Terrible 3'S

R. - Hang in there! You are SO NOT alone in this. My son is 3 1/2 and we have had some of the same experiences. I have yet to find one thing that works, as all kids are different. My advice would be to try different things and see which one you are comfortable with. I do give my son a 10 minute and then a 5 minute warning when we have to leave some place and/or he has to take a bath, etc. I learned the hard way that I just have to give the warning and not phrase it as a question where I say ok at the end of the warning. That gave him a choice and he would respond no. Then I was stuck b/c I did ask. I have read that 3 is and age where independence becomes important. They want to have control over things. I have tried giving a choice of only two things - ex. do you want your bath now or in 10 minutes? - He gets to choose but the choice is something I want him to do. He feels control and we have no battle. I also read that at this age the things we think are little things really are big things in their mind. The example I read was that to a 3 year old someone taking a toy is equal to an adult having their car stolen. When I read that it helped me a lot in trying to have more patience with the tantrums. As for public outings, I know it is MUCH easier said than done, but if you can stay calm her reaction may not last as long. My son decided to push my buttons in the grocery store and decided to start yelling when I told him he had to have the seatbelt on in the cart b/c he kept getting out. Well of course people start looking at me like I'm a horrible mom. I surprised myself that day and kept really calm. I quietly whispered in his ear, "wow, look at all these people looking at you. I sure hope the manager doesn't come over and ask us to leave b/c you are being so loud." Then I continued to push the cart. He stopped yelling for a minute and turned around, when he saw all the people looking at him I guess he was embarrassed and so he stopped. Now when we're at a store and he seems to get started, I just say, Oh I hope we don't get asked to leave b/c we're being too loud. It works for now. I also have a girlfriend who uses a sticker chart with her daughter. If she earns a certain number of stickers for completing things during the day that would normally have tantrums associated with them she earns things like extra story time at bed, getting to read books on parents bed instead if own bed that night, bath in parents tub instead of own. Anyway, the gist is she earns extra time not things.
Also, when my son would get going in a full tantrum, we would just put him in his bed and let him cry it out. We would say you aren't in trouble you just need to calm down. We would leave him there for a little while to just get it out. It was the only thing that would work b/c it was as if he was a different person, almost possessed and didn't hear anything we tried to say. Usually it took about 10 - 15 minutes and then he would be settled and we could move on. I always felt like I should've been able to do something, but honestly he just seemed to need to get it out.

Hang in there! You are not alone! Most people will tell you that 3's are harder than 2's :>) Good Luck. I hope you can find something that works for you.

Ny girls are 11 & 13 and if they feel like I am being unfair and making them leave somewhere or do something they should not have to they will cry and give me attitude. It is much easier now, because they have learned how to roll there eyes and muble under there breath, but it is still embarassing, and some times when I respond in a a manner that I feel guilty about, I am even more embarassed. It does get easier. One thing I do that is very helpful with my children is a 5 and 2 minute warning. I tell them when they have 5 minutes to go and when they have 2 minutes to go. This seems to make them awair and not unhappy when I tell them we are leaving. WHen they were much younger my 11 yr. old was much worse about the fit throwing and ahead of time I would offer a reward and a punishment. For example.... We are going to the beach today, if you do not throw a fit when it is time to go, we will drive through McDonald's and get an ice cream, if you throw a fit when we get home there is no watching TV. At 5 minute warning I would say 5 minutes till we have to go and get remember we are going to stop at McDonald's for ice cream if you make good choices. If she threw a fit, later in the night when she asked for TV I would say remember you ctied and threw a fit when it was time to leave the beach. It works really well if you are concistant. Good Luck and trust me when I say 3 or 13 they have bad days when nothing you do will help, but for the most part they will learn how to behave.

Three was the hardest year for my daughter and I--two was a breeze! You are not alone--I distinctly remember carrying her out of Gymboree several times as she kicked and screamed. I wondered if everyone would think I was a horrible mom! And she was the worst when we traveled to visit family, so the only time my family saw her, she was having tantrums over every transition.

