Terrible 4'S

Mine goes through this as well he is also 4.But we try to give him choices, as much as possible, in other areas.So he doesn't feel like he can't do anything he wants to do.And instead of saying you are going to take things away from her,tell her she will be rewarded if she does/acts right.Use charts with stickers and when she gets so many she get a big treat or something.Gives her something to look forward to.Good luck!

"Phases" are just normal development. What I've found helpful with all of my children is reading a human development book to see what is normal behavior. And I seem to forget with each one, and they're different anyway, so it has always been helpful to read with each child and every so often.

Rest assured, your daughter's "behavior" is normal and actually healthy. She is trying to become independent and expressing what she doesn't like. It is much better than a child who is willing to be, for lack of a better word, "dishrag" or "doormat"--especially in today's world.

Regarding the nap--all of mine gave it up between 2 and 3--very, very typical. One of my daughters had the same situation with preschool and didn't want to nap at naptime. In fact, it was very traumatic for her. She is such a sweetheart--and was then, but she was so uncomfortable with naptime it caused her not to want to go to preschool. From our adult mind it seems silly, but not to theirs. Anyway--the book idea someone else suggested is what worked for us.

One other suggestion. . ."fear" never works as a good parenting tool (i.e. punishments which are really threats--taking away important things to them--like the candy--physical things like spanking, etc.). I say this from plenty of experience . . . trust me! What I've found that works the best, and feels the best for sure, is using "love" as the motivation. That means you are wanting to understand why your child is behaving that way (and knowing that our children are inherently good and special--but not always their behavior). It takes more time this way, more of your personal time. It means you're by their side modeling good behaviors for them. And, it means you're interested in what their needs and concerns are, which takes time to talk them and find out, or time through being patient to gain their trust again through loving them and not threatening them.

Whatever you do, still picture as the sweet, loving girl she is. She's stumbling now as she's learning and growing (and who of all of us doesn't???), but if you change your way of thinking about her you will be surprised to see she will actually change, too.

Stay positive!

J.

With

My son had a napping issue at daycare when he was 4...more so that he had accidents when he slept but sleeping or not sleeping didn't change is mood or attitude. So his preschool teacher gave him a book to read at nap time and changed it to quiet time instead of nap time for him. He still had to lay on his cot for 1 hour like the other kids, but there was no required sleeping. It didn't help him in not going to sleep but it kept him awake long enough for his body to relaxe and him to realize he had to go to the potty before he feel asleep--solving the issue. Maybe the teacher could make it quiet time for your daughter. This way it's putting "control" in her hands. If she wants to sleep she can, but if she doesn't that's fine but she has to lay there and be quiet.

Find a punishment that works and stick to it. Switching the punishment around every couple days or weeks can lead to confusion and more of a power issue. If you use the candy thing and it works then just stick to that for about a month and see if things get better. Never let a rule slip by. If the rule is she not yell in the house, she needs to be punished every time she runs in the house. If she thinks she can get away with it just once then she will do it over and over until she can. It's gives sense of satification to some kids to be able to not get in trouble for something for just this one time.

Stop and listen. I find when my son and I are at the moment in time that he is in trouble a lot at home there is something else going on that I'm missing. Sometimes it's a mere misunderstanding of the rule or what I want him to accomplish. Sometimes he's had a horrible day at school or someone said something to upset him and he has just been thinking about it non-stop. My son is a listener and only speaks when he feels there's something very important to say. He isn't a talker at all, and to get him to talk takes a lot of time.

Just this morning we had a bad morning. He was easily distracted by things and I was trying to get him to rush through his morning routine to get on the bus in time and still get his reading homework done. When he walked out the door, but saying I Love you, he asked if I was going to take a nap because "I feel your a little more grouchy than normal today mom" :) My response was "Your right buddy, I think I need one. I'm going there now." We have learned together how to work together and live together just the two of us, and the biggest lesson we have learned is when the other person is having a bad day you need to reflect on yourself as to how you can help the situation.

Best of luck!

First off with the behavior at school she is just testing what she can get away with. If you have the teacher write a note about her behavior and explain to your daughter what the note is for then have them put the note with her belongings so when you pick her up and read the note she will remember what it is then punish her accordingly. Expalin to her that when you are not around the people that work at the day care are in charge and that she needs to listen to them when she is there. Then tell her that if she can't do that when she gets home she will be punished with your choice of punishment (I would suggest continueing with the candy strategy if that shows most improvement). The day care workers also can't show frustration to her when she gets this way, your daighter wants to see how they will react to her. Just have them go get the note paper and start writing out her behavior while still explaining what they are doing so she can understand what behavior will get this response.

