Terrible 2'S - Chicago,IL

Try the web site for the TV show Super nanny. www.supernanny.com. They give some really good advice the that sight.

One suggestion regarding shoes being throw. If he throws them than don't put them on him unless you are leaving the house.
If he is in time-out let him cry all he wants. If he will not apologize or stay sitting then just keep taking him back and sitting him back down. Let him keep crying and tell him mommy will listen when you are ready to talk and apologize for what you have done.
If he throws himself to his knees and starts crying let him cry and if he throws his shoe. Timeout! Try giving rewards for good behavior, maybe stickers or a chart and when you get so many stickers maybe ice cream at Dairy Queen. If one child gets to go and the other does not he might behave himself next time.
Sometimes we need to give a little tough love.

Good Luck,
S.

My son is starting similiar behaviors. At this age, they just don't have the words to express their frustration and throwing things (including shoes) is their way of saying, "I'm mad/frustrated/upset/etc."

If you can ignore it, that's typically the best option. No audience, no tantrum (or a reduced version of what it would have been.)

Another thing I read that helps avoid some of the behavior is to limit saying no. Instead of, "juice?" "No." Try answering with something else like, "after dinner, you may have some juice." Or, "we'll have juice tomorrow, but now it's time for bed." You didn't say no, they didn't hear no and it seems to help. Obviously there are times when you have to say no, but by limiting how often, I've found it helps. It also helps to stay calm (as challenging as that can be) and talk in a low, soothing voice.

Then there are times (like for us, this morning) where he was throwing the mother of all tantrums and I have no idea why. We were running a bit late and so I sat on the floor with him and talked soothingly while getting him dressed. He was mad and just wanted to be left alone but it wasn't an option for us. I don't even know if he knew what was wrong so he got extra hugs while he just cried. We got into the car and I sang to him soothingly despite his continued screaming (didn't want to be in the car seat either, I guess.) It always works because he has to stop screaming to hear what I'm singing (which is a made-up song with a bunch of animal noises thrown in that always gets his attention and builds anticipation for which animal I'll sing about next.) Worked like a charm despite my completely off-key voice.

As for your mom -- my mom doesn't live with us but is a fan of giving my son what he wants to avoid the tantrums. It's the grandma in her but I've had to tell her that I'll deal with this and she can speak with him when he's calm.

I would recommend a similar conversation at a calm time when everyone is unemotional and things are relaxed. Let her know that giving him what he wants in the midst of a tantrum undermines your authority as the parent and doesn't teach your son what you'd like and need him to learn. If all else fails, tell her you're the mother. (I've been known to use that with my mom and although very confrontational, cuts to the point and gets the message across.)

Just be patient, hang in there and know that this too shall pass. (Although while we've all heard of the terrible twos...I've recently been told it's really the f'in fours you have to watch out for, so we'll see.) Good luck!

I ignore it when my son has a tantrum. Luckily there aren't THAT many. He is a thrower, though. If he throws a toy, the toy is taken away and put on top of the fridge until the next day. The toy is "in time out".

As for your Mom. I think you will have to have a conversation with her and explain exactly what time out is for and how we use it and also that you don't give your son anything when he is whining/crying.

If you are going to use time-outs, use them for specific activities (hitting, kicking, whatever). Personally, I think they become less effective when they're used for every little thing. Also, if you are going to use them, I think you have to stick to it and be consistent with them. If he cries in time-out, oh well. If he gets up 50 times, put him back in 50 times. Eventually, he will realize that he won't win that battle.

Good luck.

I don't know what to tell you as long as your mother continues to disrepect you and spoil your child. SHE is the problem. Start there. Your son is only doing what he knows works.

My boys are the same age as yours. My two year old also throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. Sometimes I give him a time out sometimes I let him just kick and scream and cry and pound the floor til he is done. Sometimes it takes 20 minutes-seriously-20 minutes. He needs to realize he can't always get what he wants or else I will have a little monster by the time he is 6. Stick to your guns and have a talk with mom because she is only hurting him not helping him grow up. He will eventually get the picture. He might only be two but they are smarter than we give them credit for. Right now he is playing you and your mom. He is the boss not you

Hi Lucy -

I have the same age boys as you...how funny. Lately, I said to my two year old, "what has gotten into you lately?" I mean, he throws his food now, anything he has, he'll throw if he is upset or just feels giddy I guess. It is driving me crazy too. I do time outs on the steps going to his room, and I start out half way up the first flight of steps...maybe 4 up. I tell him, the more he gets up, and I have to put him back on the steps, the longer he sits and he goes up a step. The further you go up child, eventually you are going to end up in your room, in your crib. He has made it there a few times, and now he just sits...maybe gets up once or twice. If time outs are not working for him, I would maybe change the spot you are giving him a time out in...maybe a place he can not leave. I started out giving my little guy time outs in his booster chair from the dinner table when he was 1 years old. I would face him into a corner in it and tell him he was in time out. That way he learned what time out meant...that you sit for the time being. It took a while, but he got the message...in a good way. :) It seems as though he rebelled much earlier than my 4 year old. He is just now rebelling and driving me crazy. I guess he was waiting to make me go through it all at once...stinker! lol Well, I hear you. Good luck!

crystal

I didn't have time to read the other responses. But here you go. Since he knows she will give him what he wants he will do whatever it takes to get it. Be firm and hold your ground. He may not like it, but when he realizes it won't work anymore, he'll grow tired of it.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Take him to a safe place, remove his shoes and any items that he can throw, and just let him have his temper tantrum. Pay absolutely no attention to it (of course, keeping an eye on him to make sure he is safe). No talking, no reasoning, no threatening, nothing. He need to learn that the 'tantrum behavior' will be associated with an 'ignored response'. Even negative attention is attention, so you don't want to give him that.