One book that helped me a lot was Raising Your Spirited Child. I really recommend that.

I just tried to remind myself that it's a very emotional age, and she needed me to be her anchor--steady, strong, calm and consistent. I would use a calm voice and be very clear about her behavior. My daughter's speech was pretty good, so I would encourage her to tell me in words what she wanted. I would say things like, "I know you don't want to leave, but we need to go."

Tantrum prevention helps, too. Give her warning in advance (we're leaving in ten minutes, five minutes, two minutes, this is your last play). That will take a while to start working, but it's so great when it does! And you can always use logical rewards/consequences. I try to avoid bribes, but I would say things like, "Help me with bath so we have time for stories before bed."

Is there anyone else who can help once in a while? I know my husband would come home from work and she'd be an angel for him--which was annoying in it's own way, but a good break.

It doesn't last forever. For my daughter, her fourth birthday was magical--she just became reasonable all of a sudden. She still has moments, but not ten of them a day!

Hope that helps!

I hear ya! We're approaching terrible 2's. When my daughter has a fit it's either flailing her hands and yelling or she throws herself to the floor. I used to get angry and just pick her up and go, but that only made it worse. Now when I know she's gonna be upset I get down next to her, tell her "you're mad aren't you? I'm sorry your mad. Come on you can hold mommy's hand and I'll help you get up." Surprisingly, IT WORKED!!! I realized that if I handle it calmly, she's more likely to snap out of it. Sometimes I really have to work at not getting angry and lose my temper b/c that always escalates the situation. but when it happens often, you do want to get angry. (we're only equipped with so much patience!) 8 out of 10 times if I handle it calmly she snaps out of it. As I'm talking to her she may try to start a fit a few times and I say NOTHING- I wait. When she can hear me again I calmly explain that she's upset and I'm sorry. I'm not child rearing expert by any means, but doing this seems to really cut down on the meltdowns and makes the days go by easier. Also, when you're explaining to her that you know she's upset, give her something to look forward to, something like "come on, hold mommy's hand and we can go to the van and watch Yo Gabba Gabba on the way home." Even us adults don't like to leave fun situations- it's easier to leave a party with a plate of cake in your hands!!!

Hi R.,

It's a stage, although you definitely don't want to give in when she cries. I made that mistake with my son who did the same thing, and created a monster. He's 4 now and we've been "breaking" him ever since. Things have gotten much better with the introduction of manners and big sis's influence. I can relate to your anxiety, as every Mom who's been in your situation can. Realize that all eyes are NOT on you when she cries, and if they are, they are in sympathy of what you are going through...not judgment. Anyone with kids knows better that "these things happen". Try to have something in your back pocket for these situations...like a small toy or snack in your purse. Bring it out in anticipation of a fit coming on and ask if she wants it...may make the transitions easier. Best of luck... she'll soon learn and go on to another annoying stage...gotta love 'em!

No body tells you about the terrible 3s! Two is great, 3 well lets just say they are no fun at all!!! Way worse than twos. All of my friends had the same experience when their first hit 3. We were all blind sided as everyone talks about the terrible twos, when in all actuality you find out they were really great! I always prepared Jordan before hand. I explained to him where we were going, what we were going to do, and what I expected from him, and then the consequences if he was bad. When it was about time to leave some where, I told him it was almost time to leave, he could do blah, blah, blah, but then we were going to say good buy, get in the car, we were going to get in our seat with out struggles, etc. It worked well with him. It works well with Liberty too, although I have to say she is a little more defiant/independent then he was. Each year brings a new battle. Welcome to the threes!! UGH! NO FUN AT ALL!!!

