Terrible Threes?

Well you probably heard about the terrible twos, but that is not the case. It is the threes that is terrible you have to worry about. I had my first at 33 and she was an angel until she hit three then she became independent, and hid in all kinds of places and would not answer me when I called. She did this at a store once and they did a lock down till she was found hiding in a shelf of sheets. They do grow out of it around 4-5. Give him his boundary and let him test them that is his way of learning. Best of luck.

Yes, this kind of behavior is very normal for 3's, but esp. with a new baby in the home. He is feeling displaced. I've seen a lot of families as the director of a large preschool and the mother of 4 with a huge extended family. "New-baby-itis" always hits with the older child when baby is about 6 months. Hang in there. You are doing all the right things!

Hi Sonya, it is not really the age, it is the hormones. Around age 3 is when the testosterone is starting to hit theirs little bodies. It is a overwhelming period for them and the caregivers. The percentage of the testosterone to the body mass is much higher now than when they get into the teenager. The testosterone affects theirs minds and theirs bodies at the same time and it is very hard for them to deal with that. That's why it feels like someone change your son over night. And it is a phase, he will learn how to deal with that, it might take about 6 months and than you will have another phase around 4 and a half. You can help him by keeping the boundaries, the limits, picking only the battles you can win, follow consequences, be consistent and give him lots of love and support. He needs to feel secure that you will stop him when it gets too much and that you will love him when he feels down. You can also talk with your ped, some of them are aware about it, some of them "are not sure what you are talking about", the thing just doesn't exist in theirs lab cards. Good luck!

Hi S.,

I too have a 3 year old going through the same thing. You have had a lot of good responses and suggestions, so I will just tell you what we have done to cope with the situation. I learned through early childhood education when I was working at a daycare, that children at this age are just learning to deal with their feelings. Anger is beginning to develop and they don't know what to do with this new emotion, other than scream. We all really want to scream when we get mad right? We have just learned that it isn't appropriate. So until they learn other ways of dealing with it, they scream, or throw things, or strike out. But they have to be allowed to release their anger in some way, or it will just be internalized and get worse. What we do is we allow her to scream, but she has to do it either in her room, or outside. We use the "inside voice" and "outside voice" as a way of describing it so she can understand. But when she gets angry, we tell her if she is going to scream, to go to her room and do it. That is usually enough of a deterrent to cease the screaming, but at least she knows she has the option of going to her room and screaming if she chooses to. She also started spitting in defiance, I think she got it from the movie shrek when the ginger bread man spits at Farquad lol. Anyway, that behavior has been challenging too. But we just give her appropriate places to do that also, like outside, or in the sink. Children are pretty powerless and they need to feel they can control some things or they will continue to act out. It may be a play for your attention also since you have a younger child. I would suggest just making sure you spend some time with your 3 year old when the younger child is sleeping or otherwise occupied with other family members. Sit down and cuddle and read or sit together and watch his favorite movie, involve him with some household chores like doing the dishes or laundry or cooking to make him feel special because the younger child can't do these kinds of things. Oh yes, another thing we have done to diffuse a screaming fit it to make her laugh by all of us start screaming with her and then we all started laughing and pretty soon she was laughing too. Just some ideas. As everyone said, they will grow out of it, we just have to make it through it lol. Good luck.

T.

Hi S.,

First, I love hearing that you're a Special Education teacher. At 32 years old, I am currently going back to school to do the same myself. I'm very excited!

Second, your son’s behavior is completely normal, especially with a new little one in the house. It should really be called the "terrible" 3's instead of the terrible 2's. My older son (now 4½) changed from a super sweet and quiet kid to quite the monster when his little brother came into the picture (from jealousy and feeling slightly abandoned - even though he wasn't, that's just how it felt to him). Plus he turned 3 a few months afterwards. The first year was particularly hard, since I really had to spend A LOT of time and energy trying to remain calm, while staying firm and consistent (the key ingredients) with my older son with time-outs and talking about how to handle situations (which part of what they're learning to figure out, so it's good to give them a game plan for common conflict situations), while also trying to give him positive attention and take care of my infant son. Things are starting to get better now that they're starting to play together more, but it was certainly rough for awhile. (At least for me.)

Also, I suggest trying to use a rewards chart to change things into positive reinforcements rather than just getting punished when doing something wrong. That's helped us a lot. Ours includes things like sharing toys, no harming or yelling, cleaning up mess and good behavior in public. We also used it for potty training when we were in that stage, which helped as well.

I hope this information at least puts your mind at ease that it's not just your son. He will work through it, but he will need a lot of help and it WILL be very frustrating at times. (Especially if he starts physically acting out at your younger one, which is VERY hard to deal with calmly.) Just keep your head up and do what you can. And make sure you get SOME time to yourself to unwind every day. :o)

Good luck!! :o)

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as the terrible two's. It's the terrible three's! My son sounds just like yours. He recently turned four and I am already seeing a difference. His language is just exploding so he is more able to express himself with words, which we are really encouraging. At the stage you are in now, pick your battles. Stick to your guns on those issues that you feel are really important and try to compromise on the rest. Good luck, you'll get through it.

Oh my goodness...how I remember thinking the same thing! Two's were nothing compared to 3's! I am an early childhood teacher and am frequently reminding parents about the safety of home and how children are more at ease to throw tantrums and such with parents who will give them unconditional love...however, when my son turned three, it was hard to remind myself of that. He is now 4 1/2 and I can assure you...it does pass! Three was the age of "I can do it myself" "I want/don't want..." I found it to be a real coming of independence.
The best advice I can give is to stay strong and firm with the choices (as a teacher, you know how to do that!) He will be back to the sweet tempered boy again if you are consistent through this.