As for the napping i would suggest that if she doesn't sleep she needs to sit or lay in her bed for your alotted time period, but no talking. This might help with the nap time at the day care.

The key to all of this is consistency consistency consistency, she is just going to keep pushing until she knows you're serious. I hope that the Day care workers know this as well or they will just encourage the behavior.

Lastly when she is whining try telling her the only voice that you hear is her normal voice and when she whines nothing will happen. She will start using her normal voice very shortly. Again be consitant, if she learns that when she whines she gets what she wants it will only continue. Alway whenever trying to communicate with children get on their level and talk so they can understand and be thorough with your explanation. I hope some of this helps. Good luck

hi. some "phases" can go on and on and on. Dropping the nap might be a good thing, alot a children are done with naps by 3.5. how long are naps at daycare? could she sit quietly and color, i would talk with her daycare provider. Another thing, what does she watch? half these so called disney shows and Nick shows ( hannah montana, icarly) are not good for small/young children. So she could be learning her behavior from that sort of thing. Good Luck

I think you nailed it when you wondered whether "she is starting to feel like she's always in trouble so why even try to be good." She sounds like a little girl who is testing to see where boundaries lie – a completely normal and (eeek) necessary developmental stage.

If you haven't read "Love and Logic" now would be the time. And I love the wise and practical book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Read some of the second book here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...#

Good luck, D.. Focus on even the tiniest events that will allow you to smile, laugh, congratulate your daughter for a momentary success, or give her a fug of appreciation. See how many you can find in a day. In an hour.

Noticing the positive is actually a wonderful thing for harried, exasperated parents to learn (and it is a learning process for grownups, too). Model this for your daughter, and she may well get a clue about how to begin finding moments of success and delight to build on.

Read Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman

I don't have a 4 yr old, so my advice will be limited. I remember though, when my neice was 4 or 5, my mom was taking care of her. She'd say she didn't want to take a nap. My mom would say that "you don't have to take a nap, but you do have to have quiet time." She'd gather some books, go lay on the bed and read them. 20 or 30 minutes later she'd be out like a light with a book on her chest. Now I'm not saying that would work for sure with your daughter, but perhaps it will give you and daycare workers 30 minutes of sanity/no whining if she will read for 30 minutes. If/When she takes that quiet time, reward her, so that she's not in trouble all the time, like you said. Poor girl seems frustrated, but is going about things the wrong way.

Whining - if she gets what she wants when she whines about it, then she'll probably continue to whine. I am working on that with my 22 month old. He starts crying when his toy gets stuck. I make him tell me "Help me M.." and THEN I help him, but I don't help when he whines.

good luck. hang in there!

First and foremost, might want to get a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

Secondly, what are your house rules? If you don't have them, you need to. In some cases, let her be a part of the punishment so that she has a little say in the process as to what is fair. On top of that, she KNOWS IN ADVANCE what the consequences are to bad behavior.

TALK TALK" TALK all you can about APPROPRIATE behavior and alternate choices rather than just the fact that her behavior was wrong or inappropriate. In other words, help her to make GOOD CHOICES, understanding that this is NOT acceptable and there are consequences to poor choices.

Make sure to praise and sometime reward the good choices. They don't need to expect a reward every time. They need to learn to make the choice because it's the right thing to do.

Were you writing about my daughter? :-) I am going through the same thing. The only thing that I have noticed is my child has become super sensitve to sugar. I noticed that if I cut all sugar out she is not as bad. I mean even sugar cereal, pop tarts, syrup on waffles, juice. You would be amazed how many things has sugar. Try to really notice the sugar intake and see if that makes a different also, blue and red dyes maker her crazy girl!
As for the nap she doesn't have to have them but she still needs to have her quiet time with the rest of the kids. I try to tell my daughter she doesn't have to sleep but she does need to relax and be quiet.
I hope, just like you, that things get better!

My son is 5 and he gave up naps a long time ago. I say, choose your battles and let her skip naps. At daycare, I'd tell her that nap time is going to happen for the kids that need it, and she should use it as "Quiet Time" for herself. Let her look at books or do a puzzle. She can do that right at her mat and won't need to go to another room.

She sounds very smart, and she is testing her boundaries. It seems that the punishment route doesn't work with her. Maybe try positive reinforcement? When she DOES listen, praise her, give her a gold star or a sticker of some sort. She will like the praise much more than the punishments and be more apt to listen!