Due to her delays, she may be developmentally 2 (ish) now... so she's getting the terrible 2's a little late. It is even harder for you as a single Mommy. Just do your best to remain consistent and really try your best to remain calm when she's losing it. She is just trying to develop some independence & the speech delays (for all kids :) can be frustrating. They know what they want, but arent able to articulate clearly. One thing that may help with the crying when you leave is to give her a 5 minute warning. (We have to go home in 5 mins...) If you are at grandmas & she's having the meltdown- just walk away in the other room (tantrums are no fun w/out an audience)... If it's in public- tell her stop or we leave now. No long explanation. Give her 45-60 seconds to stop & go from there. If there is a treat or reward (that she gets periodically anyway) you can always have them available (for a while) when she leaves w/out a scene (like dumdum lollipos)- something CHEAP. Do not start buying things for her when she's good (she's supposed to be :) BUT this WILL increase the frequency of 'easy exits" :) Good luck!

I have no idea why they are called terrible 2's! When my son was 15 months old it was horrible and then again for the first half of 3, it wanted to run screeming from my house WAY too many times. Feel free to try the advice you are given, but nothing work for me! As he started approaching 4, things got great! He turned in to the little person that listened, got himself dressed, used the bathroom in the middle of the night. He is now this little person who lives on the other side of the house, it is amazing! We just started entering another very stubborn phase of whinning and tantrums, but it isn't nearly as bad and I now it will pass quickly. He is now really testing us to see what he can say and do, but this time, we are able to shut him down much easier. For the first half of 3, we tried not to go out much! We went to Disney for his third birthday and my husband threw his back out from always running after him and having to pick him up and hold him all the time. We just went for his 4th birthday and had an awesome time! Take deep breaths and limit your outings I hate to say. A glass of wine at night is always nice! It will pass.

Dear R.,
Please see ChildrensBehaviorHelp.com- they are terrific.
Also do you know about Yoka Reader? I have her tapes at my office, free for anyone to come in and see- they changed my life- easy, common sense(that un common thing) I'm in Dunedin, and just call me at ###-###-#### and we'll figure out a time for you to watch. This is handle-able! In a happy way for both of you.
Really,
Kia

Hi R., Oh my heart goes out to you. I know every day is long when they are little, but this will be a phase that, when you look back on it, seemed like a very short one. Just give her lots of love and hugs and kisses and try to distract her from her event. Find something she likes and point it out to her, or even burst into her favorite song, something that will get her attention so she will forget what she is doing. And if that doesn't work, try something else, eventually something will distract her. She is experiencing emotion and she doens't know what to do with it. So she cries. Don't worry about what others are thinking, if you are hugging and kissing her and telling her that its ok to be sad when she can't do what she wants, or singing to her, everyone will just think you are a good mom. Mostly what everyone is thinking when they see a little one crying out of control is "boy I'm glad thats not me". So don't be embarressed at all. And if she can't get over it and it progresses to the point of your embarressment, just leave where ever you are. Just because your cart is half full at the grocery store, doesn't mean you have to stay there. Leave, take your little one outside and try to distract her and get her to forget about whatever the issue was that made her cry. At 3 they are so easily distracted. You can tell her you thought you just heard...santa, ester bunny, barney, sponge bob, whomever she likes and ask her to listen to see if she can hear it too, she can't hear if she' is crying. So then pretend every corner you turn might just turn up, santa, easter bunny, barney or sponge bob, she will participate in your game and be happy.
Good luck and enjoy these precious years. All the Best, V.J.
About me. My children are all grown up with children of their own. I would give anything to have my kids back in my life throwing tantrums during their terrible 3's. :-) Having said that....when my grandkids do that, its nice to take them home to "their" moms.

You are certainly not alone!!! I am dealing with a very strong willed little boy that turned 3 in December. He has turned mean!!! Like you I hope that it is just a phase he is going through, but I am at my whits end. I have told my husband that I have turned into the mother I hoped never to turn into! I feel like all I do is yell and say no and argue with him. My son has speach delay, but is entirely too smart for his own good. I know that he gets angry when I don't understand what he is telling me or asking me for, but that isn't my biggest problem. He wants things his way or no way at all. I am doing all that I can do to get past this.