This is absolutely, totally, perfectly normal. Tough for you, but it is how the three-year old figures out their emotions and works out control issues with you and others. My oldest boys just turned 4 a couple months ago and my youngest is turning 2 in a couple days. I understand what you are feeling and going through. Just practice you patience and try to put yourself in his shoes - look at life from a 3 yr old point of view.
He, they, both want your love and attention most of all. It is a delicate balance between allowing him to express his emotions and wants and showing him appropriate behavior and reactions.
Good luck!

It sounds as if his behavior may have changed right about the time he realized that his little brother is not going away, and he is old enough now to feel more like competition than just a baby.
Or maybe it is just a phase that he is going through right now.
Either way, you are absolutely right to keep being consistent. I think that one on one time would help immensely. Alone time with either you or his dad, but undivided attention without cell phones, work, TV, or his brother. Also, if sibling jealously is the issue, I have found it very helpful to remember to tell my little one to wait while I attend to my older one just as often as I tell my older one to wait. Even though your little one doesn't understand, your older one will feel very important to have you choose him over the baby once and a while, and verbalizing it will help him realize that it is fair.

Normal? YES, YES,YES, YES, YES !!!!

The "baby books" are sooo good at warning you about twos, which really aren't that bad, I don't know how they can skip right over a much more defiant stage!?! Twos are just a communication issue, threes.... they sprout horns and an attitude. ( Much like they do when they hit middle school: a stage we are now going through with our first "three.")

We call it the "thrashing threes" in our house. Thank goodness they are so doggone cute at three otherwise....

So, no you are not alone, your child is not a misfit, and you are not a bad parent. Enjoy the adorable moments:there are so many at this age; and hold your breath through the rough ones. The light at the end of the tunnel is they usually come out of it at about 4.5 and stay cuter than cute for a good long time.

That's normal "Terrible Twos" is a myth. I have four kids, two adult sons, and 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl and they were all great until 3. Just keep working with him, pick your battles, give him 3-minute time outs and take refuge in the fact that he may get better by age 5 (until he starts kindergarten and develops a REAL attitude! :) Good luck and enjoy him; it's an adorable, fun age as well!

S.,

You are most definetly not alone in this. My son is 5, and still acts this way. His two's were about being more independent and making his own choices, his three's he started talking back, his four's he stopped listening and now at 5 it seems like his 2 year old sister is more mature than he is.

I would give it time, patience, and consistency, and hopefully this too will pass.

Good luck,
Melissa

The terrible twos have arrived a bit late and boy! have they arrived! For some they are very intense and you seem to have one of those. It looks like you are doing many of the right things, and I encourage and support you. I suggest you stay as consistent as as possible. Those kids who have these intense temper tantrums tens to be intelligent and sensitive if that is any consolation to you.

I had such a daughter. My solution was activities--tire him out with sports, even at three. I enrolled my daughter in swimming, and gymnastics. Your husband should be taking him out after work when it is light enough, and weekends for boys time out and such to wear him out. He can't throw a temper tantrum if he is so tired he can't lift his arm.

PS I taught Apolo Ohono in Kindergarten. His father took him swimming before school each day and mountain biking on the weekend to wear him out. He also went rollerskating after school whenever possible. He was really cooperative in school and I had no problems with him in class.

All my friends, and myself, have often said that 2 was wonderful, but three--wew! I found that my sweet boy was learning boundaries when he was three and pushing every button I had! He did this until about 3 1/2, then again when he turned 4. Five is awesome, so there is a good future ahead! I found that 1,23, magic works well with him. If I am telling him to do something and he doesn't, I begin to count. If I make it to 3 and he hasn't changed, he loses tv for the entire day (this is one of his favorite things--he would hate to miss his tv fix!) A few times of losing tv and now all I have to do is count and I never get passed 2!

With my two kids (boy and girl) it was the terrible three's not the terrible two's. It is a stage they will outgrown and you just have to keep doing what you are doing.

You are not alone. I didn't think me or my son was going to make it through 3. Two was bad because we were dealing with being new parents and a language barrier (our son was adopted at 2 from Russia), but it was nothing compared to 3. Oh the screaming from that child. It was enough to make my ears bleed. About 3 weeks after his 4th birthday it was like a switch flipped and he turned a corner. Now he is the best kid in the world (except the first few days after Christmas).

This too shall pass.

I hear you loud and clear.. I have 2 girls.. ages 3 and 6 years old.. For both children age 3 is the hardest!! Ugh.. way harder than 2.. Just wanted to let u know you are not alone:) Sometimes when my husband gets home from work.. I will have him give the kids baths and help out.. I take a break for myself which is usually the grocery store.. but it is nice to get out by myself sometimes..
lenc

you hear so much about terrible two's but no one warns you about traumatic threes. Which is exactly what it is, dramatic tramatic. As soon as my daughter turned three she turned into a huge drama queen, she is three and a half and is already improving some. She is still very dramatic but everyday is a little better, it is a very hard stage, hopefully 4 isn't so bad.

Hi! I know exactly what you're going through. My (now 5-year-old) son was a perfect child until age three. Then he started exhibiting the same behaviors you described--the terrible 3's! It really was a phase, though, and by four he had mellowed out a lot. I think he was just trying to become more independent, and I had to figure out when it was okay to let him choose, and when I was going to win. You know--you pick your battles, but you have to win the ones you pick. My second son went through this phase at 2, and is now mellowing out at 3. So I really think it's partly a personality thing. Just keep doing what you're doing--this too shall pass!

My friends and I all agree it's the terrible three's not the terrible two's! You are not alone. My advice would be to pick your battles at this stage. It's a tough one but it too shall pass! (I hope - because we're going through it too - but seem to be on the tail end)