Terrible Threes?? - Scarborough,ME

What worked for my daughter was down time. Sometime that was in her room for a bit
Once they turn four it does get better. He is testing boundaries. His actions have reactions riding off on his scooter when your yelling at him to stop, he loses scooter for a week. He doesn't put away certain toys, they get put up for a week. He doesn't listen while at home no going anywhere fun for a while. My daughter did better knowing her actions of reactions. Instead of being told over and over I did it but when she asked for her toys or to go somewhere or something I told her no because you don't listen while at home so I'm not taking you somewhere and you do something because you won't listen. Or you didn't pick it up last time I asked you to it is put away until you can clean up as well.

Yep. They are the terrible 3s. There are more questions about 3 yr old behavior on here than 2s, that's for sure. 4s aren't so great either. 5s are great. Live for 5!

Believe it or not, that's pretty typical 3 yr old behavior. Not good, just typical. It's at this point that you read and adopt a parenting strategy.
Love and Logic is a good one and there are others. Consistency is critical.
You won't have to correct him a few times but several times a day for the next two years. I know, makes you want to pull out your hair! Parenting is not for sissies!

The reward Of these two hard years of disapline is a smoother time the next few years. It's so worth your time and effort! Let your emotions take a back seat for a while. It's just a developmental stage. Pick your battles.

Safety is crucial. Calmly employ the disapline that fits the crime and connects to the crime. If he runs away on the big wheel, NO big wheel for a while. It immediately goes away. He will scream and pitch a fit, which he can do in his room.

If you look into the eyes of everybody with a three yr old boy, your see a person doing their best while training a tornado of emotions! Seek a play group and you will find hands on encouragement.
Just hang in there.

First of all, I sympathize! Some kids just do not respond to the same techniques as others or that "the books" recommend.

Second, you were NOT being rough! You had to protect him and you grabbed him - that's fine. And on the plus side, your screaming alerted the older child that there was a problem, and he stopped. It didn't help stop your son, but it might have. That sort of thing can alert others in the area that there's a problem. So I wouldn't apologize for screaming or worry that you sounded like a lunatic.

I think that there may be some value in talking less to this particular child, and acting more quickly with less verbiage. When my child decided to ride out into the street with no helmet, I took his bike and hung it in the garage rafters where he could see it every day but not reach it. He whined of course, and I told him the bike is for big boys or responsible boys who wear helmets and stop at the driveway's edge. (We also live on a street with very little traffic, but it's the principle of the thing.) The bike was there for 2 weeks. For your son, you might try 4 days at his age.

Whether he understands the danger is immaterial. All he really has to understand is that he has to listen to Mom, no matter what. A friend of mine has a separate word for dangerous things: she says "FREEZE!" That's different than "Stop" as in "stop messing up the puzzle pieces" and "stop watching TV." "Freeze" is for no nonsense immediate response.

For cleaning up (as in the Play Dough example you gave), try giving a 5 minute warning (or setting a kitchen timer). You might even try one with a "5 minute warning" beep. When it's time to clean up, either he does it, or you put the play dough in the closet and it doesn't come out. When my son refused to clean his room (and of course I broke it down into small manageable tasks, not just a vague "clean up" directive), the "offending" toys went into the attic for a while. He got to keep his "comfort" items like stuffed animals, and he got to keep books - but Legos and hot wheels were a luxury only for kids who listen to Mom. Being sent to one's room is a lot more effective when there aren't a ton of fun toys in there.

I assume that you have some simple storage solutions to make clean up easy for a 3.5 year old - I used bins and baskets with a picture of the items on the outside, so it was clear (without my endless reminders) that Legos went in Bin 1 and cars/trucks went in Bin 2, that sort of thing. That helps cut down on the constant talking and verbal reminders, limiting you to 1 warning and 1 final directive.

So don't turn things into a battle. Give immediate consequences - he will understand those even if he is ignoring your words. My son also went through a head-butting phase and I responded with immediate consequences. If we were in line at McDonald's or at a park or at a play date, no matter what, I scooped him up and put him in the car seat immediately - so he was instantly restrained and kept from whatever he wanted to do. I simple said "No head butting, ever." After that, I did not talk to him for a solid 5 minutes. If possible, I left him alone in the car - where he could see me but not get my attention. I didn't respond to a tantrum or screaming - I just read a book or played a game on my phone, anything to ignore him.

So I would suggest that you switch your focus from "listen to me explain this" to "when I say X there will be immediate consequences that you won't like." He's getting a payoff from the screaming - negative or not, he's getting attention, and some kids just thrive on that. Deprive him of your attention, and make it more about what he loses than what he has to listen to over and over. He's tuning you out, so the repetition is just wasted effort and frustration for you, with no gain on the behavior side.

If he comes out of his room or the carseat and starts up again, just repeat the consequences. He'll get sick of it a lot sooner than you will if you can be more matter-of-fact and control your own anger (which I know is a huge challenge when you're so frustrated!) - he'll see that controlling screaming works more effectively. If you scream at his defiance, that's when the battle ensues. I know you're trying to scream OVER his screaming, but sometimes the exact opposite is more effective with some kids - just go "quiet" and non-verbal, and ultimately he will learn that no matter what, Mommy's going to win this!

I have a child like that. There was too much yelling; it was awful for both of us!! So I did preschool for longer hours, each day.
Mine would literally cry all day...just cry and scream over who knows what! If he got a piece of candy it was not BIG enough, and he'd have a fit, that kind of thing.

Even dad could not stand to be around him. He was fine at school though.

Right on schedule developmentally :-)

When my 3 year old won't do what I ask, he is given a choice: do you want to do X now or after you've gone to your room and have decided to cooperate? I then say, "it's your choice?" If he refuses to go to his room, I pick him up and put him there. No more words, no yelling ---though earlier today I literally wanted to belt him one!

It's very important that you model calm behavior. They have so many emotions they are trying to deal with. I expect a normal voice, if he gets out of control, I ask for a normal voice, I tell him to take a deep breath, and if that doesn't work, off to his room until he is calm.

when he does cooperate, give a thumbs up, a high five...say, that's what I call being responsible. That was helpful...wow, you sure know how to take care of your stuff.

I also do a Saturday box and put toys in a TO.

You need to stop screaming....that will just feed his emotions. I know, easier said than done.

I am completely in the same boat with my almost 4 year old girl. She is my second child. My first is a boy. She is a creature of habit. Every day she wakes up at pretty much the same time - no matter how late she goes to bed. When she gets up she wants to go downstairs and watch tv and then almost immediately be served her breakfast. When she woke up today I asked her to come into my bed for a bit b/c our house was very cold this morning and I wanted to wait a little bit for the heat to kick in. It turned into World War 3! And I wanted to stand my ground yet felt like I was ruining her expectation of how HER morning should be.
Regarding your son, in some ways it sounds like he is a typical boy with lots and lots of energy and was not only challenging himself to see if he could get all the way to the busy street, but also challenging you and how far you would let him go. One thing I want to do is read the book "The 5 Languages of Love". It was recommended by my Dr. I am hoping it talks about discipline. I have noticed that what works on one child does not always work on the other one/s. Good luck and hang in there! I know I am hanging by a thread some days;-))