Sorry I can't tell you how to deal with it, but I wanted you to know that you are not the only one out there dealing with something like this.

Good luck to you!
Sam

Hi:

I understand what you are going through. My baby boy is going to be 3 next month and he already is showing tantrums. He cries and yells when he gets upset. He also has speech delay so it doesn't make it easy to explain events for him. At home what I have found out is that I will sit my son in his bed. Is the top of a bunk bed so until now he doesn't get out of it. Leave him there crying for two minutes and then come back.

It calms me down and it calms him down. At public places I just talk to him or leave. I will leave him at home to evade the tantrum. Hang on, tantrums don't last forever but you need to nip it in the bud.

If you need a listening ear email me, I will be glad to help.

Hi R.,
You're definitely not alone.
My daughter was like that when she was 3 too.
I remember her throwing a fit in the store
when I wouldnt let her stear the cart on her own
(I insisted on "helping")
When she threw a fit, I picked her up
(and got bruises on my legs from her kicking)
and walked out immeiately to the car, to leave.

To hell with the eyes of others.
So long as you're not hurting your child
and you're only removing her,
you're doing the best you can.

When she knows you will not cave
into all of her demands
she will probably chill out.
We used a treat AFTER things
for a bit of time.
Like, having a wee toy to keep for
when she made GOOD transitions,
or a cookie at the grocery AFTER
the checkout was completed.

I also found great kids music in the car
(Tom Chapin was the favorite of my son)
was a benefit to going to the car...
we'd sing together and it made exits,
as well as travel, a happy time
for us to look forward.

Birthdays should help this pass.
Keep your own cool,
that's the most important thing.

Aww, yes, the Terrible Two's, the Throttle 'Em Three, Furious Fours and Fabulous Fives, Super Six, Seven. That's as far as I got. I have a 7 and 4 year old. My oldest didn't do half the stuff my 4 year old does. Once my 4 year old was in Tiny Tots (Free school two days a week). She does well around the other kids. Otherwise I'd have issues like why do we have to go to the post office. I'd explain to mail a letter or get stamps. Each time I did everything, now I let her do the "job". When we go to the park now and play, I give a 5 minute notice that we are leaving. This way my girls know it's time to wrap things up and move on to the next errand. I know it's tough but we are all there one time or another. Good luck and it will soon past, just not soon enough for you. But hang in there.

My son didn't have terrible two's but terrible three's like you are describing. tantruming was aweful and mine had delays as well. We had a behavior specialist come to the house through Directions and it was completely free since we were being tested through FDLRS. What she suggested we still use today when his attitude gets out of hand (he is now 8) and those suggestions saved us!! If you email me offline I will be happy to tell you about it. And you are not alone!!

Hi R....You are not alone. I have two girls also and they NEVER hit the terrible twos either. My girls also changed when they hit 3. Almost to the exact day of their birthdays. My niece too. The only hope I can give you is to watch and wait. Give her a 15 min. warning when you are leaving or changing activities. Then a 10 min ....5 min... etc. You will be amazed b/c around 3 1/2, they change back into their sweet angel personality. I know a lot of people who have girls who agree. This is totally normal. She is just trying to show her independance from you and realizes she can do things without you now. Encourage her independance while giving her plenty of warnings when it comes to time to leave etc. I hope that helps and there is light at the end of the tunnel. My girls are 7 and almost 5 now and they are back to their old "pre-3" self. Be happy she is strong willed child for when she is older...she will be a leader!!

Hi R., my suggestion is to use a timer. Start getting her use to a time when you do other things, such as bubble time, tell her "5 minutes" or lego time "10 minutes". This gives her an idea that this activity will end soon. Kids can't read time, but if they have a verbal expectation, it may be easier for her to accept that fun is about to come to an end.

As for throwing tantrums over something she dislikes, I would give her a warning, "We will take a bath, then we will read." So tell her what will happen that she doesn't like follow by something she will enjoy, so that she has something to look forward to.

Some suggestions that I hope will work for you. Good luck!