Stopping My 5 Yo from Whining/crying to Get What She Wants

Ditto Peg M. and Riley.

Just adding this- this book is good too:
"Have A New Kid by Friday." by Leman
Amazon, E-bay has it.
Its an easy quick read.

Good suggestions... and non-punitive.

we have 5 kids and our solution was to set a timer for 5 minutes and tell them that if they could ask properly in 5 minutes without whining we would consider their request, but if they continued to whine then the answer was absolutely NO. If they continued to whine or argue, not only was this a no, but they lost use of their favorite toy/video/cup whatever for the remainder of the day and had to go to their room until they good use a happy voice and talk right. We were tough, but we now have 4 teenagers (3 of them boys) in the house and our home is peaceful and enjoyable for all of us....

there's a psychological concept around "random reward". Simple put it works this way:

If we're rewarded for a behavior INCONSISTENTLY we'll do that behavior far FAR more to try and get the reward, than we will if we consistently get the reward. It's an unconscious thing, and essentially we all do it. It's part of how our brains work.

How this relates to whining, is that if she even ONCE gets what she wants when she whines... she's going to keep whining. Her brain (not her mind, like I said this is an UNconscious thing) will keep her whining to get the right "circumstances" for the reward.

The only way to stop the cycle is to actually, completely, and 100% STOP. Even if you have a thing in your hand and were about to give it to her, and she whines... put it back. "Sorry kiddo. I was going to but you whined." Each and every single times she whines point out that "Nope. When you whine you don't get what you want." EVEN IF IT'S GOOD FOR HER. (Like bedtimes, snuggle time, veggies, attention, chores... whatever she whines about she doesn't get. AND if she starts to whine after she's gotten it, *poof* it goes away.

It will take a couple of (exhausting... because I can almost guarantee temper tantrums) weeks for the majority of it to go away (at least over half) but it will take *several months* of absolutely no, zip, nada, zilch in the way of random reward for the whining to be 98% eradicated.

Random reward is a super super useful tool, once you start using it on purpose (and make sure you're not shooting yourself in the foot with it). Try it for GOOD behavior. Randomly give a cookie or a high five or some kind of praise/reward for a specific behavior and then sit back and grin as you see that good behavior start happening more and more frequently.

:) :) :)

My daughter went through a period of whining and begging at around that age. I remember doing puppet shows with her, in which she was the mom and I was the whining kid. It got through to her how annoying that was.

There's also a great book I've been using with my grandson that gets him to think through his own solutions to all sorts of problems, and I'm continually amazed at how well it works. It's called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I highly recommend it.

All I say is, "I can't hear you." Folllowed by, "What?" Followed by "I can't undersand whinning." Followed by "What?" If they don't stop, then I send them to their room until they can get the whinnies out.

Now, usually one "What" works perfect. The response is usually, "Oh sorry." And then they say what they were trying to say without whinning.

I read in a parents magazine to record them. They may not truly understand what whining is. So they say record her using her normal voice and then her at different stages of her whining. Play to her what you want and don't want. I have not tried it, but it sounded good. My son was out of this phase by the time I read the article. I personally put my son in timeout every time he whined. No warning no passing go straight to timeout. It worked for me. Good luck.

Oh boy I hear you and live it daily with my now 6 year old, who acts perfectly at school and outside the home, but the moment she steps into our house, she whines and worse, orders me around as if I'm a slave working for her although she is often kind, and sweet, perfectly good. She's done this whining, complaining about every little thing since she was 2 and it's been a work in progress! Her whining frequently turns into her meltdowns, crying, screaming, over the simplest little things which I agree is related to her feeling tired as another mom said, but my daughter goes to sleep by 7ish and sleeps 12 hours, no nap so I don't think we can improve on the sleep and being tired is NOT an excuse for her rotten behavior.