As for mom, well, you'll need to have a tough conversation with her about your parenting philosophies and how she needs to respect them. Good luck to you!

This is what 2 year olds do. They are looking to their parents to let them know what is ok and what is not. It's ok for kids to be angry he needs to learn how to deal with his anger so let him cry it out, I promise it will get better.
The hard part is getting your mom on board. She is the grandma and needs to be able to be a grandma but try sitting down and talking to her about your ideas and what you think is best for your child. Let her know that you are ok with Grandma time but it can't be all the time.

L.,

I think your hard work with time outs and discipline is being undermined by your mother and unfortunately for you, your son knows it.

seriously, first your mom needs to get on board with you. She doesn't have to agree, but she should respect you as a parent and not let the kids see the two of you divided on the discipline issue.

I really think once that message is sent to the kids, the time-outs will be able to do their job. I too lived with my mother during my divorce from my first husband. Luckily, she was never undermining with discipline... but we butt heads more than once on other parenting issues :)

Good luck!

have you tried just ignoring the 2 year old. don't do time out, just say - i will talk to you when you're ready to talk. and then turn away.
i would also definitely talk to my mom and find out why she was giving in and making hte problem worse for me!

Some advise I used with my 2 year old is walk away, ignore him. He's just looking for attention and if there is none then my son would stop. I also tried copying his moves. I would lay on the ground and kick my legs and cry right next to him. It took the fun out of it for him. I think the best one was to try and revert there attention else where. I had a secret stash of strange things he never got a chance to play with. Or things I wouldn't normally let him play with. I would give my son a bag clip when we were out and he would forget all about what he was crying for. As for your mother, well you need to have a serious talk with her on how you want to handle his temper tantrums. I know mothers can be defensive when it comes to parenting, but you can tell her your suggestions and ask her advise on how to handle his behavior. That way you can be on the same page when he decides to throw a temper tantrum. I hope this helps !

Hi L., A couple of comments I believe in. Do not use the bed as punishment that can develope into a problem with going to sleep if your child feels that bed is a punishment. Try to understnad hismental state right now. At this age they have begun to realize they can make things happen. This is very exciting so they want to make things happen, good and bad, they don't care. If youthink about this you canhelp direct the situations to give him some amount of controll, which is what he is seeking. Give him more decisions to make instead of telling him what to do. Eould you like an apple or an orange for your snack. Do you want to put your shoes on or have mommyput them on. It helps to work with their developement stage instaed of fighting against it. If he still throws a tantrum I agree with those who have said tell him when he is calm and ready to talk you will deal with him.

This age is difficult . I have three daughters who are in the tween to teen stage but I do remember stage. I babysit a couple days a week to help out a friend and he is two and does the same thing . You and your mom probably should be on the same page as far as discipline goes . I usually set a timer for timeouts . It might take a while during the first tantrum with crying but once your son knows that you mean business and your in control - Remain calm - .
It sounds like you have your hands full with working full time and raising your boys . Just remember to breath ha ha . have a great day .

S. Snyder
Helping moms to be with their kids
www.workathomeunited.com

Your mom musts stop interfering. Perhaps bring him to his room and leave him in his crib until he settles.

Sounds like your time-outs aren't working because your mother is not on board with your goals as a parent. You'll have to talk to her and set some limits.
I recommend this great book called 1,2,3 Miracle... It outines how to use timeouts most effectively through this counting method. We started it when our son was 2 and basically now if I get to "2" he stops whatever bad behavior he's doing before we even get to a "3" and a timeout.... It works miracles. BUT everyone who takes care of your child will have to follow your guidelines. If your mother is giving him anything he wants just because he cries, then no wonder he's acting that way... A few tears won't hurt him and he needs to learn that you have limits and that he has to learn proper behavior. Read the book... It's fantastic. I learned a lot about my own parenting style and how to improve from reading it... It's made an enormous difference!

timeouts don't work, they only promote distance between parent and child. Your 2 yr old is developmentally at the stage where he strongly believes that he can have whatever when he wants it and that is appropriate for his age. This doesn't mean you let him have everything that he wants. for instance if it is unsafe, then he can't have it or do it. A great book on this topic is Smart Love. it teaches "loving regulation" as a form of parenting. A temper tantrum is a sign of stress. So you should try to calm him, divert his attention, love him and then figure out what causes or are triggers so as to lessen his stress.

As long as he is not hurting himself or in any danger the best thing to do is turn your back and leave the room,he will stop when he does not get attention and even time outs are a form of attention,also grandma needs to stop giving in and she needs to back you up and do as you request,the less attention he gets during these times the sooner he will stop then reward his good behaviour with cuddles ,hugs anything but what he wanted in the first place
H.

Hi L.,
Children around the age of 2 usually do start acting out. (not all, but alot) Some worse than others. They just have to learn what their limitations are. This is how I handled my Children.....I did not let them have their way. I did not comfort them when they got mad for not getting their way. I let them cry and it did not take long for them to learn that they couldn't always get their own way. I would also tell them, "go cry in your bedroom". They would just take off for their bedroom and cry for 2-3 minutes and them come right back with us with a whole new (and usually happy) attitude. It can be harder on us but we are teaching them. In your case, you may have to have a talk with your mom. It might not be easy but it might get worse if your mom keeps giving in to your child. Good luck and hang in there.
J. J.