe a good book for you to read to learn more about how to best effectively implement these two behavior modification options.
Another thing you can do when you catch her in the act of destroying something, make sure that she cleans it up or repairs the object but also, show her how to turn the pages of the book or handle the toy by doing it yourself and hand-over-hand doing it with her while saying something like, "We play with it gently," to her. It's no use punishing and scolding her if you are not actually showing her what you expect of her.
Lastly, whatever method you choose to deal with this issue, consistency is key. She won't learn what you want her to learn immediately but if you are clear and consistent, she will pick it up soon enough.
Wishing you and your daughter the best.
Since she is almost 4 yrs. old and you notice she is getting MORE "destructive" for some reason... I would ask your Pediatrician.
Sure, kids have phases... but, since this seems to be an anomaly with her and a concern... I would ask your Pediatrician...
it MAY become a school problem/behavioral problem....
It is also paramount, to find out WHY she is becoming this way... what about in school? Is she getting picked on, having problems there, being mis-treated, or anything else? What do her Teachers say? Ask them about any ideas they have or solutions.
Next, can you go to the school and observe? How is your daughter there?
Something is tweaking her... and she seems quite frustrated or stressed or bothered about something... and a child cannot always adeptly "express" why or what happened if something bad happened to them... and a child cannot make sense of their emotions either.... so they then improperly express it in 'negative' ways.
Try talking with her, explore her feelings and why, if anything is bothering her... ask her why she is so destructive? Don't judge her but just gather information and SEE how her emotional well-being is. Then, figure it out.
To me, something is causing this.
Or maybe she has cognitive problems... because if a behavior is escalating... and it is extreme not just regular developmental "phases", then something has to be figured out as to WHY it is happening.
As you said, she cannot maintain eye contact, laughs/smiles inappropriately when you talk to her, and can't seem to focus on what you are saying.
I wish you all the best... I hope her behavioral problems are something that can be found out... or perhaps something is happening at school? Or, many times children act out like this when there is something lacking in their "needs" somehow.
Take care,
Susan