From early on, I sent her to her room to "calm down" (a time out essentially). I WILL NOT respond to any comment or question when she whines or demands, "WHERE is my chocolate milk?" I will simply say, "Did you ask nicely?" which I repeat 100 times a day. If she does, she'll get what she wants and is forced to if she wants anything. Lately, I've been really trying to reward her when she does ask, request in a nice voice, nice tone, giving her happy faces, points, which she LOVES which she can get a prize- special time with mommy at the nail salon, trip to get frozen yogurt. a little toy/book after a few days etc.. She really responds to the positive reinforcement, but I also send her to her room or threaten if she whines, complains, "Do you want to go to your room or can you speak nicely to us?" She usually straightens up but there are times when she will get up on her own to go to her room since she knows she's misbehaving. DO NOT RESPOND to her whining, complaining and tell her to say it "nicely" modeling it for her. Say it like this... If it escalates, have a punishment like a time out, no anger- just a consequence. It's worked well for us so that she's learned to act appropriately and whines, complains MUCH much less than before. It's about them feeling entitled and frankly being spoiled. It's hard to bring up unspoiled, grateful, kind, polite, loving kids these days, but don't let her get away with it or she'll eventually chase away friends, and others which concerns me. Just make sure to call her on it each and every time or you don't respond. Good luck!

Oh I hope you get some good advice because I need it for my 5 year old daughter too! I think we have tried everything.
One thing I did try that worked pretty good that I might go back to is a "happy face bag" and a "sad face bag." I take a ziploc bag and cut a piece of paper into strips. On the Happy face strips I drew pictures and wrote things like extra 15 min to stay up at night, a new prize at the store, ice cream treat, go to the park, have a friend over, one piece of candy, etc. (cheap easy things). And on the strips for the Sad face bag, I write, no TV, No candy, Go to bed 10 min early, no playing outside, time out for 5 minutes, etc. (take away things she likes) Anyway, I keep these bags with me at all times, either in the house, car, purse, etc. When she whines or cries she has to pick out of the sad face bag...if she does well half the day I let her pick out of the happy face bag usually in the late afternoon. I do give her a warning before pulling out of the sad face bag and that usually helps because she knows she is getting "punished!"
Good luck!

Ignore her. DO NOT give in to the whining or the crying. If she does it in a store, just walk away and go about your business. When she sees that she is NOT getting her way - she will stop.

BEFORE you go into the store - ensure she knows what you are going there for. That if she whines, cries, etc. you will walk out of the store - and DO IT. DO not just threaten to do it - DO IT. If you fail to follow through she will continue to take advantage of you.

If she cannot talk to you respectfully, tell her to go to her room until she can. As long as you give her attention when she is whining - ANY ATTENTION she will continue as it gets her the attention she wants - whether it's good attention or bad attention - it's attention.

Be sure that you state your expectations clearly prior to going to a store.
If she can't be respectful at home - ask her "do I talk to you that way?" when she answers "no" tell her THIS is how I expect to be treated as this is the way I am treating you.

Do not argue with her. Simply state the way you wish her to behave. IF she cannot do that - she can go to her room until she can. If you don't want to use her room - then pick a chair that she MUST sit in until she is finished. DO NOT give her ANY attention while she is in her room or in a chair. NONE. IGNORE HER COMPLETELY. I know it's hard as you want to wrap your arms around her and hug and kiss the nastiness out. But you need to be firm.

Good luck!!

I have a 5-yr-old who was a great whiner. I took advice from Dr. Rosemond(rosemond.com). When she starts to whine, I would tell her that the Dr told me that she needs more sleep and that night she will go to bed right after dinner. No questions, no games. Is she continued to whine, I would tack another night on. When bedtime came, if she got out of bed except to go to the bathroom another night would be tacked on. The first time I tried this, she was in bed 4 nights straight right after dinner. Within a month, problem was cured. Now all I have to ask is "are you whining", and she responds no and puts a smile on her face and moves on. Dr. Rosemond has a lot of ideas that I have mostly followed, and I hardly ever have issues with my daughter who has been a drama queen most of her life.

Good luck.

N.

I have a 4 year old with more attitude than a teenager! When she whines or yells at me about anything I simply look at her and say "when you are ready to talk to me with love I will be happy to listen." Then I just walk away. Don't get me wrong, I may have to say this several times for one incident, but saying the same thing and staying calm has really made a difference. When we go to the store I let her know ahead of time exactly what we are going for. She also helps with the list. This way when we are in the store and she wants something that is not on the list I just say "I'm sorry that is not on the list and we need to stick to the list. Next time let's make sure to write "pickles" down." Then I just continue on.

Just state your expectations and walk away. I don't know that ignoring them does any good, but if they know what you need from them and give them a chance to give it to you it seems to work. Don't forget to praise her when she does talk to you with love or doesn't whine. I always tell Atty "thank you for treating me so loving" or "I love your attitude today". Praise also does wonders!

Good luck!